


Follow the Blind

by StarScreamLoki



Category: Loki (Marvel) - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Blind Loki (Marvel), Depression, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hydra (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki (Marvel) is a mess, Loki (Marvel)'s Punishments, Mentions of Suicide, POV Loki (Marvel), POV Third Person, Panic Attacks, Physical Disability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Torture, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-16 05:05:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 94,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18087983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarScreamLoki/pseuds/StarScreamLoki
Summary: Loki falls from the Bifrost, but instead of landing in Thanos’ clutches, he lands on earth and falls into the hands HYDRA. Years later the Avengers stumble across him and decide to take him in.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’m quite enthusiastic about this fic. As an angst/whump-writer I feel this fic should be in my repertoire. Shout-out to my girl xsimpletrashx for part of this idea, the other shout-out should go to anamelessdragon.
> 
>  
> 
> **You've read the tags and the summary; you're warned.**

“Clear?”

“ _Clear!_ ”

The Avengers moved through the HYDRA-base, calling the rooms’ statuses to Cap through their com devices. One by one Steve received the information, all but one telling him the area was clear. “Tony? Is your area secure?”

Silence.

“Tony?”

“ _Guys, you might want to come over here_ ,” Tony answered with a voice that sounded a little too ominous for Steve’s liking.

Steve broke out into a sprint, asking Tony if he was in trouble. He didn’t answer.

He found Stark, the other Avengers on his heels as he barged into the room. Well, room wasn’t what one could call it. Cell-block would be a better description. The walls were lined with thick barred cells, a couple of them containing sturdy looking glass too, placed behind the bars. Whatever they were trying to keep in those cells, it didn’t bode anything good and was probably very dangerous. Yet, all the cells seemed empty.

Tony was standing in front of one of those heavy fortified cells and Steve joined him.

Apparently not all the cells were empty.

His eyes fell on the man that was sitting in the corner of his cell, knees drawn up to his chest, his black, matted hair obscuring his face. His clothing was dirty and riddled with holes, showing fragments of red, irritated skin or scars. He was trembling.

“He is still alive,” Tony informed them. “I can read his heat-signature though it isn’t as warm as it should be.”

“Loki,” Natasha said, skimming through a file in her hands that she had found.

The man in the cell - Loki apparently - didn’t respond to his name. If anything, Steve swore he noticed him shivering harder.

“Why does that name sound familiar?” Barton asked while looking over Natasha’s shoulder at the file in her hands.

The team was silent, racking their brains while Tony walked to a panel next to the cell. He studied it and asked J.A.R.V.I.S. for assistance to help him open the door.

“Thor!” Steve suddenly said, breaking the silence.

That got Loki’s attention and his head whipped up, searching for the source that had spoken.

It was the first time that Steve could see his face and he was shocked by what he saw. If Loki’s eyes had once harbored color, it was gone now. Nothing but two milky-white irises with greyed pupils. The area around his eyes was red and scarred, the numerous other wounds minor compared to his eyes.

Steve shuddered unwillingly.

“Thor,” Loki croaked, his voice rough. It almost sounded as if he harbored some hope in that name, though Steve was fairly sure that Loki had just repeated the name because it sounded familiar to him.

Apparently Tony had cracked the panel and the door to Loki’s cell slid open. Carefully Steve entered the cell, Natasha and Clint training a gun on Loki behind him to secure his safety.

Loki scrambled to a crouching position, pressing his back against the wall, his fingers curled into claws at his sides, his white eyes darting left and right and his breathing speeding up a notch. He looked like a cornered wild animal.

“Calm down. I’m not going to hurt you if you’re not going to hurt me,” Steve tried with a soft voice, patting his hands in the air in a soothing manner. Loki couldn’t see that and thus he didn’t stand down. He even growled with bared teeth.

“Loki… You’re Thor’s brother, right?” Steve asked calmly.

Loki’s head snapped back to Steve, the scowl on his face softening. “Thor,” he repeated with that same broken voice.

“What should we do with him?” Tony asked outside the cell while Steve kept a wary eye on Loki.

“I’d say we put him out of his misery.”

“We’re supposed to be the good guys, Clint,” Tony retorted.

“What do you want to do? Take him in? We could just leave him here and let S.H.I.E.L.D. deal with it.”

“We’re not going to let S.H.I.E.L.D. take him,” Steve said as he stepped out of the cell. “We would just be presenting him on a silver platter for more experiments and I think Thor wouldn’t be grateful if we did that.”

Behind him Loki repeated the Thunder’s name.

“Yeah, and I’d rather not evoke that one’s wrath!” said Tony.

* * *

It had taken some time and a lot of effort, but the persons who had found him had hauled him out of his cell and transported him somewhere else.

Loki didn’t know where he was and the feeling of a soft mattress underneath him felt foreign to the floor he had spent so much time on.

There was a man hovering around his bed and keeping his left eye open with his fingers. Loki was trembling for he knew what was coming.

_“Hold him still. We'll see if he’s still so eager to escape when he can't see!”_

_He struggled in his bonds. He didn't want to cooperate and the words the human had spoken didn't bode well. Pathetic mortal! Once he was free he would tear the man apart for his insolence and laying a hand upon him._

_He could feel the bonds protest under his strength. Soon he would be free, again, and kill the man. If he had time he would make it slowly and painful. The man would bleed out by his own equipment. He would-_

_Something cold splattered in his face and it was quickly followed by a burning pain._

_He trashed in the chair, spitting insults and trying to break free, his hands flexing as he wanted to put them to his face._

_He couldn't._

_Dark splotches swam across his vision. Again they splattered something in his eyes, droplets catching his cheeks and burning his skin._

_He screamed._

He knew what was coming. Soon he would feel the sting of drops of acid in his eyes, the burning sensation that would linger for hours.

The man - he had introduced himself, but Loki had forgotten because it was never worth remember their names - let go of his eyelids without putting anything it. It only added to Loki’s confusion and the man pried at his other eyelids to force it open.

This was just cruel! What was he doing? Were they toying with him to make him more pliable? Stretching the inevitable? Were they just going to prob at him until he begged for it? Begged for them to put him out of his misery and just get it over with. Beg for them to keep him blind and drop the acid in his eyes?

It wouldn’t be the first time they had done that.

The hand fell away, adding to Loki’s confusion and anxiety. Why? He was sure that since he had been captured they had administered this specific torture daily for the past years. They kept him in the dark - literally - so wouldn’t make for the equipment to act out against his oppressors.

He had done that a long time ago. He didn’t know how long ago because even when he still could see or heal himself enough to get his sight back, he had seen nothing else than the inside of his cell where no daylight came. It had been in a time where he had fought his captors tooth and nail every time they dragged him out of his cell to pull off their wicked experiments.

_“He escaped! Seize him!”_

_With the scalpel in his hand he attacked the first person to cross his path, jamming the knife in the person’s heart. The person dropped dead to the floor._

_Alarms blared around him, more people pouring into the room._

_He dove for the tray with equipment, grabbing the first thing his fingers could find to use as a weapon. It didn’t matter what he got, he could use anything as a weapon. He wouldn’t even need one, but it was more convenient if he had._

_The new people - all clad in protective armour - made for him as one. He spun and twisted, dodging their attempts to grab him and to lay them low._

_Something latched onto his being and pain coursed hot through his veins._

_He went down._

Loki had made them bleed. He was sure that he had killed more than a handful of the pathetic humans in attempts to escape, but right from the start they had known his weaknesses and had overpowered him every time. They quickly had latched on to how he was able to make those attempts every time, his eyes always searching and taking in everything around him. It had only been logical that they had blinded him.

They hadn’t been nice about it either - as far as nice would go in this case - just emptying a flask of acid in his face. It was only later that they had resulted to a more sophisticated manner, probably using a pipette to drop it straight in his eyes while they kept his eyelids open for easier access.

Sometimes, they wanted to study the effects of the acid on his cells - one of the many things they loved putting him through for the purpose of ‘research’ and ‘improvement’.

Right now Loki got the desperate feeling that his new captors were going to do exactly that!

No. No, no, NO!

He could feel himself trembling harder and in a vain attempt to fight off the man next to his bed he lashed out.

Foolish humans. They should have restrained him as the others had done and he wasn’t nearly as blind as they thought he was.

Loki had taught himself to see through the means of energy patterns. It wasn’t actually seeing but more a type of feeling with his own energy. It cost him little effort and had become something of a sixth sense, giving him the ability to distinguish between persons and even objects.

Of course he had been able to heal himself in the beginning of his captivity, and he had done so, but the more they experimented on him, the more his powers had waned. He had been left with a shallow pool of energy with which he had to heal other, more lethal or painful wounds and it was just enough to keep him alive. Would his magic diminish for too long, would it be completely gone for a span of weeks, it would start eating his life-force and he would die.

Right now he was trying to grab the nearest person and searched for a tool to use as a weapon. He didn’t get far as strong hands grabbed his arms and legs, pinning him to the bed.

Loki trashed in their grip. “No!” he shouted. “Please, PLEASE! Stop playing with me, just do it already.” Tears were streaming down his face, the salt and liquid burning his marred eyes. He didn’t care, he had experienced worse pain. “Please,” he said weakly and stopped trashing.

“We’re not toying with you, Loki,” someone - a man - said.

“You are! You always do.” Loki took a shivering breath, trying to calm himself to make sure he could speak the words. Sometimes if he asked for it they would comply. “Just pour the acid in my eyes and be over with it!”

Silence hung heavy in the air only to be penetrated by Loki’s shallow gulps of air. “Please. Just- Just get it over with.”

_“Just get it over with.”_

_“Behave, creature, or we will draw this out.”_

_He was trembling, tried to move his head but he couldn’t. The bonds around his forehead kept him in place. He could feel the scientist bend over him. Something was in the scientist hands._

_He couldn’t prevent the whimper escaping the back of his throat. “Please.”_

The persons holding him let him go and instead they put something cold and foreign around his wrists, restraining his arms to the bed.

“Can we talk outside?” a man asked.

Loki could hear the scuffling of feet and a door falling shut as they all left the room, leaving Loki alone with his thoughts.

* * *

Tony was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed in front of his torso, and Steve was biting the inside of his cheek as they both looked at Bruce.

“How severe is the damage?” Tony asked him.

“As far as his general health goes-” Bruce said, “-he has suffered a lot of trauma. I don’t know what has been done by HYDRA and what he has suffered before that. There is a lot of scarring, infected tissue on his insides and the x-ray shows a severe amount of broken bones that have healed. Luckily the bones have healed properly. He is heavily malnourished and dehydrated. Honestly I’m surprised he’s still alive.” Bruce licked his lips and continued in a whisper, “a human would not have survived.”

“And his eyes?” Tony inquired.

“It’s hard to tell. They have been-” Bruce swallowed, not wanting to say it out loud. “They have been doing this to him for a very long time. He is completely blind on both eyes and I don’t know if it will heal. If he was a normal human definitely not, but if he’s anything like Thor…”

Tony nodded.

“I guess only time will tell,” Steve said. “Do we have any means to contact Thor?”

Tony shook his head.

“How long-” Bruce swallowed, not able to finish his question.

“We don’t know,” Steve offered, bile rising in the back of his throat. “I’ll go and find Natasha, see if she got anything more out of that file.”

Bruce nodded.

“I’ll have J.A.R.V.I.S. run the web,” said Tony. “See if we can find anything.”

“This might take a long time, _if_ he ever recovers at all,” Bruce mused. “I’ll talk to him and arrange for a shower and clean clothes.”

With a nod they all parted to do their jobs.

* * *

“Loki, can you tell me what they wanted with you?” the man asked.

It was the same man who had been prying at his eyes - he recognized the energy pattern.

What was this? Why was this man asking what they wanted to do with him? Yes, they were his new captors, but it had been nothing but a transfer. Right? They should have gotten the files; should know. Why didn’t he know? Why was he asking him?

Loki’s breathing had gone erratic and a machine next to him was beeping with the same, quick frequency as his heart. His hands were balled into fists, his nails digging in his skin in a vain attempt to keep him grounded.

He tried to control his breathing before he answered. His voice was rough and hoarse, his throat raw from disuse or overuse due to screaming. “I don’t know.”

Loki held his breath, automatically squeezing his eyes shut to brace himself.

_“You don’t know? That is not an answer, Loki, and you know it.”_

_He scowled. “It is very much an answer, it just doesn’t please you.”_

_The man hummed._

_Pain suddenly flared in his veins and he clenched his teeth together to prevent himself from screaming. The pain receded and it left him breathing hard._

_“Answer the question,” the scientist demanded._

_“I already told you, I don’t know!”_

_“Still not the correct answer.”_

_If he ever got out of this chair he would search the answer to the question, if only it was out of spite or the fact that he could use it on the man. Then he would be the one screaming and answ-_

_The burning hot pain rampaged through his veins again and he tasted the copper tang of blood._

Nothing happened. The pain didn’t come.

“N-no,” he stuttered. “I mean-” Loki swallowed and searched for the words, but truth to be told, he didn’t know. Maybe once he had known what his captivators had wanted from him, but currently he didn’t know. Still, it wasn’t an answer, not a possible answer, and thus he’d better rack his brain for an answer.

Truth or lie, it didn’t matter. He needed to answer!

He squirmed in the back of his throat which only added to the inflamed feeling that already lingered there - a pathetic sound. “They want… They wanted-”

He didn’t know…

Damn!

“Hey, hey, calm down. Nobody is gonna hurt you anymore,” the man said soothingly.

Liar! The man was a liar! He was going to hurt him. Maybe not now or this day, but in the end he would. They always did. Humans and their empty promises…

The man put a hand on his shoulder to steady him, but Loki only went rigid at the touch though he was still trembling. The hand disappeared quickly.

“Okay, okay,” the eye-prier fretted. “Let’s try another question. Do you know how long they’ve held you captive?”

Held? What did he mean by _held_? He was still held captive, right? They had restrained him with something to the bed, wired him to machines and he couldn’t go anywhere. If he was free, if they wanted to let him be free, they wouldn’t have stopped his attempt to flee mere minutes ago!

Still, he had to answer, because silence was the same as not knowing.

“I cannot exactly tell time if day and night spit in my eyes,” he deadpanned and pointed at his face as good as the restrains would allow.

That sassy comment might not have been the smartest move, but dumb questions evoked sassy answers. He would gladly take the painful punishment this time for the comment. It was worth it.

The pain didn’t come.

They were playing a cruel game, these new captors.

The man sighed and was silent.

Loki finally got control of his breathing, the trembling in his body lessening and his heart slowing down. Thankfully the beeping of the machine had slowed down too. He uncurled his hands, placing them on the soft surface he was lying on.

“When was the last time you have eaten something?” the man asked suddenly.

In an automatic response Loki’s eyes flew open, turning his head to the man and looking at him with his white eyes.

Another silence stretched as Loki read the man’s energy pattern. It told him a lot and for one thing it told him that the man didn’t harbor any malicious intent towards him, but underneath the surface brooded a great anger. A lot of rage and a will to destroy.

“I think… I think it was two weeks,” Loki said softly, his finger running over the pad of his thumb. As a response his stomach growled.

The man next to him stood, walking around the room and rummaging through something before he returned to Loki’s side.

“If I release you from those restrains, will you promise me not to attack anyone?”

Loki milled over the question. He should answer the question, but it only evoked a question for him. It must have shown on his face as the man bade him to ask.

“Why?” Loki asked uncertain and immediately cringed, expecting some form of retaliation.

“Because it’s easier for you to eat for yourself,” came the reply.

He balled his fists at his side. His promise would be empty. If they tried anything he would fight his captivators again. He was caught between wanting to lie and being trained to speak truthfully with the promise of pain if they discovered he had lied.

“I will not hurt you. Nobody will,” the eye-prier said. “But as form of a trade you can’t hurt us either and I’ll release you from those restrains. Deal?”

Loki’s eyes darted left and right before trailing downwards as if he could still look at his hands, his index finger already running over the pad of his thumb. He gave a small nod.

The man let out a breath he had been holding and fumbled with the foreign substance - which Loki had assessed as plastic - around his wrists. A second later he was able to move his right hand and the mobility of his left hand quickly followed.

“Don’t be scared, I’m going to put some food in your hand,” the man said carefully. “It’s wrapped in plastic so you’ll have to take that off.”

The man was true to his word and placed something slightly rectangular and long in his hand, the plastic cracking as he fumbled with it. He took the wrapper off and sniffed at the weird food that was presented to him. It smelled very strong, but Loki was hungry and took a large bite.

After chewing twice he couldn’t take it anymore and spit the food out in his hand. Loki screwed his eyes shut.

“Don’t you like it? I’m sorry, all we have are protein bars. I’ll ask someone to make you a decent meal.”

“No!” Loki said forcefully and immediately cringed. “It is- It…” He sighed in frustration.

“Yes?” the man prompted.

“It tastes too strong,” Loki said with a small voice.

He was met by silence. He raised the bar to his mouth again and took a small bite. This he could handle, the taste wasn’t so bad, it was just overwhelming compared to the stale food he had been fed for so long.

The man next to him got up. A couple of footsteps and a slamming door later and Loki was alone again.

* * *

“Tell me you got something,” Bruce almost wailed desperately to Natasha.

“That bad, huh?”

“He can’t even eat something as simple as a protein bar!” Bruce all but shouted. “I’m done with the surprises. Tell me everything you’ve discovered. Show me everything!”

Natasha sighed. “Bruce, calm down. We’ll find a way.”

“How could they do this? What sick person would-”

Bruce’s rant got interrupted as Tony, Steve and Clint entered the meeting room.

“Let’s lay out what we have discovered, put together a plan on how to go about this and see if we can figure out how to contact Thor,” Steve said, eyeing them one by one. “We need him for he knows Loki best. Until then…” Rogers took a deep breath.

“Until then each and every one of us is baby-sitting,” Tony said, voicing Cap’s thoughts.

* * *

After he had eaten half of the food he was given, Loki’s fingers skimmed along the wiring they had attached to his being. They were all plastered to his skin and he carefully peeled them off, the machine next to him beeping in overdrive.

Quickly he slipped out of bed, carefully scanning the room’s energy patterns. Nothing out of the ordinary in this new cell, though this one was graced with a bed. Just four walls and a-

Door!

Two doors!

He might as well try.

As quick as his marred body could handle he darted to the first door and tried the handle.

_His bloodied fingers curled around the handle as he was crouching low, trying to make himself small and hoping nobody would see him. He pulled the handle down and pulled to open the door._

_It didn’t budge._

_With a sigh he released the handle, swallowing down his disappointment. He reached for the handle again, trying to open the door. Maybe he had made a mistake by the first attempt. The only cage he truly lived in was his mind, not his surroundings. Sadly, that wasn’t true._

_The door was locked._

_With a frustrated growl he sank back to the floor. Maybe he could magically bust the lock, or if he had a small tool he could pick it._

_Crawling on all fours he searched his cell, looking for anything,_ anything _, that could be used as a lock-pick. He came up empty._

_He scurried back to the door and spread his fingers against it, searching for the mechanism that was the lock to magically dismantle it. It didn’t cost a lot of energy, but every little bit he used could prove his demise._

_The lock groaned and then popped. It was open!_

_Without thinking he yanked the door open only to be caught by strong hands which pinned him to the floor face-first._

_“Well, well. Trying to escape again?” a man with a German accent said. “Let’s see if we can train you to behave.”_

The handle went down and the door opened. Loki’s heart was hammering in his chest with excitement and fear. Maybe he could escape this place. Maybe he could flee and be free once more.

Freedom… The thought left a sour taste in the back of his throat. Where would he go? He couldn’t go back to Asgard, they didn’t want him there. His own father- No! Not his father! _Odin_ had rejected him while he was holding on to Gungnir, the gaping abyss nipping at his ankles.

The rejection was what had made him let go - his fingers uncurling from the staff and hoping for a swift death.

Those same fingers uncurled from the door-handle and Loki entered the new room. It was filled with… things. Loki scanned the square room with his energy-reading and quickly concluded it harbored a lot of water below the harsh surface. The walls were lined with little squares made from compressed sand and there was a lot of metal in the room as well. He couldn’t find another door, just the one he had entered through.

Loki’s fingers skimmed along surfaces to explore. He knew what he had encountered. It was a-

“You want to take a piss?” a man behind him asked.

Loki would have jumped out of his boots if he had been wearing any, and he immediately pressed himself against the nearest wall, his stance widening to attack, his fingers curled at his sides in claws.

“Wow, calm down! Didn’t mean to scare you,” the man said. This man was different from the first one who had hovered around him - not the eye-prier - this one’s energy pattern read a turmoiled soul who would do anything to do good.

Loki’s eyes darted left and right, a force of habit to assess situations. The new man was blocking the door. He was trapped and caught in the act. Maybe he could fight this new man, but if the stealth he had been approached with had been any indication along with the energy patterns of the man, he doubted he could take him on. Not in this state.

Loki slumped along the wall, every form of fight draining from his bones, but he still kept his face towards the man. He could have let his head hang, he didn’t see anything anyway, but it was better to protect his head and neck this way if the new man dared to make a move.

“Well, at least you’ve found the bathroom,” the man said as if he was making a vain attempt at making a conversation.

Loki licked his dry lips. “Yes,” he said weary, not knowing what to say. Did they expect anything from him? Was he in trouble? He probably was in trouble! He had been sneaking around and had been caught. He was going to be in a lot of trouble!

“When was the last time you’ve showered?” the man asked with a hint of disgust.

Another one of those idiotic questions.

“A long time ago…” he answered carefully.

“That might be an understatement,” the new man deadpanned. When he was met by Loki’s silence the man sighed. “I’ll help you.”

Too rapid for Loki’s liking the man approached and Loki growled in the back of his throat baring his teeth.

“Wow, wow. Calm down. I’m not gonna hurt you.” The man took a couple of steps back. “I just want to help you. Peel those clothes off so you can take a shower.”

“I am blind, not helpless,” Loki hissed and he immediately cringed. He shouldn’t lash out, it would only evoke punishment.

“Okay!” the man said shocked. “Just let me know when you need anything. I’ll wait by the door.” The man took a couple steps back, but didn’t leave the bathroom. He seemed to be leaning against the wall near the door.

“I’m Clint, by the way,” he introduced himself.

Loki unfolded himself to his full height and took a step towards what he presumed was the shower. It was better to listen than to defy the man, lest he wanted to be punished for insolence. He took another step, but something was in his way and he tripped. Before he hit the floor Clint already caught him. Loki went rigid and began to tremble again.

“Man, really. For the third time, calm down, I’m not gonna hurt you,” Clint bit irritated. Loki simpered at the berate. “Let me just help you before you hurt yourself.”

Loki milled over the words and could read the bordering desperation in the man’s energy. He gave a small nod.

Clint hauled him to his feet and peeled the clothes from his form. “Fuck! We really need to get some food in you!” shock evident in his voice.

Carefully he guided Loki to the shower and turned the tap on for him. The water hit Loki’s chest and he took a skittish step back, banging against the glass of the shower compartment, afraid of the water.

_He got dragged through the complex and they pushed him into a room none too kindly, making him trip over his feet and banging his knees to the floor, hard._

_He scrambled to his feet, turning to face the men that had pushed him into the room. The dampness of the area hit his lungs, his feet making wet sounds on the cold floor._

_“Strip down,” someone ordered him._

_He tilted his head. What were these humans thinking? That he would take off his clothing for_ them _? He was a Prince for the Norns sake; nobody told him what to do nor were they worthy to gaze upon his flesh._

_“I’m not going to repeat that. You have five seconds to comply.”_

_“If you think I will heed your command, you are mistaken,” he bit vicious. “Who do you think-”_

_“Suit yourself,” the woman shrugged, interrupting him._

_Before he could counter the words something made a rumbling noise and he was hit by cold water, soaking him through and through._

_He put an arm in front of his face to shield him from the onslaught of the freezing water burning his eyes._

Confusion took hold of Loki and carefully he put out a hand to test the water. It was warm! He had expected cold water and he was already shivering with the anticipation, but instead warm water had graced his skin.

Eagerly he took a step forward so he was under the spray, making sure to keep his head clear of the water and a content sigh unwillingly escaped his lips. He could feel his muscles relax and he drank in the energy that it gave him, opening his mouth and letting the warm water wet his dry mouth, careful for the water not to hit his eyes.

“There is soap to your left to wash your hair,” Clint said from his position near the door.

Loki shuddered. Washing his hair sounded amazing, but it meant that he would have to stick his head underneath the spray of water.

His brows furrowed as he contemplated his options - a choice between two evils. He opted to wash his hair, this chance outweighing any pain it would bring him. He was already used to pain a lot worse.

Feeling around he grabbed for the bottle and poured a generous amount of the shampoo in his hair. With a sigh he squeezed his eyes shut as hard as he could to prepare himself for the water in his face.

“Why do you squeeze your eyes shut if you’re already blind?” Clint asked him curious.

“The acid activates with water and that burns,” Loki answered softly and put his head underneath the spray to rinse out the soap in his hair.

“For fuck sake,” Clint breathed behind him.

* * *

“Was his last dose of acid this morning?” Clint asked Bruce while Loki was still in the shower. Bruce gave him an affirmative nod. “How long does that stuff linger in his eyes?”

“I don’t know exactly. It should wear off within a couple of days. Why?” Bruce shrugged.

“Did you know it actives with water?” Clint said with raised eyebrows.

Bruce visible paled at that revelation. “No. The name described in his file was unfamiliar to me. Not a common known thing. I think HYDRA cooked this up themselves.”

“Is there a possibility you can examine it and make a counter potion or something?” Clint asked.

“If we had the acid, I might. But seeing I don’t have it the only source I could get it from are Loki’s eyes, and I’m not really keen on sticking a needle in them,” Bruce said with a shudder. “And, uh- there’s another thing.”

Clint raised his eyebrow in question.

“It might be that we have to put the acid in his eyes again.”

“Fuck! What?” Clint spat. “Hasn’t he been through enough?”

Bruce’s face fell to one of morbid horror. “Yes, but I don’t know if it’s addictive or something. They have ministered it for years and it might well be that his eyes get a lot worse _without_ the acid. Eating in on it-”

“Spare me the details, doc!” Clint said with a raised hand. “I don’t wanna know.”

Bruce sighed. “I think we just have to wait to see what happens and hope Loki will tell us when he needs something or something changes.”

“Yeah, fat chance!”

* * *

Loki rumpled the fabric of his new clothing between his fingers. It was soft and without holes, but still it itched his irritated skin. The shoes he had been given he ignored completely.

With a sigh his hand fell next to him on the bed, his index finger running over the pad of his thumb.

The shower had done him well, the smell of his fresh soaped hair lingering around him, soothing him a little. They had also given him a comb. It had taken a while to get the knots out and smooth his long hair, but at least he could run a hand through it now if he wanted.

Still, he was itchy from head to toe and annoyed. He had cranked up the shower so hot that it had burned his skin, his clothing was itchy, the bed too soft and his new captors treated him too nice and with too much care. Was this all to make him pliable for the near future? They all kept saying they weren’t going to harm him, but Loki didn’t believe them.

But most of all he was tired. His eyes kept drooping, but he didn’t want to go to sleep. He didn’t _dare_ to go to sleep. Too scared that this all had been a dream and that he would wake in his old cell again, or, if this all had been real, too scared to find himself in another cage if he woke again.

Still, he couldn’t fight the mind numbing lure of sleep entirely, but it wouldn’t take him away as the bed was too soft.

With a growl he pulled the covers from his form and searched the room for a safe place to curl up.

There was none.

The bed was in the center of the room and though he longed to crawl under it, it was exposed on three sides, making him an easy target and unable to protect his back. The openness of the room wasn’t appealing either, making him an easy target too.

With the last remainder of his strength he pushed the bed into the corner of the room. If they were going to keep him captive he could at least have a say in the lay-out of the place.

For a s long as that would take hold…

Quickly he crawled underneath the bed on the cold, hard floor, curling himself up in the corner with the false safety of the bed above his head.

_“Grab him!”_

_He hissed in response, feeling persons and their limbs drawing near. He lashed out. The limbs retreated._

_“Loki! Get out from under the bed,” the man with the German accent said._

_Like hell he was going to come out of his hiding-spot! If they grabbed him he would get hooked to one of their machines again, or maybe it was time for another dose of blinding acid. He didn’t want it and thus he fought his captors._

_His place underneath his bed was easy to defend, less angles from which they could attack._

_“Get out from under the bed or we’ll remove it entirely and you’ll not get it back,” the man threatened._

_“Walk to hell,” he growled._

_They stayed true to their word and they lifted his bed. Hands reached out to seize him, but he would put up a fight. He grabbed the first arm that reached him by the wrist and he sank his teeth into flesh._

“Son of a-” someone howled. “He bit me!”

“Better check for rabies,” someone said.

The bed was still above Loki’s head, a couple of persons obviously lying on the floor to peer under it, trying to reach him.

He could feel their energy patterns vibrate with tension. One of them he recognized as the eye-prier, the others were unfamiliar.

“Loki, we only want to help you,” the eye-prier said.

“Lies!” Loki hissed and pushed himself back to his corner. Why did they keep insisting upon helping him? He had been peacefully asleep and they had to wake him so crudely. He was tired, he only wanted to sleep. Their experiments could wait another day!

They retreated and the press of energy from various beings receded for a bit. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and the adrenaline pumping through his veins.

“Tony, let me see that,” the eye-prier said.

“He has a mean bite.”

Apparently he had bitten a man named Tony. Loki didn’t care. The man shouldn’t have attacked him. _Loki_ shouldn’t have attacked him. There would undoubtedly be a punishment waiting for him - if not now, then later.

“Why did you want to drag him out of there anyway?” a woman asked.

“Because J.A.R.V.I.S. informed me he was screaming in his sleep. I thought something was wrong.”

“Well, obviously-”

“Hey, Loki,” a man said, shifting Loki’s attention to him. Loki recognized him vaguely as the man who had helped him in the bathroom.

He could feel that the man was near and crouching to peer at him underneath the bed. What did they want now? Couldn’t they just leave him be for a couple of… well, _forever_ would be nice!

“Are you okay?” the man asked warmly.

“As good as can be given my current state,” Loki huffed dryly. It took a moment before he realized what he had said and pressed himself harder against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut and putting his arms up to his head to protect himself.

That was the umpteenth time he had broken a rule and he was sure their patience was wearing thin. He could only phantom what cruel things they were going to do to him for his insolence.

The man hummed. “Is there anything we can do for you? Anything you want?”

Well, that must have been the most stupid question of the century!

“I want you to leave me alone!” Loki all but shouted. “You’re too many, too kind and constantly fretting over me. My body might be broken, but my mind is still in tact! You’re just keeping me here to concoct the next round wicked of experiments on me. You said you knew Thor! You lured me in with an empty promise and trying to- to…” Loki took a ragged breath, tears burning his eyes which hurt all the more due to the acid.

He could hear the man draw a breath to say something, but Loki didn’t give him the chance.

“GO AWAY!” he shouted, tears spilling from his blind eyes, his face a mask of anguish mixed with anger and desperation. “Go away and leave me alone!”

There was a moment of silence and the man drew away.

If there were any words spoken, Loki didn’t hear them, his hands already covering his head and ears, trembling so violently his teeth rattled. They were going to hurt him. He would get punished any minute now. He shouldn’t have shouted, he shouldn’t have screamed. He shouldn’t have sassed. He shouldn’t have…

He shouldn’t have!

But all he heard was the door falling shut with a soft thud and the lack of energy of living beings told him he was alone again.

It felt like a blessing.

* * *

“Sir, Mr. Loki is walking around,” J.A.R.V.I.S. piped in as the Avengers were having dinner together later that day.

“Let him explore, J.,” Tony answered his A.I. “But keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself and you know his level of clearance.”

“Yes sir,” came the answer. Even J.A.R.V.I.S., who had no emotions, sounded loaden.

“J.A.R.V.I.S.?” Steve asked, “don’t make yourself known to him, I’m not sure he can handle that yet.”

“Why are we letting him roam free?” Barton asked dismayed. “The guy’s gonna get himself hurt. He already hurt himself with cranking up the shower too hot.”

“Because I don’t want him to feel like a prisoner nor do I want to treat him like one,” Tony shot back. “J.A.R.V.I.S., can you keep us updated on his whereabouts as much as possible?”

“Sure thing, sir.”

Tony focused his attention back on Clint. “And did you just insult my A.I.?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everybody for their ravenous enthusiasm and comments, reblogs and messages. When I started writing this I actually thought only a few people were going to like this fic and this kinda exceeded my expectations. Thank you so much!

Time had passed, Loki didn’t know how much, but his new captors had left him alone for quite a while.

He was still lying underneath the bed, pressed into the corner as much as he could. Only once had he come out to hoard the blankets of the bed to wrap himself in. It added to the feeling of safety and although the safety of the blankets was false, at least it was comforting.

Eventually he had drifted off into a deep, restless sleep.

_He was falling. Falling through the endless void until it spat him out. He landed with a hard smack on a rough surface. He didn’t open his eyes nor did he move. Why should he? If he was lucky he would be in Helheim now, but he knew he wasn’t dead._

_Disappointing…_

_He just lay there, his body broken, his mind scattered, his soul torn. His Seidr went to rapid work to heal his most fatal wounds. It wasn’t enough to fix everything. The void had leeched his magic._

_“He is still alive.” The words drifted to his ears and it took a long time for them to take root. “And he is healing at inhuman speed.”_

_“Take him!”_

_He was jostled; someone was picking him up. It hurt. He spoke, said the words, but he wasn’t sure it was more than a moan he had produced. There was a complete lack of an answer._

_He drifted in and out of consciousness. He might have heard questions and he might have answered them, but he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of anything._

_A blinding light woke him, blinking to open his eyes to see. When the room slowly shifted into focus and the light didn’t burn his eyes anymore, he tried to sit up._

_He couldn’t._

_Restrains were placed on his being and disabled him to move. Even worse; he lacked every form of strength to move. No power in his limbs and his Seidr dangerously low._

_It left him with only one option: resigning to his fate._

_Maybe they would be merciful and put him to death. The quick death he had hoped for when he had let go of Gungnir._

Instead of a swift death he had fallen through the darkness of the void for an unknown amount of time. There was no time, no sound, no light, no smell, nothing to taste, and worst of all, he hadn’t been able to feel anything. He had simply existed in a place between places, something that wasn’t there and shouldn’t exist, and yet it did.

He had drifted, caught between life and eath, until the void had spat him out. And of all the places he could have landed, he had landed on Midgard, broken, terrified, wishing for death, cold, but mostly alone. Until someone had found him.

 _They_ had found them. HYDRA! And they knew all about him. How? Loki didn’t know, but this organisation was organized, methodically and ruthless. They had wanted him to bend to their wills, making him into something more powerful than he already was. A weapon to fear.

A weapon to destroy the world…

Loki wouldn’t break. For all that they did to him he wouldn’t budge nor bend - to their utter dismay. When they realised that, they had changed their course. If he couldn’t be made into a weapon, then they would use whatever power he possessed to create another weapon. And thus the experiments had become worse; longer, more painful, and leaving him more drained of everything.

The hope that he could escape them had dimmed with every passing second, but with the arrival of his new captors new hope soared in his chest.

Loki woke with a scream and he was no longer underneath the bed, but rather _on_ the bed. Immediately his heart-rate went up, his breathing coming in shallow gasps as he quickly scanned the room for the energy patterns of his captors.

He was alone.

A relieved sigh escaped him and he tried to calm down. He was on a bed and not in a cage. They must have moved him while he had slept and if they had poured the cocktail in his eyes, he had been down under so deep that he hadn’t even felt it.

Carefully he put his hand to his face, with nimble fingers softly touching the skin of his eyelid and expecting a stinging pain at the touch.

The pain never came.

Slowly the smell of something weird drifted to his nose and it took him a while to recognize what it was. Food!

_He heard footsteps outside of his cell, two persons approaching. He could smell the electricity in the air, the hairs on his skin standing on end and he pressed himself back into the corner of his cell._

_He didn’t want to fight the men with their cruel sticks that gave him shocks. Not today._

_The door to his cell opened and two persons stood waiting by the door as a third entered._

_Three! It had been three persons!_

_Now they were closer he could distinct their patterns, two of them were very similar._

_Something was placed on the floor in the center of his cell and the person left again, the door slamming shut and followed by the sound of fading footsteps._

_The smell of stale bread tickled his nose and on all fours he slowly crawled to the source. Reaching out with his hands he felt for the plastic tray, almost knocking over the cup of water they had graced him with this time._

_Carefully his fingers wrapped around the cup and he took a sip, savoring the wetness of the cool liquid to soothe his burning throat._

Carefully and methodically he felt around, finding a table next to his bed where he found a tray. His fingers brushed a glass and he could sense that there was liquid inside of it. He picked it up and sniffed the unfamiliar contents. It was warm and smelled very strong, but Loki’s throat was so dry that he didn’t question it and put the glass to his lips to take a big gulp.

Immediately he was overwhelmed by the strong taste of salt and a second later he felt it burn down his raw throat, stinging and making him cough. He spit the remainder of the liquid back in the glass and put it back on the table.

What kind of poison was this? Were his new captors satisfied that he was blind and were they now going to make him a mute?

The taste still lingered on his palette and it recalled old memories of great banquets in Asgard. The memory was foggy, but he got the feeling he knew the substance they had given him. It wasn’t poisonous, but he couldn’t place it either.

He should be able to know what it was, he was intelligent enough, yet his mind was still a tangled mess and he gave up the chase.

His hand went back to the tray, feeling around and he found another glass. This one was definitely filled with water. He could sense the raw element and quickly he took a gulp to soothe his inflamed throat. He had to keep himself from downing the entire glass in one go. If he drank it all, it would be gone and he wouldn’t have any new, but mostly his stomach was likely to protest vehemently.

He put the glass of water back on the table, making sure to keep it away from the other glass filled with its salty content, and began to feel around on the tray. There was a plate filled with something warm, a plastic container which felt cold and was sealed, and something slightly round which he identified as a type of fruit.

His stomach rumbled and he picked up the plate to place it on his lap, forfeiting the idea of searching for cutlery and just picking something off the plate with his fingers.

It tasted strong as well, but he could place this. It was meat. Carefully he took a couple of small bites trying to savor the taste, but it was too strong and he quickly reached for the glass of water and gulped it down in one go.

He had longed for strawberries and cooked venison for so long, and now that he had it, he couldn’t even eat it.

He sighed in defeat and put the plate back on the table. As soon as his fingers uncurled from the plate it slipped from his grasp and with a loud clang it fell to the floor.

Immediately his muscles pulled taut, and just as he expected someone came scurrying into the room.

“Miscalculation?” the person asked and moved next to his bed.

“It’s not that I can exactly _see_ where I place things,” Loki bit vicious. His eyes went wide and he began to tremble again. First he destroyed something, undoubtedly making a mess, and then he had lashed out. His captors wouldn’t be pleased by that.

He covered his face with one arm, the other wrapping around his torso to protect his most vital organs. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he pleaded, still shivering violently. “I couldn’t- I didn’t-” He drew in a ragged breath, cringing in on himself to make him as small as possible. “Don’t hurt me,” he whispered barely audible.

The pleading left a sour taste on the back of his tongue so strong, it almost washed away the saltiness of the concoction he just had. However, sometimes pleading worked to postpone the inevitable punishment that would follow and he desperately needed a reprieve right now.

“Loki, nobody’s going to hurt you,” the man sighed, sounding very tired.

The small whimper that tore itself from the back of Loki’s throat was just pathetic. He didn’t believe the man. They would always hurt him, if not now, then later.

_“We’re not going to hurt you, Loki” the woman said. “We just want you to tell us a couple of things.”_

_He raised an eyebrow in mocking gesture. Sure…_

_“What are you?” the woman asked._

_He cringed. What was he? Well, he wasn’t what he had thought he was, all those years fed nothing but lies. He wasn’t going to tell her. “I already told you, I am a God.”_

_“That is not true and you know it.”_

What? _Were they trying to strip his identity from him? They wouldn’t succeed in that, it was already too late. Odin had beat them to it._

_“You just don’t want to believe it,” he sighed, tired of the questioning that went round and round in circles._

_“If you were a God you wouldn’t be sitting here strapped to a chair, now would you?”_

_Even Gods have limits and they had pushed him to his very edge. Had he had his full powers he wouldn’t be sitting here indeed; he would be burning this place down to the ground after he had killed every last one of his captors._

_“Now I’m asking you again, what are you?”_

_He didn’t answer._

_“We’re not going to hurt you if you tell us.”_

_Ah! There was the ‘if’._

_“I am Loki, one of the Gods you would know as the Norse Gods,” he told her for the tenth time that day._

_The woman sighed in what sounded like defeat and addressed someone else. “Run some more experiments on his blood and skin to see if we can figure out what he is.”_

_Something spliced his skin painfully, but he didn’t make a sound._

_“I truly didn’t want to hurt you,” the woman said to him with something that sounded like remorse._

_Liar!_

“Try to get some rest. Bruce will be with you later to see if he can run some tests,” the man said as Loki heard him place the plate back on the table.

There it was! They _were_ going to hurt him. His new captors just called it ‘tests’ instead of ‘experiments’ or ‘improvements’.

No.

No, no, NO!

He wouldn’t let it happen!

Before the man could retreat his arm from placing the plate back on the table, Loki’s fingers curled around the man’s wrist and Loki leapt out of bed, dragging the man with him.

If he was quick enough he could overpower the man and make a run for it. However, overpowering this human proved quite difficult. The man was strong - stronger than a human should be - and in his weakened state Loki proved no match.

But the man didn’t fight him, just twisted from his grasp and placed himself out of Loki’s reach. He told Loki to stop and that he wasn’t going to hurt him, but Loki felt the hot rage burning through his veins and he was set on bringing the man down.

Before he was able to locate the human again a door slammed shut. He took a dive towards that sound and tried to jank open the door - either to attack the man or to flee. However, this time the door _was_ locked.

A quick scan of the room told him he was alone again, no other living energy patterns.

He banged on the door with both fists, sputtering curses, insults and threats in every language he knew until his throat was raw.

* * *

Steve was leaning against the wall, rubbing his wrist with his other hand. He, Bruce and Tony were watching at the screen which gave a live-feed of the infirmary. Loki had slumped down against the door, every form of fight drained from his bones and staring ahead at something he couldn’t see.

“He is strong,” Steve said and stopped rubbing his wrist.

“I hadn’t expected anything less from a God. I mean, he’s Thor’s brother,” Bruce offered casually.

“What are we going to do if he has regained his full strength and wants to leave?” Steve asked to nobody in particular.

“Then we’ll let him leave,” Tony shrugged which drew questioning looks from the two other men. “I’m not going to keep him captive, he’s had enough of that already. Like you said, he is a God, I’m pretty sure he’ll manage just fine on his own. Blind or not.”

The others nodded slowly.

“I still need to run some tests,” Bruce said softly.

“Yeah, he didn’t take that well, Capsicle. Way to go,” Tony deadpanned and gave Steve a look.

Steve ignored the jab; he was already feeling bad enough about the whole thing as it was.

“For that I need him on a surface I can access him,” Bruce continued as if Tony hadn’t spoken. “Can’t treat him when he is lying underneath the bed.”

“Then we have to wait until he sleeps so we can move him again,” Steve answered.

“That might take hours, if not days. I don’t have days.”

“We’ll figure something out,” Tony shushed. “If he won’t come out voluntarily we’ll drag him out. It’s not pretty, but it’s for his own good.”

“Let’s just wait for a bit,” Bruce said, pointing at the screen where they could see Loki crawl across the floor to hide under the bed again. “We might be lucky.”

* * *

He was back on the bed again, three men hovering around him and a person - female - standing by the door.

He recognized all of the men. There was the one from earlier who he had tried to fight. Another was the eye-prier and the last one was the one he had bitten. The woman by the door he didn’t recognize. Her energy pattern told him she was human, but stronger in some way, just like the guy he had fought but… different? It was confusing.

Whatever they were going to do to him, there was no escaping now and thus he would suffer their actions just like he had done a thousand times before. It wasn’t even worth being scared about, just a normal day in the hell that his life had become, and thus he wasn’t trembling though his muscles ached painfully in their rigid state.

“Okay, Loki. I’m going to shine a flashlight in your eyes. This shouldn’t hurt,” the eye-prier said.

Warm fingers carefully touched his face, pulling the eyelids of his right eye open. After a couple of seconds the man moved to his left eye and then he pulled back. “No pupil dilation,” he muttered and Loki could hear a quick tapping sound. “The acid should be gone from his eyes too, but I’m reluctant to test that.”

Loki felt a warm hand on his shoulder and the touch made him go rigid and grounded him at the same time. Apparently he was trembling again.

He took a couple of deep breaths to steady himself and the hand fell away.

“Loki,” the eye-prier said to draw his attention. “I’m going to take some of your blood so I can run some tests on that later. It might hurt a little and feel uncomfortable, but I promise I’ll make it quick. Okay?”

Loki swallowed, but otherwise remained silent. What was he going to do? Say no? Like that would deter his captors from doing it anyway.

_He swam through the darkness of his mind and a feeble groan escaped his lips. He tried to move, but found that he couldn’t. His arms and legs were strapped and there was unmistakably another strap around his torso._

_“Six minutes and forty-five seconds,” someone said._

_He was too groggy to discern if it was a man or woman who had spoken - it didn’t matter anyway._

_“You’re back. Good,” the person said._

_He could feel how blood left his body through a vein in the crook of his left arm. It didn’t help with the feeling of lightheadedness._

_“Let’s test another one.”_

_“Which are you going inject?” another person asked._

_“X five zero three, otherwise known as Cyanide,” the first person responded._

_Something cold entered the vein in the crook of his right elbow._

_The feeling of dizziness got amplified and he felt the liquid rampage through his veins. It was setting his body on fire and at the same time making him shivering with an unbearable cold. His heart was hammering in his chest, his breathing coming in shallow gasps and he could feel bile rise in the back of his throat._

_“Let’s see how long it takes before he recovers from this one.”_

_He was too weak to protest._

Something was wrapped tightly around his upper-arm and a couple of seconds later he could feel something pierce his skin. It did hurt though it was minor, not even worth his attention actually. The needle pulled out and something soft was pressed on the crook of his elbow where the needle had been pushed in.

“Alright, that was all,” the eye-prier said. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Loki narrowed his eyes, just an automatic reflex to make his displeasure known. “I’m not some child or sick animal, human,” he spat. “You don’t have to placate me like one.”

“I know,” the man mumbled. “I just want to hurt you as less as possible.”

“And what do you care?” Loki snarled. “Do you think I care? To me your are naught more than the next group of pathetic humans who want to use me for their own ‘righteous’ purposes. You are all being kind now, but when push comes to show you won’t shy to bend me to your wills with any means possible. Your feigned kindness is worse than what HYDRA has done all that time. I would rather have you put me back in a cell and just torture me than putting up with this facade.”

This was worse. The moment he would get used to the kindness and take it for granted, the worse the pain would be when they would begin to torture him again. This was one wicked game of psychological warfare.

A game he was very apt at himself.

“Is that what you think we’re doing? Listen pall, we’re the good guys, not HYDRA. We fight them and we got you out. We’re not gonna hurt you, we don’t want to hurt you. We just want to help you. You might want to let that sink into that thick skull of yours!”

Loki didn’t know who had spoken, nor did he care much, but he cringed at the outburst. He brought his arm up to his face to shield himself from the physical punishment that would surely follow, but it never came.

Strangely, that lack of punishment made him even more angry. Not only were they toying with him, but they were all liars as well.

Liars!

All the humans, all the Aesir. Everyone!

Loki lowered his arm and barked a mocking laugh, but it lacked its usual bite. “Then pray tell me, Human, what _are_ you going to do with me?”

Someone - presumably the man who had had his outburst - snorted frustrated.

One of the other man spoke up. “We’re going to get you back to health and into shape. After that you can go wherever you want. In fact, you can leave right now if you want, but I don’t think that is a good idea. In the meanwhile were doing everything we can to find Thor. After that, you can go back to where you came from or whatever destination you choose.”

Loki’s head had twisted to the man who was speaking, paling with every word, and was now fixing him with a glare. Even with his milky-white eyes it was unsettling and he could hear the man bristle under his withering gaze.

 _Thor_ …

“What does it take to convince you we’re not intending to harm you or to use you?” the woman near the door asked. If his rant had affected her in any way, he couldn’t discern it in her energy-pattern.

Loki felt his anger deflate and suddenly he felt very tired. Tired of everyone hovering around him and tired of himself. His mind just wouldn’t accept that there weren’t ulterior motivations to their actions, whether this was because he was conditioned to do so or because it was a part of him to always be suspicious and on his guard.

He didn’t want to acknowledge that the only cage he was being kept in was the cage his own mind had built. There must be more. Yet, he couldn’t answer her question.

Out of habit he looked down, fumbling with his fingers. “I do not know,” he answered whispered.

* * *

“This is gonna be a heck of a lot more difficult than we thought it would be,” Tony said dismayed.

“Yeah, what did you expect? A ‘thank you’ and a pat on the back? He has been brainwashed for years, it takes a long time to get back from that,” Natasha countered dryly.

The Avengers were sitting in the meeting room, discussing what to do with Loki. He was healing, but it was slow. Most of them felt they should double their efforts to contact Thor because it would probably aid to his healing.

“Sir, I’ve found something,” J.A.R.V.I.S. interrupted their discussion. “It is a video from Loki during his captivity at HYDRA,” he explained and played a video on one of the screens.

The old video was grainy, but they could unmistakably make out Loki strapped to a chair while people in black lab-coats hovered around him. When one of the lab-coats moved away, Loki was fully in the picture, obviously trembling and his eyes set wide.

“Is he… Is he having a panic attack?” Tony asked as he narrowed his eyes to peer at the screen.

“It seems like it,” Natasha said emotionless.

“And they are still…” Tony couldn’t finish the question.

One of the lab-coats moved to Loki and injected something in his arm. The mouth-wide, soundless scream along with the screwing shut of his eyes indicated that he was in pure agony.

“Yes,” Bruce said softly to answer Tony.

“Turn it off, J.,” Tony commanded and the screen went black.

“This is vital information, Tony,” Natasha berated and looked at him without a trace of emotion.

“Yeah, well, I can’t stomach to watch this any longer,” Tony growled.

“Why-” Natasha began, but got cut off.

“YOU KNOW WHY!” Tony shouted.

Natasha looked him dead in the eye. “That was not what I was going to say, Tony. Why don’t you let me watch this and I’ll provide you with vital information if there is any to conclude from.”

“Oh,” Tony deflated and then nodded.

Steve sighed. “I’m going to take another attempt at getting some food in him.”

* * *

“Hey,” someone - obviously male and one who he had spoken before - greeted him.

Loki gritted his teeth. What did they want from him now? Hadn't they had their fun already? Or had it merely been a start for worse things to come?

Stupid question! Of course there were worse things to come. They were only toying with him until he was pliable enough to obey them.

“Can we talk?” the man asked.

Loki recognized his energy pattern as the one he had tried to fight - to his dismay.

“I don’t have a choice in the matter, do I?” Loki answered monotone. “If you want to talk to me, you will. If you want to make me talk, you will. If you want to move me or want me not to move, you will.” He made a rotating motion with his hand. “The list goes on and on, you get the point.” He couldn’t help but noticing that even to his own ears he sounded more sad than indifferent. He let out a sigh.

“Is that how it works? Is that what you want?” the man asked, a hint of desperation seeping in his voice. “Me, giving you orders and if you disobey punish you for that disobedience?”

Loki was silent. The nail of his left hand found a groove in the palm of his right hand, rubbing over the life-line or scar - he didn’t know which it was. His jaw twitched before he spoke with a small voice, “no.”

“Good, ‘cause that wasn’t going to happen,” the man sounded agitated and Loki flinched. Then, on a much lighter and more careful tone he continued, “Is that what HYDRA did to you?”

Loki took a ragged breath. He contemplated to sneer at the man, but sneering got him nowhere. If anything, it only would bring him more pain, just like HYDRA had done.

_“Took you long enough to recover from that. The previous time was faster.”_

_His head was hanging limply forward, his chin almost meeting his chest. Had it not been for the strap around his torso he would have sagged forward from the chair he was sitting in._

_He had a pounding headache behind his eyes, his mind still going in circles that was the familiar feeling of dizziness._

_“What did you expect?” he asked weakly with a crooked voice. “You've been using me as a pincushion all day, injecting what not in my bloodstream-” he broke off to swallow, his throat raw from screaming. “You're not giving me proper food or water. Shall we see how you respond after I have put_ you _through that?”_

_His throat punished him for the use of so many words, making him cough and the air passing his throat feeling like swallowing daggers._

_“Loki. Are you back-mouthing?” the man asked._

_“Merely-” another painful rasp, “-stating a fact.”_

_The man hummed. “You know that kind of behaviour demands punishment.”_

_He tried to huff, but it came out as a weak gust of air, passing his lips without a lot of power behind it._

_He wanted to challenge them, tell them to do their worst. There wasn't anything worse they could do to him than already had been done to him. Yet, he knew better._

_Before his mind had fully wrapped up the thought and he had made a decision, something pressed against his chest, two tiny barbs of metal latching into his skin._

_“No,” he tried, but the word was nothing more than a groan._

_They turned the device on and there was a brief hum of electricity passing the air before it reached his flesh._

_He screamed and it felt as if his throat was torn to ribbons while the electricity boiled his blood._

Loki nodded to answer the man’s question. That was what HYDRA had done to him. It was pathetic how meek he had become.

Damn! And now he was trembling again.

Silence hung thick in the air and the tension was almost tangible. Loki could feel the questions simmering in the man’s energy pattern, but he could also feel him battling that curiosity, probably not wanting to rake up painful memories.

“I brought new food,” the other suddenly said, struggling to keep the lightness in his tone.

Loki didn’t respond and just kept fumbling with his hands. Was the man really that afraid to hurt him? After all that had been done to him? He had had a lot worse and the sentiment made him nauseous.

“I’ve brought bread and a variety of toppings. We can see what you like,” the man offered on that same, careful tone.

Loki pressed his lips together and sighed tiredly through his nose. “Again, I’m not some fragile creature. Stop this facade of treating me like a wounded animal.”

There was silence for a moment followed by a resolute, “right!” from the other’s side. When he spoke again it was with a normal tone and it made Loki feel a lot better. “What would you like to try first? Cheese, jam?”

Loki shrugged.

The man rummaged with the items he had brought and pushed a slice of bread with a topping in Loki’s hands. “It’s cheese,” he declared.

Loki took a small bite and immediately he got overwhelmed by the strong taste. He made a face and lowered the sandwich.

“We’ll just have to try,” the man said a little too encouraging.

The man kept making him sandwiches, giving it to him to taste, but though he often liked the taste, it was still too strong for his taste buds to handle.

“Last one,” the man sighed and pushed another slice of bread in his hands. He was obviously on the verge of giving up, and truth to be told, so was Loki.

This just felt as another round of experimentations, but less… cruel? It was strange; like he had never eaten anything from this realm before or like they didn’t have similar things on Asgard. He was over a thousand years old for Norns sake. He had traveled realms and had eaten food far richer and more rare than anything that grew on Midgard and yet here he was being fed like a small child.

Reluctantly Loki took a bite of the new sandwich. Immediately he got overwhelmed by the immense sweetness, but the topping was unlike anything he had ever had. Maybe he had to amend his previous statement. After the initial shock he found that he liked it and carefully took another bite.

“You like that?,” the man asked, the mirth obvious in his voice. “It’s chocolate-paste.”

Loki took another small bite and then handed the sandwich back to the man. He wasn’t hungry anymore. For such a long time he had eaten so little and his body hadn’t completely adjusted to the copious amounts of food yet.

He scanned the nearby area for a glass of water and when he reached to grab it, it was already being pushed in his hands. “Thank you,” he whispered before taking a sip.

“Can you, uh- Care to tell me who you are?” the man asked carefully.

Ah! There it was. There was always a catch.

“I am your captive,” Loki answered with that same, cold, sad and monotone voice. “And until you can contain me or exploit me in whatever way you see fit I am just another oddity to be experimented on. A tool for your righteous means and-”

“No, I meant not that!” the man interrupted him harsh, making Loki flinch. “Is this what HYDRA told you what you are? We uh- we know of some things they did to you. We read the files and saw some footage…” He trailed and fell silent.

Why did the other sound so reluctant? As if he felt remorse for something he hadn’t done?

_Yet!_

Nothing had changed, right?

“I meant, who were you before this?” he asked.

Loki swallowed. “Does it matter?”

As soon as the words had left his lips he blanched. Asking questions often didn’t bode well and only got met by punishment. Yet, the pain didn’t come.

Emboldened by the lack of punishment he pushed on, trying his luck. “Why do you want to know?”

“Because I know that an incident that splits your life in half is not what defines who you are even though you get the feeling that you have changed and can’t go back.”

Loki tilted his head, his blind eyes landing on the man as if he was looking at him. He might as well have been because he was quickly scanning the man’s energy pattern. He got the feeling that this man knew exactly what he was talking about.

It made him shudder.

_“You will bring the new era of mankind. You will be the one who they’ll fear,” the man declared proudly. “You’ll be our strongest asset and you’ll carry out our will and vision. Together we will bring the world to their knees, lying at our feet.”_

_He struggled in his bonds. Empty promises and lies. It would only bring him pain and nothing more. He didn’t want to destroy the world, he didn’t even want to rule it. He had never wanted to rule anything!_

_“For that, we have to reshape you,” the man said, his voice rising in a cruel manner. “But fear not, like a phoenix you will rise from the ashes, stronger than before.”_

_He tried to move his head but he couldn’t, straps and padding holding his head in place. Something was making an awful sound and he could feel it approaching his face. Another wicked machine._

_“I will not be put on your leash!” he spat past the mouthguard pressed behind his cracked lips, saliva spraying from his mouth._

_“We’ll see about that when this is over,” the man said ominous._

_The machine close to his face made a humming sound. Suddenly, a white light flashed behind his blind eyes. He didn’t know how it was possible, but yet it had happened as the overwhelming pain penetrated every part of his skull. The agony felt like wicked claws grabbing his mind and turning him inside out._

_He hadn’t screamed this loud ever before._

A warm hand landed on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. Calm down, you’re safe.”

Without knowing he had started trembling violently, he was no longer holding the glass and he could feel liquid trailing on the inside of his hand.

It’s okay? How cruel was this man? Everything was not ‘okay’! His life had been shattered to pieces before he had fallen of the bridge, and afterwards it hadn’t been any better.

He had been a Prince of Asgard and that had been stripped away from him the moment Odin had told him the truth. He had tried to make amends for the horrible creature he was, tried to wipe out that race of monsters only to be met by rejection.

And after that… After that he hadn’t been anybody anymore. The once so proud Prince now walked with his head hanging low, stripped of his identity save for the monster that crawled underneath his skin.

He was nothing.

He was nobody.

Just another broken soul.

Just another monster.

There was no getting back from that. There was onl-

The piercing pain in his hand drew him from his thoughts, something sharp digging into his skin. He opened his hand and for a moment the world came to a halt as he realized what had happened to the glass of water.

He was still trembling so violently it made his teeth rattle and tears he hadn’t noticed were slipping from his eyes.

The man was still hovering next to him in awkward silence.

“Leave.” Loki demanded, a shimmer of his former self shining through.

“But your hand-”

His head whipped in the direction of the man to fix him with a cold, milky-white eyed glare. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. “I said, leave!”

The man sighed in defeat. “Let me know when you need anything. I’ll ask Bruce to fix your hand.”

Before Loki had found a suitable item on the tray to hurl at the other, the man had already left.

* * *

“We should move him out of the infirmary. I don't think being surrounded by the smell of chemicals and the sounds of beeping machines is doing him any good,” Bruce said as he watched the feed of the infirmary where Loki was picking the shards of glass out of his hands with a scowl.

“I agree. We can't keep him there until we contact Thor. It might take weeks, if not months,” said Steve.

“Then where are we gonna to leave him? He can't take care of himself, letting him leave the tower is a bad idea,” Clint said as he was tinkering with an arrow. “Can't we contact S.H.I.E.L.D.?”

“No. We've been over this. No S.H.I.E.L.D.!” Steve said resolutely.

All heads turned to Tony who was standing with his arms crossed leaning against a table. The pressure of so many people expecting something from him made him yield and his arms limply fell to his sides with a sigh. “Fine. I'll arrange a room for him.”

“Better give him an apartment in the tower. I think it will resemble more to what he probably had on Asgard. Might speed up his healing,” Bruce said.

“Yeah, sure!” Tony countered with fake delight. “And I'll arrange for some servants to see to his royal ass too.”

“I think _we_ already are his servants,” Clint deadpanned, but nobody laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thrive on comments <3  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than the previous ones, but I promise I’ll make that up in chapter four!

On a regular schedule his captors had brought him food and, if Loki had done the math correctly given the amount of meals they had brought him, two and a half day had passed.

He scarcely ate, the food still tasted too rich and was too much to stomach, but he was getting there. He was especially fond of the chocolate paste and one day his new captors had even brought him a jar of the stuff and a spoon. He had been nauseous after he had devoured the entire content of the jar, but he didn’t care.

Whenever he slept, he slept on the floor under his bed, wrapped up in the blankets. The bed was still too soft for his liking.

He began to feel a little bit better. His Seidr hadn’t returned to him in the slightest, every bit of energy his body mustered was pushed into healing automatically (to his utter dismay), but there was nothing he could do about it. At least it felt good to be rid of those deep aches in his body and only suffer minor discomforts.

Eventually one of them - Loki had already forgotten the name of the person - had brought him to a different cell.

The room, or better said rooms, felt odd and the place was big compared to the cell he was so used to. It took him quite some time to adjust to the enormous space, but it also evoked memories of his chambers in Asgard and that felt good.

The first hours he had stayed in the corner underneath his bed. The scratch marks on the floor he could feel indicated that the bed had been moved before his arrival. How considerate of them…

Now Loki had abandoned the safety of his spot underneath the bed and was exploring his new cell.

The biggest room had a low table and a couch, and a corner with a larger table with chairs. There was also an area that was quite unfamiliar, but he had quickly concluded its purpose was for cooking.

Of course there was a bathroom with a warm shower - one of the few things he had feverishly made use of, the water no longer burning his eyes now the acid had worn off.

The warm water never bored him. He had been cold for so long that he wanted to make up for it. Not that he truly was bothered by the cold, he never had been. It was only logical due to his heritage, but being raised as a Prince with all the luxury Asgard had had to offer and then suddenly living a life where it had been snatched away from him had made him more aware of it.

Carefully Loki made his way through the living-room, sitting down on the couch and feeling around on the table. His hand hit something and it moved an inch. Carefully he wrapped his fingers around the item to explore it.

It was long and rectangular with weird feeling - rubber? - nubs on it. He counted approximately forty of the nubs and he could press them, quickly concluding they were buttons. Still, he had no idea what it was or what its purpose was.

“What is this?” he muttered to himself, feeling the object.

“It is a remote, sir,” someone answered him.

Loki startled and the item flew through the room, throwing it away as if it had bitten him. Where did that voice come from?

Loki’s head skittishly whipped left and right, trying to find the source of the voice, but he couldn’t find an energy pattern that would match a living being. Had he imagined it? Was he already hearing things that weren’t there? He had managed to keep sane while HYDRA had experimented on him, and  _ now  _ he was going insane? That couldn’t be.

“Who is there?” he asked wary, his body readying himself for an attack.

“Nobody, sir. Unless you mean me.”

“Yes, I mean you,” Loki snarled and unfolded himself from the couch to find a safe corner in the room where he could press himself in.

“My name is J.A.R.V.I.S.,” came the reply. “I am-”

“Where are you? I cannot see you,” Loki interrupted the strange voice. He was trembling, his mouth dry and his heart pounding in his chest. Where was this weird creature that didn’t sound human? Was it too cowardly to show himself?

“Obviously you cannot see me,” the J.A.R.V.I.S.-thing countered dryly.

Loki growled, his head still moving as he kept scanning the room. “I cannot read your energy. Where are you?”

“Ah! I don’t have an energy pattern you can read because I am a computer program and do not exist physically.”

What? They have someone he can’t read?

Loki’s breathing went erratic and he was sure his heart was trying to find a way out through his throat. Quickly he scurried from the big room to the bedroom, hiding himself under his bed.

This place wasn’t safe. If his new captors had found someone he couldn’t read and sent after him… What was this thing going to do? Was this a new method of experiments? Trying to get him to talk?

_ “You can’t keep silent forever.” _

_ He shuddered, pressing his chapped lips firmly on each other. They wouldn’t get a single word out of him, no matter how much they hurt him! _

_ “Being silent is the same as not knowing, Loki. You know that,” the man said. _

_ He snorted through his nose, a gesture of derisiveness and a mean to brace himself, keeping his breathing shallow. He heard the sound of the switch getting flicked before the electricity coursed through his veins, burning him on the inside. His teeth clamped down on each other, his jaw locking. _

_ After a couple of agonizing seconds - though it felt like hours - the switch got flicked off. _

_ He was panting, his body occasionally spasming in aftershocks, the metal bindings around his limbs biting painfully into his burned flesh. _

_ “Tell us how you can still see,” the man demanded. _

_ He shook his head. _

_ The switch got flicked back on. _

A whimper escaped his throat and Loki curled himself up in a ball, his arms covering his head as hot tears already spilled from his eyes. He wanted to scream in frustration, but the fear of drawing attention was bigger and thus he remained silent with the exception of the occasional shuddering breath.

* * *

“Sir, Mr. Loki is having a panic attack,” J.A.R.V.I.S. said, interrupting Tony from his tinkering.

“What?” Tony dropped the item he was working on on the table. He was no stranger to panic attacks himself, and this was the umpteenth time this week Loki had a panic attack. It wasn’t strange, given the circumstances, but Tony could no longer stand it to make Loki suffer them alone.

“It might be my fault,” J.A.R.V.I.S. admitted.

With a sigh Tony got up and made for the door. “What have you done?”

“I talked to him because he asked a question. Then he got scared and said he couldn’t read my energy pattern.”

“Who’s still in the house?” Tony was already making his way to the elevator, keeping the conversation going.

“Mr. Barton, sir.”

Tony groaned. “Tell him to meet me outside Loki’s door. And what do you mean with energy pattern?”

“I believe that is how mr. Loki can see. Others would call it an aura, the energy that lives in everything, even inanimate objects.”

“Sounds like a lot of mambo-jambo to me,” Tony muttered as the elevator began to move.

* * *

He heard the door to his bedroom open and two sets of footsteps approached him.

When the persons had drawn near he could identify their energy patterns; the one he had bitten and the one who had helped him the first time in the shower.

He couldn’t remember their names.

“Loki?” the man he had bitten asked. “J.A.R.V.I.S. told me what happened, are you okay?”

Loki scowled, a low growl escaping his lips as his fingers curled into claws, ready to lash out. The men didn’t approach, didn’t invade his space and just remained near the edge of the bed. Loki pressed himself harder against the wall, curling in on himself more as if it even was possible.

“Hey, breathe,” the man commanded. “You’re fine, nobody’s gonna hurt you.”

Loki tried to calm his breathing, taking in gulps of air as he forced himself to stretch out a little bit to grant the much needed air easier access to his lungs.

“That’s good,” the man hummed.

Silence hung thick in the air as Loki calmed his hammering heart. He could feel the aura’s of the two persons, both of them still lying prostrate on the floor to peer at him under the bed.

“Care to come out of hiding?” the other one asked and sighed when Loki shook his head. “It’s easier to have a conversation with you when we’re all sitting on a chair instead of lying on the floor.”

“Clint, not helping,” the other man scolded.

“Clint!” Loki suddenly said now he was fed the name again, and by the reaction in their energy patterns he had startled them. He cringed.

“You forgot my name?” Clint asked incredulous and slightly offended.

Loki contemplated his answer. They wanted to have a conversation with him, something he was good at, he remembered, but what had been beaten out of him at the hands of HYDRA. Thus far they hadn’t hurt him and had met him with kindness, giving him a place to sleep, leaving him alone when he had asked for it and had given him food. He might as well give it a try, see how far he could go. If they didn’t like it they sure would make it known.

_ “Now he’s finally talking he won’t shut up.” The words from the man curled around his ears and scarcely took root in his mind. _

_ “It isn’t even in a language known to mankind,” another person said. _

_ “LOKI, SILENCE!” the man barked. _

_ He was talking; a string of words in an old language indeed not known to humans. Most of what he said were curses, the rest just lose words of his rapidly firing thoughts, voicing everything that came to mind. _

_ They wanted him to talk… _

_ “According to Norse mythology they sewed your lips shut to silence you,” the man said. “My guess is that they have done that more times than you can count on two hands. Adding another occasion shouldn’t bother you.” _

_ He didn’t care. He barely heard the man over the sound of his own words. _

_ “But we like to get creative. Give a twist to the old legends, so to say.” _

_ He didn’t fell silent nor did he acknowledge the men. Let them have their fun, he had retreated into his mind anyway. _

_ “We could pour the acid in his mouth. See how eager he is to talk then.” _

_ The threat didn’t take root. _

_ “Hold his head still and his mouth open. I’m done with his jabbering for the next week.” _

_ The flare of agonizing pain that coated his chin, lips and the inside of his mouth was enough to violently draw him back to reality. Slowly the liquid was making its way to the back of his throat, depriving him from the ability to breathe. He swallowed the pool of foul fluid that had formed in the back of his throat. _

_ The burning sensation finding its way down through his body robbed him from every possibility to scream in agony. _

Loki shuddered at the memory, swallowing a couple of times just to make sure he got rid of the phantom-feeling of his burning throat.

“So many people, day in and day out. They switched regularly. Most of them did not bother to give me their name,” Loki elaborated with a monotone voice. “Eventually I did not bother to remember them either whenever they did.”

“You forgot my name too?” the not-Clint asked.

Loki nodded with a tremble.

“I’m Tony. You’re currently lying on the floor of my house. I’m an inventor and you’ve already spoken with J.A.R.V.I.S., the artificial intelligence I designed,” he said proudly. “Among other things,” Tony added quickly.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re all very proud of you,” Clint said exasperated. “I don’t think that’s what he wants to hear.”

“Then what does he want to know?” Tony bit back.

Loki’s brows furrowed as he milled over the question. What did he want to know? There were a lot of things he wanted to know! What were they going to do with him? Why had they brought him here? Why had they promised him Thor or mentioned his name? What had his previous captivators done to him or wanted with him? (He really still missed a great deal of information on that part!) What  _ exactly _ was the bodiless voice? What was chocolate? Could he have more?

So many questions, he didn’t know which one to pick and their subjects all varied by the second.

“How long-” Loki swallowed. “How long have I been-” He couldn’t voice the question, refused to believe that his captivity was at end, and a big part of him still refused to acknowledge that it had happened at all. Luckily for him the men understood the question and Tony answered him.

“Five years, give or take a few months. Hydra found you in 2011, it’s currently 2016.”

Loki milled over the revelation. It hadn’t felt as five years. It had felt like fifty.

He sorted through the questions floating around in his mind, trying to pick another one and constantly getting back to the same subject. He had long ago let go of his hatred for his brother - who was not his brother - and it had been the only means of persuasion his new captors had been able to use on him to come with them. They had told him they knew the Thunderer.

“Thor?” he croaked.

There was a rustling sound and silence, followed by a stomping sound and an ‘oof’. “He can’t see that,” Clint said.

“We still haven’t been able to contact Thor,” Tony answered. Why did he sound sad about that? “The last time he was on earth was also 2011. He didn’t exactly leave a phone number.”

“Heimdall,” Loki said softly. “Have you asked Heimdall?” He was met by silence, the two men undoubtedly exchanging glances. “He has not answered me either,” he added barely audible.

_ “Heimdall?” he whispered, his voice just as broken as his body. _

_ He was sitting in the corner of his cell, legs drawn up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his knees, shivering violently. _

_ He didn’t know how long the scientists had prodded and pried at him, but it had been long,  _ too long _ , and now all he wanted to go was… home? _

_ Asgard was not his home, not anymore. _

_ “Heimdall, I know you can hear me.” He took a shuddering breath. “Heimdall, please, the Bifrost should be repaired by now. Please, just…” _

_ Just what? Bring him back to Asgard? The irony… _

_ “If Odin doesn’t want me back, then please just get me out of here and place me somewhere else. Please, Heimdall. Anywhere but here.” Another shuddering breath. “Jotunheim, Muspelheim, anywhere else on this realm, I don’t care. Heimdall, please. Just get me out. Please…” _

_ He held his breath, waiting for something to happen, to get any sign from the Gatekeeper, but all was silent save for his laboring breaths. _

_ “Heimdall, please,” he whispered as tears already stung his eyes. He tried to bite them back. They burned. _

_ The great once-Prince of Asgard, now fallen so low and begging for someone to take him away - to save him. It was pathetic, it should feel pathetic, yet all he felt was pain and a longing he couldn’t place. _

_ He whimpered, the name of the gatekeeper barely making it off his lips. Then the door to his cell opened unexpectedly and hands grabbed him roughly, pulling him to his feet. _

_ No! Not again. It was too soon! He needed to recover, they couldn’t put him through another ordeal of experiments! _

_ “HEIMDALL!” _

_ Silence… _

“What is Heimdall?” Clint asked.

Loki took a shuddering breath before he spoke. “He is Asgard’s gatekeeper, watcher of the nine realms. He sees all that happens on the nine, yet he hasn’t been able to see me.” Loki balled his fists and he was trembling again, though this time it was due to anger. “The Bifrost should be repaired, it has been five years. Still, why should Heimdall care? Or the  _ All-father _ ?” Loki spat Odin’s title with utter disdain.

“Okay, okay,” Tony said in a placating manner. “No need to get worked up. We’ll figure a way to contact them.”

Loki didn’t ease, his anger threatening to take hold of him even though he tried to fight it. Losing himself in his anger would mean another beating and he sorely wanted to avoid that.

“Hey, Loki. I’ve got an idea,” Tony offered, trying to draw his attention away from his dark thoughts. “If you come out from under that bed I can let you meet J.A.R.V.I.S..”

“How’re you-” Clint began, but a thudding sound followed by an ‘oof’ silenced him mid-question.

Loki’s milky-white eyes settled on Tony and he read the man’s aura. His offer was genuine and he was also confident about what he had just offered. Loki contemplated the matter.

Though it scared him to leave his safe-spot where they couldn’t reach him, he had to admit to himself he couldn’t stay there forever. If he wanted to be the proud God again he once was, he had to conquer his fears. 

If they decided to hurt him he would just fight back. They were still nothing more than humans, he could and should easily win.

And if not… Well, what more could they do to him?

It never bode well to challenge fate like that, but he had been put through so much already he really thought there wasn’t anything more fate could have in store for him. Except maybe for the sweet salvation of death.

Loki gave a small nod. “Alright.”

* * *

“We'll wait outside,” Tony said and together with Clint he left Loki's Chambers.

“How the hell are you gonna show him J.A.R.V.I.S.?” Clint asked peeved the moment the door fell shut behind them.

Tony whirled on him, fixing him with a glare. “Do you truly think I didn’t invent a way to show him in his rudimentary form?”

Clint was silent and then relented with a nod.

“You think he’s gonna come out from underneath the bed?” Tony asked while eyeing the door.

“I dunno, man. He’s like a wild animal.”

They waited in silence and just when they were about to give up, thinking Loki wouldn’t show, the door opened to a crack.

* * *

The men led him through the hallway - never touching him to Loki’s relief and just walking in front of him - into the metal box he quite hated. It was small, which he liked because it felt a little safer, but the fact that the other two were there with him made him feel trapped.

If his captors wanted they could lash out any moment and he wouldn’t have a lot of space to fight. Still, nothing happened and with a soft ‘ding’ the metal box came to a stop and they walked out.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., change Loki’s clearance level until we’re done in the lab,” Tony said and the mention of the A.I.’s name made Loki cringe. “Here we are,” Tony declared proudly. “This is my lab. Feel free to look around, but don’t touch anything! I’ll set up J.A.R.V.I.S. for you.”

“He can’t see,” the other man, Clint, muttered dryly.

“Just a figure of speech.”

At least the two men shared banter as if he wasn’t their prisoner, but HYDRA had talked about him too as if he hadn’t been in the room, so no difference there.

Loki took a couple of steps, careful that he wouldn’t bump into anything, and focused his energy reading to scan the room.

There was an awful lot of metal of various kinds, but it didn’t read ‘special’ to Loki. Maybe if he could actually  _ see _ it would be interesting, but to him it felt like a room filled with junk metal twisted in strange shapes.

“Okay, come here,” Tony said and grabbed Loki’s wrist. Immediately Loki pulled back with a hiss, baring his teeth and clenching the raised hand he just had freed into a fist. “Whoa, calm down. I was just going to guide you to the right spot. A lot of the equipment is sensitive and I don’t want you to destroy the lab.”

“Yeah, he’s already done that himself twice this month,” Clint snickered behind him.

Loki didn’t laugh as he utterly failed to see the humor in that. It did give him a new perspective however. How useless would his new captors be if he destroyed this place? Would it sower discord among their ranks? Was it the heart of everything?

Carefully he filed the thoughts away for later. He was first going to meet that energyless voice. Maybe that was the heart of everything in this place and if he wanted to pick that apart, he needed to know where to look for.

“I’m going to grab your wrist again to steer you in the right direction, okay?” Tony asked.

Loki bit his lip. He didn’t want to be touched. He already abhorred touch before he found out his true heritage, even more so thereafter, and after HYDRA he wasn’t sure if he could stand touch ever again. Yet, he slowly nodded and extended his left arm - a conscious choice because he favored his right arm to be free if he needed to fight them off with one hand.

Warm fingers wrapped around his arm and he was carefully guided through the room, the vague feeling of heaps of twisted metal passing him left and right.

Tony let go of his wrist after he had placed him somewhere and immediately Loki rubbed his wrist after which his hands found each other to fidget.

He was trembling again.

Damn! If he only could stop shivering like a little child after every little form of interaction it would be nice. He hated that his body unwillingly showed weakness.

_ Stop trembling! _

_ He had to stop trembling! He couldn’t show them he was weakening because of what they did to him. Yet, that was the bitter reality. _

_ He had to stop trembling if only it was to reduce the pain. _

_ Carefully he tried to move, but the fresh wave of pain rampaging through his body kept him low. This really wasn’t a comfortable position, the pressure his entire body put on his marred front as he laid face-first and prostrate on the hard floor was too painful. _

_ Wicked humans! Cutting him open to see the inner workings of his body, prodding and prying before crudely sewing him back together and dumping him in his cell. _

_ He swallowed as he remembered what one of the scientists had said: “tomorrow we’ll open him up again and see how his intestines respond to direct ministrations of different types of tests.” _

_ Tests… torture they meant. _

_ With a great amount of effort he put a hand underneath him, panting heavily from the effort. He contemplated to roll himself over carefully, but that would make the pain last longer. Quickly getting it over with was a better option. _

_ He pushed himself of the floor, rolling onto his back and a scream escaped from his throat. He felt his head spin, and he was sure that if he still had been able to see black splotches would be dancing in his vision. He was glad that wasn’t the case, he hated those splotches that threatened with unconsciousness. _

_ Still his head kept spinning, his chest and stomach burning with a sharp pain. It would only take a couple of hours before the most pain was gone. _

_ Only a… couple of… hours… _

_ Why was… his mind slurring? _

_ Why… was… wa- _

_ W- _

“Hey! Loki! Hey man, you’re fine. Calm down!” Clint’s insisting voice drew him away from the memory and his head snapped in the man’s direction the moment he put a hand on his shoulder. Just as quickly the hand fell away.

“What happened?” Tony asked concerned.

It confused Loki. Why would the man be concerned for his well-being? “It doesn’t matter,” Loki said exasperated.

There was a moment of silence and he could feel both men scrutinizing him. It made him uncomfortable, yet he held his ground, not showing it. Sadly, he was still trembling.

“Okay…” Tony trailed wary. “Good to continue?”

“Stop treating me a like a wounded animal!” Loki snapped.

The man huffed in irritation and Loki cringed, making a small sound in the back of his throat. He would get punished for that outburst.

“Fine,” Tony said definite. “I’ve placed you in front of a raised platform. J.A.R.V.I.S. is on there. If you stretch out your arms you should be able to find him.”

Loki took a shuddering breath and forced his muscles to relax. There weren’t going to harm him. Not yet anyway.

Carefully he raised his arm, trying to find what the man had told him was before him, but he couldn’t feel anything. He slowly moved his hand, trying to feel the artificial intelligence, but he only felt the air passing through his fingers. He must be looking like a desperate and pathetic idiot.

Loki growled frustrated.

It had all been a trick. There wasn’t a J.A.R.V.I.S. and they were probably laughing now at his futile attempts. This was worse than HYDRA. At least HYDRA had been straight forward in their dealings and torments instead of just making fun of him. Mostly.

It also reminded him too much of the Warriors of Three, Sif and Thor making fun of him whenever they could. ‘Not good enough’, ‘not strong enough’, ‘not manly enough’ and ‘not a pleasure to be around’.  _ Loki and his tricks _ …

Loki’s hand fell back to his side and curled into a fist. “It’s not there,” he hissed between gritted teeth.

“Yes, it is,” Tony and Clint piped at the same time.

“You just need to, I don’t know, focus? J.A.R.V.I.S. is right in front of you,” Tony tried, sounding a little offended. He sighed. “You feel the platform with your feet? Give it a little kick.”

Oh, how Loki longed to kick something, but he was quite sure that if there was a platform it would be unmoving and he would only hurt himself.

With a frustrated growl he stuck out his foot and he indeed hit a raised part of floor.

“Good, now stick your hand out again and just focus or something.”

Tony sounded frustrated and Loki had no clue why. It did, however, made him want to flinch. If he couldn’t do what he had been told they would torture him until they were absolutely sure he wasn’t able to, or until he could.

_ “Well, since you preach to be a God, show us.” _

_ His blind eyes widened in incredulity. He could not do it, not with his Seidr so low, not with his mind tethering at the seams. _

_ “The ball is right in front of you, move it with your mind,” the woman commanded. “For a ‘great God’ such as yourself that shouldn’t be a challenge.” _

_ “I cannot,” he grated. _

_ “We’ve seen you lay low half a dozen soldiers without a sweat on your brow. We’ve seen you open doors without out a tool. We’ve seen you heal faster than any human.  _ You _ preach to be a God, now prove it or we will find something that will motivate you to do it!” _

_ Motivate… He sighed and closed his eyes. He knew that type of motivation and it was only going to aid to his misery. He wouldn’t be able to move the object. Still, he wanted to try, he  _ should _ try, if only it was to avoid the ‘motivation’. _

_ He reached for his Seidr, but the pool of his magic was so shallow it would barely have been able to heal a minor wound, not move an object. They wanted him to manipulate the object so it would float - something he never had been able to do - but a telekinetic blast would do. They wouldn’t be able to tell the difference anyway. _

_ Yet, he couldn’t. Too much effort, too little strength. _

_ His teeth clamped together as the first wave of ‘motivation’ ran through his body. When the electricity stopped he was panting heavy, his head spinning. “I cannot,” he croaked. _

_ “Well, we just keep going until you can.” _

_ He couldn’t… _

Loki stuck out a trembling hand (Norns why was he trembling again? Or was it still?), but there wasn’t anything there.

He closed his eyes so he could focus. It was just a habit he had used when he was still learning to master his Seidr and when he needed to concentrate to block out the world. He reached out with the meager amount of Seidr he had, careful not to overuse it because he couldn’t afford it to drain himself.

Still nothing.

The fingers on his outstretched hand pulled into claws in frustration and he lowered his head, his magic dying at his fingertips.

“Still nothing, huh?” Tony asked.

Loki shook his head.

“Sir, if I may?” J.A.R.V.I.S. suddenly said. “I think I can help.”

Loki's blind eyes flew open and then immediately narrowed in suspicion, his head whipping in the direction the voice had came from.

“Mr. Loki,” the energyless voice addressed him, “you are searching for me with things you already know. If I am correct you search for energy patterns similar to living and inanimate objects and even the elements, but since I am data I lack that specific brand of energy. You have to let go of what you know and search for the energy that  _ isn’t _ there. A manner of looking backward instead of forward.”

Loki’s brows furrowed. The voice… he might be right! If he could discern the types of energy that  _ were  _ there, which he  _ knew _ , and ruled them out, a sort of ‘emptiness’ should remain.

However, this was the last time he was going to try. He was tired and if they would punish him because he couldn’t do what they asked of him, well, so it would be. At least his captors would put him back in his cell after their beating and leave him alone for a couple of hours.

Loki took a determined breath and focused on the room. He could feel the energy patterns of the humans and their intentions. He could feel the metal in the room, their various types and mangled shapes. He could feel the raw element that was the air around him. Carefully he filed them in a place in the back of his mind where it wouldn’t bother him.

He could feel everything around him, every living and inanimate object, things that were there that humans didn’t knew that existed, and one by one he put them aside until there was nothing left but emptiness.

He focused on that emptiness, searching and probing, looking at it from different angles until he suddenly felt a spark.

The revelation shocked him, even frightened him a little as it felt akin to electricity, but it wasn’t that. Warily he moved on until he began to feel, and ultimately see, more of the thing that the humans called a J.A.R.V.I.S.. Then, everything took a leap and he felt as if he got dragged into the strong current of a river.

The thing was everywhere around him, seeping in the walls, floor, ceiling, on different items on the human Tony, and when he expanded his search perimeter he found that the J.A.R.V.I.S. was everywhere in the building.

It was too much.

There was too much…

He couldn't breathe.

With a yelp Loki drew back and took a shivering breath. The thing was everywhere around him and it could watch his every move,  _ knew  _ his every move and could  _ influence _ his every move!

The air around him felt too hard to breathe, too tight around his chest, and his mind was spinning. He needed to get out!

He needed to get out,  _ now! _

The creature was everywhere and his new captors would use it to tear him apart in every possible way.

_ A hand landed on his shoulder and he reacted purely on instinct, twisting the limb and putting all his strength behind it to throw the body that was attached to the limb through the room. Then he ran. _

_ It didn’t matter where, as long as he could get out! _

_ Something sharp bit him in the leg and he went down in a heap. Quickly he pushed himself to his feet, trying to get away from whatever he had crashed into. He stumbled and hit the floor again. _

_ Soon they would come with their crude sticks that would shock him with electricity. If only he could get away. _

_ Then what? _

_ He couldn’t get away! What if he found an exit? Where would he go?  _ Where would he go!

_ Crawling on all fours he tried to make for a corner,  _ anything, anywhere! _ It didn’t matter as long as he could crawl away. _

_ He could make it out, as long as they didn’t catch him, as long as the crude sticks didn’t touch his body. _

_ More metal crashed to the floor by his hands and glass shattered behind him. _

_ As long as he didn’t have to be out in the open, as long as he got that false sense of safety, as long as he could get to a safe corner he would be fine. He could fight them off in a corner until the last one. _

_ He would fight them; fight their machines and fi- _

Suddenly something of iron latched itself around his wrist and began to expand rapidly, snapping Loki back from his reeling mind. The trembling fingers of his other hand curled around the metal, trying to break it off, but the iron spread to his other fingers as well and started to envelop him.

More pieces of metal clung themselves to his body and with rapid succession it engulfed over his entire being, trapping him within.

Whatever his captors had done to him, it incapacitated him completely. He could sense the bodiless creature all around him, covering him from head to toe, taunting him and fueling his anger and sense of helplessness.

Loki screamed and tried to trash in this new confinement, but he couldn’t move. These new captors were cruel beings, and it only confirmed his suspicions. They didn’t want to help him. They didn’t try to contact Thor. He was just - again - a means to an end for humans who wanted to chase their own ideals and gain power.

Soon the questions would come, the prodding, prying and eventually the torture. It was just a vicious cycle that would never break. Their promises had been empty and now he was trapped.

It least HYDRA had given him a cell where he could curl up in a corner.

* * *

Clint looked at Tony with big eyes. “You’ve trapped him in your suit?” he asked with a mix of confusion and anger.

Tony returned the look with equal big eyes, breathing hard, but before he could answer the door burst open and Natasha, Steve and Bruce ran into the lab.

“What is going on?” Bruce inquired, taking in the lab that was mildly demolished. “Where is Loki?”

“He trapped him in a suit!” Clint said incredulous and threw his hands in the air.

“What?” Steve asked shocked.

“He was going to tear the place down and I panicked, okay?” Tony said. “I’m sorry.” He rubbed his hand over his face. “I’m sorry! Please, tell me you’ve got better news.”

“We’ve found him,” Natasha said calmly. “But we haven’t been able to take him down.”

“Nor will we take him down,” Steve said sadly.

Tony and Clint gave Steve a questioning look.

Steve sighed with a pained expression. “The Winter Soldier is Bucky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is not how I initially wanted to end this chapter, but it just happened.  
> Also, I'm playing a little bit with the timeline of events. It doesn't add up with canon, but this was already an AU.  
> I thrive on comments <3  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note, I have updated the warning tags. Shout-out to @xsimpletrashx for helping me with writing Tony for a bit. Big shout-out to my girl @lokikingofasgardlover713 who listens to all my ramblings/whines/peeves/happiness/cruel plans/basically everything about this fic. Without you I couldn’t have made it! Also shout-out to everyone leaving comments. You are giving me life <3

“Bucky? As in your lost friend?” Clint asked.

Steve nodded and his jaw clenched.

“Great,” Clint bit sarcastically. “Then soon we have to babysit two people who have been broken by HYDRA.”

Tony made a frustrated noise and made for the door.

“Where are you going?” Steve asked.

Tony rubbed a hand over his face. “Toilet!”

“Now?” Steve snarled.

Resolutely Tony spun on his heel to look Steve directly in the eye and almost shouted at him in frustration. “Between having a God trapped in one of my suits and the killing machine we’ve been hunting turning out to be your long lost buddy, peeing is the least of my problems which I can currently do something about!”

“You could release Loki from the suit,” Natasha offered.

“No, Nat. No, we cannot,” Clint lamented before Tony would burst again. “If we let him out now he will tear the place apart.”

“This really makes things very complicated,” Bruce sighed and took of his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose.

* * *

Still trapped in his confinement, Loki felt defeated. Defeated by meager humans who had lured him in with their kind words - which he had started to believe - before they had turned on him.

He had trashed and screamed in the body-tight thing they had trapped him in. He had cursed them and cried. He had felt anger and despair, but now there was nothing left but surrender and resignation. Something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

As far as his confinement allowed him - which was very little - he hung his head. He felt alone, abandoned and mostly ashamed. He shouldn’t have fallen for their tricks, their lies. How had  _ he _ , God of Lies, been so blind?

Oh, the irony of that statement…

He let out a shuddering sigh.

“Mr. Loki?” the bodiless voice inquired.

Loki’s first response was to be alert, ready to fight the creature, but the feeling was so fleeting it never took hold in his body. Immediately he went on to his second response, which was fright, through which he barreled as well. He couldn’t feel the self-preservation that would be stoked by alertness, nor could he feel the fear. Instead, he just felt weary and drained to the core.

He was done fighting. There was nothing left. Let them take him and do whatever they wanted - whatever that was.

“Yes,” he answered emotionless.

“Mr. Stark asked me to talk to you,” came the reply.

Talk to him? What was he supposed to do with that? Talk back? Everything he would tell would be used against him. The creature would hurt him and it probably wouldn’t matter if he would answer or not. He didn’t want to talk.

“Oh,” he replied uninterested.

“According to my search on the internet you can detect lies, is that correct?”

Did it matter? “Yes.”

“And you can read me, correct?”

Where was this going? “Yes.”

“I want you to know I can’t lie. I’m programmed to help and assist. You should be able to detect the truth in my words.”

Loki was silent and the bodiless creature continued.

“The Avengers, they want to help you, and so do I. We’re not here to keep you captured or to use you for a means to an end, we only want to help.”

Loki milled over the words that had been spoken to him and he indeed couldn’t detect a lie. Still, their actions had opposed what J.A.R.V.I.S. said right now and Loki felt truly torn.

He also felt threatened, forced to believe what they said, and even though he wished with all his being to be out of his confinement, he also wished to stay there. There was nothing for him out there, nobody, no matter how hard the humans tried. He was utterly and completely alone.

He had always been alone. Alone when he lived in Asgard, alone when HYDRA caught him and now he was alone as well.

It was too much. All what had happened was too much and he couldn’t fully comprehend. Thus Loki resorted to the one place where he knew where he could sort things out and where he was safer than any corner in the Realms could offer him.

_ Someone said something to him, but the words were lost to his ears. They couldn’t reach him, not here, nobody ever could and that was his greatest asset. He had retreated into his mind, blocking out the scientists, experiments and the world around him. In his mind he was safe. _

_ Again words drifted around him and again they didn’t take hold. They wanted something from him, but couldn’t they just let him be? He was busy! _

_ He looked at the designs and mathematics he had made inside his head, because inside his mind he could still see. He had almost figured it out. All he needed to do now was put in the last touches that would straighten out the kinks in the cable and he would be able to use his Seidr to levitate. _

_ Then he could file it away and start on his next project. _

_ He stared at the mathematics, redoing the calculations step by step until he found one such small twist that would ultimately lead to disaster. _

_ He brushed the numbers away and put other numbers in their place. _

_ Yes, this would work. He smiled satisfied. _

_ Just as he was about to file the project away in the back of his mind, it suddenly started to fade. He scrambled, tried to hold on to the project, grab it to keep it safe, but it faded from his grasp. _

_ What was happening? _

_ A sharp pain entered his mind and whatever meager bit of his project was left scattered in lose numbers to the far corners of his mind. _

_ No. _

_ No, no, no! _

_ He needed… he wanted…  _

_ Where… _

_ Another flare of sharp pain and he could feel his body protest in agony. _

_ They had found him! His mind wasn’t safe! He needed to get out. Now! If he didn’t get out they would surely destroy his mind. _

_ The next flare of pain made him violently crash back to the harsh reality that was his life. _

With a scream that caught in the back of his throat, Loki bolted upright, dislodging various wires that were attached to his being and making machines around him beep in outrage.

“He’s back,” someone said.

Immediately Loki went limp, crashing back to the softness of the bed whilst panting heavily. He tasted the copper tang of blood in his mouth, his body unwillingly convulsing through an occasional spasm and he was trembling.

“You shocked him!” someone exclaimed.

Well, that explained why he felt as if he had been hit by Thor’s lightning.

“Drastic situations ask for drastic measurements.”

“He was having an increased heart-rate, not a flatline!”

“Hey, at least it worked!”

“Get out!” Someone was very angry. “All of you, get out!”

There was a scuffling of feet and then the press of energy patterns dimmed, leaving just only one other person in the room. Still Loki felt as if he was suffocating.

“Loki?” a man addressed him. “Can you talk?”

He was still taking in deep gasps of air, swallowing the taste of blood away. His throat felt as dry as parchment, but that had never stopped him, and the dryness wasn’t half as bad as it had been for years. He could talk, but it didn’t mean he want to.

Still Loki nodded. If he didn’t answer the question from his captor, they would surely punish him for his silence. He didn’t want another shock and the question had been innocent and not invasive.

“Good,” the man said. “Want to tell me what happened?”

What happened? Why did he have to justify what happened? They had captured him and now they were torturing him, he didn’t owe them any explanation! He had been safely in his mind working through his designs and they had crudely taken him out. Or invaded his mind, he wasn’t sure yet which one.

The lack of reaction probably didn’t sit well with the man as he could feel the air around him charge with tension. “Loki, I really need you to talk to me.”

Loki simpered in the back of his throat, pressing away a scowl at the displeasure he felt, and shook his head violently. He didn’t do as the man had asked, denying him.

Sinking deeper into the softness of the bed, he put an arm in front of his face, trembling, waiting for the pain. Loki didn’t fear the pain, but he did, however, fear for his mind and feared for the bodiless creature.

The man sighed and Loki wasn’t sure if it was due to anger or due to resignation. “You’ve been zoned out for five days,” the man said, his aura shifting and showing he felt sorrow over that fact. Loki recognized him as the eye-prier. “We were worried.”

This time he did choose to speak to see if he could satisfy his curiosity. “Why?” Loki croaked, not understanding nor believing that someone would be worried about him or care for his well-being.

“Why?” the man parroted confused. “Because we took you out of that cell to get you better, not to let you slide to worse. You scared us.”

Loki took a deep, shuddering breath, lowering his arm from his face and expanded his energy, searching. The man indeed wasn’t lying, and even though he was angry, that anger wasn’t directed towards Loki. He was genuinely concerned and equally glad that Loki was back, and underneath all that lay a deep desire for Loki to believe him.

Loki didn’t know what to do with that. There had only been one person in the nine realms who had truly cared for him, and she wasn’t here. She was…

_ He was lying face-first on the floor of his cell. _

_ Again. _

_ As so often happened when they were done with their wicked experiments and ungracefully dumped him in the cramped room. _

_ How could he have fallen so far? Where had it gone wrong? What should he have changed? _

_ What would his mother think of him now? Would she be proud of him holding out for so long, or would she look at him with disdain that he couldn’t even defend himself against these mortals? That he couldn’t even get up? _

_ “Mother.” The word was barely a whisper, his broken throat not able to form the letters proviecent. He didn’t expect an answer. Heimdall hadn’t listened, why would she? The fallen son, the Frost Giant, the liar, th- _

_ “Loki, my child. My son,” a soft voice said. _

_ His head whipped up, the pain he felt nothing but a nauseance as it got overridden with a thousand other, more important feelings. _

_ “Mother…” he breathed, tears forming in his blind eyes, stinging them. He couldn’t see her, he couldn’t feel her, but he had unmistakably heard Frigga’s voice. “I am so sorry. So sorry for what I have done. For who I am. I never wanted this, any of it, but Thor and… and Odin-” He almost choked on the words, yet he was determined to push them past his lips. “Weak,” he muttered. “I am sorry I let you down. I shouldn’t… I didn’t-” a sob broke his words and scattered his thoughts. He didn’t know what to say to her, but at this moment he desperately longed to be in her arms. _

_ “Oh, my child. You should not apologize. I know you never wanted this, nor are you weak. My Lokasenna-” _

_ Whatever Frigga said next was lost behind the scream that escaped his lips. The endearment she had chosen broke him then and there, and hot tears spilled down his cheeks. _

_ “I am sorry. I am so sorry.” _

_ “My Lokasenna. I love you. Always.” _

Loki almost choked on the thought, a tear unbidden rolling over his cheek and he was trembling again. It felt as if an immense weight pressed on his chest, making him struggle to breath and he was positive he was dizzy.

“Hey, calm down. It’s okay, you’re safe.” A hand landed on his shoulder and Loki was torn between shaking the hand away and leaning into the touch, seeking comfort. Instead, he went rigid. The hand lingered there a couple of seconds longer before it fell away and the man continued. “And you get to kick Stark’s ass later for what he has done to you.”

Loki only nodded, staring off into the distance he couldn’t see. He wanted to zone out again, retreat into his mind, but he was afraid someone would violently pull him from it and thus he decided against it.

The eye-prier sighed. “I’ll get you a glass of water, run some final checks and unhook you from the machines. We’ve kept you nourished while you were out so you should be clear to go. I just want to make sure.”

Loki didn’t speak.

He didn’t care.

* * *

“You absolute idiot!” Steve shouted. Clint and Natasha both rose an eyebrow at the Captain, and Tony opened his mouth to undoubtedly shove the “language”-card into his face, but Steve cut him short. “First you trap him in a suit and then you use shock-pedals on him?  _ On the highest setting! _ How do you think he is going to take  _ that _ !”

Steve let out a frustrated growl. “No! Don’t answer that. I don’t want to hear your stupid comments right now. You’ve set all we’ve worked for in the first two days back two  _ years! _ How could you act so rash?”

“Steve…” Natasha tried.

“No, he’s right,” Tony said, putting his hands in the air in gesture of surrender. “I’m sorry, I truly am, but someone needed to do something. He first tried to destroy my lab and then he wasn’t coming back. I know he panicked and I should have thought it through, but I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

“Well, maybe you should tell him sorry and not us,” Natasha said, holding a hand up to Steve to keep him silent. “It’s not us who you’ve wronged.”

“Now?” Tony asked incredulous.

“I don’t think now would be a good time,” Bruce said who just entered the common room. “He is still in shock-” he put up a finger in the air to silence Tony before he could make a bad pun, “-he doesn’t want to speak and I’ve brought him back to his chambers. I think it would be better to leave him be for a couple of hours.”

“Besides,” J.A.R.V.I.S. piped in, “Mr. Loki has retreated under his bed and he currently sleeping. I’ll let you know when he wakes.”

* * *

After a couple of hours of sleep Loki woke due to his own trembling. He wasn’t feeling cold, nor was he any longer convulsing from the aftershocks and he didn’t have a nightmare either, but for some reason he was still trembling.

With a sigh he crawled out from under the bed and made his way to the shower. The warm water beating down on his skin soothed him a little and the fresh clothing which didn’t feel so itchy anymore did a lot to improve his mental state as well. Still he was feeling anxious and that certainly didn’t improve when he set foot into his living room where there was a sudden thick press of a lot of energy patterns.

Five! All five of them were there, hanging around and he wasn’t the only one feeling anxious.

Damn! Why was he trembling again? Hadn’t he just stopped trembling?

Loki wanted to retreat to his bedroom, scurry under his bed and not face his captors, but that was the coward solution. Instead he leaned against the wall next to his bedroom door, crossing his arms and focused on the aura’s. If they were going to make a move he would be able to sense it and counter their attacks quick enough, and if things were to go awry he was next to the door so he could flee.

“Loki,” a man sitting on one of the soft chairs said. “How are you feeling?”

“Is it of importance how your prisoner feels?” he retorted dryly, failing to keep the tremor out of his voice.

Someone sighed. “You are not a prisoner. We’ve already to-”

“So you did, yet your actions show otherwise,” Loki interrupted, fumbling with his trembling hands. He shouldn’t back-mouth, it would only invoke punishment, but briefly he felt an intense desire to snarl at them, to fight them. Just as quick as it had come, just as quickly it died again, fear taking hold of him.

“I know, and I’m sorry,” a man, suddenly very close to him, said.

Loki squeaked and his fingers curled into claws at his sides.

“I shouldn’t have locked you in my suit, but I panicked. You were trying to destroy the lab and when you were gone for five days… Well, I- uh. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have intervened with what Bruce was doing.”

Loki was silent, searching the man’s energy pattern, and his fingers uncurled at his sides.

_ Tony! _ The man who was speaking to him was Tony.

“You have to believe me, Lokes.”

Loki scrunched his nose at the chosen endearment - he didn’t like it. Yet, here was someone for the first time in decinia offering a form of apology. It didn’t make it right, but at least it was nice that someone else took the blame instead of trying to shove it in his boots.

He let out a tired sigh. “I know you are not lying,” he said and then barked a humorless laugh. “I am the God of Lies, I can tell when you are lying-” his hysterical laugh died away again, his voice resonating the intense sadness he felt, “-but there is a difference between  _ knowing _ it and  _ believing _ it.”

“Look, I’m sorry. I know what you’re going through, but you gotta let us help you.”

The human knew what he was going through? Was he insane?  _ That _ Loki didn’t believe. Nobody knew what he had been through nor would they ever.

Again he felt that urge to laugh like a maniac, but underneath it simmered an anger he wasn’t sure he could control. It delighted and frightened him at the same time and he was barely able to keep a lid on it when he spoke through clenched teeth. “You haven’t been tortured for the past five years. You don’t know what it’s like! You don’t know-”

“I’VE BEEN THERE!” Tony shouted. 

Immediately Loki posed himself ready for a fight and the room suddenly felt heavy with a tangible silence, nobody making a move and everyone seeming to hold their breath.

“I’ve been there and I know  _ damn _ very well what it’s like!” Tony spat.

Even though he felt the adrenaline pump through his veins, ready for a fight or whatever was to come, Loki cringed at the outburst.

Then, he all anger drained from Tony’s voice. “I’ve been there…” he trailed. “An organization kidnapped me, called themselves the Ten Rings. They threw me in some rotten cave for months with barely any food and water. They forced me to built them a weapon, made sure I’d cooperate through waterboarding.” Tony’s voice was rising with anger. “And that all the while I had nothing but a car-battery to keep pieces of shrapnel from tearing up my heart! So, yeah. I know where you’ve been-”

_ He landed hard on his stomach, the floor biting in his wounds and the wetness that clung to the air hit his lungs immediately. _

_ He couldn’t move, didn’t  _ want _ to move, and nothing but a faint groan left his lips. _

_ Suddenly hands were on him, removing his clothing and rolling him on his back. _

_ He knew what was coming, and for some part of him was happy that they would hose the grime and blood from him. He furiously hoped they would grace him with some new clothing as well. The ones he currently had were riddled with holes and bloodstains. Yet, his hopes for that weren’t very high. They rarely gave him a fresh attire. _

_ The onslaught of freezing water hit his naked flesh, his wounds protesting at the brutal pressure. _

_ Then they changed the angle and the water hit him square in the face, burning his eyes though the pain of the acid that flared to life was minor compared to anything else. He wanted pull his head away. It had been enough, but he couldn’t move. Every feeble attempt to do so sent another fresh wave of pain through his system. _

_ The water didn’t stop. _

_ If they would continue this he wouldn’t get enough air - which was already difficult enough to get enough of seeing his physical state. His lungs protested at the lack of oxygen. _

_ It didn’t stop. _

_ They were going to drown him! What a pathetic way to die. _

_ He tried to jerk his head away, but no matter how he tried, the water was still there. He couldn’t get any air at all and he felt his lungs were going to explode. He needed air. Now! _

_ Just when he thought he would lose consciousness, the water died away and he rolled to his side, his body screaming in agony with the motion. He coughed up the water that had formed in his mouth and had tried to make a way to his lungs and he gulped in the much needed air. _

_ Then that sweet salvation of oxygen was gone and his mouth filled with water again. _

“Yes! Exactly that!” Tony exclaimed when Loki was had found his way back to reality. “The panic attacks, the sleepless nights, the nightmares. I’ve been there, my friend.”

Now Loki was trembling so violently he was almost vibrating and he felt a deep sense of shame at that. His fingers clenched into fists at his side, willing himself to stop shivering like a frightened deer, but to no avail. If anything, it only made it worse and his breathing came in shallow gulps of air.

The man was still talking, still saying something, but the words were lost to him. Whatever the man was saying, and what he had said, it had been true. He hadn’t lied. He  _ knew _ what Loki had been through, albeit his case had been a little different, but in the end the result was the same.

The man wasn’t lying.  _ He wasn’t lying!  _ “No.”

“Loki?” someone said to draw his attention, his voice riddled with worry.

“No. You-” Loki took a gulp of air. “I- no. No!”

Suddenly the pressure in the room was too much. Too many people and too many of them focused on him. He remembered that he never had a problem with that before - even adored the attention - but now it was suddenly too much and he didn’t want to acknowledge why.

He was still muttering a string of incoherent words and no’s and unwillingly he took a step back and felt the doorknob of the door behind him bite in his back. He was afraid. Very,  _ very _ afraid and he didn’t know for what.

It didn’t make sense.

“No!” he shouted and with one swift motion he opened the door behind him and bolted from the room.

Loki hid himself under his bed and he wasn’t planning on coming out.

Ever!

* * *

“Loki?” Clint asked while he knocked on the door. “Loki? Care to come out? Dinner is ready and you haven’t eaten in two days.” Well, that wasn’t entirely true. It had been a week ago since Loki had gotten trapped in the suit and only had been fed through a tube in the infirmary, but the last of that had been two days ago.

Clint pushed the door to Loki’s rooms open and stepped inside. It was eerie silent in the room and Clint spotted the remote control on the small table lying in pieces.

Immediately his hand went to a gun strapped around his thigh. He briefly wondered if it was wise and what Loki would do when a gun was pointed at him, but Clint figured Loki wouldn’t even be able to  _ see  _ the gun and thus it didn’t matter.

He walked through the chamber, but other than the busted remote there was no indication that there had been struggle.

Loki’s bedroom door was ajar and Clint moved into the room.

“Loki?” he asked, but there was no answer.

Quickly he checked the bathroom - empty. At least the place was secure and he put his gun back in his holster.

“Loki? Are you under the bed?” he asked and crouched on the floor to peer under the bed. There was only a huddle of blankets, no sign of the God whatsoever.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., do you know where Loki is?” he asked while he got to his feet.

“Mister Loki is on the roof,” came the answer.

“Shit! What is he doing there? It’s fucking pouring!” Clint exclaimed while he bolted from the room to the elevator.

It was late autumn and one of those pesky autumn-storms had terrorized New York for days. On top of that it was already dark, but that wouldn’t hinder the God.

“The door to the roof is locked. How did he…” Clint wondered out loud while the elevator went up to the roof, but the words died on his lips.

_ The broken remote! _

* * *

An unknown amount of time had passed, but it was long enough for his body to demand (to his chagrin) to use the bathroom.

Reluctantly he had dragged himself to said bathroom only to bolt back under the bed again. He didn’t know how long he had stayed there.

J.A.R.V.I.S. had informed him more than once that there was food downstairs and that the Avengers wished for him to join them. His stomach had growled at the prospect, yet, he had ignored the invitation. He would rather stay - relatively - safe under his bed.

The creature also still frightened him. The knowledge that it was everywhere and knew what he was doing scaring him immensely, but nothing had happened and the creature did what he had said he was made for; assisting.

His captors also hadn’t hurt him. They hadn’t been around at all, just leaving him be. It fed a feeling of boldness in him and maybe they weren’t lying. For all he had done and every rule he had broken they only had marginally hurted him. Maybe they were there to help him…

Eventually he had fallen asleep, and when he woke from his feverish nightmares he had a pounding headache. He didn’t know how he got it nor why it remained. He should be able to heal such feeble things, and though it might have to do something with a lack of food, it wasn’t that.

He had longed for some fresh air, something he hadn’t gotten in five years, and thus he had made his way to the roof. He already predicted it would be locked and thus he had brought along something to pick the lock with.

Once outside the rain pelted down on him, but he didn’t mind, and he breathed in the fresh air of the outside world. Well, fresh… As fresh as the air in this place would go. It was heavy with pollution and Loki felt it weasel it’s way into his lungs and raw his throat.

“Loki!” someone shouted distressed as the door burst open and before he was aware Loki was lying on the floor, a man on top of him.

He struggled to break free, though the man was pretty insistent and managed to keep a hold on his wrist.

He wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Were there more people coming to the roof to pin him down? Did they came to collect him to experiment on him? Or were they just going to kill him and push him off the roof? (Could he even die from that? He had survived the void.) Would they grant him the sweet salvation of death?

Loki felt the unmistakable first shiver run along his spine that would surely result in another uncontrollable episode of trembling. He tried to pry his wrist free, not liking the touch, but the fingers tightened their grip.

“You’re not thinking about offing yourself, are you?” the man asked, his breathing hard from the brief struggle they had had.

_ “Just kill me,” he said weary, not able to keep the bloody spittle from flying from his mouth. The lack of emotion with which he had said it showed how tired he was. Tired of being prodded and pried at, tired of being their lab-rat, but mostly tired of the hell his his life had become. _

_ The man laughed mockingly and patted his cheek. “Oh no, we’re not going to kill you.” _

_ Normally he would have tried to get away from the touch, but he didn’t care anymore. He just let it be. _

_ He swallowed the pool of blood that had formed in his mouth and the liquid soothed his inflamed throat a little. “Why not? I have already proven worthless to you, why keep me?” _

_ The man laughed though this time it had some mirth in it. “Worthless? On the contrary. You are very valuable to us, Loki. The things you have given us already and the things you will give us. Oh no, killing you would be a waste.” _

_ Marvelous! Wasn’t that just wonderful? They weren’t going to kill him and just were going to keep their course. The worst part was that he had no means to take his own life if he wished so - and right now he furiously wished so. He wasn’t sure if he could take one more day of their wicked experiments. _

_ The great God of Mischief had reached a new low. _

_ Well… not per se new. The void hadn’t done to him what he had wanted and again it was out of his reach. He would never be free. Not from this place, not from his tormentors, and not from life. _

_ The Norns were cruel indeed. _

Loki’s breath hitched in his throat, his head was pounding violently for a moment before it lessened a little, and of course he was trembling again. Damn it! What was wrong with him? Why was he constantly trembling? It was exhausting.

“Are you?” the man asked insistent and gave him a little tug to draw him back to the question.

“No,” Loki answered reluctantly. Finally the man let go of his wrist and his hand fell limply to his side and he curled his fingers into a trembling fist.

“What are you doing up here then?” came the other’s inquire.

Loki moved his head so he was looking at the man with his milky white eyes, the look almost pleading, but also tired. “I wanted fresh air. You told me I was free to go and I wanted to go outside.”

“In the pouring rain?” the man asked incredulous.

Loki looked down out of habit, fumbling with his hands. “Do you know how long it has been since I have felt the rain on my face?” he barely whispered.

It wasn't as if he hadn't felt water on his face in the passed five years; HYDRA had hosed him down often enough, but there was some different energy in water that hasn't been processed by humans and affected by sewers and metal plumbing. The rain vibrated with something that was wild and untamed - the sheer rawness of the element he felt thrumming where it sticked on his skin.

Silence fell heavy between them and Loki took a couple of steps away from the man, lifting his head skyward, closing his eyes to feel the drops of rain catching his face. Sadly, it didn’t soothe his headache, but at least it felt nice to have the power of an element grace his skin.

The other let out a shuddering breath and Loki heard wet footsteps of the man moving. “Let me know when you’re ready to go inside.”

Loki hummed in the back of his throat, his head still tilted skyward. It took a couple of minutes before he stopped trembling and by now he was soaked to the bone.

Suddenly his headache flared and a rumble of thunder split the silence. The smell of ozone filled the air and it evoked an aching in his chest. Normally he wasn’t very fond of thunderstorms because it was always followed by his raging brother - and mostly that rage was aimed at him - but right now he found himself longing for that blonde oaf.

Of course he was still angry with Thor, but it wasn’t as high on his list of priorities and mixed feelings as it had been five years ago.

Again his headache flared and it was quickly followed by another rumble in the sky.

“Great,” the man behind him bit sarcastically. “Are you planning on staying out in the thunder too?”

Loki’s head dropped and he slowly turned on his heel to face the man. He didn’t read the energy patterns around him so he could be slightly off in the direction he was looking. 

“For once I don’t have a schedule to keep up with,” Loki answered, sadness seeping into his voice.

The words were out before he was aware of them and he got hit by the immense truth that laid in them. For all his life he had been busy with scheming and planning, whether it was to take the throne, learn magic, or escape HYDRA’s clutches. It was only now he realized he had given up on that entirely and that he had been reduced to a breathing vessel that focused on nothing more than surviving instead of living.

Once again he wondered what had happened to the great God of Mischief that wanted to sower chaos among the realms and chase knowledge and artifacts until his thirst for more was sated - something that would never happen. He wondered what had happened to the great Trickster that would burn every bridge and cross everyone to get his brief moments of pleasure.

Had HYDRA stolen that from him or had it died along with the Prince the moment he fell from the Bifrost? He honestly didn’t know and it frightened him. What frightened him even more was the uncertainty if he would ever get it back. Could he be Loki the God of Mischief again, or had it forever been torn from his grasp? Was he now reduced to Loki only by name and forever to be a discarded, trembling-

“I’m sure you won’t mind me interrupting your non-existent schedule to take you inside to get dry and have some dinner,” the man, suddenly very close to him, spoke.

Loki actually did mind. He had hardly spent any time outside, but another painful flare of rolled through his skull, and as expected he heard the thunder rumble.

Was he having a headache due to the lightning? Had it something to do with the electricity? He briefly thought about the notion. Maybe HYDRA had conditioned his system in such a fashion that the nearness of electricity would always pain him. The many amount of shocks he had received during his captivity making him vulnerable to it. If that would be the case he wouldn’t be able to be around his brother as Thor practically leaked electricity constantly.

_ His teeth clamped down on each other as the electricity coursed through his veins, sweat dampening his forehead and his blind eyes going wide. _

_ When the current stopped he was panting. _

_ It had been one of many. He didn’t know what they wanted from him today. They didn’t ask questions, hadn’t told him what the purpose of this ‘experiment’ was - he probably wasn’t deemed worth to know - and for hours they administered him shock after shock. _

_ The leather straps that held him in place had been replaced some time ago after he had ripped one apart. These were made of a strong metal and with every shock the electricity coursed through them as well, burning his skin. _

_ He heard the scientist tapping on something and another flare of agonizing pain went through his system. _

_ He wasn’t going to scream, he wouldn’t give them the satisfaction, but he had noticed they were slowly increasing the strength level of the shocks. _

_ It felt as if his blood was slowly catching fire, searing the inside of his veins, the pain trying to eat him alive. _

_ The electricity stopped and he gulped in the air that had been knocked from his lungs. Or had he just held his breath? _

_ He didn’t know. _

_ He could feel the sweat settling on his brow, the minor itch it gave annoying him immensely. He couldn’t wipe it away and every little thing aggravated him at this moment to an almost painful point. _

_ More tapping sounds and he braced himself for another onslaught of pain, but it wouldn’t come. This time he had been holding his breath and the air escaped his lips with a tired puff. Minutely he felt his muscles relax and he worked his jaw that had cramped up with every shock. _

_ That was a mistake. He couldn’t afford himself to relax because they knew when he did and that was when they would strike. _

_ The pain was back without warning. _

_ He wouldn’t scream. _

_ HE WOULDN’T SCREAM! _

Wet, yet warm fingers wrapped around Loki’s trembling hand and snapped him from his thoughts. “Come on, let’s go inside. We can take a walk outside another time,” the man said soothingly.

He felt the tug as the man began walking, trying to drag him along, but Loki held his ground.

“Come on man, I’m not gonna force you.”

“Why not?” he asked with a small voice. “HYDRA did.”

“Fuck it! We’re not HYDRA! How long is it going to take for you to understand that?” the man spat, letting go of his hand. “You truly want me to force you? Is that it? ‘Cause I’m done asking. You need orders to function? Fine! Stop being a stubborn pain in the ass and get fucking inside!” the man barked.

Loki cringed at the outburst, but more so at the fact that his mind perceived the order as something he could work with. It was something he understood, something he was conditioned to understand. It was plain and simple and easy to follow; get an order, execute given order and don’t receive punishment. That was, of course, if he fulfilled the order to satisfaction of whom had asked him. If he failed it would evoke punishment.

His mind also easily supplied the possibilities of what would happen if he choose to ignore the given command; get an order, be stubborn or sassy, and receive punishment. Easy math, yet he constantly wanted to oppose those orders. Not because he wanted to evoke their wrath or because he craved the pain, but because it didn’t feel right to play by the rules that were given to him.

Because he once had been the one who gave orders! Give the order and… And-

Well, the latter had once been familiar, but now it evaded his grasp.

Loki stood there for a couple of seconds, lost in his thoughts, before one foot placed itself in front of the other and he walked to the door to go inside.

Easy order. Easy to execute. No punishment would follow. Still, the will to rebel nagged at him, but this wasn't the right time.

Another flare of headache tried to split his skull as he opened the door. Loki flinched, but kept his pace. A second later he could hear the rumble of thunder.

Once inside he came to a halt, the other on his heels with a clear, angry demeanour and almost bumped into him. “Why are you stopping?” the man asked dismayed. “Keep moving!”

Loki slowly turned on his heel to face the man. He was feeling quite small, still trembling and fumbling with his hands, and that sense of insignificance resonated in his voice. “I do not know which way to go nor could I guess correctly.”

He braced himself. Firstly, for a punishment he knew that would not come; secondly, for a reprimand that surely  _ would _ come.

He heard the shuddering sigh of barely restrained anger escape the other, and Loki was quite sure the man was speaking through gritted teeth. “To the elevator, that thing made of metal.”

Outside Loki heard another rumble of thunder and the rain pelting down on what he presumed were the windows. Odd, he hadn’t had a flare of headache.

Tentatively he moved to what he presumed was the elevator which already arrived with a ‘ding’.

“Get in,” the man commanded once the doors opened and when they stepped inside he immediately told J.A.R.V.I.S. to have towels brought to the common room.

It was only now that Loki felt his hair stick to his face and water drizzling down his spine. The water didn’t bother him, nor did the cold, but apparently the other was affected as Loki could hear him chatter. Now they were both trembling in the cramped box that went down, though both had a different reason for their shivering.

Once the elevator arrived at the destination with another cheerful ‘ding’, they were immediately crowded by the other occupants of the tower who began to ask questions.

“What happened?”

“Why were you on the roof?”

“Is everything okay?”

“What were you thinking?”

“How did you get on the roof?”

Loki pressed himself against the far wall of the metal box and slumped down to the floor, covering his head with his arms and trying to get away from them. They were angry and angry captors meant punishment - something he probably deserved after he had sneaked off even though they had said he was free to go as he pleased.

“Okay, back off,” the man who had been with him on the roof snarled and the press of auras that surrounded them became less. “Loki, get up and out of the elevator!”

The man sounded as if he wouldn’t take no for an answer, yet, ‘no’ was what he was going to get as Loki shook his head and hunched in on himself even more.

“Clint!” someone exclaimed, sounding as if he berated him.

_ “If you claim to be who you are, then tell me, how did you end up on earth?” the man asked. _

_ He took a shuddering breath which immediately shamed him. He shouldn’t show weakness to these lowly creatures. He shouldn’t let them know the question affected him. Yet, the memory of that question was unpleasant enough to create a whirlwind of emotions which he had a hard time to supress. _

_ He wasn’t going to answer the question. Mostly because he didn’t want to, they didn’t deserve it to know, but also because it didn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter to them, or him, that he had let go of Gungnir, that he had tried to kill himself and had hoped that the void would swallow him to never spit back out. _

_ “We can’t help you if you don’t tell us,” the man said after he had probably been too silent for too long. _

_ “As if your intentions are to help me,” he hissed. He had been taken, put into a cramped cell, and they were torturing him every day. As if helping was their goal. If they truly wanted to help him, they would end his life. _

_ “We  _ do _ want to help you. If you tell us we might be willing to help you to find a way back to your so-called realm.” _

_ His head shot up with a jerk, his half-blind eyes focusing on the man though he wasn’t more than a black splotch. Lies! The man was lying. They didn’t have the intention to send him back, and even if they had, he wouldn’t tell them because the humans weren’t worthy to set foot on Asgard. He wasn’t fond of his realm, not anymore, but Helheim be damned if he would give them the information to conquer the other realms. _

_ Humans were nothing more than crawling ants who were unworthy, and  _ these _ in particular. _

_ “Never,” he bit. _

Someone draped something around his shoulders and Loki simpered as the person was way too close to for his liking.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just giving you a towel so you can dry yourself.”

Loki nodded and his trembling hands lowered from his head to his shoulders, his fingers curling around the soft fabric that was hanging loosely around his shoulders.

He didn’t know what to do with himself and felt caught between extremes. He wanted to lash out at the other, the person invading his personal space too much, the light brush of fingers setting fire to his skin.

However, he also wanted to lean into that touch - a soft, brief caress that shouldn’t give him comfort, but yet something he craved so deeply.

He wanted to curl up in a corner and cry, let the world melt away and give in to the extreme sadness, sorrow and pain he felt. He wouldn't allow it because he wasn't going to give his captors the satisfaction of seeing him break.

The last thing he longed the most for was to get everything over with. Get the punishment over with, get this day over with, get his life over with because this was exhausting. These people were exhausting! Pulling him this way and that, and finally one had shown his true face and had  _ ordered _ him. It wouldn't be long before the others would follow suit. He was glad he didn't get attached to them nor had he viewed them as anything else than his new tormentors. At least that made the situation and the ones to come less painful.

“Loki,” someone - the woman - said softly. “Can you get out of the elevator for me?”

Did he even have a choice? If they wanted him out of-

The woman interrupted his thoughts as if she had read them. “I'm not going to command you or force you. It's your choice, but I'm sure the couch is a much nicer place to sit.”

Maybe he had grown predictable that she knew what he had wanted to say. That was a pitiful notion; the God of Mischief getting predictable.

He was vaguely aware of people talking in the background, and he was sure it was about him, but he didn’t care. He had already enough on his mind with his body that wouldn’t stop shivering, a pounding headache and one of his captors that wanted something from him or with him.

Loki took a shuddering breath that matched his trembling body and pushed himself to shaky feet. Better get this over with than postpone the inevitable. He took a couple of steps, the persons around him taking steps back as if he was wading through water, until he was outside of the metal box.

His fingers curled at his sides into claws and his head fell forward, his chin almost resting on his chest. In an automatic response, as he always did, he closed his blind eyes and waited for the impact.

When warm fingers curled around his, Loki’s eyes flew open and his head snapped up, his entire body going rigid and he just managed to bite back a yelp. The touch was painful because he had expected pain, yet the true pain of punishment remained absent. It took his mind a split second to wrap itself around that notion after it had already wrecked all sorts of havoc in his skull, feeding his headache.

The hand fell away from his fingers and instead adjusted the towel that threatened to fall from his shoulders.

The tension in the air was almost audible and it was only now that Loki realized that everyone was so silent you could hear a pin drop. When that silence got penetrated by the woman’s voice it jabbed painfully at his hearing. “Bruce, can you come over here?”

The scuffling of feet was the only thing he heard as the silence returned again, and the energy of a body near him shifted. He recognized the energy as that from the eye-prier, apparently called Bruce.

He shouldn’t bother with names.

“Loki, how are you feeling?” the eye-pr-  _ Bruce _ , asked.

“Wet,” he replied curtly and immediately flinched. He shouldn’t sass. He had already pushed his limits with going to the roof to get fresh air and defying the one called Clint. Backmouthing was a bad idea, yet, he couldn’t help himself.

“Can I have a look at your eyes?”

Ah! There it was. The eye-prier wanted to do what his nickname indicated he did best. First this man would prob and pry at him and then the others would follow suit with whatever punishments they had in store for him.  _ Sitting on a couch _ … Loki didn’t believe it. It was probably a synonym for ‘chair to get strapped into’.

_ “Please, make yourself comfortable,” the woman said while hands roughly pushed him in a device that felt like a chair, but the modifications made him suspect it was much more than that. _

_ He tried to shrug the hands off, to no avail, and thick leather straps were placed around his being. Wrists, lower arms, upper arms, all over his legs and torso - they really didn’t want to take any changes. _

_ The woman took up a wooden chair opposite of him. _

_ His green eyes scanned her features - a penetrating gaze that would make any mortal tremble, but not her. It didn’t work on her, nor did his withering glares work on anyone in this facility. _

_ He flexed his fingers, the digits digging into the metal armrest. _

_ He didn’t know why he was in this room, but if the chair was a forebode for what was to come, it was a bad omen. _

_ “Now, Loki. Let me explain to you where you are and how the rules work,” she said with a little smile. With her slender fingers she flicked a switch and his teeth clamped down on each other. _

“Loki?” the eye-prier asked uncertain, trying to get his attention.

Loki huffed, straightening his back to draw himself to his full height. He shouldn’t be afraid of this man - from what he could sense the eye-prier was even a head shorter than him. Also, what did he have to fear? He wasn’t strapped to a chair, if the man hurted him he could lash out and dart away. Maybe it was time for a glimmer of the once so proud Prince to shine through. Maybe it was time to stop cowering and trembling!

“Do what you want,” Loki snarled, bracing himself for the touch.

There was a brief moment where nothing happened and then soft, warm fingers were on his face, pulling his eyelid open. Another flare of headache threatened to split his skull and he had to refrain himself from squeezing his eyes shut.

“Can you look up?” the eye-prier asked.

“No, I can’t  _ look _ ,” Loki bit vicious, but rolled his eyes upward anyway.

“Down. Left. Right.”

Loki followed the man’s orders until he let go of his eyelid.

“Tony, do you have a flashlight?”

“What? Isn’t that a standard tool on your doctor's belt?” the man joked.

It sounded as if he received a punch somewhere by the thud Loki heard, followed by an “oof”.

“I’m going to shine a flashlight in your eyes, just I have done before,” the eye-prier explained him.

Those warm fingers were back on his face without warning and Loki flinched. He didn’t draw away. Another vicious flare of pain pounded through his skull and then the man let him go.

“Loki,” the man began before a brief silence followed. “Are you sure you’re unable to see anything?”

What kind of stupid question was that! “Yes,” Loki growled. “Why?”

“Because I’m pretty sure the color of your irises has changed to a different hue of green, and I’m getting a response on your pupil-dilation. It is minor, but it is there.”

It felt as if the air got knocked from his lungs with a punch to the gut and he could feel tears forming the back of his eyes. All Loki could muster was a baffled, “what?”

“I think your eyesight is recovering,” came the unneeded explanation.

Suddenly everything in his head was spinning and he was aware of his body pushing past other bodies, his feet placing themselves one before the other without his full knowledge. Loki tried to gulp in air that wouldn’t reach his lungs, his throat constricting as he passed walls, doors and things, using them for support. He scrambled through the halls of the tower in a mad-flight, not knowing where to go and with no apparent goal.

If he hadn’t been blind already, he surely would have been blinded by the tears that stung his eyes and streamed down his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if you have seen V for Vendetta, but a particular scene from the movie ([this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXf6wxeMFHc)) has always stuck with me. The scene with Loki in the pouring rain is inspired on that.  
> Also, this is where I wanted to end the previous chapter, but alas, things happen.  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I’m always overjoyed if you leave a comment. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you skip the flashbacks. I just want to give a heads up that I'm playing with them because… reasons, so look very carefully where italic text begins and ends. Also, I think the new standard for each chapter will be around 9k words instead of 7k. I don’t know what’s happening, apparently Loki has a lot to tell. I’m sure you don’t mind… I’ve also updated the warning tags.

“Has he been out of his room at all?” Steve asked as he entered the common room for dinner.

“Not that we know,” Natasha answered him and passed him a container of take-out food.

“It’s been what? Three days?” Steve said while he stabbed at his food with a fork. “Has he eaten anything?”

“I sent him the invitations,” Tony mused.

“Maybe he has snuck around at night and raided the fridge,” Clint said still with a mouthful, drawing a disgusted look from Steve.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., has Loki eaten at all?” Tony asked his A.I..

“No sir.”

Steve was still stabbing at his food, suddenly not feeling very hungry even though he had just trained for three solid hours. “Maybe we should give him some company, make sure he eats and stuff.”

“Maybe we should just leave him the fuck alone like he asked us multiple times,” Clint said reproaching.

“Yeah, and that has been useful how exactly?” Tony countered. “He clearly can’t be on his own.”

“I think it would be better if we keep him company for a bit, but just one person or maybe two at the time,” Steve offered.

“So we’re gonna set up a babysit schedule?” Clint asked dismayed.

Steve shrugged. “Sort of. I’m sure we don’t have to be there every waking minute. And I don’t think we have to force him to interact with us. Maybe it will draw him out a bit.”

“I’ll go first,” Tony piped happily and jumped to his feet.

“That might be a bad idea seeing the last time,” Steve said, stopping the inventor dead in his tracks. “Bruce, you might want to wait for a bit too.”

Bruce nodded. “Yes, but I’d like to keep track on the recovery of his eyesight if possible.”

“I understand, but I still strongly advice to wait. He didn’t take it very well,” said Steve.

“So you’re going?” Tony asked a little venomous. “You made him panic too a week ago.”

Steve bit his lip and then nodded.

All eyes trained themselves on the two assassins in the room.

“Oh, come on!” Clint almost wailed and Natasha gave him a punch on the arm.

“You were with him on the roof. He seemed to take you better than any of us thus far,” she said.

Clint sighed relenting. “Fine, I’ll go first.”

* * *

After his mad-flight through the prison after receiving the news of his sight recovering, Loki had fallen to his knees some place unknown to him. It had been with the guidance of J.A.R.V.I.S. that he had found his way back to his cell.

He had immediately made for the bedroom and scurried underneath the bed, curling himself up to a little ball and he had cried until his tears had completely dried up.

A thousand emotions and thoughts had taken hold of him at that moment and he simply didn’t know how to cope with them.

The one emotion that was on the front the most, and which also dismayed him the most, was fear. Loki was utterly and completely terrified with the news he had received because the ramifications were too many. He had lived in the dark for five years, had found a way to survive in this blindness, and now he might recover from it and the world would have changed.

He didn’t abhor change, he even welcomed it, but at this given point it frightened him. Everything and everyone had moved on and he had missed a small amount of time from which he was sure the progress had been significant.

He didn’t care for Midgard, humans were always evolving and quick at it too, but the fear laid in what would have happened to the other eight realms, and Asgard in particular. Well, not per se Asgard, the Realm Eternal would be unchanged as it had been for decades, but the fear that Thor had changed scared him. The fear that Frigga might have changed and would discard him as the runt he was made his heart constrict in such a manner that he couldn’t even  _ begin  _ to describe the feelings.

Regaining his sight also meant that he was recovering enough that his Seidr would soon return to him - something he longed for so much that it almost pained him physically. Still, it wasn’t a guarantee.

His magic would put every effort in healing his eyes up to a point where his sight was fully recovered before it would return to him, or, and this was even worse, his eyesight wouldn’t heal any further regardless of the fact that he could see again. And  _ that _ was the entire crux of the story. His Seidr would forever try to heal something that couldn’t be healed, push every effort into that, and his magic would be locked away behind his fingertips until the end of his days. He would forever be blind, or half-blind, with a meager amount of energy to see the world around him while his Seidr would fizzle at his fingertips every time he tried to wield it.

The once so great sorcerer of the Realm Eternal set back to a pathetic peasant.

Loki tried to distance himself from those facts, but it was difficult. His magic was inherently tied to who he was and how he defined himself. It was his escape and his defence, he wasn’t sure how he would be able to live without it.

Yet, he had a little flare of hope and he clung to that desperately.  _ If _ his sight would recover he might be able to read again one day. He might be able to hold a book again, to smell its signature scent of paper and leather, and absorb the information that was scribbled on the pages.

It was one of the few things he desperately held on to.

His headaches had also tormented him for the amount of time that he had hidden himself underneath his bed until he had figured out why his skull was at war with him.

The minimal amount of his eyes that was healing couldn’t handle the amount of light that tried to penetrate the darkness, even though he could  _ barely  _ discern the difference between day and night. It was enough to pain him after such a long - which was very short compared to his lifespan - time in the darkness.

He had asked J.A.R.V.I.S. to turn the lights off and make sure the curtains in his room stayed closed at all time. The A.I. had happily complied.

It also explained why the thunder on the roof had affected him so much; the lightning splitting the sky had been too much light for him to handle.

Now, after an unknown amount of time in hiding, he was hungry, thirsty and he felt sticky, but he didn’t dare to leave his safe-haven. He had had some sleep, though it had been fitful.

The silence in his cell got broken as Loki heard a door opening followed by someone calling out his name. He groaned in frustration. He didn’t want to speak to his captors and he surely didn’t want one to enter the bedroom. They would make him leave his safe-spot and try what not.

“Damn it’s dark in here,” the man said as he pushed the door open.

The soft clicking sound and the flare of headache was indication enough that the other had turned on the light. He wanted to tell the man to turn it off, but Loki was sure his captor wouldn’t listen. He was, after all, a prisoner, and prisoners didn’t have much to want.

_ “What do you want, Loki?” a woman asked. _

_ That was an odd question, why would they ask him what he wanted? He wanted a lot of things. He wanted something to drink and to eat. He wanted to read. He wanted his magic back. He wanted to go… home? No, that couldn’t be right. He had no home. _

_ He wanted them to stop hurting him. He wanted to get out of here. He wanted sweet revenge. _

_ “Answer me,” the woman said irritated. “What do you want?” _

_ He was silent for a moment and then carefully said, “I want something to drink.” _

_ The sting of a flat hand colliding with his cheek burned his skin. “Wrong answer. What do you want?” _

_ He swallowed. Why had the answer been wrong? She had asked what he wanted and he had answered. Why was this answer not to her satisfaction? _

_ “Answer me!” the angry demand came. He shook his head and this time his other cheek stung from the impact. “We already have told you the answer multiple times. What do you want?” _

_ “I want something to drink,” he said stubbornly and turned his head to the side in the vain hope to avoid another slap. Fingers curled around his jaw and nails dug into his skin painfully to turn his head. Then another stinging pain followed, but she didn’t let him go. _

_ “Do I need to ask again?” she threatened, “because the question isn’t that difficult.” _

_ She was right. The question wasn’t difficult indeed. The answer, however, was… Well, easy as well, but it was complicated for him because he didn’t want to acknowledge it. _

_ “No,” he croaked, answering her first question dutifully and still receiving a vicious slap. _

_ “You know the rules, Loki. What do you want?” _

_ He swallowed again, tears forming in the back of his eyes as he felt a wave of anger approach. He clamped his teeth together and refused to answer. He wasn’t going to satisfy these humans. _

_ She let his face go and turned to more drastic measures. After an unknown amount of time in pure agony he finally answered, his voice small and broken, just like he felt. “I want nothing because I have nothing to want. I will have what you grace me with.” _

Loki was just in time to bite back the whimper he felt building in the back of his throat and shivers wrecked his body.

“Still under the bed?”

Loki felt the approaching press of an aura drawing near to his safe-spot. He recognized the aura as the one who was called Clint. Briefly he wondered why he remembered the name, it was to no importance, but maybe it made things a little easier.

“Hey,” Clint said. “I think it’s time for you to get out of hiding and have something to eat. I brought chocolate paste. You like that, right?”

As if on cue his stomach betrayed him by rumbling loudly, and the idea of food, and chocolate paste in particular, made him salivate, but the compromise to get out of hiding wasn’t alluring.

He was still trembling after all and that shamed him deeply. Not to mention he’d rather stayed in his safe place.

“You’re gonna stay and sulk there forever?” Clint asked a little agitated.

“I would prefer that,” Loki lied. He didn’t want to stay the rest of his life in hiding underneath a bed, but he also wasn’t sure what he  _ did _ want, and thus this seemed a good option until he had a better plan.

Clint sighed in irritation. “What does it take to get you out of your hiding spot?”

Loki’s brows furrowed in confusion. Was this man trying to bargain with him? Or was he simply trying to lure him out only to withhold the reward once he did so? Loki wouldn’t be surprised if the latter was the case. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“For you to leave me alone?” he bit at Clint.

“Yeah, not gonna work. We’ve left you alone for three days and you’ve been hauled up in there. You gotta do better than that.”

Why was this human so persistent? Couldn’t he just go away?

Loki fell silent and wasn’t inclined on answering the man. His silence would probably evoke punishment in some form, but he would gladly take it.

Clint was doing something that made a weird sound and soon the smell of chocolate paste wafted Loki's way. “If you get out you get the chocolate paste. Maybe we can even go outside, get you some fresh air. The sun is shining.”

Marvellous. Now this man was trying to treat him like some scared house-pet, trying to draw him out with the promise of food and a walk on a leash.

_ Pain flared through his system time and again as the person kept asking him questions. He screamed, his throat so raw he thought it would tear to ribbons with every labored breath he took. Eventually, he relented, not able to take it anymore and concluding the answer wasn’t worth defending anymore. Not compared to the agony they put him through and the price they promised him. _

_ “Final question, Loki. If you answer it you will get a glass of water.” _

_ He wanted it. He desperately wanted the glass of water that had been offered to him. _

_ “We heard you screaming a name last night. Thor. Who is he?” _

_ He didn’t want to answer that question! _

_ “I did not,” he denied with a raspy voice. His tongue darted out to moisten his cracked lips, but his mouth was as dry as a dessert and it didn’t help. _

_ “We have footage of it, Loki, do you want to hear it?” _

_ A shiver ran up his spine. They monitored him day and night and during his sleep he had no control over what he said and screamed due to nightmares. They weren’t lying, and he had probably preached his name more than once. Still, he didn’t want to tell them. _

_ “If you want the glass of water you tell us who he is,” the other said patiently. _

_ “No.” _

_ “Answer it and the glass of water is yours.” _

_ His resolve crumbled. _

_ “He is my brother,” he answered defeated, biting back a tear. It was humiliating how easily they could bribe him with something so simple as a glass of water. _

_ “Good. You answered our questions though it took some time,” the person said displeased. _

_ Yes! Yes he had, and now he would get what they promised him. Something akin to hope flared in his chest as he thought about the prospect of the blessed liquid soothing his burning throat. _

_ “You should’ve answered sooner, Loki,” the person said cruelly. “If you had you wouldn’t get punished now.” _

_ “What?” he asked shocked and confused. He had complied to their wishes, hadn’t he? _

_ “The only water you will get is another hose-down. Take him away!” _

_ No. No, no, NO! _

This time Loki couldn’t bite back the yelp that the memory evoked, but he quickly recovered himself to continue his conversation with Clint as if nothing had happened. “I am not a dog,” he growled.

“No, dogs listen better than you do,” the other deadpanned dryly, but it was unmistakably a verbal attack.

Loki was utterly dismayed with the treatment, but he couldn’t deny that the other had a point. Not about the listening, he would only do that when it suited him, but about the fact that he got treated like a scared animal if he acted like one. He was a God, for the Norns sake, and a Prince at that. If his former self could see him now he would surely mock and laugh at how pathetic he had become. Didn’t he used to have a Silver Tongue? Shouldn’t he just wage it to get what he wanted - whatever that was - or had he already forgotten how to do that? Had HYDRA broken that part of him as well?

“I want a book,” Loki blurted. Well, so much for the  _ great God of Lies _ , but at least it was something a little more constructive.

Clint was silent for a moment before he spoke, weighing his words carefully. “You can’t see.”

“That is my problem, not yours,” Loki countered dryly.

“Even if you find a way to read, we don’t have books. We have Starkpads.”

“Then the deal is off,” Loki said dismissively.

He couldn’t deny how good and familiar it felt to bribe for things like this. It was small, almost insignificant, especially compared to the political games he had played as a Prince, but it felt like progress and it felt like… home?

“Loki, for fuck sake, stop this idiotic behavior,” Clint suddenly growled, shattering the feeling of delight Loki felt. “Stop being such an idiot and get out from under the bed.  _ Now! _ ”

Loki cringed. He hadn’t expected the outburst, thinking he was playing a game he could actually win, and immediately his body responded by trembling more violently. Still his mind happily supplied all the consequences if he didn’t listen, almost forcing him to comply. He didn’t want that and thus he held his ground. Loki wasn’t going to give an inch unless they forced him. “No!”

The other radiated such a flare of anger that it washed over him like a tidal wave. Loki expected Clint to lash out or grab him, but instead the man withdrew and marched out of the room, slamming doors behind him as he left.

Loki let out a shuddering breath he didn’t knew he had been holding and suddenly he felt a deep shame. He was indeed acting like a petulant child and a frightened animal, and it should be no surprise that these Avengers treated him as such. If he ever wanted to regain something of his former self he should put some effort in it.

Thus far they hadn’t harmed him and had only genuinely expressed that they wanted to help him. The problem was, however, that he was just  _ so scared _ . It was almost ironic; he had been trained his entire life to hide his fears in battle, to reign in the panic he felt when a political (or criminal) game seemed to go awry. He had learned to bury any form of fright that was evoked from pain, which he had easily applied when captured and tortured by HYDRA. Yet, he hadn’t learned how to deal with the type of terror he felt now, and  _ that  _ scared him even more, creating a vicious circle he didn’t know how to break.

At least Clint had left the chocolate paste behind.

* * *

“Well, at least he isn’t acting like a meek lamb like he did the first days,” Tony shrugged.

“No, he’s changed into a stubborn pain in the ass,” Clint growled, throwing a dart into the dartboard and hitting the bullseye.

“Cut him some slack man. Let’s see how you would handle what he’s been through,” Tony bit back a little too vicious, drawing a scowl from Clint. Tony moved to retreat the darts from the board and muttered, “you’re no fun to play with.”

“That makes two,” Clint deadpanned and shrugged. “Maybe it gives you some common ground with Loki and you can go talk to him.”

Bruce entered the room as Tony handed the set of darts to Clint who rapidly threw them at the board, hitting the bullseye three times in a row.

“No fun,” Tony said as he pointed a finger at Hawkeye who just grinned cocky, and gave Clint the remaining darts, done with the game.

“How did it go?” Bruce asked as he moved over to the kitchen to make himself some tea. The next set of darts burying themselves in the dartboard with more force than was necessary was all the answer Bruce needed. “Ah, I see.”

“He doesn’t,” Clint chuckled, referring to Loki, as he moved to retrieve the darts again.

“Are you done?” Tony snarled. “It’s already hard enough as it is without your dry comments. Go to the range and shoot something,” and Tony waved his hand dismissively.

Clint raised an eyebrow, but did as he was told, leaving the room.

Tony rubbed his hand over his face. “You’re up.”

“Yeah, not to today. I think we should let him off the hook for some time. I’ll try tomorrow,” Bruce said.

* * *

After a lot of consideration, Loki had left his hiding-spot underneath the bed.

His muscles ached from being cramped up in the small space for so long, but it felt like a small victory to be able to move and stretch his limbs. He was a little at war with himself what to do next. The need for a shower, something to drink and to eat, and even to relief himself all demanded equal attention. He decided to start with the latter and work through his other needs in the order his body mostly wanted.

He also decided to leave the lights on, experimenting if it would make any difference. As he took a shower and found something to drink, he noticed that his headache began to recede, thought it was slow progress.

Eventually Loki was sitting cross legged on the couch, his freshly washed hair plastered against his face as he was scooping chocolate paste by the spoon out of the jar.

“Mr. Loki,” J.A.R.V.I.S. suddenly addressed him. “Mister Stark asked me to let you know housekeeping will clean your chambers tomorrow.”

Loki’s blind eyes flicked up skittishly to the ceiling where the voice had came from. He still wasn’t entirely used to J.A.R.V.I.S., though the creature had been very helpful to him. Loki’s fear of…  _ it _ had slightly lessened after he had made peace with the fact that it was everywhere in the building, but was unlikely to harm him.

He put the empty jar on the table and swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. “Do I have to do anything with them?”

“No, but I think they want to vacuum under your bed,” came the reply dutiful.

Loki didn't have the faintest idea what a ‘vacuum’ was other than the meaning of the word, but the prospect of someone invading his personal space didn't sit well with him. “I don't need a slave to clean my cell. I shall clean it myself.”

Well, that was a lie. He wouldn't, but he would rather live like an animal (no change there anyway) than have someone invade his space. The notion struck him as a little odd seeing that on Asgard maids and slaves stopped by multiple times a day to clean his chambers. He never had a problem with that. The first weeks in his captivity with HYDRA he had even longed for a slave to-

_ The bolts from his cell door unlocked and two people stepped in. Something wet and slushy landed at his feet. _

_ “There’s blood everywhere. Clean your cell,” came the harsh command. _

_ His head whipped up and with his energy he searched for the person who had spoken, his blind eyes focusing on the man. “I cannot because I cannot see.” _

_ “Clean your cell, or we will do it with a hose with you still in it. You have fifteen minutes,” and with those words the door slammed shut. _

_ He sought for the thing that had been thrown at his feet - a wet rag. With a sigh his fingers curled around the moist fabric and he crawled to a corner to start scrubbing the floor. He really wanted to avoid another hose-down. _

Loki’s thoughts had been interrupted by the brief memory and he could feel a slight tremor run through his body. It didn’t take full hold as the artificial intelligence spoke to him.

“Sir, with all due respect, but I don't think that is a good idea. How are you going to make sure you don't accidentally mistake bleach for something drinkable?” J.A.R.V.I.S. sassed.

Before Loki could answer the world faded away from existence.

_ It surprised him that his captors hadn’t give him a bucket with water to clean the rag, but then again, if he had possession of a bucket of water he would drink it instead of using it to clean his cell. It wouldn’t matter if they had put soap in it or not, he was thirsty enough to drink it anyway. _

_ After some time - he suspected fifteen minutes - the door opened again. Someone clicked their tongue. “Well, all you have achieved is smudging the bloodstains, this isn’t any cleaner.” _

_ His breath caught in his throat. He hadn’t performed their task to their liking and it was very likely he would pay for it now. At least they stayed true to their threats, he knew what to expect. “Sorry. I am sorry. I cannot- I-” _

_ The sound of a hose turning on - which he recognized all too well by now - broke his words and he was just in time to scramble out of the way before the freezing water would hit him. _

_ Laughter penetrated his ears and the onslaught of water hit his chest minutely before he scrambled away again. It didn’t matter to which corner he fled, the spray of water followed him and he felt like a dancing monkey, their laughter bouncing of the walls. _

_ Then it dawned on him. They had set him up for failure from the start! One couldn’t clean the amount of bloodstains in his cell with just a single, wet rag. It would indeed always smudge and make it worse. _

_ He threw himself into a corner, his back to the persons and he covered his face with his hands to avoid the water getting in his eyes. Not a moment later the ice-cold water hit his back. _

He had even longed for a slave to clean the blood-stains from the floor of his cell instead of having to do it himself, but now it felt like an intrusion.

Briefly Loki was confused by what had happened. The memory had split itself in two and his former thought had suddenly crawled to the front of his mind. He was, of course, trembling, and it took a moment to remember what J.A.R.V.I.S. had said to him between the memories.

“I can  _ smell  _ the difference,” Loki bit nasty. “And on top of that, it would hardly be the worst thing that has entered my system. HYDRA had no problem with pouring acid in my eyes and they have injected me with every poison and disease known to mankind. I think I will survive something like bleach, whatever that may be.”

“Sir, I'm afraid this isn't up for discussion. If you like I can temporarily place you in another room.”

“I do not want another cell, I do not want anyone invading my space!” Immediately Loki flinched, pressing himself into the corner of the couch to make himself small, fearing punishment for his little outburst. What was he even thinking? If his captors wanted to invade his space, they would. It was not like he had any say in the matter.

“I'll ask them to not vacuum under the bed,” J.A.R.V.I.S. said, sounding a little dismayed.

“No!” he suddenly snapped resolutely.

“Sir, it’s not up-”

“No, that is not what I meant,” he interrupted and screwed his eyes shut as his hands balled into fists. “Let them…” He took a deep breath. “Let them do their work. I shall-”

_ I shall deal with it _ , he thought bitterly. He couldn’t cower for the rest of his life, just as he couldn’t stay hidden underneath that bed until the end of days. If he wanted to change he should allow the change to happen. Maybe he would even stop trembling one day.

“Alright, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. said. “I’ll give you a notice before they arrive.”

Loki nodded and his thoughts tracked back to his captors. They had given him all the room he needed and had demanded, and he had to remind himself once again that nobody had done anything nefarious to him thus far. Loki still had trouble believing these Avengers didn’t want to harm him - the voice in the back of his head nagging that they were lying - but at least they gave him freedom and almost catered to his whims. He would be a fool if he didn’t greedily make use of it.

They allowed him to recover, gave him shelter and food. Nobody had punished him for snapping, for not knowing and for avoiding questions. Maybe they never would…

One thing was for certain, if his powers would return to him, even it would be a ghost of what it once had been, they wouldn’t be able to hurt him even if they wished. HYDRA had made very sure he wouldn’t get half a second to recover, and even if they had done so in order to run other experiments, they had never granted him access to his true powers. They always kept him on a leash. It had been clever, he had to admit that. Had he had his full strength he would sure as Helheim laid the entire place to waste.

Maybe one day he still would. Just out of spite and to get revenge. It would be so rewarding to have those meager mortals squirming and begging at his feet while they knew he wouldn’t be merciful. His lips curled at the thought.

Oh, he would make sure all of HYDRA knew what had hit them, or better said,  _ who _ ! The God of Trickery would adone his not often used title as God of Evil and show them he was not to be meddled with. He would surely take his time with them to repay for what they had done; and time was one thing he had plenty of.

And after he was done with them he would leave behind something that could only be described as _pure_ _carnage_!

But how entertaining those thoughts were, he had to heal first. He was tempted to plan methodically for when that day would arise - to satisfy the deep hatred he felt for the organisation and to pass time. The reality was, however, that this wasn’t the time for great plans and that he was also stuck in this place. Which, of course, brought another problem. Without his scheming and without the gut to face his new captors to play tricks on, Loki was bored out of his mind.

One thing was positive; he had stopped trembling. Well, that, and he felt almost relaxed, sprawled out on the couch. The latter he hadn’t felt in a long time, but a restlessness ached in his bones.

It always did.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., I’m bored,” he sighed.

Immediately the creature answered dutifully and Loki felt some resemblance of satisfaction in the obedience of the A.I.. “Well, you could go to the roof like Mr. Barton suggested. The lock has been repaired, it’s a sunny day, and I can give you clearance.”

Loki contemplated the offer. He would like to go outside, feel the sun on his face, but he feared that the amount of light would give him a tremendous headache. He didn’t want to risk it now he finally didn’t have the feeling that Thor was pounding at his skull with Mjolnir.

“I would rather not,” he answered diplomatic.

“Alright. You could go to the common room, some of the Avengers are there. I’m sure they want to talk to you.”

“No!” The word was out with a bark before Loki was aware of it and he felt his breathing hitch in his throat.

No punishment came.

No reprimand came.

Loki took a deep breath to steady himself.

“Then what would you like to do?” J.A.R.V.I.S. asked, and Loki was sure he could hear a form of weariness in the creature’s voice.

Loki fumbled with his hands, his thumb running over a groove in the palm of his other hand. “I would like to read,” he answered with a small voice. “Though I do not think that is an option.”

“No, but I might have something else that might entertain you,” J.A.R.V.I.S. answered cryptically. “Have you tried to turn on the television? Mister Stark has replaced the remote you picked apart. It should be working.”

Loki’s brows furrowed. “A what?” he echoed his thoughts.

“Television, Sir. It’s a telecommunication medium where one can watch moving images with the aid of sound about various subjects. Of course you wouldn’t be able to  _ see _ the images, but you can  _ hear _ what is being told. I believe we even have a couple of channels especially designed for the visually impaired.”

Loki milled over the given information. It didn’t sound extremely attractive, but the idea didn’t abhor him either. Before he could make the decision himself, J.A.R.V.I.S. did it for him.

“Here, let me turn it on for you,” and without warning something flared to life, making a lot of sound he couldn’t immediately place. Loki cringed, a little put off by the sudden penetration of the silence. “The remote is in the drawer of the table. You can use it to change channels to search for something you like.”

Loki sought for the object J.A.R.V.I.S. had mentioned and turned it over in his hands. Those weird, rubber nubs again. It confused him. There were over forty buttons and he didn’t know which one to press and he resulted in pressing one which shape appealed to him and held the button down.

Suddenly the sound from the television became extremely loud and he threw the remote away to cover his ears with trembling hands to block the onslaught of noise.

What had he done? Had he destroyed the moving-images thing? Was this punishment for his curiosity? What was this Midgardian  _ thing _ ?

Steadily the sound dimmed again and it took J.A.R.V.I.S. a couple of times saying his name before he dared to uncover his ears again.

“I’m sorry Sir. I thought that mister Stark had arranged for a remote with braille on the buttons.”

With  _ what _ on the buttons?

“Give me a second and I’ll install a program on the television so you can operate it with voice-commands.”

“N-no,” Loki said shakily. “Do not bother. I-” he swallowed, not finishing his sentence.

He just wanted to read, but that wasn’t going to happen any time soon,  _ if _ it would ever be possible again.

Loki uncurled himself from the couch and walked to the bedroom. Suddenly he was very tired.

* * *

Steve was angrily stabbing at his food. “He didn’t recognize me,” he growled.

“You expected otherwise?” Natasha asked him.

“The last time I said his name at least there was a spark of recognition. Today… Nothing!” Steve's fork clattered from his hand and he sighed in defeat. “Maybe I've imagined it.”

“Hey, don't do that to yourself,” Natasha said softly. “We'll find him.”

“Yeah, and then what?” Steve countered frustrated. ”For all we know each and every one of us is his target. We already have our hands full with Loki, let alone-”

“Hey, leave Loki to us,” Tony said placating. “You just focus on finding your lost friend and when you find him and bring him in…” Tony shrugged. “Well, we'll see. We're the Avengers, we'll find a solution.”

Natasha nodded and pointed at Steve's food in a silent gesture for him to eat.

“Any idea where he might have gone?” Tony asked, scooping up his food from the container.

“I might, but I'm not sure. He knows how to hide and make himself a ghost.”

“Great, then we'll start there,” Tony said optimistically.

* * *

Loki had gone to bed, this time actually lying on the bed instead of underneath it, but the mattress was still too soft. It had kept sleep at bay even though he had been very tired. Eventually had given up and moved to the floor.

Still, he had pushed for change and had laid down against a wall that wasn’t underneath his bed. Apparently his body had gotten so used to lying on the hard ground of his cell that this seemed to only possibility to fall asleep.

When sleep had finally claimed him, it had been fitful and short, and he had soon awakened screaming. The nightmare had struck terror in his heart and he had quickly moved underneath the bed, hiding away in fake safety. After that he had fallen asleep again, and for the first time since years he hadn't had any nightmares.

“Mr. Loki.”

Someone said his name, but he was still too far removed from the world of the wake, the claws of sleep tugging at him persistently.

“Sir, wake up.”

The claws of sleep were stronger and he drifted off in familiar numbness.

_ “Loki! Wake up!” _

_ He didn't want to wake up. Not now, not ever again. Every fiber in his body hurt, screaming with the smallest of motions. He just wanted to sleep. _

_ “Wake up!” _

_ No! _

_ He didn't want to. He just wanted to sleep for a long time. Couldn’t they just let him be? _

_ Pain blossomed in his chest as something hard and blunt connected with his ribs none too kindly. “Wake up, scum, or we're going to make this morning  _ very  _ unpleasant for you!” _

_ More unpleasant than things already had been? That couldn't be possible. _

“Loki!”

The persistent voice of the A.I. finally penetrated his hazy mind, but it took scarcely root.

J.A.R.V.I.S. sounded distressed. “Mr. Loki, wake up!”

Immediately Loki's body put itself on its guard; an automatic response every warrior had. His muscles pulled taut, ready for a fight and, of course, he was trembling again.

_ Pain flared through his skull when the same something from before connected with his head. He let out a groan that was a mixture of pain and the forced awakeness in such a vicious manner. _

_ “Oh, you're finally awake,” someone deadpanned before fingers knotted in his hair and gave a vicious jank. _

_ “Now get up,” the man snarled. “Or I'll drag you by the hairs to your chair.” _

_ Still drowsy he did as he was told, or at least, he tried. The man holding his hair didn't let him go and even placed what he presumed was a knee on his chest. _

_ It hurt. _

“Are you awake?”

Loki clawed at the floor and grabbed at the weight on his chest. His fingers raked through nothing but air, but still he was trying to get away. He had to get away from… From what?

“Sir, is everything alright?”

Loki swallowed, the lump in his throat not going away and breaking his voice. “I-”

Suddenly the waking world disappeared again and he only vaguely heard someone call for him.

_ “GET UP!” the man barked. _

_ He struggled, his limbs flailing to heed the command - a bitter attempt to avoid more agony than necessary. He knew what was going to happen in that chair - presumably it was morning. _

_ The weight of the man on top of him and pressing him to the floor made it unable to get up. The game was already lost, if it ever had been there in the first place. _

_ The knee disappeared and as he expected thousands of little pinpricks littering his scalp followed as he got dragged out by his hair. _

Loki gasped, taking in big gulps of air as he tried to calm his hammering heart. With a trembling hand he pushed his fingers through his hair, the phantom-pain of someone pulling his hair not diminishing.

Suddenly someone was screaming very near to him, and in an automatic response he reached for the person to grab them, his fingers curling around a part of a warm body.

Within a heartbeat he was out from under the bed and within another heartbeat he held the person in a deathgrip, their back pressed against his front and his arm over their throat.

Had Loki been able to see, he surely would have seen red, and he squeezed with all his might to kill his assailant. Another scream tore from the person in his grip and they trashed wildly in his arms, scratching his arms in a futile attempt to break free.

A split-second later Loki heard the outer door from his cell bust open, followed by the door to his bedroom.

“Loki! Let her go!” the new person - a man - demanded, but the command didn’t take hold in his brain.

Warm fingers grabbed his wrist and pried his arm away from the person he was holding in a choke-hold, and that person fled the room.

Fright blossomed in his chest as those strong hands still held him. They were going to take him! They had woken him to put him through another ordeal of tests.

These Avengers were his captors, not his saviors, no matter what they preached! The persons were here to grab him and drag him off to their weird smelling room with the eye-prier, or the lab with the creature that was everywhere.

They were going to pick him apart just like HYDRA had done!

“Loki!”

He tried to jank his arm away, fighting his new attacker, and he was vaguely aware of his teeth clattering.

“Loki? Loki! Come on, you have to snap out of it!” the man commanded.

Snap out of what? There was no snapping out of anything. This was just daily business as it always had been. He had had a chance to bring one of his captors down, but the new guard was too strong.

“No!,” Loki shouted. “No, no! NO!”

He trashed in the other’s grip and he kicked out, missing his assailant completely. In this frenzied state his energy-reading was fuzzy and sometimes even completely off. All he had to go by where those hands that held him in a vice-like grip and he kicked out again.

This time he connected with the body, but his captor was resilient and didn’t let go. The man even swiped Loki’s legs from under him and pinned him to the floor on his back, his arms and legs rendered useless as he didn’t have the strength to stave the man off.

“No!” Loki screamed. “No! You promised.  _ You promised! _ ”

_ “You promised I was free to go!” he shouted as rough hands tightened their grip around his arms. He trashed, trying to fight the hands off as they dragged him through what he presumed was a hall. _

_ He had done as they asked, he had performed tricks as if he was a monkey. He had answered their questions, let them pry at his eyes and they had said he was free to go as he pleased. _

They had said they bore him no ill-will. They had said they weren’t going to hurt him! They had lied to him and Loki had believed them.

He had believed them…

_ The strong hands let him go and he fell face-first to the floor. Before he could get up a foot landed between his shoulders blades, pinning him to the cold concrete. _

_ “Stop trashing you scum,” the man growled and increased the pressure. _

_ He struggled to breathe. “Please,” he begged pathetically. _

_ The pressure on his back receded as the foot fell away, but instead it was replaced by a flaring pain as he got kicked in the ribs. “Turn around!” _

_ He did as he was told and the boot was back on his chest, his ribs protesting at the pressure. “No!” _

“No, no, no, no,” he pleaded whimpering. Loki still tried to trash in the other’s grip, but his resolve was weakening.

“Loki, snap out of it. I’m not going to hurt you,” the man calmly said.

Tears were burning Loki’s blind eyes. “You promised,” he whimpered. “You promised.”

_ “You promised,” he wept, repeating the words as a mantra. _

_ “Silence!” the man barked and to emphasize the words another sharp flare of a kick in the ribs followed. _

_ Immediately he stopped babbling his mantra, but he couldn’t prevent the little noises of fright and pain that escaped the back of his throat. _

_ “You were promised nothing. You get nothing because you  _ are  _ nothing,” the man snarled. _

_ Then, the boot shifted and he felt a heavy weight on top of him, his limbs immobilized by something he couldn’t define. It was probably going to hurt. It always hurt. _

_ To his shame he whimpered. _

Silent sobs made the tears that had gathered in his eyes glide down his face and then he went limp, surrendering to his fate. His will to survive and avoid pain had faded away and there would be no reason to continue the struggle. It wouldn’t be any different. It never would! They had lied and he had lost. If he struggled, things would only get worse.

“You got it out of your system?” the other asked him, but Loki didn’t respond, his breathing coming in fast, shallow gasps. “Loki, listen. I’m not going to hurt you. You were having a nasty memory and a panic attack, sending your body and mind into overdrive. You’re safe. Nobody’s going to hurt you, it was just a trick of your mind.”

Loki still didn’t respond, the air in his lungs not enough to answer and he was still trembling violently in the other’s grasp.

“Do you understand what I explained? Just nod or shake your head.”

Loki cringed at the command and squeezed his eyes shut. Then he nodded.

It made sense. The erratic beating of his heart told him something like a rush of adrenaline had coursed through his veins and the other had spoken the truth. He could sense it, he was the God of Lies, but why had he even doubted what they had said before? Why had he suddenly doubted his own judgement? If he couldn’t trust himself, then what would there be left?

The questions made him nauseous.

“Good. I’m going to let you go and I don’t want you to attack someone again. There is no need for it because you’re safe. Okay?”

Loki nodded again and the man did as he had promised.

Immediately he scurried away from the man, pressing his back against the wall and drawing his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself small.

“I’ll be right back,” the man said and Loki felt him leave.

He heard the voices of a brief conversation between the man and, apparently, a woman. They both returned.

“J.A.R.V.I.S. alerted me that you were attacking someone,” the man said. “What happened?”

“That is my fault, Mister Rogers,” the woman near the door said. “I am so, so sorry,” she pleaded. “I wanted to wake Mister Loki so I could vacuum under his bed and change his bedding, it was the last thing I needed to do, but- but…” She let out a sob. “I didn’t think you would attack me, I just wanted to wake you, Mister Loki. I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have disturbed you.”

The woman clearly sounded upset - a feeling Loki shared, though he loathed to admit that.

Why was she apologizing? He had lashed out, he had attacked his captor, it was only logical he would get punished now. 

_ The bones in the hand that collided with his face cracked under the impact. As the man howled in agony, he only hissed through his teeth. He had pain far worse and it would take a lot more before they would break him. _

_ “He broke me hand!” the other man exclaimed. _

_ He could barely discern the man through his half-blind eyes, let alone see the look the man gave him, but it was undoubtedly venomous. _

_ “Loki, apologize!” someone else commanded. _

_ A raspy, maniacal laugh escaped from deep within his chest and he spat the blood that had gathered in his mouth on the floor.  _ He _ should apologize? Were these humans insane? “I shall not,” he said defiant. “How am I to blame that he is so feeble that his brittle bones break?” _

_ “You vile creature!” the man with the broken hand said. “You did something. Cooked something up or magic, or whatever you did. This is  _ your  _ fault!” _

_ He barked another laugh. “Weak and pathetic human,” he spat (quite literally). “I have not done-” _

_ Before he could finish his sentence he saw a blurry shape of something nearing his face with rapid speed - a fist - and pain blossomed from his nose throughout his entire skull. He could feel the warm blood run over his upper-lip and he was momentarily shocked, stars swimming in front of his half-blind eyes. _

_ The pathetic human had made him bleed! _

_ “That is for breaking my hand,” the man growled and hit him again. _

_ “Loki, apologize!” the other person demanded again. _

_ “I see no need for that,” he said nonchalantly. Damn, the man had hit him hard enough to make him sound nasal! _

_ “You  _ will _ apologize,” the other said. “And no, that isn’t a threat, it’s a promise.” _

Why was the woman even here? J.A.R.V.I.S. had told him the cleaners would come tomorrow, not today. And the A.I. would let him know before they would arrive, wouldn’t it?

“Maya, it’s okay,” the man next to Loki said and he could feel the other get to his feet. “It isn’t your fault. You were only trying to do your job. Please, go to the medical bay to for a check up and take the remainder of the day off. We’ll tidy Loki’s room ourselves.”

Loki still hated it when people spoke about him as if he wasn’t in the room, but he didn’t dare to oppose the man.

“Thank you, Mister Steve Captain America,” the woman said, drawing a laugh from the man. Then she addressed Loki. “And Mister Loki, once again, I am truly so sorry.”

_ “I am sorry!” he pleaded, no longer able to bear another shock. _

_ “Sorry for what?” the other asked. _

_ He was silent and the machine turned on again. He screamed. He didn’t know how long, but everything hurt. Then the pain stopped and he was panting heavy. _

_ “For what?” the other inquired. _

_ It hadn’t been his fault. He had never asked to be beaten up, but it would never be over if he didn’t answer. “For breaking his hand!” _

_ “Good. Now you have apologized we can start on your punishment.” _

_ The machine hummed to live again. “I am sorry, I am sorry. Please, stop!” he wailed. “PLEASE!” _

Loki pressed his lips together and gave a trembling nod because he wasn’t able to get a word out of his throat. He had also forgotten as to why he was nodding; probably something the woman had said, but the memory-flash had driven her words out of his mind.

The fading footsteps indicated that the woman had left and that left Loki alone in the room with… Steve?

“Mr. Loki,” the building’s creature suddenly piped up. “I am sorry as well, sir. I tried to wake you, but you were fast asleep. I instructed Miss Maya not to clean underneath the bed.”

Loki swallowed in a vain attempt to get the lump in his throat away. It didn’t help and made his voice raw when he spoke. “You said they would come tomorrow.”

“It is tomorrow. You have slept for twenty-eight hours,” replied J.A.R.V.I.S..

“Oh,” was all Loki had to say to that and rubbed his trembling hands over his face.

“Can I get you a glass of water?” the human asked.

Loki shook his head.

“Anything else?”

He thought about that for a moment. Before he had fallen asleep he had wanted a book. He was also quite hungry, but his stomach had locked itself and the thought alone of food made him sick.

There wasn’t anything the other could get for him. Nothing would help him nor soothe him. He didn’t want anything, and that was the brutal reality; he didn’t know what he wanted. He felt utterly and completely lost.

The great God of Mischief had lost his purpose in life. HYDRA had taken it from him and had made him a hollow shell. He wasn’t even a ghost from who he had been before - there was nothing left. He wasn’t even able to rely on himself anymore.

Loki stiffened as a hand landed on his shoulder and drew him back to the present. It was only now that he noticed that tears were streaming down his face. He was trembling violently, but that wasn’t something new.

“It’s okay,” the man said and Loki could feel him sag down next to him to sit on the floor. “This is hard, I understand,” the man said calmly. “When I got out of the ice I had memories of a former life that never would exist again and I had to learn everything in this modern world. I still was who I had been, but I… I don’t know. In some weird way I still had to rediscover myself again. Or invent anew; it depends on your perspective.”

The lump in his throat was back and Loki swallowed. He was torn between wanting to say something and remain silent.

He didn’t know what to say.

The man patted him on the shoulder and got to his feet. “I’ll leave you alone for a bit. Bruce will come by later to… check on you.”

Loki nodded and the man left. The moment the door fell shut and he was alone, bitter tears streamed down his face, the stress catching up on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know this latter part was confusing (especially if you skip the flashbacks), but it was meant to be confusing. Memories and reality begin the blur together and Loki also doesn’t have an exact clue as to what has happened.  
> Thank you all for you support and keep the comments going, please. They give me the motivation to write this.  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you skip the flashbacks, but I seriously advice you to read the first one (which is in multiple pieces), otherwise some things will not make a lot of sense.

Not a lot of time had passed since Steve had left, and it had taken Loki some time to pull himself together, but eventually he had made his way to the couch in his cell. Of course, the boredom had hit again and there had been nothing to remedy it than his churning mind.

His stomach growled.

“J.A.R.V.I.S., I'm hungry,” Loki admitted with a sigh.

“I'm not surprised, sir. You haven't eaten in… Well, you haven’t eaten properly since you’ve arrived here except for two jars of chocolate paste,” the creature replied dutiful as ever.

Loki went silent. He wanted to snarl at the creature that he didn’t ask for that response, that it was useless answer, but he still feared the A.I. a bit and he figured it was better not to aggravate the creature too much.

Luckily the creature was smart enough - Loki hadn’t expected anything else from a thing that was an artificial intelligence - and said, “there is some food in the fridge and the cabinets. I’m not sure what you like, but I suggest eating cornflakes with milk.”

Loki didn’t know what cornflakes were and he wasn’t very inclined on finding out. It sounded disgusting. Also, he lacked the will to go through the hassle of making it. “Any other suggestions?”

“There is a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table.”

_ That _ got his interest and he got up from the couch to find out what fruits were waiting in the bowl.

Most of them felt or smelled familiar, and when his hand skimmed over an apple he felt a pang of glee. He hadn’t had an apple in so long and the fruit reminded him immediately of Idunn’s apples. Of course he hadn’t had a lot of those in his life either, but on rare festivities they had sometimes been there.

He snatched the apple from the bowl and took a bite. Immediately he was disappointed by the taste; the apple didn’t taste like they did on Asgard. Their flavor was more dull and it contained less juice. Still, he was overwhelmed by the strong taste.

The fruit evoked memories of great feasts in the halls of the palace and he felt a little pang of homesickness, which was a little odd seeing that Asgard was no longer his home.

It never had been.

And he was sure he would never have a home again.

Loki sat down on the couch and ate the entire apple, including the core, lost in his thoughts about Asgard and its great feasts when someone knocked on the door.

“Loki?” the muffled voice on the other end asked. “Can I come in?”

“As if it is my decision to make,” he mumbled.

“What?” the man on the other side of the door asked.

Loki sighed. He still didn’t understand why his captors asked his permission, but if he wasn’t going to give it they probably wouldn’t be pleased either.

“Yes!” he said a little louder and a moment later he could hear the door open. He could feel the insecurity radiating of the man as he tentatively approached while the door fell shut.

“How are you?” the man asked, the uncertainness bleeding through in his voice.

Loki sighed again. He tired of these questions. What did it matter? He was nothing but a prisoner, it didn’t matter how he felt, yet, they kept persisting. He didn’t want to linger on the subject and thus, with forced politely he asked, “what can I do for you?”

“I- ah, Steve said you had another panic attack,” the man said, and Loki could feel the couch dip as the other sat down.

Loki fumbled with his hands as he cast his blind eyes downwards. “That is not why you are here,” he remarked barely audible.

He could feel the other shift uncomfortably on the couch.

“No…” the man trailed. “But if you wish to talk about it… Or, ah- I just want to see how you’re doing.”

Talk about it? That was preposterous!

First of all, it didn’t matter how he felt or if he was in pain. He was a captive, an object to be used, and nothing more.

Secondly, even if he tried they would hurt him because that always happened. HYDRA had done so, Odin had done so and even Thor had. The moment he opened up someone had been there to kick him down. It wasn’t even worth trying.

And thirdly, even if he did, what was he going to tell the man? That he relived his tortures constantly? That the memories were so real that sometimes he could still feel it? That his reality was shifting and the past mixed with the present?

No! The man would either be creeped out or - more likely - intrigued and wanted to experiment on him as well. He also hadn’t been ordered and thus he wasn’t going to talk. Not if he got the choice.

“I would rather not,” Loki replied curtly.

The man was silent for a moment and then said, “okay,” sounding disappointed. “However, I’m here to check up on you.”

Loki’s brows furrowed in confusion. Hadn’t he just said he didn’t want to talk? Then it dawned on him that this was the ‘Bruce’ that Steve had referred to earlier and that the check-up had probably nothing to do with talking.

“I want to see how your sight is recovering to keep an ah- eye on it.” He was silent for a moment, and so was Loki, and thus he hesitantly added, “so we don’t get complications later.”

Loki’s throat suddenly felt dry and a weight seemed to press on his chest as he had trouble breathing. He didn’t want the other pry at him again like he was some test-animal, but he wasn’t sure he could refuse. Maybe he also didn’t want to refuse because he harbored a little spark of curiosity himself.

He swallowed the dryness in his throat, but still his voice was shaky when he asked, “here?”

“Well, preferable in the medical bay, but I understand if you’d rather stay here.”

Loki thought about that. He didn’t like that medical place of theirs - too many bad memories, not to mention that it smelled awful. On the other hand, if something nasty happened it would hunt him in his own cell too, the only safe place he had and where…  _ less _ nasty things had happened.

The nail of his index finger found the pad of his thumb to rub. “The medical bay is fine.”

“Good! I have better equipment there as well. It should be easier and quicker.”

The enthusiasm of the other made him flinch.

“Sorry.” Bruce said as he noticed Loki’s reaction.

He was back to square one again. They were going to perform tests on him and this time he had consented to it. How could he have been so stupid to dig his own grave like that?

Still, he had made his decision and he couldn’t cowar now. If he did, it would surely evoke more punishment and a shudder ran over his spine.

“Ready?” Bruce asked.

Loki nodded and got to his feet.

Bruce led the way through the facility, Loki following suit like a meek lamb, keeping his head down and not saying anything. Anxiety was looming nearby and he had to keep a peace of mind to keep it at bay.

They arrived at their destination without interruption.

“Okay, sit on that chair, please,” Bruce said and Loki could hear him rummage through cabinets and…  _ things _ while Loki did as he was told. “Would you like me to explain what I’m going to do?” Bruce asked, his voice a little muffled.

Fright made Loki’s heart leap and he quickly barked, “no!” Then he flinched. It wouldn’t do well if he angered the man, especially not moments before he was going to do something to Loki’s eyes. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips. “I mean.. I- ah. I would rather not.”

“Okay,” the man said and left it with that.

Loki’s hands found each other to fidget as a dozen questions and a dozen more fears ran through his system.

He yelped and came loose from the chair as warm fingers suddenly touched his cheek and immediately the hand fell away. He hadn’t expected the other to be completely silent and Loki hadn’t noticed his sudden approach.

“Sorry,” Bruce mumbled.

Loki gripped the armrest of the chair, his fingers digging into the leather. He felt a memory approach and struggled to fight it off.

_ His nails dug into the leather of the chair, his body going rigid with pain and the metal restrains around his limbs keeping him in place, biting painfully in his flesh. It was minor compared to- _

_ He wanted to scream. _

“Maybe I should talk a little and not just jump this on you?” the man asked, drawing Loki back to the present.

A shiver ran down his spine and then Loki nodded.

“Alright. I’m going to hold open your eyelids so I can… ah, have a look.”

Loki took a deep breath to steady himself. He could do this, he had been through worse. At least he wasn’t strapped to the chair. “Alright,” he croaked, giving the other his consent to try again.

The warm fingers were back on his eyelids and something made a clicking sound as the scientist examined his eyes.

“Well, no change compared to the last three days. Still getting pupil dilation,” the man mumbled. “Coloring of your irises is-”

_ “He heals faster than we thought he would,” the scientist concluded. _

_ Why did the man sound surprised at that? He was a God after all and he possessed healing magic - although it was meager now. _

_ “Loki.” _

_ The fuzzy splotch that was the scientist rummaged through something next to him and then the chair he was strapped in began to move, tilting backwards. _

_ “Lets try this again,” the scientist said. _

_ “Loki!” _

“Loki!”

The persistent voice of the human broke the memory and he felt the pain from his nails that had been digging into his palm. He was already trembling.

“Hey, Loki. You’re fine! What happened?” Bruce asked concerned.

Loki took a shuddering breath as it was the only thing he could do; breathe. “I-” he began, but thought the better of it. “Nothing.”

“If you need a break just say so.”

A break? That would make it even worse! “No, I would rather not.”

The other was silent for a moment and then said, “fine.”

Loki forced himself to relax again. The human wasn’t going to hurt him. He had said so. His captors hadn’t hurt him.

Yet.

“I’m going to place a machine in front of your eyes so I can have a better look, okay?”

Loki could feel a lot of metal being pushed towards him and for a moment he felt a spike of anxiety.

Breathe!

_ Breathe… _

_ Oxygen couldn’t quite reach his lungs fully. Some weird metal was placed around his eyes to keep his eyelids open. The absence of blinking to keep his eyes moist making his eyes water. _

Something cold and made of plastic nugged against his face. He didn’t know what it was, nor the purpose it served.

He had to resist the urge to ask if it would hurt. It wouldn’t do well to ask that because of course it would hurt. They always hurt him.

“Please, hold still, Loki.”

_ “Hold still or this will get very painful,” the scientist warned. _

_ Bruce was holding his eye open with one hand and the other hand hovered in front of his face, holding something he couldn’t identify. _

_ Why was the man doing this? He had said he wasn’t going to hurt him. Hadn’t he? _

_ Hadn’t he! _

_ Had he even asked if they would? _

_ A sharp pain flared through his eyeball. It stung. He wasn’t going to scream and it took every inch of willpower he had not to shiver. Then the thing that had been stuck in his eye retreated. _

_ “Good, now the other one,” the scientist - Bruce - said. _

_ He wanted to whip his head left and right, avoid whatever what was being pushed in his eye, but the warning of holding still was still fresh in his memory. _

_ His muscles ached in their rigid state and then the sharp pain stung his other eye. _

Loki let out a yelp, but quickly recovered himself, his nails digging in his palms.

“Can you see a change of darkness?” Bruce asked.

“N-no,” Loki said with a trembling voice - a trembling that matched his shivering body.

“And now?”

“No.”

Loki heard some clicking sounds and the man mumbled something intangible. Suddenly the ever present darkness that surrounded him was a little bit lighter for a couple of seconds and nasty flare of headache pounded in his skull before it was gone.

That had been weird.

“Did you see that?” came the question.

“Yes,” Loki answered carefully, not sure what to make of it.

Bruce sighed. “I can’t do that again otherwise I’ll damage your retina. That light had the same intensity as staring directly into the sun.”

The machine in front of his face was suddenly gone and he could feel the other draw near him. “You’re sight is recovering. That is-”

_ “-a problem. We blinded him for a reason. Get the acid!” _

_ No! No, no. Not again! _

_ He trashed in the chair, but a strong hand landed on his shoulder to keep him in place. _

_ “Loki, you’re fine.” _

_ No, no! He didn’t want it. Not again. _

_ Meager mortals, using him as their test-subject. He wouldn’t have it! They were going to pay for what they had done. _

_ The leather straps that held him in place were suddenly gone and his hand shot out to grab the scientist by the throat. He would squeeze the life out of Bruce then and there. He was a God and they should cower for him, not the other way around. _

_ “Loki, let go!” the warm body underneath his fingers squirmed. _

_ What? Did the man actually thought he was going to listen? Meager mortal! No! He would crush the life out of him and then he would tear down this place! He would leave a destruction in his wake they had never seen before. Nothing would go unscatched and nobody would survive! He would- _

A roar split the air and before Loki was aware he got knocked out of the chair, tumbling to the floor. It took him a moment to regain his bearings and then the feeling of rage filled the room.

Quickly Loki scrambled to his knees, trembling and cowering in his place. In the distance he could hear some sort of alarm blaring, but he paid it no heed as he focused on his immediate surroundings.

He was in danger and he needed to make a stance, now!

_ Or flee _ , his mind supplied, but he pushed the cowardly option aside.

The human was somewhere near him and had been angry enough to lash out, though Loki didn’t know why. What he did know, however, that the anger that always lingered beneath the human’s surface was bleeding out, taking up front. Even worse, it was directed at him!

Loki was no stranger to rage for he harbored a decent amount of his own, but this was something different and the voice of reason in the back of his head told him once more to run.

Suddenly a lot of things happened at once.

Loki wasn’t in time to dodge the next blow that came for him and the tumbled through the air, landing hard against a wall. At the same time people poured into the room, shouting at each other and one of the humans clearly barking orders.

He could feel someone placing themself in front of him in a protective manner, and Loki scrambled to his feet, his entire body trembling. He didn’t care. He was going to fight!

Again a roar split the air and it went through marrow and bone, instilling fear in Loki’s heart as he knew it was aimed at him.

“Clint! Get him out of here!” someone shouted.

“On it!” the person in front of Loki shouted and before he was aware a hand landed on his shoulder and was roughly steered in an unknown direction.

Loki tried to free himself from the hand, but that hand roughly shoved him down at the same time his feet got swiped out from underneath him. Something passed them with a woosh and crashed into the wall behind them.

“Get up!” Clint barked and yanked Loki to his feet none too kindly.

They stumbled out of the room, his captors still shouting and more roars and the sound of shattering things filled the air.

Clint dragged Loki along until he couldn’t stand to be touched anymore and roughly pulled himself free from the man’s grasp.

A happy ‘ding’ chimed through the hall, letting them know that the cursed metal box had arrived.

“Get in,” the other said and put a hand on Loki’s back to guide him into the elevator.

Loki heard the doors close and after a second the elevator moved.

It was only now that Loki noticed that he was trembling so violently that his teeth were rattling in his skull. All the muscles in his body were pulled taut, not to mention that his heart was pounding so hard that he thought it was trying to find a way out of his chest.

“Hey man, breathe,” Clint said.

Taking in big gulps of air Loki wondered how the other remained so calm. He had no clue what had happened.

At all!

Loki’s mind was suddenly blank and the world around him began to fall away. He was vaguely aware of a hand on his back guiding him somewhere and he barely registered a door behind them falling shut.

“Back in your chambers. You’re fine over here. The team will deal with the Hulk,” the other declared emotionless.

The familiar energy of his own cell found its way to him and Loki’s knees buckled, making him crash to the floor.

“Shit!” Clint exclaimed worried.

Again, he had been right. The game his captors played was clear to him now. They shrouded their ill intentions with good ones until they had meddled enough with his body to trigger the dark memories in his mind and making him lash out. It gave them a reason to punish him without the feeling of guilt.

Someone was calling his name, but it was too late.

Loki was already gone, retreated back into his mind to block out everything.

* * *

Clint entered the medical bay and whistled at the destruction.

Bruce was sitting on the bed, his face buried in his hands.

“Loki is back in his chambers,” Clint said, addressing no one in particular. “He did that weird fainting thing of his again. I put him in bed.”

Bruce made a strangled noise at the news and Tony put a hand on his shoulder. “Not your fault, buddy.”

“Yeah, well, it kinda is,” Bruce countered.

Silence hung thick in the air and everybody seemed at a loss what to say.

They all knew it; they had screwed up. Each and every one of them in their own way.

“Okay. We can’t let this get to us,” Tony said, suddenly uncharacteristically solemn. “Yeah, we all screwed up. We’re all thinking it, I’m just saying it,” he amended when he received some looks. “But I don’t think that has ever stopped us before. We’re just going to pick up where we left, gain Loki’s trust and keep protecting the earth as we always have. Nothing new,” he shrugged, “But some things might take a while.”

“I destroyed half of the medical bay and attacked Loki simply because he got scared and attacked me. How am I ever going to go near him again?” Bruce lamented.

“Step by step,” Steve interjected, drawing agreeing nods from the others.

“J., can you let me know when Loki wakes?” Tony asked.

“Sure thing, Sir. However, I would like to inform you that I took a quick scan of Mr. Loki. He isn’t injured and he isn’t asleep or unconscious, though he is unreachable.”

“Then what the hell is going on with him?” Clint said frustrated.

“I have done some research on the matter,” J.A.R.V.I.S. answered. “I believe Mr. Loki has found a way to put himself into a meditative trance where nothing can reach him in order to protect himself. It isn’t uncommon among prisoners who get tortured to survive what they have to endure.”

“How do we get him out?” Natasha asked.

“That, Miss Romanoff, I do not know.”

* * *

Loki had retreated himself into his mind, but he hadn’t stayed there for long. He hadn’t been in very deep either and to his dismay he got dragged out of it as someone had entered his room to check on him.

He was still lying on the bed where his captor had placed him, not having the will nor reason to get under the bed. In fact, he didn’t have any reason to get up at all!

“Loki? Are you with us?” someone - he really couldn’t care who - standing next to his bed asked.

“Yes,” he answered dutifully in a monotone voice.

He figured that if he just answered whatever questions they had, they would leave him alone as soon as possible. If it didn’t please them, he was sure they would make it known or drag him off to the Norns-know-where to do the Norns-know-what.

He really didn’t care.

“Are you feeling better?”

Feeling better?

_ Feeling _ ?

He didn’t feel anything at all! That was the blessing and the curse. Though he was sure that wasn’t the answer the other wanted to hear.

“I am well enough,” he said in that same emotion-lacking voice.

“Okay…” the other said trailing and then said. “Bruce gave you quite a scare.”

Loki didn’t respond. He hadn’t been asked a question so why should he speak?

“Have you eaten anything today?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Let J.A.R.V.I.S. know when you need something. He will arrange it or summon one of us if he you need help.”

Again Loki didn’t answer.

The other seemed to linger there for a moment, as if the person wanted to say something more, but then refrained from it and left the room.

Silence hung thickly around him and it brought back memories. Instead of fighting it, he just let it happen. What was the purpose anyway?

_ He couldn’t hear a thing. He knew people were moving around him - they should still be moving around him! - but he couldn’t hear them. _

_ Nothing. _

_ Whatever they had done to his ears, it had damaged his hearing and it would take a long time for him to recover that. Immediately he felt his heart hammer harder in his chest. _

_ If he couldn’t hear the questions his captors asked, but they still expected an answer, then he was in for a lot of punishment. They would see it as a lack of cooperation and HYDRA didn’t shy to punish him for every little thing he did or didn’t do. _

_ How were they going to communicate with someone who was blind  _ and  _ deaf? He had a rudimentary knowledge of sign language, but that wasn’t going to help him now. _

_ What was even their goal with this new form of experimentation? Or were they just being cruel for their amusement and deprive him of any sensation? What was next? His tongue? The skin on his bones? _

_ He shuddered at the latter thought. He really didn’t want the skin flailed from his bones and he was sure HYDRA had a more cruel method than he could think of. He had to give them credit for that, they were more imaginative than him, and he had a  _ very _ vivid imagination. _

_ They had proven that much whenever they choose to vivisect him. _

_ Suddenly he felt something press to the inside of his hand. It was sharp and pierced his skin, but it wasn’t extremely painful. Not in compared to everything else they had done. _

_ There was a series of short and long jabs, and then it got repeated again. _

_ When he didn’t do anything with the weird series of pain, they repeated the sequel and quickly he began to understand how they were going to communicate with him for the coming period. _

_ Morse code! _

_ He didn’t doubt they would be inventive which part of his body to use to prick him in order to talk to him. Nor did he doubt it would be the only tool they would use. _

The memory receded and Loki was assaulted by a couple of flashes of the morse code communication in different, cruel manners.

He pushed his head in the pillow, trying to rid himself of the memories, but the harder he tried, the quicker the memories came.

_ Long electrical shock, two short ones, long, short, long, short. _

_ He tried to regain his breathing. The sequence hadn’t been particularly long, but his Frost Giant blood really didn’t take kindly to electricity, it never had, and HYDRA had found a way to make sure he would suffer to a maximum. _

_ Especially the guards who came to collect him every day seemed to enjoy his suffering immensely. This time had been no different as they had cruely spelled out: ‘You’re nothing. You’ve got nothing to want. You’re ours. You’re pathetic.’ _

The memory faded from his mind and it had left him trembling. Nothing new there.

Other memories of his deafness played in his mind, wanting to take root to bring him back to those moments. Loki tried to resist. He didn’t want them. They were useless. Not to mention that he had no clue as to why this constantly happened!

It was frustrating.

Still, another memory beat his resistance.

_ ‘Time for your shower,’ the scientist tapped out on the inside of his lower arm. _

_ Shower the person had called it. Why didn’t they call it like everyone else did? A hosedown. It was what it was and by now he was used to it. No need to make it prettier than it was. _

_ The metal clasps binding his limbs fell away, rough hands already on his upper arms to take him away. _

_ His feet dragged over the floor as Steve and Tony moved him through the building. (Why did he knew the names of these man?) He was glad the men were literally dragging him, because he wasn’t able to stand on his own legs. Not after today, not with what the scientist had done to his ears and his balance organ so damaged. _

A door opening split the silence painfully and pulled him back from his deaf memory.

Blessed hearing. In the darkness it had been his savior, but HYDRA had managed to take that salvation away too. Luckily for him they had only just done it once. It probably hadn’t been worth the trouble.

An unwilling shiver ran over his spine and added itself to his already trembling body.

“Loki?” a man asked.

Ah, they were back. Probably here to ‘check’ on him again.

“Loki, can you speak?”

“Yes,” he replied curtly, still not able to put any emotion in his voice.

“I’m so sorry,” another man said.

Loki could feel the tension in the room. The one drawing near him was the one who had been so angry earlier. His heart-rate went erratic with fear. Was the eye-prier here to get angry with him again? To get his revenge because he had lashed out as reality and memory had bled together? If he was, then why was he making an apology?

“The Other Guy… He just-” the man broke off. “I’m really sorry.”

Loki nodded. He just didn’t know what to do with it. He rarely got apologies and his captor had had every reason to lash out. Not only because they were his captors and this was just the way things were, but because every person would fight back when he had done what he had done.

Whatever it had been what he had done…

“Anyway, I- ah, I’m also here to inform you about the recovery of your sight. I never got to that point because… Well, you know.”

Loki didn’t know, but he didn’t care. His blind eyes settled on the eye-prier, waiting for him to continue.

“As far as I have discovered your eyes are healing just like any wound would, though it might take a long time. It is remarkable however, because normally trauma like this wouldn’t recover. Just have patience.” Then the man was silent for a moment and added in a smaller voice, “If anything changes I would like to know from you, but I understand if you don’t want to tell  _ me _ specifically. Just… Just tell someone else in that case. We could arrange for a new doctor if you like.”

“I am your prisoner and I have nothing to want. Do as you please,” Loki replied emotionless and turned to his other side, his back to the men standing in the room.

“Loki… We’re not… I didn’t-” the eye-prier broke off and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Bruce, it’s okay,” the other man said.

Loki was vaguely aware of their silent communication behind his back and he heard a scuffling of feet.

“Again, I’m sorry,” the angry man said and then the presence of his aura was clearly gone.

Tears had formed in his eyes and Loki pressed his head into the pillow, willing them to go away. The lump that formed in his throat was painful as he tried to fight the tears. There was no reason to cry over this, but the tension in his body demanded this form of release and he couldn’t fight it back.

Behind him he felt the bed dip and he was reminded of the fact that the other man hadn’t left.

“Wanna talk about it?” the man asked.

Loki considered the question and then replied with a hoarse voice, “No.”

“Loki, if you don’t tell us what’s going on, we can’t help you,” the man tried.

“I don’t need help!” he bit venomous and turned to his other side so he was facing the other somewhat. To his shame, the tears were still rimming his eyes.

“Then what  _ do _ you need?”

Loki opened his mouth to give a snappy answer, to tell them they should just leave him alone, but the question had been genuine. They truly  _ did _ want to help him.

With a clack he closed his mouth, the tears rolling over his cheeks and he pressed his head in the pillow again to wipe them away.

Within the man’s question lay the problem and he couldn’t possibly answer it to their satisfaction. “I don’t know,” he admitted softly.

“Do you remember the conversation we had some time ago when you just had arrived? When we were testing what toppings you could eat on bread?”

Loki nodded and wondered where this was going. He did, however, remember the man’s name again.

“Well, I asked you then who you were before this and you never answered me.”

“What does it matter?” Loki asked weary.

“Because we know very little about you, other than what some stories in books say and what HYDRA…”

The man didn’t finish the sentence, but Loki had no doubt his captors had taken information about him from the organisation. If they dug deep enough they would know  _ a lot _ about him.

“I’d like to get to know you,” Steve said.

Loki sighed. “You would do well to give up on that.”

“Why? Because you think you’re not worth it? Because you think you don’t matter? Is that what HYDRA told you?” The man was getting angry now and his voice was rising with it, making Loki flinch. “Whatever HYDRA has told you, it isn’t true. You were someone before this! You were a prince, right? Just like-”

“BECAUSE I GOT CAST OUT!” Loki shouted, jolting up from the bed, tears springing back to his eyes. “I was nobody before HYDRA got to me, and I am nobody now! Why,  _ human _ , do you think HYDRA got to me in the first place?”

Well, that seemed to shut up the other nicely, though Loki couldn’t deny he truly wanted the other to say something.

Anything.

He also couldn’t deny the will to spill all that had happened; to explain why it didn’t matter. That he had been nothing more than a cast out monster before HYDRA had gotten to him.

_ Twice cast out! _

Loki gritted his teeth and he heard the man take a breath to steady himself. Just as Loki decided to tell the man J.A.R.V.I.S. spoke up. “Captain Rogers. Your friend Bucky has just been spotted.”

“Send the last known coordinates to the quinjet and alert the team,” Steve answered.

“Yes, sir.”

“Loki,” Steve said addressing him. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I wish I-”

Loki held up a hand to silence the man. “Do not stay here because of me. It is not like a have say in the matter. I am, after all, nothing more than your prisoner and I am unable to go anywhere else.”

“Loki…” the man wailed, but Loki was already lying down again on his side, pulling the blanket over his head.

* * *

“What has he been doing for the passed two days?” Tony asked now he had finally emerged from his lab again.

“Nothing. Just lying in his bed and he doesn’t want to talk,” Steve said as he was hanging on the couch, changing the channel of the television for the hundredth time.

“Has he eaten anything?”

“He seems to live on a consistent diet of fruit and air,” Steve sighed and turned the television off.

Tony flopped down next to the Captain. “Damn, we really have to get something more constructive in that guy. This is not healthy.”

“Yeah, but he doesn’t want to eat. Says he’s not hungry. At least he’s eating something.”

Tony nodded.

“With all due respect, but maybe it is time to have him do something,” J.A.R.V.I.S. said, joining the conversation. “If he’s lying around all day doing nothing, of course he won’t be hungry.”

“Any suggestion, J.?” Stark asked.

“How about take him outside? I think some fresh air would do him good. He seemed to enjoy the roof.”

“I think I have a better idea than the roof,” Steve said, pushing himself up from the couch. “Tony, you’re coming with.”

* * *

“Okay, Loki. Time to get up and get dressed. We’re going out,” a man declared as the door to his cell was pushed open.

Loki recognized the man as the one called Steve, though he didn’t acknowledge him and just stayed curled up in his pile of blankets on his bed.

He didn’t know what was happening to him and why he was feeling so lifeless, but at least he hadn’t scrambled back under the bed since the cleaner incident.

He also had had very few flashbacks of his time at HYDRA, but Loki had quickly concluded that had been due to the fact that he didn’t do anything all day. There was nothing to trigger the memories and he was glad for it.

Still, doing nothing all day and with only his mind to occupy him, a dull feeling had been left behind in his soul.

“Come on, Loki” another man coaxed. “You can’t stay here all day and Steve has decided we could both use some fresh air.”

Loki sighed and rolled to his back - a good as sign as any that he was willing to trade a couple of words with the men. “Is it an order or a request?”

“A request,” Steve answered.

“In that case I gracefully decline,” Loki said monotone and rolled back to his side.

“Then it’s an order,” the other man said agitated. “Get up. Get dressed. You got ten minutes.”

“Tony, what th-” Steve began, but he got clearly interrupted. A scuffling of feet followed and then the door closed with a soft click. Loki rolled to his back again and took a deep breath.

An order…

Already his mind was happily supplying all the possibilities of punishment if he chose to ignore it. Seeing he sorely wanted to avoid that, he forced himself off the bed and to his feet, making for the bathroom.

Loki got in the shower, resting his head against the cool tiles.

He didn’t particularly want to go with his captors. ‘Fresh air’ was probably another word for… Well, whatever cruel experiment they would come up with, but he’d rather go on his own accord then getting dragged along.

It struck him that this ‘fresh air’ thing could probably be the last he would do. If it was another way of saying they were going to put him out of his misery Loki rather had had they had said that. Then again, if they were going to kill him, then why allow for a shower?

With a sigh the turned off the water and quickly dried himself. When he made for his discarded and dirty clothing on the floor J.A.R.V.I.S. suddenly spoke up. “Mr. Loki. There is fresh clothing for you on the bed.”

“Am I expected to wear it?” he asked in that emotionless voice that had taken fully hold of him.

“Yes.”

Loki sighed and made for the bedroom and after feeling around for a bit he indeed found the new clothes. They were soft, though he had no clue what they looked like, but he hardly cared.

He put the clothes on - with some help of J.A.R.V.I.S. who said he had to turn around his shirt because it was backwards - and opened the door to the living area of his cell.

“That was fifteen minutes,” Tony said jokingly.

Loki failed to see the humor in it and even flinched as if he had been chastised. Not executing orders to the satisfaction of his captors often meant punishment. He clenched his hands into fists and lowered his head as he waited for the blow.

It never came.

It never did.

These new captors didn’t punish straight away or like HYDRA had done and it made Loki antsy. He didn’t know what to expect, didn’t understand their rules and didn’t know when he did something wrong. It was completely random and he hated it because it frightened him.

“Okay, let’s go,” Tony said happily. “You brought your walking stick, Lokes?”

Loki furrowed his brow, not understanding the reference, but he remained silent. He didn’t need a clarification and asking too many questions wasn’t good behavior either.

Maybe once, a lifetime ago, he would have asked, but not now.

“Tony, I don’t think he gets the reference,” Steve said who was already standing next to Loki. “Come on,” he said gently and laid his hand on Loki’s lower back to guide him.

Immediately Loki went rigid and quickly took a few steps in an unknown direction - anything to get the hand from his being.

“Sorry,” Steve said.

Loki sensed that both men had already made for the door and he took a deep breath before following them.

Without a word they made their way through the building where he was held captive.

The silence gave him time to think as he almost mindlessly followed his captors. He didn’t even question where they were taking him because it didn’t matter. Soon they would kill him though he didn’t know how.

He had once seen that it was Midgardian custom to put someone on their knees, blindfold them and put a bullet through their brain. It would save them the trouble of the blindfold seeing he was already blind, and though he might once have been able to summon forth a shield that would be unpentratable to such Midgardian devices, he wasn’t now.

At least it would be quick, unlike in Asgard where the execution would be public and meant an executioner with an axe or a noose. It had been centuries since that last had happened, but from what Loki remembered from the last time it was quite a spectacle. The offender would be brought to a platform where all their crimes would be recited followed by the sentence the court had decided on. It was a shameful and humiliating way to die.

With the always happy ‘ding’ from the metal box they reached an unfamiliar place and Loki was drawn from his thoughts. He could sense they were below the building, somewhere underground. He could feel the earth behind the thick concrete of the place and it smelled hummy and faul.

It was a dreadful place to die, but at least they were already underground. It was a very fitting place for an execution for someone like him; Loki had already resigned to that faith. No large crowds, no long lists of all his misdeeds - which would be a long list indeed and would eventually bore the audience because it was so long - no court, just him and his captors. At least it would save them a coffin though Loki truly wondered how they were going to dig a grave with all this concrete surrounding him. If  _ they _ were going to dig his grave, that was. The odds were that they would let him dig his own grave with nothing but his bare hands.

Suddenly they came to a stop and Loki almost bumped into the man before him. Something beeped, followed by a sound of something unlocking.

“Okay, hop in, Lokes,” Tony exclaimed with that still too happy tone of his.

Loki could sense the heap of metal and other raw materials in front of him, though he seriously had no clue what it was nor what the man wanted from him. How was he to approach the ‘hop in’? It was clear the other expected some action from him, but he would need some more explanation as to what it was. For all Loki knew he had to take a dive down a chute.

“Hop in what, exactly? And how?” he asked with a trembling voice.

Oh, Norns, he was trembling again. How long had that been going on?

“The car, of course,” Tony said as if it was the most normal thing in the world. “Never been in a car?”

Loki shook his head. He had never been in a car, but he knew what the devices looked like and how they worked. At least he knew how to proceed.

Before the other would come to close to help him, Loki had already found the door handle and janked the door open. Once he was seated inside straps snaked around his body, locking him in place.

The men got in the car and not soon after the engine roared to life and the vehicle was moving.

_ His hands and feet were chained and rough hands gave him a push, making him stumble. _

_ “Listen up, you scum. If you move out of line, make any attempt at all at anything, you’ll be punished so severely you’ll wish you were never born. Understood?” _

_ Well, that was a little bit vague since he didn’t know what was going to happen, but he nodded nonetheless. Then those rough hands were gripping his upper-arms and he was guided through the complex. _

_ He didn’t know where they were going, but it wasn’t a route he had ever walked before. He had a fair knowledge of the layout of the place because through time he had made a map in his head. This section was new. _

_ His footsteps that had been whispers on the cool concrete became whispers on metal - the new coldness tickling his naked feet. The rough hands pushed him in a seat and his legs, arms and torso got strapped in. _

_ Was this some sort of new chair? A new place with new experiments? Where was this going? _

_ He heard metal grating over metal followed by a faint hum of an engine roaring to life. Before he was aware the chair (and the entire device he was in) was moving. _

_ Ah! They were transporting him. _

Not able to see where they were going and thus unable to anticipate curves, Loki got jostled through the car, the only thing keeping him in place the straps around his body. Soon, that faded too and without anyone saying anything - except for something in the background that could not pass as music, but probably was - Loki was left to his thoughts again.

So they weren’t going to kill him in the dreadful place underneath the building, but they were taking him somewhere else. It made sense; if he was going to kill someone while he didn’t want anyone to know about it he would also seek a better spot to dump a body, and it was a lot more convenient if said body could walk themselves to their final destination.

“Here we are,” Tony said as the car came to a stop. “It isn’t the most beautiful day with such a grey sky, but at least it has stopped raining.”

Loki was fumbling with his hands which got interrupted as the strap suddenly pulled back over his body and by the sound of slamming doors, the other two men had already gotten out.

He took a deep breath to steady his nerves before he opened the door. There was no use in delaying the inevitable and maybe he would finally be relieved of this torment that his life was.

“Welcome to New York Central Park, Loki,” Steve said who was waiting for him by the door as he got out of the car.

Immediately Loki’s nostrils were tickled with the smell of ozone that lingered after a rainstorm. He could hear people talking, children screaming in glee and in the background the faint sound of the busy city.

“Okay Lassie, you can go wherever you like, but don’t run off,” Tony joked and Loki could hear Steve sigh.

Still, Loki didn’t make a move and simply waited for the men to coax him in a direction.

As they walked Loki could smell other things that had initially been shrouded by the smell of ozone. There was a small hint of crispiness in the air betraying an oncoming cold, the earthy whiff of leaves that were beginning to rot and even the mushrooms that were slowly beginning their cycle of life.

His boots crunched on the pavement, little twigs snapping underneath his boots and the sound of laughter and glee coming from all directions.

For the first time since a very long time Loki felt as if he could breathe again; as if the neverending dampness of cells and the biting smell of chemicals left his system.

Loki hadn’t noticed he had stopped walking until Tony tried to get his attention. “Hey, Lokes! Why did we stop?”

Quickly his hands found each other and Loki was fidgeting again. The question was almost burning the tip of his tongue, but still he didn’t dare to ask. With a sigh he let his head hang and closed his eyes.

“Loki, if you don’t speak to us we can’t help you. Remember what I told you about wanting to get to know you?” Steve asked softly.

Loki nodded.

“Come on, tell me.”

“You are…” Loki licked his lips before taking another deep breath to ask his question. “You are not going to kill me?” He almost flinched at how small his own voice sounded, how utterly desperate and foolish.

“Where did you get  _ that _ idea?” Tony exclaimed before Steve could answer, making Loki flinch. “Is that what is going on in your mind? That we’re going to kill you? Are you-”

“Tony, please,” Steve interrupted the other man’s tirade. “No, Loki. We’re not going to kill you. Why would you think we’d do that?”

“I just asked that,” Tony mumbled dismayed.

Loki’s fumbling hands briefly clenched into fists before he relaxed them again, willing himself to say the words. He wasn’t able to keep his voice from rising a bit and posing his answer more as a question than the conclusion it was. “Because I am useless and a broken piece of equipment.”

“We’re not going to use you for anything or hurt you. How many times do we have to tell you that?” Tony growled frustrated.

Loki’s head whipped up in the direction of the man. “Then what  _ are _ you going to do?” he asked desperately, tears springing in his eyes.

If they weren’t going to mold and try to use him like HYDRA had done, then what was his purpose? Why were they keeping him around? He didn’t do anything in return, delivered nothing, was a nobody and only drained their resources. Why, for the Norns sake, would they keep him around? It wasn’t that he was any fun either or a good companion to talk to - though he might once have been. He was nothing more than the parasite he had always been and nobody had wanted. First Laufey, then Odin, HYDRA and now them.

“Right now you’re going to take a deep breath,” Steve said as he put a hand on Loki’s shoulder, drawing him from his dark thoughts. He was shaking again and his nails were digging painfully in his palms, tears streaming unbidden down his cheeks.

This time he didn’t shake the hand off, the effort was too much and it was a minor nauseance compared to the shame he was feeling due to his break-down. It also strangely helped him to ground himself, reeling in the tangled mess of emotions.

He took a couple of deep breaths and nodded weakly.

“Good,” Steve complimented him and again Loki felt as if he was being treated like a child. The hand fell from his shoulder and Steve continued. “Now we’re going to have a walk in the park. You can go wherever you like, you may speak if you want but you don’t have to. After that we’ll get some lunch and then we’ll see. Okay?”

Loki nodded again, still taking in deep gulps of air and wiped the tears of his face with the back of his hand.

“We’re going to take it one step at the time, day by day. We are, however, not going to hurt you, use you, turn you into a weapon or kill you. Is that clear, Loki?”

The sternness with which Steve had spoken made Loki flinch briefly, but the man had spoken truthfully.

For the first time Loki found that he was believing the man even though they had already said it to him many times. So, so many times.

Maybe they did want to help him. Maybe the torment was finally over. Maybe he would get the chance to regain something from his former self, be the God again he once used to be.

“Lead the way, Loki. Wherever you want to go,” Steve said and Loki could hear the smile in his voice.

“Be careful though. We don’t want you to walk into any trees or fall into a pond,” Tony quipped jokingly.

Loki flinched at the remark, but then found his lips tugging at the corners into a small smile. He had to admit, even though the man was brusque, he also had a witty sense of humor Loki could appreciate.

He stood for a moment, drinking in his surroundings of the park before he moved one foot in front of the other.

Strangely enough, that first step felt lighter than any step had felt in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter might take a couple of weeks to get published due to circumstances. Again I want to thank everyone for your ravenous comments, please keep them coming as they motivate me to write and make my heart soar.  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the sake of plot and story, I’m going to speed things up for a bit. And ah… I’m so, so sorry…

Ten days had passed since the incident with the Hulk. Ten days since the last sighting of the Winter Soldier. Eight days since Steve and Tony had taken Loki to the park, and eight days since anyone had had an actual conversation with him.

The Avengers had often taken Loki outside. He mostly preferred the roof, but once in a while they had been able to persuade Loki to take a walk in the park. He still wasn’t eating as he should, but at least he no longer lived on a solid diet of apples. As long as they made sure his refrigerator and cabinets were stocked and he didn’t have to do anything to prepare the food, he would eat some of it. Marginally.

The Avengers were sitting in the meeting room all listening to Bruce who just came back from seeing Loki.

“His eyes are healing properly. I don’t know at which rate or if it will stop healing at a certain point, but I remain hopeful that he will regain full sight within a couple of months. Loki has told me he can see the difference between day and night.”

“The guy is obviously having a severe depression,” Tony said and crossed his arms. “Should we get him a therapist?”

Clint scoffed at the notion. “I thought you said no S.H.I.E.L.D. and he hardly wants to talk to us, let alone to stranger.”

“Our only hope is to find Thor,” Steve interjected. “I think he is our best shot. He knows Loki best and maybe they can help him on Asgard.”

“Are we seriously going to ignore his mental problems because he is an alien and we think our therapists won’t be able to help him?” Tony asked incredulous.

“We’re not ignoring him,” Steve said peeved. “We’re just-”

“Making the decision for him,” Natasha interrupted. “Just like HYDRA has done. Just like we’ve been doing for the passed weeks.”

Silence hung thick in the air as everyone felt the truth of that statement.

“So, we’re just going to ask him if he wants to talk to some total stranger about all the shit he’s been through for the last five years? Who is, in his opinion, nothing but a feeble human?” Clint bit nasty. “With all the fucking respect, I don’t think we can persuade him, let alone find a shrink who’d be willing to try this. Let’s not forget that we’re talking about a thousand year old alien who was around when the damn plague was still a problem.”

“I hate to say it, but I’m with Legolas here. Face it, we’re out of our league in this one,” Tony said and rubbed his face.

“Sir, if I may?” J.A.R.V.I.S. suddenly spoke. “I think I might be able to explain it to Loki. We have been having a couple of conversations over the last weeks and I think he might listen to me.”

Everyone gave each other a look and shrugged.

“Might as well try it J..”

* * *

Loki was lying on his bed, staring at a ceiling he couldn’t see. At least his sight made some progress, he could differ between day and night now because the darkness of the day was lighter than the darkness of the night, but he still feared that the recovery would just stop at a certain point.

He also hadn’t slept underneath his bed anymore, but that had brought a new problem; he didn’t want to get out of bed anymore either.

Not because the mattress was so soft or because the blankets comforted him, but because he lacked any will and reason to get out. All his life he had known who he was; Loki, God of Mischief and Lies, Sorcerer, Prince of Asgard and heir to the throne. Odin had shattered that brutally and after that things had gone south.

When HYDRA had captured him he had known who he was; a prisoner, a weapon, bringer of the new order and a monster.

Now even  _ that _ was gone. His new captors didn’t want anything from him, didn’t  _ need  _ anything from him, and he couldn’t  _ give  _ them anything. His Seidr was still gone, he was as blind as a bat and Loki felt no more than a parasite.

He had become even less than a monster…

They tried though, these Avengers. They invited him to join their meals which he always declined and they made sure he ate without forcing him. They came to speak with him and took him outside. Even though it made him feel like a dog on a leash, the latter was one of the few things that brought him some sliver of happiness, but it never lasted. Once he got back to his chambers and was alone, he felt empty and hollow.

He also noticed that whenever he returned to his chambers after the ‘fresh air time’ that his room had been cleaned. He could feel the residue of the mortal woman who cleaned his chambers - the same one he had tried to kill some time ago. Apparently she didn’t mind cleaning his chambers as long as he wasn’t around. He understood that.

Another thing was that Loki couldn’t even begin to think of a way on making himself useful. He had no Seidr, he couldn’t see and he lacked the energy for… well,  _ everything  _ actually. Even taken a shower proved to be too much some days.

The worst thing, however, was that it confused him. He didn’t understand why he felt like this and he hadn’t been able to come up with an explanation either. He laid awake at night pondering his predicament, but the answer remained shrouded in shadows.

“Mr. Loki?” J.A.R.V.I.S. asked. “Are you awake?”

J.A.R.V.I.S. was the only one he ever spoke to. He didn’t fear the A.I. as much as he used to and was actually glad for his help. Loki had found that he could communicate with the computer a lot easier. The A.I. was perceptive and able to answer without his emotion getting the better of him - unlike all the other residents of this place.

“Yes, J.A.R.V.I.S.. I am,” he answered polite.

Another benefit was that he didn’t have to put up some resemblance of social protocol. He could just lie on his side or on his stomach while speaking with the A.I.. It cost him less energy and he didn’t have to search for the source of the one who had spoken.

He knew that when he addressed someone his eyes often weren’t correctly settled on the person, though it was probably only a fraction off. Nobody had ever said anything about it, but as he tried to chase down something of his former self it was a thing that aggravated him.

“Sir, have you ever heard of a psychiatrist?”

Loki furrowed his brows, raking his brain. “No, I have not. What is it?”

“A psychiatrist is a physician who specializes in the diagnosis, prevention, study, and treatment of mental disorders,” J.A.R.V.I.S. explained. “This includes the healing of the mind after a traumatic event.”

Loki nodded even as his brows knitted further. “How does it work?”

Dutiful as ever J.A.R.V.I.S. explained. “The psychiatrist will talk to the person who seeks counsel from them to make an initial assessment. They will look at both mental and physical health after which they will make a diagnose.

“After assessing your condition, the psychiatrist may prescribe medication or recommend other treatments, such as counselling. They will focus on specific parts of that problem, or the problems, to help the person with finding solutions.”

“And what am I to do with that information?” Loki asked as he was already getting a feeling where this was going.

“We could arrange that treatment for you if you like,” came the expected reply.

_ Groggily he opened his eyes, and even though he couldn’t see it helped him to focus his mind. Strange, that when even blind one could be so dependent on something as opening their eyes without actually seeing. _

_ He made a quick assessment of his situation. He could feel things embedded in his skin, in his veins, his limbs were bound and an unfamiliar tang of metal mixed with chemicals filled the air. _

_ He shifted a little to test how his body would respond and immediately he regretted it. Pain shot up through his spine and a thousand wounds, tiny and more lethal alike, flared to life and screamed their protest. Fractured and broken bones, internal bleedings, lacerations, cuts, bruises, and most prominent of all a pain in his skull with a headache that threatened to plunge him back into nothingness. _

_ He didn’t remember what had happened. All he knew was that there had been a lot of pain. Different kinds of pain.  _

_ Falling. _

_ He remembered falling and hitting a hard surface. _

_ Or had he been flying? _

_ He remembered a strong hand in his hair and pulling him up right. _

_ He remembered something sharp and blunt hitting his face. And it had hit him again. _

_ And again. _

_ And again… _

_ He remembered electricity, blunt trauma, sharp pain and someone beating him as if he was naught but a punch bag. _

_ “Hold still, Loki,” a female person said. _

_ He didn’t want to do as he was told, but he did. It was as much as obeying the command as not wanting to move due to the pain. Still, the woman who had spoken had commanded him in a kind manner and not like the other HYDRA scientists often did. _

_ That was also strange. Why would she do that? Why would she care for his well-being? Nobody did.  _ He _ barely did… _

_ He let out a ragged breath, his throat raw and his mouth without moisture. _

_ “You almost died two days ago,” came the woman’s calm and soothing voice again. “The treatment is almost over.” _

_ Something entered his veins, his body jerked, the pain lessened and then his mind went black. _

With a jerk he was back in reality, minor tremors wrecking his body. It took him a split-second to remember the conversation he had been having before the memory had surfaced. “No!” Loki said resolutely, his mind already made up. “Besides, I do not need a physician because I am not sick or wounded.”

“Sir, with all due respect, you are. I think it would be good for you to talk to someone,” J.A.R.V.I.S. tried.

“No!” Loki answered sternly. “I am already talking to you and the Avengers.”

“That might be, sir, but none of us is a doctor of that kind and I th-”

“NO!” Loki shouted, bolting upright in his bed and fixing the ceiling with an angry, blind glare. “Out of the question, J.A.R.V.I.S.. I have been enough prodded and pried at to last a lifetime!”

“They’re not going to prod and pry at you, Sir, but talk.”

Loki let out a frustrated growl and laid down again, not even bothering to answer the A.I..

It was  _ not  _ going to happen! He wasn’t sick, all his wounds had healed and his eyesight was getting better. Why would he need a physician? It was preposterous! And did they truly thing these Midgardians were apt enough to help  _ him _ ?

Unless the Avengers forced him, he wouldn’t have it!

* * *

“Told you he was going to say no,” Clint said and gave Natasha a self-satisfied grin.

“So, what?” Tony asked. “Now we’re going to be hands off?”

“No, we’re still going to help him,” Steve answered as he crossed his arms. “I think he needs a motivation to get out of bed. Something to do on a daily basis that will keep him occupied.”

Natasha hummed. “I think I might have an idea, but we’re going to do this my way.”

“You need any help with that?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, I could use you in this one, but I need you to trust me and follow my lead,” she nodded.

“Sure thing, ma’am.”

Natasha gave him a look. “No, I mean it, Steve.  _ My way _ .”

Steve gave her a hard stare and then nodded slowly.

* * *

“Get up!” a woman barked and briefly Loki was startled.

He had heard them entering his chambers and approaching him, but he hadn’t expected to be commanded in such fashion. Then again, he had had very little interaction with the woman of the Avengers and he didn’t know who she was or what to expect from her.

Loki was sure she wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer, yet, it was what she was going to get.

“Nat?” the man Loki recognized as Steve asked unsure.

There was a brief silence before the woman spoke again. “I’m not going to ask again, Loki.”

“You didn’t even ask in the first place,” Loki retorted dryly, still not making any attempt to move and obey her demand.

Suddenly he got dragged out of his bed and before he could fight the hands off he was facefirst on the floor, harsh fabric that clad a knee pressing in his bare back, a warm hand between his shoulder blades pressing him down.

Loki was only wearing underwear - he didn't need to dress for anyone anyway - but now a little shame crept up on him. Evidence of what HYDRA had done to him was etched all over his body. He knew that his once pristine skin was now riddled with so many scars that he didn't even know if he had any original skin left.

He could almost feel the gaze of the unknown woman and Steve biting in his back, judging him. A little sense of shame crept up on him.

Loki briefly struggled in the woman’s grasp, but it was futile and thus he gave up. If he just laid still and resigned to his fate it would be over quicker. It would be easier…

However, fear clutched at his heart and this was exactly the reason why he had such a hard time following their rules. He never knew when he did something wrong or when he would get punished for his behavior.

_ “Give up, Loki, or it will only hurt more.” _

_ The Norns be damned if he was going to forfeit his struggle! What did these meager Mortals think they could do to him? He was a God and he would- _

_ Something pushed around his neck and a burning heat scorched his skin. He bit back a sound of surprise that wanted to escape his throat. _

_ For a split-second he was confused and that cost him dearly. Quickly his captors seized his limbs, pinning his legs and arms to the floor. He trashed in their grip, almost dislodging them because he was stronger, but they were just as stubborn as he was and held fast. _

_ Something cold and metal snapped in place around his limbs and they let him go.  _

_ He ceased his struggle and lay still. The cold, metal rings attached to his being were vicious devices - one of the few things HYDRA could use to keep him in check. _

_ He didn’t want to give up, didn’t want to give in to his captors wishes, but he preferred surrender to the scorching heat the metal devices were capable of on inflicting. It shamed him to the core that he had to give up, but he knew this fight was over. _

_ Surrender was easier and less painful. _

“That’s it?” the woman above him asked. “Is the fight already drained from your bones?” 

Loki stayed silent and didn’t move. Well, he didn’t want to move but his trembling prevented to lie completely still.

It would all be over soon.

She clicked her tongue mockingly. “I have to say I expected more from you, Loki. This is just disappointing.”

Loki visibly cringed at her words, his nails digging into the floor and his eyes screwing shut as he expected a blow.

_ Within the blink of an eye he was to his feet and his assailants scrambled out of his reach. _

_ “Stop this now, Loki. This is your final warning.” _

_ When he didn’t obey their order the metal rings flared to life. Heat scorched his skin and spread out through his limbs. Still he was trying to get to his assailants. _

_ He would kill them all! _

_ The devices beeped briefly and the heat intensified, crippling him and laying him low. The air filled itself with the scent of burned flesh and then his captors were on him again, pinning him to the floor and beating him into submission. _

Loki was shivering underneath the woman’s hands due to the memories. He still expected  a blow, but instead she let him go and got to her feet.

“Now get up, put on a shirt and pants, and come with me. I give you one chance to come willingly otherwise I’ll have Steve here drag you along,” she threatened.

Well, at least the woman was clear in what she expected from him and the repercussions if he refused.

Loki scrambled to his feet, warily making his way through the room to the closet and behind him he could hear the door fall shut. He was alone again, but he didn’t doubt that if he didn’t obey her demand quick enough they would be back.

A shudder ran over his spine at the prospect and he decided he sorely wanted to avoid that punishment.

With a little help of J.A.R.V.I.S. he found trousers and a shirt, and while he put them on he could hear some heated words being exchanged between the woman and Steve, though he didn’t hear exactly what they said.

“Loki,” the woman said and banged on the door.

Immediately he snapped to attention, closing his pants as he made for the door and yanked it open. “I am blind, woman, you have to be a little more patient,” he snarled.

The woman snorted, but it sounded amused. “Found your spirit back? Good! You’ll need it.”

She was already on the move when she called for him to follow. Loki didn’t need to be told twice and he scrambled after her. Something akin to excitement fluttered in his belly though he didn’t understand why. He had snapped at her and she had only responded with amusement and a compliment. It confused him, but he couldn’t deny it felt good at the same time.

Still, the thought lingered that it all could be a ploy. He was willingly obeying her now, and she had let his little snap slide, but he had no clue where the humans were taking him and it could very well be that retaliation would be waiting for him at their destination.

Loki had been lost in his thoughts as he had followed the humans and when the woman declared they had arrived at their destination, he had no memory of the journey there. The man was also gone.

Loki also had no clue where he had arrived. The room was unfamiliar to him and he had a little trouble discerning its purpose.

The floor under his bare feet felt rough, yet soft. He could sense various cabinets lining the walls with unknown items in them, but everything else was bare.

“Welcome to the sparring room,” the woman said. “You and I are going to have a fight and this time I expect you to put some effort in it.”

Loki felt his muscles pull taut and the excited feeling that had fluttered through his belly turned to fear and struck his heart. There it was, another one of those punishments. Quickly he put his hands behind his back, grabbing his wrists and taking a couple of steps back.

No.

Not again.

_ He landed on his back, hard, and the air got knocked from his lungs. _

_ For some unexplainable reason his captors had had the marvelous idea to put him in a training room, having him fight with… Well, he didn’t know who or what, but they were strong, quick and merciless. He didn’t know how long they had been at it - it must have been hours - and he was tired and in a lot of pain. _

_ “Get up!” someone barked at him. _

_ He didn’t want to get up. He just wanted to lie there until they would drag him back to his cell. Sadly, such a thing wasn’t going to happen, just like it hadn’t happened all those times before he had been floored and didn’t want to get up. _

_ Apparently he took too long again to obey their command and electricity coursed through his veins, making his teeth rattle and the thousand of tiny aches he supported flared viciously to life. _

_ “Get up!” _

_ That had happened every time when he refused to get up. The implant they had put under his skin between his shoulder blades would shock him. No doubt they had a remote control for that. _

_ He had tried to reach for it to get it out, but every time he had tried, the implant had activated or his opponent had attacked him. _

_ A strong hand grabbed his jaw to hoist him up at the same time the implant activated again. _

_ If his jaw hadn’t been locked, he would have screamed. _

“Hey! Loki! Come back. You’re safe, HYDRA isn’t here.”

The persistent voice of the woman drew Loki back from his memory and it took a moment for his mind to focus again. Obviously he was shivering.

“You want to talk about that?” the woman asked as Loki sensed her approach.

“Not particularly,” he said with a quivering voice and fumbled with his hands still behind his back.

The woman hummed. “Fine. If you think you can fight me and handle those memories at the same time, I’m not going to force you. Though you must forgive me if I have no clue if I trigger something, Loki.”

Loki thought on that for a moment before he replied with a shaky voice, “If you are not going to place shock devices on me, I think I can manage.”

There was a brief moment of silence and Loki had trouble gauging the woman’s reaction. Her energy pattern was under such control that he couldn’t read it, keeping him in the dark about her emotions. It aggravated him because it took away one of the few things that made him able to read persons and anticipate their reactions, on the other hand he respected the woman for it because it would take a lot of training to gain such control.

“The worst thing that is going to happen to you is that I’ll floor you,” the woman said.

Loki flinched at those words. The phantom memory of electricity coursing through his veins after he had been floored suddenly ran through his body. Of course he didn’t feel the actual pain, but he was well aware at the brief havoc it created in his mind.

Apparently the woman caught on because she suddenly said, “and after I’ve floored you, I’ll help you get up. Deal?”

Loki nodded weakly and unfolded his hands from behind his back, taking on a shaky battle-stance. It felt familiar and he was sure his posture was a hundred percent correct. When he had been a Prince he had trained so often that he didn’t even need to think about where to place his hands and feet - it was pure muscle memory.

“Now, let’s see what you’re made of because I’m sure you can do more than hide in bed all day. And don’t worry, you don’t have to hold back.”

With those words the woman surged forward, quicker than Loki had expected. He was barely able to block the first two blows, and the counter attack he gave was weak and missed its mark completely. Then his legs got swept from under him and he slammed into the floor on his back, knocking the air from his lungs.

Immediately he began to tremble, fearing a command to get up combined with an electrical shock, but it didn’t came. Instead, the woman crouched next to him and patted his shoulder.

“Loki,” she calmly. “Calm down. You’re good.” She paused briefly before she asked, “Need a hand to get up?”

Loki shook his head, his tongue sticking to his palate as he tried to get a grip on himself. Tears were stinging at the back of his blind eyes and he didn’t know why. He didn’t want to give in to them. Nothing bad had happened, yet his emotions were suddenly a tangled mess. Anxiety, fear, anger, shame, the feeling of incompetence - there was enough to pick from.

He balled his fists at his sides, his nails digging into his skin and the pain helping him to keep his composure. With a shuddering breath he pushed himself to a sitting position.

Still, the feeling of failure pressed heavily on him. He once had been able to lay many enemies to waste without breaking a sweat and now he couldn’t even defend himself against a  _ human _ . How pathetic was that!

Instead of fighting the feeling and getting to his feet to show what he was made of - like he once would have done - he allowed it take hold of him, feeding to his misery. If he just gave up and rolled over it would be less painful. She would beat him up as a form of punishment and it would be done with. He could go back to bed with a couple of bruises and be done with this torment.

Loki let his head hang and tears sprung to his eyes. Resigning to his fate he whispered. “I cannot.”

The woman, who by now had gotten back to her feet, sighed slightly irritated. “Loki. Listen to me. I didn’t bring you here to punish you. I brought you here to get you some exercise and regain something of your former self. I’m not going to force you, but I’d like to see you try.”

Loki mulled over her words in silence. He understood what her goal was, and maybe she was right, though he would have liked it if she hadn’t been so bossy about it. Then again, if she hadn’t he probably still would be in bed.

A warm hand clasped around his wrist and he got hauled to his feet.

“I know you can fight,” she said, her tone balanced and calm, but also bearing a tinge of faith. Faith she had in him! “The couple of times you have lashed out proved that. It wasn’t an irrational action, your moves were calculated. You’re obviously trained, right? I noticed it by your stance which was perfect.”

“Yes,” Loki admitted and fumbled with his hands. He wasn’t used to such compliments, he rarely had gotten them as a Prince of Asgard, and HYDRA hadn’t complimented him at all. If anything, they had only humiliated him more, even though he had done something well. Loki had seen that treatment for what it was; to make him think he was truly a nobody.

Eventually it had worked.

“Then what is holding you back? What is it that you fear so much?”

“Nothing,” Loki mumbled, not willing to explain.

“Then you’d better fight back or else you will land on your face, Loki.”

Her words were a threat, though it was minor and one he would have made himself - had made himself, many times even! However, sudden frustration swept over him and he clenched and unclenched his hands.

“How? I cannot even see you,” he bit frustrated.

The sound the woman made was derisive and mocking. “Like that matters. You don’t need that and you know it. Now stop acting like a petulant child because I’ll not have it.”

_ Like it mattered? _ It did matter! He was still blind as a bat and he didn’t have his Seidr to support him. Of course it mattered!

Apparently the woman was done waiting for him to sort out his inner turmoil because suddenly she barked, “left!” and the flat of her hand collided with his left cheek. She didn’t stop and this time she barked, “right!”

Purely on instinct Loki caught on and he blocked the hand that was bound for his right cheek. She kept shouting a series mixed of ‘left’, ‘right’ and ‘again’ until Loki got the hang of it.

The tangled mess his mind had been before slowly faded to the back of his head, his mind fully occupied with blocking the attacks of the woman and drawing him away from his dark turmoil. For the first time since days his mind was blissfully blank as he only had to focus on her.

“Now, use that aura reading of yours,” the woman said, never stopping her assault.

At first it was hard for Loki to focus on both, a couple of her blows getting passed his defenses, but steadily he got the hang of that as well.

When she introduced a kick, Loki was ready for her and blocked it without too much effort. Once Loki felt confident enough he began attacking her, which drew a pleased, “good,” from her.

They danced through the room, defending and attacking, and bit by bit Loki attuned more and more to his blindness and this new form of fighting. Quickly he fell in the flow of motions, his mind blessedly numbing itself and giving him the ability to view himself from a distance.

A lot had been taken from him, and a lot had been done to him, but that shouldn’t stop him. If anything, it should be a new beginning. His blindness didn’t define who he was, maybe it was even an asset.

Adrenaline hummed in his veins though this boost was different than the ones he got from his flashbacks. He found that he liked this form and the sweat he was working up did him good. It had been so long ago since he had been able to let go of his anger in a controlled manner without getting punished. The thrill and the rush seemed to give him something back he had lost and it renewed the alignment between his body and soul.

When the woman broke off the sparring session Loki was panting, but he did so with a little smile on his face.

“That was good, Loki,” she complimented. “If we keep this up you’re soon able to practice with weapons too.”

A pang of delight ran through his system at the compliment and the prospect of expanding their training. It felt so good to have someone tell him he had done well and when he nodded his agreement it came of eager.

“I’ll come to collect you tomorrow,” the woman said and he could feel her make for the door.

“Wait!” Loki said and then fell silent when she did. It had been a spur of the moment and a little bit of fright blossomed in his chest again. He wanted to ask her a question, but the prospect of punishment made him reconsider for a couple of seconds.

However, these Avengers had already shown that they punished him very little, and if they did it wasn’t because he asked questions.

He took a deep breath and then blurted, “what is your name?”

Immediately he flinched and let his head hang. He was a little ashamed he had to ask the question, and he could have waited and ask it to J.A.R.V.I.S., but he felt a pang of curiosity and wanted to know now.

She chuckled before answering him. “Natasha.”

Loki lifted his head and then nodded. “I shall see you tomorrow, Lady Natasha.”

Quickly he slipped from the training room and went back to his chambers to take a shower and change his clothes.

The pleasurable hum still sang in his veins, but as the hours passed by, so too did the feeling fade. Eventually he ended up in his bed again, not interested in food despite the invitation to join the Avengers during their evening meal, and he didn’t feel any better than he had felt that morning.

It frustrated him seeing he didn’t understand why he felt like this. His emotions had become a tangled mess and as always he didn’t feel like sharing. He had always figured it out on his own, and he would this time as well.

If only he knew where to begin.

* * *

“How is he doing?” Natasha asked Steve.

Steve gave her a small smile “Fine. Bruce is checking up on him. He remembers very little except for some vague memory of me.”

Natasha nodded and patted him on the shoulder. “James will be fine.”

“How is Loki?” Steve asked in return.

“I trained with him yesterday. He seemed to do fine with that. I was just on my way to collect him.”

Steve nodded. “Don’t drag him out of the bed like that again.”

Natasha shrugged and made for the door. “We’ll see.”

* * *

As promised, Natasha came to collect him that day. “Come on, Loki,” she urged.

Loki was still in his bed and he didn’t feel like leaving it either. He didn’t even respond, just shook his head in the pillow, biting back tears which he didn’t know where they came from.

“Loki, I understand that you’re not feeling well and that you have a depression. I recognize that, but lying around in bed is not going to solve anything.”

“Getting up doesn’t either,” he countered. “You cannot force me.” It was as much as a challenge as a manner to test her patience, but also because he really didn’t want to. He didn’t want to get out until he had calmed down. The nightmares from the previous night had exhausted him and he couldn’t phantom how it would be good for him to exhaust himself further.

When Natasha’s warm hand landed on his bare shoulder which was peeking out above the blankets, he went rigid. However, this time when she tried to pull him from the bed he was ready for her. The struggle they had was short, but this time it was Loki who won their grapple and he pinned the woman to his bed, the blankets hanging somewhere half from the bed and on the floor.

“I said no,” he growled in her ear.

Natasha chuckled amused and for a brief moment her body went slack before she turned the tables. With a couple of quick moves she had Loki on his stomach pinned to the bed and airily said, “You never specifically said ‘no’. In fact, you didn’t answer at all.”

Loki growled in the back of his throat and he could feel anger wash over him, but he also felt a certain desperation that made the tears sting his eyes. He blinked a couple of times to hide them, hoping she wouldn’t see. It would do him no good to show his weakness to these people.

To anyone at all for that matter.

“No!” he grated between clenched teeth.

“Loki, you’re having a depression, and-”

“I do not have one of your Midgardian diseases,” he interrupted, but she continued as if he had never spoken.

“-getting exercise is one of the things that remedies that. Remember you felt better yesterday after the training?”

Loki didn’t answer. Yes, he had felt better, but it hadn’t lasted, so what was the use?

“I know this isn’t easy, and if you truly can’t today I’m not going to force you again, but would you at least consider giving it a try?”

Natasha had spoken to him calmly and, as far as he could concern, even with understanding and compassion. He didn’t understand why she had done that. He didn’t understand why they all cared and tried to help him. It was useless and he wasn’t worth it.

The tears that he had been biting back won the fight - to his utter shame - and his face pulled into a grimace as he still desperately tried to fight them.

Quickly he turned his head, shoving his face in his pillow to hide.

Natasha let him go and he shifted his limbs to a slightly more comfortable position, but he stayed on his stomach, his face pressed in the pillow. He resisted the urge pull the blanket over his head and felt the bed next to him dip as she sat down.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked kindly.

It was an open invitation, no pressure, and he could decline it if he wished. “No,” he croaked, his voice hoarse with the lump that had formed in the back of his throat.

Loki was confused and he didn’t understand where these sudden tears came from. He wasn’t in pain, she was treating him kindly on some level - they all did - and yet he felt as if he had been kicked down, beaten and berated. Weirdly enough, underneath that he didn’t feel anything at all. At least that was a small blessing seeing he didn’t want to feel anything at all either.

Taking in controlled gulps of air he tried to regulate his breathing and calm himself down. There was no need to cry and this wasn’t how he had been raised. He needed to get a grip on himself.

Warriors don’t cry.

Natasha said nothing, giving him the time he needed and obviously observing him with a keen eye, otherwise she would have said something.

When he had calmed down she asked, “Ready to go?”

“Are you forcing or commanding me to go?” he asked, fearing for the answer. Loki was quite sure that he wouldn’t get a say in the matter.

Not with her.

“Again, I’m not going to force you,” came her calm and patient reply.

Loki gave her a sour look, but got out of bed in search for a shirt and trousers. “You forced me yesterday,” he said while rummaging through the drawers.

Natasha was silent for a moment before she answered. “That was to see how you'd respond, and it was actually wrong of me to do that.”

“But you do not feel apologetic,” Loki concluded.

“No.”

The reply was simple enough, and even though it stung him, he did understand. She had probably concluded what he had concluded himself a couple of days ago. Sometimes he needed a little push to get things going, though it was completely erratic when it would work and when not.

It even exhausted  _ him  _ to a certain point.

Once he was dressed - this time without the help of J.A.R.V.I.S. but with the help of Natasha who commented that his shirt was backwards - they made for the training room.

They started slow, Natasha probably fearing that he might shatter like glass. Eventually they found their rhythm again and Loki even dared some physical contact with her, rolling over the floor and trying to pin each other down.

She kept giving him small, off-hand praises, and though Loki loathed to admit it, it made him feel good.

When they were almost done, J.A.R.V.I.S. addressed them. “Captain Rogers has asked if you could both join him in the common room. Mr. Barnes is out of the medical bay and Mr. Rogers would like to introduce you to him.”

“We’ll join him once were finished here,” Natasha informed the A.I. and made an attempt to attack Loki, which he casually blocked.

For a couple of minutes they danced through the room until Natasha decided it was enough. Together they made for the elevator and Loki could feel a ball of anxiety form in his stomach.

He had no clue why he also needed to be introduced to this new man and then the fear suddenly struck him. What if this man was here to take Loki with him? What if these Avengers had found a way to rid themselves of their useless prisoner?

The thought made Loki shiver lightly.

He would get moved again and he wouldn’t know what the man would do to him. There would be new rules, new punishments and new tortures. Maybe this man was HYDRA and they had come to recollect him. He didn’t want to go back. He  _ couldn’t _ go back; not now he was finally doing a slightly better.

When the elevator arrived at its destination with the ever cheerful ‘ding’, Loki almost jumped out of his boots, so deep in thought and turmoil he had been.

A hand landed lightly on his back and the woman asked, “Are you okay?”

He had begun to tremble again and he clamped his teeth down on each other to stop them from clattering.

Natasha did something to the elevator, and instead of the doors opening they stayed closed.

“Loki,” she said softly, not taking her hand of his back. “What is going on?”

“Nothing,” he answered, but he couldn’t hide the tremor in his voice.

“Did you have another memory?”

He shook his head and curled his fidgeting fingers into a fist.

“Has your mind cooked up something again?”

“NO!” he snapped and then realized his mistake.

Natasha sighed, though it didn’t sound weary or mocking. If anything, it sounded as if she felt compassion for him. “Loki, what do you think is going to happen? You’re obviously afraid of something and I’m sure it’s not because you’re in an elevator with me. Are you afraid to meet James?”

Loki gritted his teeth and let his head hang. Why was she asking him these questions? What did it matter anyway? They were going to give him away to the stranger.

“Tell me,” she demanded softly and it felt as if a dam in his mind suddenly broke.

“You said you are not going to kill me, probably because you cannot - because you are too weak or too compassionate. Thus you have found another solution. Instead of killing me and putting me out of my misery you are going to hand me over to someone else. How much money did you get for a broken thing like me?” he spat. “How much did HYDRA promise you to give me back?”

Steadily his voice had risen until he was practically shouting, tears biting his eyes. When he was done with his little outburst the silence that followed in the metal box was almost painful and he was sure they both could hear his frantic beating heart.

“We’re not going to sell you or give you away,” came Natasha’s calm reply, though underneath it Loki could feel the frustration she was holding back.

He shared that frustration.

“Liar!” he spat.

The hand on his back fell away and instead her warm fingers curled around his jaw, not squeezing or hurting him, but just guiding his face so he was forced to look at her. Not that he could see her through the everlasting darkness that swam in front of his eyes, but the gesture made sure that he was paying attention to her.

“Take a deep breath,” Natasha said and she laid her other hand with sprawled fingers on his sternum - a guidance for him to breathe to.

Loki made a small sound in the back of his throat at the touch, however, he didn’t pull away and did as he was told. Softly she urged him to continue to take deep breaths, which he did and he felt the ball of anxiety in his stomach unknot. The air filled his lungs and his panic resided.

“Let me go,” he demanded, though it sounded an awful lot like a plea. 

She obliged, her hand falling away from his chest, but not from his face.

“Listen to me,” she said, demanding his attention and Loki gave a small nod, the nail of his thumb running over the pad of his index finger.

Once she was satisfied she had his attention Natasha continued on a calm but stern tone. “We’re NOT going to kill you. We’re NOT going to hurt you. We’re NOT going to sell you, and we sure as hell NOT going to give you back to HYDRA. Whatever your mind just cooked up, it’s not going to happen. We’re going to the common room to meet James, a friend of Steve, and that’s it. Understood?”

“Yes,” he breathed. When she didn’t let him go and remained silent. He knew he should answer her with a little more conviction whether he believed her or not. “Yes,” he said again, though this time with more confidence, and it was true. He  _ did _ believe her.

Her hand fell from his face. “Good,” she said with that warm and pleased tone she also used whenever they were sparring. Then the doors of the metal box slid open.

They walked into the ‘common room’, a place Loki hadn’t been before. The room felt bigger than he thought it would be and he could faintly discern some furniture and other things he didn’t recognize.

Immediately they were greeted by some other occupants of the room and Loki wrinkled his nose when Tony called him Lokes.

“Loki,” Steve said to get his attention and he could sense the man standing in front of him along with someone else. Loki presumed that this was the one called James. “This is Bucky,” he introduced the man. “Bucky, this is Loki.”

A moment of silence fell and then Steve mumbled, “He can’t see that.”

Loki studied Bucky’s aura, mostly so he could recognize the man in the future, but also because something seemed off about him. The first thing Loki noticed was that he was just as enhanced, if not more, as Steve and Natasha. His aura was…  _ incomplete _ and Loki shifted his attention to the man’s left side where there was a different energy that normally swiveled around living creatures.

There was a lot of metal there and… _a_ _metal arm!_

Suddenly his mind spun and terror clutched at his heart.

“You!” Loki breathed as he recognized the one they called Bucky. He didn’t hear an answer as the world around him whisked away and he got plunged into a memory.

_ A fist knocked the air from his lungs and as he doubled over. Then a hand grabbed his neck. His feet got swiped out from underneath him and he went down in a heap. _

_ Already his mind told him to get up, conditioned by the shocks HYDRA gave him whenever he failed to get up. Instead, a boot connected with his ribs and he felt them crack. _

_ “Soldat! Stand down!” came a command that wasn’t meant for him. _

_ Panting heavily he tried to push himself to hands and knees, but a thousand wounds flared to life and he crashed back to the floor. _

_ “Get up, Loki,” came the threatening command, but his body didn’t want to obey. _

_ Tears sprung to his eyes and he waited for the inevitable device planted in his back to activate, electric currents rampaging through his body. He tasted a mix of bile and blood in the back of his throat, and even though his mind screamed that he needed to get up, his body didn’t obey the demands of his mind. _

_ He didn’t know what would happen if he didn’t get up, if he  _ couldn’t _ get up anymore, especially not with this particular opponent facing him. _

_ Again he got commanded to get up and when he failed to deliver the device activated. _

_ Pain mixed with fright, anger and exhaustion. Unbidden the tears streamed over his face. He didn’t even have the energy to sob - the tears were just silent. _

_ “Soldat, get him to his feet!” _

_ He tried to scramble away from his opponent, but he could not, and cold, metal fingers wrapped around his throat and he got hoisted back to his feet. _

_ He had barely been able to put his feet underneath him and already a fist connected with his nose, shattering bone and tearing blood vessels. If he hadn’t been blind he surely would have seen stars, instead he felt his mind spin. _

_ The metal digits uncurled from his throat and without warning the metal fist of his opponent connected with his face. Quickly blow after blow followed. _

_ When he hit the floor once more his opponent didn’t stop. Blood poured freely over his face - not sure it was his or someone else’s - and filled the back of his throat. There was a deafening roar in his ears and the agonizing pain he felt told him he had multiple broken bones, fractures, wounds and internal bleedings. Still, the other didn’t stop. _

_ The other didn’t  _ get commanded _ to stop. _

_ The man was going to kill him… _

_ A strange form of relief swept over him. If the man with the metal arm killed him all would be over. He would finally achieve what he wanted to achieve when he had let go of Gungnir. He only lamented the fact that it had taken so long for this to happen. Had his captors done this sooner, at least he would have been spared the misery he had felt day in and day out. _

_ Pain flared through him punch after punch. His mind was already reeling and he was sure he was beginning to feel his soul detach from his body. _

_ “Soldat, that’s enough!” _

_ Suddenly he flew through the room and his head connected with a hard surface. The sickening crack that came with the impact resonated in his skull. _

_ His mind went black. _

When the memory subsided he could feel several auras riddled with concern press around him.

Loki was shaking from head to toe, his mind still spinning and nausea eating away at him. If he ever had had an erratic heartbeat before due to fear, it was nothing compared to what he felt now, the adrenaline pumping in his veins setting his blood on fire.

The woman had lied to him! They had contacted HYDRA and now the man who had almost beaten him to death came to collect him.

Of course someone put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him, but Loki went frantic, lashing out at anyone who came close. He was growling like a wild animal and he also  _ felt  _ like a cornered animal.

Whatever meager amount of Seidr he had, it was available at his fingertips to use.

Panic and fear washed over him, and the pain he felt was a phantom - he knew that - but it felt real in that moment.

When his would-be murderer stepped closer to him Loki lost himself to his blind panic. He lashed out with his magic, sending of a weak telekinetic blast before his scarce supply of Seidr died away completely.

Scrambling and almost tripping over his feet, he created distance between himself and his captors. That little bit of Seidr had been all he had had and was what had enabled him to see through his energy readings. Now, he was completely blind. For once luck was with him as his back hit the familiar shape of a doorknob and he janked the door open to flee the room.

Running as fast as he could he dashed through halls and up flights of stairs, working purely from memory instead of actually being able to see anything. He took two steps at the time and more than once he tripped and fell viciously when he reached the end or the beginning of a staircase.

It hurt a lot, but it hardly mattered. After what seemed an eternity he reached his cell and once inside he didn't know how fast he had to hide under his bed.

Still Loki felt weak and exposed, and this time the false safety of his corner underneath the bed was exactly that; false safety. He had no weapons to defend himself, no more Seidr and he was completely trapped - locked up in a tower with people who pretended that they wanted to help him, but instead had let the enemy within their ranks.

No, that did sound right. They already  _ were  _ the enemy, HYDRA, but he had let himself believe that they were not. He had fallen for their pretty words and deeds and he had ran straight into their wicked trap!

How could he have been so foolish!

Hot tears streamed down his face, etching their way into his skin. This time he gave in to his wish to scream his heart out and the guttural cries that tore from his throat were wrought from pure desperation.

He would never be free.

He would always remain a shadow.

They had made him this way.

And it would never change!

* * *

The Avengers watched as Loki lashed out and fled from the room, confusion, guilt and a deep sense of dread within each of them.

“Do you remember him?” Steve asked Bucky softly.

Bucky’s answer was gruff and he looked at Steve. “No.”

“Well, he clearly remembers you.”

“I’ll go after him,” Tony offered and got up from the couch, but Natasha put up a hand.

“Let him go. From what he told me in the elevator, I don’t think he wants to see us for a long time.”

Tony sank back down on the couch. “What did he say?”

Natasha sighed. “Let’s just say we’re back to square one.”

“J., where has he gone and how is he doing?”

“To his chambers, sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. answered, drawing a startle from Bucky. “I also think miss Romanoff is correct. He is back under his bed and I’ve never heard him scream before.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For everyone who was so happy Loki was doing better after the previous chapter, I am so, so sorry! However, I have been aiming for this little plot thingy to happen for quite a while… from the moment I started writing this thing actually. And yeah, the last part made my heart constrict too.  
> I thrive on comments <3  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After rewriting the ending of this chapter three times, I’m finally happy with it. I hope you enjoy it too.

Never before had Loki been so afraid. He had known fear when he had faced dangerous enemies. He had felt the pangs of fright whenever Odin passed some form of judgement over him whenever the man deemed it necessary - whether it had been justified or not. He had known fear at the hands of HYDRA, but never before had he felt the utter terror that now fluttered in his heart.

When one faced an enemy one knew that there might be an ending to everything. When he had stood in front of Odin he knew there would be an ending to his punishment. With HYDRA, that hadn’t been the case. No end in sight; no salvation, no absolution. If they took him again there would be no light at the end of the tunnel. He didn’t know when it would end, and that was what frightened him so much.

To make matters worse; he had drained whatever meager amount Seidr he had had, the shallow pool of magic that had allowed him to see the world with his energy-reading, and now that was gone as well. He didn’t even know if it had been worth it. He didn’t even know if he had actually knocked someone of their feet or if it had been naught but a gust of wind ruffling their hair.

Loki had been trained to never show his fears, to hide it, because it was a weakness. Right now he was utterly failing at hiding it and thus he had hidden under his bed, out of view of the world. Hours must have passed while he was trying to get a grip on his trembling body, but it seemed as if he had gone in overdrive and the trembling just didn’t stop.

These weaknesses filled him with a sense of shame. He had been raised as a Prince, a warrior, a God, he shouldn’t let fear take such a hold of him as it did now. It was pathetic. Yet, he couldn’t shake the deep rooted terror that was crippling him now.

HYDRA was here, the one who had almost killed him was here, and he would be transported back to their dungeons.

It stung.

Deeply!

Carefully he tried to figure out why their betrayal cut him so deep and Loki quickly concluded that was exactly the reason. He had began to trust them, hoped they would help him and that they had good intentions, but it had been just another lie.

One of the so, so many lies he had been fed his entire life.

He should have never trusted them. It was exactly as how he predicted it; their betrayal now only hurt more.

Loki chastised himself over that fact; mercilessly so.

It dawned on him that he couldn’t stay here. He _shouldn’t_ stay here. If he were to deported back to HYDRA every little step of recovery he had made would be flushed down the drain and he would be back to the pathetic prisoner he had been. He was a God, wasn’t he? Loki, Prin-

No! He wasn’t a Prince of Asgard anymore.

He wasn’t the rightful King of Jotunheim anymore either.

But maybe, very maybe, he could be someone new. Someone better, a better God.

One who all the realms would fear.

One who took revenge without mercy.

One who would make his tormentors scream for what they had done…

All of them!

It was a wonderful prospect, but right now he wasn’t even able to navigate through a room without stumping his toe. He needed his Seidr back, whatever little amount it had been. It would aid him and maybe it would bring him some sense of self.

Inwardly he cursed himself how dependent he had become on his Seidr, but on the other hand it had always been what defined him - who he was and how he viewed the world on a much larger scale than others did. Seidr wasn’t only his weapon and defense, it was also his freedom.

Freedom which he so desperately needed right now.

Gritting his teeth and without the tears stopping from streaming down his face, he clawed out from underneath the bed. The tears were nothing but a product from his immense terror; the expectation that the HYDRA-man could walk into his cell every single minute and claim him again.

However, if he wanted his Seidr back he would need to work for it. He needed to eat, keep himself hydrated and get some sleep. It would speed up the process in which his magic would replenish.

This was the only place he could achieve that. If HYDRA dragged him back there would be no more food, no more water and so much pain and damage to recover from that he would never get back from it.

Loki only had one chance and he wouldn’t let it pass.

With a lot of effort he made his way through his cell. Everything was suddenly out of place. Furniture jumped in front of him where he least expected it and doors were in entirely different places than they previously he had been. He briefly wondered if he had run back to the wrong cell, but the blankets he had previously buried his face in smelled of nothing particular and thus it couldn’t be another cell. Had it been a different place, he would have smelled it at least.

He made his way to the living room, being careful of objects and doors. He grabbed the bowl of fruit, filled a large glass of water (which made a lot of mess, but he didn’t care) and retreated to the bedroom of his cell where he crawled underneath the bed again.

He wolfed down the fruit without tasting anything. Only now did he notice how hungry he had been. Then he drained the glass of water and curled up to get some much needed sleep.

It wouldn’t come and after some time his stomach began to ache. He had eaten too much, not keeping in account that he had been deprived of food for years and that his stomach couldn’t handle this much food in one go.

How stupid could he have been? He had been so caught up in his will to recover as quickly as possible that he hadn’t deigned this little notion as important. Now he was paying the price.

Luckily his food stayed down - small mercies - but he couldn’t sleep due to the stomach-aches.

If he couldn’t sleep, then at least he could try to mediate to give him some form of rest. Thus Loki shut out the world, concentrated on his breathing and emptied his mind. It wasn’t easy, especially not the latter, but eventually he succeeded.

_Time had stretched infinite and something was happening. He didn’t understand what or why, but it had been a long time since the scientists had prodded and pried at him._

_Every once in a while he was collected and they administered the acid in his eyes. When he expected them to start their next round of experiments he was just brought back to his cell._

_The metal implant that was still embedded beneath his skin on his back flared to life at unexpected moments, hurting him._ Tormenting _him. The frequency was completely erratic, just like the time-span of how long it was activated. Sometimes it was just a brief shock, other times it lasted so long that he tasted blood._

_He didn’t understand what was going on. He didn’t understand why they had suddenly stopped their wicked experiments. It was strange, but most of all it frightened him._

_The silence was deafening him. At least when they concocted their tortures upon him he would have some interaction, but now that had been taken from him even though he hated what they did to him. Maybe this was a new form of experiments. A new round of torture, and he loathed to admit it, it began to work._

_He only had his mind to occupy himself with and right now his mind didn’t prove to be a very pleasant companion._

_His throat was so raw, but still he just wanted to scream. Anything to break the silence!_

Loki woke with a scream building in the back of his throat, but he quickly forced it down. He didn’t know when his meditation had shifted to sleep, but he was ever grateful for it even though it had been filled with nightmares.

The soft blankets he was hugging told him that he hadn’t been transported, _yet_ , and after scratching his fingers over the carpet and the underside of the bed, he was sure of that fact.

Carefully he checked his reserves of Seidr. The pool was shallow, _very shallow_ , but it would allow him to read energies again. Not as well as he had been able to do before - like he could see the outlines of a drawing instead of getting the fully colored picture - but it would suffice.

His resolve on escaping this place hadn’t lessened now he had woken up. If anything, the will to be free once more had grown bigger and it was now a low simmering heat in his heart.

He scrambled out underneath the bed, not caring for knocking over the empty bowl that had previously contained fruit and sending it skitting over the floor, and he made for the cabinet that held clothing.

He felt sticky and he sorely wished he could take a shower, but he didn’t have any time to spare and he had already delayed so much with allowing himself to sleep. He should have fled this place sooner, but he simply hadn’t been able to. Now he wasn’t going to waste another unnecessary second.

He stripped his clothes and put on a fresh set, making sure he wore a couple of more layers than necessary just to have some spare clothing. Immediately he was too warm, but he didn’t exactly have a bag, and even if he did it would be conspicuous. Loki was sure the ceiling creature still watched - and probably recorded - his every move. Thus the only option left was to suffer the uncomfortable warmth and make it look as if he was cold.

Next he made his way to the kitchen, being careful not to bump into anything with his still very limited energy reading. He rummaged through the cupboards until he found some food he could stuff in his pockets. He had to admit, in that regard mortals were quite clever to invent something to store their food in to make it portable and keep rot at bay. He also found a bottle of water and slipped it into the pocket in the front of his sweater. Now he had everything he needed in this moment and was ready to go.

A pang of fear surged through his system. If his captors knew what he was up to their punishment would be merciless, but underneath that fear he felt some odd sense of glee - _happiness_. It was the same thrill he felt moments before he would dive into a battle, that same hum that heightened his senses and cleared his mind.

Carefully he opened the door, hoping nobody would be waiting on the other side, and then he was on the move.

For convenience he took the stairs; they were less used by the lazy humans who favored their metal box. Otherwise he tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. If he just acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary, nothing would _be_ out of the ordinary.

Steadily he made his way to ground level, but of course J.A.R.V.I.S. suddenly spoke up. “Sir, may I ask where you are going?”

The inquiry had been so sudden that Loki nearly tripped and he cursed himself inwardly for not being able to anticipate that this would come. “I-” he began, but he voice was a broken creak, and thus he tried again. “I am going for a walk.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. It wasn’t the truth either. He was going for a walk, he would just never return again.

“Could I arrange for a lift of some sorts?” J.A.R.V.I.S. offered ever helpful. “I could ask Mr. Stark if his driver could take you somewhere. I am sure Happy is more than happy to drive you somewhere.”

Loki halted at the proposal, the latter sentence not making any sense in the slightest. That was a lot of happiness for a sentiment he didn’t share. “No, thank you J.A.R.V.I.S.,” he answered politely and resumed his descend down the stairs. “I want to be alone.”

“Alright Sir. Let me know if you change your mind or need anything.”

Loki didn’t even bother to answer or acknowledge that and just resumed his way.

Just as he began to wonder how many levels this building had, he reached a place where there wasn’t another staircase.

Confused he tried to scan his whereabouts, trying to find an exit where there was none.

_Damn!_

“Where in the nine realms is the exit?” he muttered as he wandered the level he had reached. The place was danky and reeked of something faul, of human machines. Wherever he went, he couldn’t find the exit nor a spot where the air was cleaner and would indicate an exit.

Of course the Norns would hate him so much that they had woven a broken thread in his fate.

“Sir, you are in the basement,” the always interfering A.I. piped up. “If you wish to go out on the streets through the front door you have to go back up two levels.”

A pang of anxiety fluttered through Loki’s body and minutely he felt his hands tremble before they steadied again. For a second he felt that he should just aboard his plan. It was stupid and he would never be able to escape this maze without the ability to scan energy properly. Maybe it was better to stop, to give up. He could wait until they would hand him over to HYDRA, make sure he gained some more strength by eating and resting properly and then escaping at the right moment.

Quickly he quelled the thoughts.

_No!_

He had come this far, he wasn’t going to back out now. Besides, he wasn’t sure he even would get the time to regain strength - if they grabbed him within the next hour he would be helpless. Staying any longer to regain his powers wouldn’t do him any good either because he wasn’t sure he could last another hour with these lying humans.

He had been given directions, the lie he had told the ceiling creature hadn’t been detected, and now he should just get on with it!

Loki curled his fingers into fists, his nails digging into his palms and stinging him. The minor bite of pain was what he needed to get himself into motion again and he straightened his back before walking to the staircase to start his ascend.

When he had climbed a pair of staircases he asked J.A.R.V.I.S. if he was at the right floor. The creature told him he had to take another pair of flights because he had only gone up one level. Eventually he reached the ground floor.

As soon as he pushed the doors open he was overwhelmed by the many voices that bounded of the walls. Apparently this level of his captors residence was very busy and his heart dropped into his boots.

How was he ever going to leave this place with so many eyes on him? He couldn’t make himself invisible, let alone that he could navigate through the throng of people without bumping into anyone.

If he hadn’t already been spotted…

Again he chastised himself that he had been stupid. What had he been thinking? That he could just walk out of this place and that there wouldn’t be any guards? Of course his captors had placed guards! Nobody wanted their prisoners to be able to just walk out of the front door.

“Sir, can I help you?”

Loki startled at the unexpected question and his heart was hammering in his throat. He hadn’t heard or seen her coming, his energy reading so fuzzy and inaccurate especially with this many people around. Now he was caught and his chance at escaping faded in front of his blind eyes.

“Sir, are you okay?” the woman asked concerned.

Norns, he was trembling again!

He briefly considered bolting, just running back the way he had came, back to the safety of his cell, but the woman was asking him if he needed help instead of dragging him off in chains. Maybe not everything was lost.

Maybe if he just…

“I am fine, thank you,” he said politely, but he could hear the tremor in his voice. “I am looking for the exit.”

“Ah, it is that way,” the woman said helpfully before she added, “straight ahead.”

Loki nodded and muttered his gratitude before he put one foot in front of the other.

“Sir?” the woman asked and once again Loki’s heart that had momentarily found its correct place in his chest sank back into his boots. There it was. He had been recognized and now she would seize him or call the guards.

“Do you need help getting towards the exit?”

_What?_

Why would he-

He was-

The brief short-circuit in his mind receded as he figured she had probably seen that he was blind. Of course Loki had no clue how his eyes looked, let alone how he looked at all these days, but apparently it was obvious.

He shook his head. “No, I shall manage.”

“Okay. Have a good day,” the woman said and then she was gone, probably off to help someone else.

Loki was still milling over the strangeness of it all as he walked into the given direction and, as if by a miracle, he didn’t bump into anyone.

Before he was well aware the fresh and crisp air hit his face and found its ways into his constricted lungs. The overheat he had previously felt at the many layers of clothing receded as well, making him feel a little bit more comfortable in the Midgardian fabrics.

He was outside.

For a heartbeat he waited for something to happen; for anyone to call after him or hands landing on his being to take him back inside. It had all been too easy and he wouldn’t be surprised if something happened at the last instance. However, nothing happened. Nobody stopped him when he took an uncertain step. And then another step, and another.

Taking a deep breath, filling his lungs with much needed oxygen, Loki was suddenly on his way, leaving his cell and captors behind.

* * *

“We've fucked up. _Again!_ ” Tony said, pouring himself some coffee.

A day had passed since Loki had met Bucky, and even though they had talked about Loki yesterday after he had ran away, the conversation today had inevitably shifted back to the broken God.

“We couldn't have known,” Natasha said, grabbing the mug of coffee from Tony’s hands.

“Hey!” Tony lamented before shrugging and pouring himself another mug. “We could. We should have checked our facts!”

“Fucking how?” Clint asked, ogling the next mug of coffee Tony was pouring. “Everything we got from HYDRA was that one lousy file with three papers and a bit of grainy footage. How could we have known?”

“I don't know. We just should have.” Tony rubbed his face and handed the mug to Clint. “We should have done something to keep it from escalating like it did,” Tony said dismayed.

"Yes, we should have, we could have…” Bruce interjected with a sigh. “It's a bit too late for that now, isn't it? Let bygones be bygones and just focus on what to do next.” He rejected the mug of coffee he was offered with a shake of his head.

“Sorry Buck, that you have to come in when things are such a mess,” Steve said.

Bucky shrugged and remained silent.

The Avengers were all looking at each other with forlorn expressions. Nobody knew what to do next and nobody wanted to be the one to push Loki's buttons again.

Clint resigned with a sigh. “Fine, I’ll check up on him.”

“I’ll come with,” Tony said and joined the archer.

The others nodded their gratitude and the two of them left to see Loki.

Once they reached Loki’s chambers they were met by an eerie silence and Loki was nowhere to be found.

“Where has he gone?” Clint murmured, sweeping the small residence again.

“J., where’s Loki?”

“Loki went outside for a walk, Sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. answered dutifully.

That confused Tony. “He did?”

Clint just walked back into the room, his third sweep of the place just as fruitless as the previous two, catching the conversation. “But he is blind! How the fuck is going to find his way?”

“I don’t know, Mr. Barton, but he left a couple of hours ago.”

“ _Hours!_ ” Tony and Clint screeched at the same time exchanging looks.

Then Clint voiced what they were both thinking. “Oh, I have a bad feeling about this!”

“J., scan the area to see where Loki has gone. Hack into every system if necessary. We need to find him!”

* * *

Loki had wandered through the streets of the city, the busy press of bodies giving him a lot of anxiety as he wasn’t used to so many people, but he plowed through. Every time he felt a memory press at the back of his head he viciously shoved it down, though he wasn’t sure how much longer he was able to keep doing that. They became more and more persistent with each passing minute.

He didn’t know how long he had been wandering or how far he had come, but eventually the press of people had become less and exhaustion had settled deep into his bones.

He felt an empty street to his right and he walked in there, pressing himself against the wall and trying to calm his hammering heart and ragged breathing. He needed a place to rest.

Carefully, making sure he wasn’t wasting more energy than he had, he expanded his energy-reading in search of an empty building. Whatever unlucky fate the Norns had woven for him in the past five years, they now seemed to weave his fate with a thin strand of luck as he found that he was currently pressed against the wall of an empty building.

It took him some time to find the door and the lock bulged quite easy with a little pry of his Seidr.

Quickly he stumbled inside, already feeling the fatigue of his drained magical reserves. He had had so little when he had fled his captors and now he had almost used it all up again.

He stumbled through the darkness, bumping into various objects. The place was heavily furnished, but otherwise it seemed desolate. It briefly crossed his mind that a desolate place wouldn’t have as much furnish as it had, but he was too tired to think about the implications of that notion.

Eventually he found something that might have been a table or a desk shoved against the wall and with a sigh of resignation he curled himself up beneath the piece of furniture.

The floor was hard and cold, and it felt a little slick. It dismayed him, but he wasn’t going to be picky now. He needed the moment of reprieve.

He was still trembling, his heart not willing to calm down and his nails were digging into his palms to keep him from slipping from reality. Of course it proved futile and the memories that he had been suppressing for hours washed over him in full force. They were like some cruel parasite that was now demanding the full attention of its host, trying to make up for the time lost.

_The shivers from the ice-cold water that coated his skin as he received yet another hose-down turned into full wracking body convulsions as electricity coursed through his veins._

_A feeble groan escaped his throat as blood poured from his nose, spilling over his lips and filling his mouth._

_Nothing made sense and fleeting pains from thousand minor wounds demanded his attention as the world blurred in front of his eyes. Then all went dark and a couple of seconds later he was staring at a human in a lab-coat._

_He didn’t understand what they were doing to him. It felt as if they had cramped every wicked torture they could think of into one moment._

_He tried to scream._

_He couldn’t._

_Briefly warm fingers skimmed his cold skin, leaving a tingle in their wake._

_Someone called his name - a warm voice he recognized._

_Frigga!_

_Mother…_

_Then she was gone and he was screaming so loud that it felt as if his throat got torn into ribbons._

_No._

_Not his throat._

_They were cutting him open. He could feel the sharp blade splicing his skin, the needle being pushed into his eye._

_No._

_That could not be correct. They were about to vivisect him and the needle… It couldn’t be there. Not near his face. Certainly not as his fingers curled around the smooth handle of the door._

_He had to get out._

_He had to flee._

_Sooner or later the Avengers would concoct their wicked experiments on him. He wasn’t safe!_

_He didn’t have a home._

_Home…_

_Run! He had to run! As far as he could go and as fast as he could. They were on him. They had his scent and it would only be a matter of time before-_

A loud sound as if the world was dying shook Loki from his hellish reverie. He wasn’t sure if he had slept or had just been caught in an endless spin of memories, gone from reality. It must have been memories seeing that he was trembling violently again, but nightmares had the same effect - it was all very confusing.

It took him a couple of heartbeats to understand where he was and realize he had fled from his captors to a new place.

Then Loki heard a door opening with a bang and voices of people talking animated drifted through the space.

How could that be? The place he had chosen was abandoned, people shouldn’t be here. Unless… Unless the HYDRA-Avengers had already found him, coming to retrieve him so they could continue their experiments!

Yet, the voice that lazily drifted through the air and penetrated his ears didn’t sound familiar. Nor did the name. “Shit, Carl. Did you forget to lock the door again?”

An unknown person answered that question. “No, I locked it this time because Carl always forgets.”

Then there was a moment of eerie silence before there was a rustle of clothing and clicking sounds.

Still caught in the terror of his memories and the building feeling of a threat, Loki held his breath, not daring to move. Of course that was futile since he was still trembling violently.

“Wherever you are, you’d better come out of hiding because if I find you’ll be eating a bullet before you get to say something!” a man threatened.

It was clear to Loki that the threat was aimed at him. Taking a deep but silent breath he checked his Seidr. There wasn’t a lot, but at least he had some form of energy-reading - more than when he had left the place of his captors - but not as it should be. The world was colored now, but it felt as if someone only had the most basic colors to fill the empty paper between the lines and the highlights and shades were missing.

Loki contemplated his options - which were no options at all. If he stayed hidden and they found him he would be executed on the spot. If he got out of his hiding he might have a chance at escaping. He might have a change to manipulate them to do his bidding. It only took a heartbeat to make the decision and quickly Loki scrambled from his hiding place.

He willed his entire being to stop trembling - to no avail - and straightened his back, trying to look as if he was someone who should not be trifled with. If he could recall something of the God he had once been, he might escape this situation unscathed.

“What are you doing in our place?” Someone inquired.

“Yeah, haven’t you seen the sign!” another said.

“No, I have not,” Loki said coldly, trying to put all of his regal Godness in the words.

He was well aware that he found himself in a deadly situation; there were about twenty of them and only one of him and he was quite sure multiple guns from various angles were trained on him. He might once have been able to deflect all those bullets, and he might once have been able to take them all down without blinking, but in his current state he wasn’t. He was powerless and he only had his words and wit to rely on. If he made a wrong move he could be dead.

Or worse…

Norns, if he only could stop trembling!

“You have some nerve the enter the hideout of Hell’s Bikers,” a man to his left said.

“Once again, I was not aware,” Loki countered with a voice smooth as velvet.

There was a moment of silence and then someone neared him. Loki didn’t move - except for his trembling - and just let the other approach. It was better to not put up a fight and just go with the motions, whatever they would throw at him. Resisting meant certain death, complying might just give him a chance of something. On top of that, _if_ things were going awry he at least could use that man as a human shield.

Once the man drew closer he exclaimed, “Shit man, look at his eyes!” Warm fingers curled around his jaw and Loki had to resist the urge to pull away. The man did something in front of his face and it took all Loki’s willpower to stop his hammering heart from leaping out through his throat. “He wasn’t lying man. He’s as blind as a bat.”

Then the man holding his jaw chuckled before letting him go. “And he’s afraid too. Guy’s shivering like a little schoolgirl.”

That drew laughter from the entire group, and for the first time Loki finally got some notion of where all the men were stationed.

It was a dreadful situation; he was completely surrounded.

“What to do with this douchebag?”

“Hand him over to Ryder. He’ll find some use for him, I’m sure.”

That drew another bout of laughter from the group. The joke was completely lost on Loki - not that he cared - though this time the laughter sounded ominous.

“You could just let me go so I can take my leave,” Loki suggested, glad for how steady his voice sounded opposed to how violently he was trembling.

His offer only drew a scoff from various men and then one - Loki presumed he was the leader of the group - spoke. “No. You broke into our place. Right now the boys are looking if anything is missing. If that’s not the case you still took hospitality where it wasn’t given. You owe us a thing or two, little bitch.”

“I think I shall pass on the invitation,” Loki answered and smiled a toothless smile full of sass.

“Funny. You think it was an invitation.”

Two pair of hands landed on his shoulders, gripping him tight and beginning to steer him into an unknown direction.

 _How ironic_ , Loki thought bitterly. He had escaped his previous captors only to fall into the hands of some new group. Was this ever going to end? Whatever thin thread of luck the Norns had woven into his fate, it had ended now.

A door opened and the man holding him on his right spoke to someone in the new room. “Hey, Ryder. Your bitch fell off last week, didn’t he? Got you a new one.”

Roughly Loki got shoved into somebody and immediately a hand fisted his hair, drawing his head back and exposing his throat. He was still shivering and at this moment he felt very vulnerable. He had to muster every ounce of will not to lash out at the man holding him and it cost him even more to keep the small pang of fear he felt from showing on his face.

Not that he was truly afraid of this human, but he had underestimated humans before and all that HYDRA and the HYDRA-Avengers had done to him was still freshly edged into his mind. If he just kept still he might be able to gain something he could use against the men.

The man holding him - probably Ryder - was so close that Loki could feel the man’s breath fanning over his face. Then one finger trailed over his cheek and it made shivers run circles over his spine. Ryder let out a hum. “Do you ever stop trembling, kitten?”

The two other men that had brought him in, and apparently hadn’t left, chuckled.

Loki wasn’t very inclined on answering, but he didn’t even got the chance as the sound of something crashing erupted from the other room he just came from. It was followed by a lot of shouting.

“Stay here, little kitten. I’ll come back for you later,” Ryder purred. The man let him go and gave him a little push, but it only resulted in Loki taken a minor step back.

The shouting from the other room had intensified and when one of the man pulled the door open he exclaimed, “Shit! The Avengers!”

_No!_

Loki’s mind went in overdrive. Suddenly he found himself torn between this new group of people with nefarious intentions and his previous captors, and honestly, he was at a loss. Neither groups was a delightful prospect and he just wanted to leave this place, to be free, but with his minor ability to see he wasn’t sure he could flee amongst the chaos.

For the briefest of moments he found himself riveted to the spot, then something within him roared to life.

The survival instinct he had lost at the hands of HYDRA suddenly reared its ugly head. Whatever was going to happen, he wasn’t going to stay here nor would he let the HYDRA-Avengers take him! He was an agent of chaos and this little uproar wasn’t going to be the end of him. He had survived worse and he would again.

And if he died trying… Well, at least he would go down with a fight like a true warrior.

Before Ryder even had managed to put an inch of distance between them, Loki grabbed the man’s arm, spun him around, and without thinking he snapped the man’s neck, killing him on the spot.

“Shit!” one of the other man shouted, giving himself away to the God and within a heartbeat Loki was on him too, dropping him dead to the floor not a second later.

Quickly Loki located the last man and bridged the distance between them.

“No, no! Stop!” the man tried while Loki’s cold fingers curled around the man’s throat. He could feel the erratic pulse of the man’s heartbeat underneath his thumb and the man was right to be very afraid of the angry God.

“Please, don’t do this, I’m on your side, pal,” the warm body beneath his fingers pleaded.

The growl that emanated deep from within Loki’s chest was nothing short of animalistic before he ground out the words in a hiss. “Give me one good reason, human.”

He felt the man swallow under his tightening grip and soon warm hands were grabbing his wrist, trying to pry his hand away. “I’m not with them,” the man choked out. “I’m a- a cop. Undercover. Please, believe me.”

Suddenly shots were fired nearby and Loki felt a blazing pain flaring in his shoulder and he immediately dropped the man to the floor. He swiveled on his heel, searching for the new threat, but he never got far. Something got blown to rubble, hitting him in the chest and sent him flying through the room.

In a heap he landed hard against something. His head banged against something else that shot an agonizing pain through his skull and Loki was sure he heard bone cracking. His mind was spinning.

_No…_

_Not again!_

_He had to-_

Without warning the world was suddenly gone.

* * *

“How is he doing?” Steve asked as Bruce entered the common room.

Bruce took of his glasses and rubbed his face. “It could’ve been worse. He has a gunshot wound to his left shoulder, but luckily nothing vital got torn. He also has a concussion. He’s sleeping it off now in the medical bay.”

There was a moment of silence before Clint addressed the elephant in the room. “Do we still believe we can help him? I mean, the guy fucking ran off.”

“I hate to break it,” Tony said, “but we already concluded we’re in over our heads.”

Bruce nodded. “We need Thor, and rather sooner than later. I can’t do much for him, none of us can, and Thor is probably the only one who understands him and can get through to him.”

Tony looked up at the ceiling. “Point Break, I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing, but we could _seriously_ use your help right now!”

There was a moment of deafening silence before a loud rumble rolled through the air outside. Briefly the room got illuminated with all the colors of the rainbow, blinding the Avengers. Then, as if a higher might had heard their prayers - which very well might have been the case - the light was gone and outside on the heli platform stood a familiar figure.

There was a heartbeat of disbelief where everyone held their breath and then the Avengers all suddenly moved as one - except for Bucky - scrambling past and over each other to get outside.

In all his radiant brightness, and with a big smile on his face, Thor stepped forwards to greet his friends. “My friends!” he bellowed. “It is so good to see you again.”

“Welcome back, big guy!” Tony exclaimed happy, extending his hand to greet the Thundered who just pulled him into a crushing hug. “Glad you’ve finally answered our prayers,” Tony choked out.

“‘T was about damn time you got here,” Clint murmured, but with a sharp look from Natasha he forced a smile on his face.

“Let’s go inside, we have a lot to talk about,” Steve said while getting the same rib-crushing treatment as Tony.

“Heimdall told me you have been calling my name with increased frequency. Why, my friends?” Thor asked as he sat down on the couch.

The Avengers gave each other a look before Steve spoke up, starting to tell how they had found Loki and all that had happened. Thor immediately flung himself off the couch to seek out his brother when he heard Loki was still alive, and the Avengers had to talk him back to the couch to listen to their story. They kept it short, for Thor’s sake, not wanting to stand between him and Loki any longer than necessary, but some information was vital so he knew what he was getting into.

As the story had progressed Thor’s expression had gone from cheerful to forlorn to solemn to sad, taking it all in. “Alright. Let me speak to my brother.”

“Thor, I just want you to be prepared. Loki is in a really bad shape,” Bruce said.

“Not to worry, friend Banner, I have seen my brother at his worst,” Thor boasted, but the underlying uncertainty was still evident in his voice.

“Mate, not to make it sound like a competition, but no you haven’t,” Tony sighed.

“I’ll talk to him about his imagined slights,” Thor said, pushing himself up to his feet. “Now take me to my brother.”

“Thor,” Natasha said, putting her hand gently on his arm. “They are not imagined slights.”

* * *

Once his mind had cleared and Loki had swam through the nothingness, the smell of clinical sterility immediately filled his nostrils and the soft bed underneath him was all the evidence he needed to know where he was.

His left shoulder was throbbing, not the mention a pounding headache in his skull. There was someone sitting next to him, though Loki didn’t recognize the energy pattern.

Slowly his eyes fluttered open, not making a sound as not to alert the person sitting next to him. That, apparently, was in vain.

The voice that boomed through the silent room sent painful jabs through Loki’s head, but the jab that he felt in his heart was far more painful.

Even without the chosen endearment he recognized that voice out of thousands. He had heard that voice in his dreams and nightmares, had preached the name of the person when he had been delirious with pain and he had never thought he would speak to him again.

“Brother!” the man said gleefully.

“Thor,” Loki croaked with a rough voice which immediately evoked a coughing fit and made his eyes water.

Or were his eyes watering because Thor was there? That couldn’t be. He held no sentiment for the other.

Loki didn’t get a heartbeat of time to question the tears because a glass of water was pushed into his hands and he gratefully took some sips to sooth his burning throat. He held on to the glass, just in case and to cover up his strong urge to fidget with his hands.

“Brother, I thought you were dead,” Thor said, the endearment grating on Loki’s nerves. “When you let go…” Thor trailed. Loki could hear the hitch in Thor’s breath before he continued, “we said our farewells to an empty boat.”

That information knocked the air out of Loki’s lungs, but it was also something he found hard to believe. The Aesir saying their last goodbyes to a monster like him? To the fallen Prince of Asgard? Odin surely would have told the entire realm what he was and a monster like him didn’t deserve a final farewell, did he?

Had Odin made it known at all? Loki almost scoffed at the thought. Probably not. Loki had probably been made into another dirty secret that had been swept under the rug. No doubt his image and name were erased from the Realm Eternal, never to be spoken of again. Odin had always been a liar.

Still, Loki couldn’t help but wonder who would have been present at his final farewell. Thor obviously, and Frigga probably…

Loki’s heart made a funny flip inside of his chest as he thought about his adoptive mother, but he quickly smothered the feeling, not willing to wallow in the misery he felt whenever he thought of her.

The Warriors of Three and Sif? Probably not, they despised him. Maybe the master from the library? The man hadn’t been Loki’s friend, but it came close to it as he had spent so many hours there.

Loki thought about a couple of others, but he quickly concluded that his list of friends was depressingly short. It was, in fact, so short that only Thor and Frigga had been there, and the former he only knew for certain because Thor had just said so.

He wasn’t even sure of the latter…

Loki swallowed against the lump in his throat and fought the tears that were suddenly stinging the back of his eyes. The sentiment was useless. He was dead to the Aesir and shedding tears over that fact wasn’t going to help him in any way. It was pathetic.

Something was nagging in the back of his head. Something that hadn’t fully reached him yet, but he needed an answer. Loki wasn’t sure he wanted an answer, or if he even wanted an honest answer, because if he got it then the ramifications would be disastrous.

It took him a couple of swallows before he spoke with a creaking voice, though it didn’t harbor the tremor he felt crawling underneath his skin. “Thor. Why are you here?”

Thor was silent for a moment before he carefully spoke. “The Bifrost has been repaired. You can come home.”

Even though Loki couldn’t see his head whipped in Thor’s direction, his blind eyes settling on a spot where he thought the Thunderer was. “I don’t have a home,” he hissed. “And it doesn’t answer my question.”

“Loki!” Thor exclaimed. “Brother, you cannot beli-”

“Firstly, you are not my brother,” he hissed, wanting to smother that endearment from Thor’s tongue as quickly as possible. “And secondly, answer my question!”

The nagging feeling had settled in Loki’s stomach and a wave of nausea washed over him at the same time a painful pound throbbed through his skull.

Thor sighed. “Heimdall came to me to tell me my friends were searching for me.”

As if Loki was suddenly struck by Thor’s lightning the slots fell in place. The HYDRA-Avengers had told him they were searching for Thor, trying to reach out for him.

If the Avengers were HYDRA, and Thor was allied with them…

Loki’s stomach lurched, plunging itself in a sudden vertigo and he almost threw up on the spot, bile rising in the back of his throat.

“They told me what happened to you,” Thor whispered, oblivious to Loki who had felt the color drain from his face.

The glass Loki was still holding shattered to bits in his hand. He began to tremble again, but this time the tremors weren’t made of fear or due to a memory. They were made of pure anger.

He had been in the hands of HYDRA for a while, and in that time he had found it in himself to forgive Thor for what he had done to him. He had made peace with the fact that he had always been in the golden boy’s shadow, that he had to take every brunt and taunt flung at him while Thor never seemed to make a misstep - another dirty secret Odin was quite apt at covering up. Loki thought he had let go of his anger and resentment towards his adoptive brother, but he hadn’t. Especially now with this new revelation it was back in full force.

“How long?” Loki growled.

Apparently it was now after he had shatter the glass of water that Thor seemed to understand that something was wrong. He tried to place a warm hand on Loki’s wet, cold hand, but the moment they made contact Loki swatted the hand away.

“Brother,” Thor wailed. “What are-”

“No! How long have you been working with HYDRA?” Loki spat, his mind quickly spinning down the only logical road it could take. “It never was that woman, was it? You just could not stand the fact that your shadow sat on the throne of the realm that was promised to you! Did she help you set this up along with the Son of Coul?”

“Loki, what are you talking about?” Thor sounded taken aback and confused, but Loki wouldn’t suffer another lie at the hands of his adoptive family.

 _No_!

Not his adoptive family. They weren’t family of him in any way. It was just the family of Odin and he was no longer part of it.

“It all makes sense now. You had it all planned out, hadn’t you,” Loki bit, tears welling in his blind eyes. “Together with these so-called Avengers you would make sure that you would get back the throne that was rightfully mine and in exchange HYDRA would get me for their wicked experiments!”

“The Avengers are not HYDRA!” Thor blurted confused, but Loki could catch the building anger in the other’s voice. As if on cue rain began to pelt against the windows that the room apparently had and Loki could hear a rumble in the distance.

“These people are my friends. They are here to help you. Why don’t you understand that? Don’t you trust my judgement on this?” Thor asked.

“No!” Loki seethed. “You let me fall! You set this up and now you are here to bring me back just to show Odin that you are the hero just to get the throne! How much did HYDRA promise you to hand me over to them? What riches were promised to the future King of Asgard?”

“Brother,” Thor wailed with a pained voice again. “I never let you fall, you let go.”

“Lies!” Loki hissed. “And that was what you wanted all along, did you not? If it would look like I just tried to end my life you would not be blamed!”

“It is not true and you know it!” Thor countered, the smell of ozone leaking from him.

 _Lies_. They were all lies and Loki had heard enough. “Leave, Thor!”

“No brother, you listen! I-”

“LEAVE!” Loki shouted, an angry flare of headache threatening to split his skull.

The thunder that cracked through the air outside was obviously Thor’s doing. There once might have been a time where Loki had feared it, but he had been through far more painful and scarier things than that.

Loki settled his blind eyes on the Thundered once more, scowling and letting all his hatred bleed through in his expression. “I shall no longer be subjected to your lies. You have nothing that I want and you are nothing to me!”

He heard Thor take a sharp intake of breath, but he blessedly didn’t say another word. Then Loki heard the heavy tread he knew so well and with a bang from the door and a loud rumble of thunder outside, Thor left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thrive on comments <3  
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	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter update after this one will take a while because I’ll be busy with moving into my new home. So, yeah… It might take two months (maybe more, maybe less) before chapter ten will be up. In the meantime I’ll be hanging around on Tumblr on the background, feel free to poke me any time. I’ve also left a note at the bottom. For now I want to thank everyone who has been leaving likes/comments, screaming in my inbox and sharing this story. You’ve made me very happy with that and it motivates me to keep this story going!

“Again, Loki, what does it take us to make you believe we're not HYDRA?”

Loki was fidgeting with his hands, his head hanging slightly low as he was standing in the living area of his cell.

Thor had taken him back to his cell and when he had arrived all the HYDRA-Avengers turned out to be present.

It felt crowded and Loki felt like he was rounded up live stock. The only exit that wasn’t blocked was to the bedroom and right now he was standing with his back against that door.

They had said they only wanted to talk to him, but it had felt more like an interrogation.

Truth to be told, they weren’t half so cruel about it as he had expected or suspected they could be. Also, whenever he opted not to answer a question they just let him, which in the end resulted in him not answering anything at all.

He was tired of their questions, tired of all that had happened, but most of all tired of his own mind. He was thoroughly confused by the events that had passed in what must have been the last twenty four hours.

The soldier that had almost beaten him to death was suddenly in front of his nose, he had run from his captors without getting stopped, yet they had retrieved him. He was still debating whether that was a good or a bad thing, especially seeing the place he had ended up hadn’t been paradise either, but it also meant that he was back. Then, suddenly out of nowhere Thor had shown up, showing that he was as much HYDRA as these Avengers were.

Now they were hell-bent on making him believe that they were the good guys, but the evidence wasn’t in their favor.

Loki felt torn between wanting to believe them and not being able to. All that had transpired, all that they had done, it was all blended together in a tangled mess of yarn inside his head and he could feel the ends of those threads fraying rapidly.

Not to mention that he was still in pain from the shot wound in his left shoulder and his concussion.

Thor drew him from his contemplation with that wailing voice he had taken on in the last hour. As if it constantly pained him what had befallen his brother while he had been the cause if it all.

“Loki…”

“I do not know,” Loki snarled frustrated between clenched teeth and his fingers curled to claws at his side.

It briefly crossed his mind that he could, if he wanted, weave some pretty words to get them dancing on his strings, but he didn’t. A prominent reason was that he didn’t know where to begin, and he only didn’t know where to begin because he didn’t know where to end. He had no more goals, no more great plans and his only long term plan was living through each day. It didn’t make for much material to work with.

He didn't even know who was saying what. He could only differ between male and female participants of this interrogation - and obviously Thor, but that wasn’t hard to miss as he recognized his voice out of millions - and there was no shortage of male participants in the room. It cost him too much effort to recall their names and thus he didn't even try. It was just a waste of precious energy.

“We took you away from that place, gave you food, shelter, all the space you needed… We haven't laid a hand upon you and we even successfully contacted your brother. What makes you think we're the bad guys?”

Loki growled in the back of his throat and barely audible mumbled, “Not my brother.” He fell silent then and just tried to relax his muscles which were aching due to the strain.

“Loki! Answer us please,” the woman said. “If you don't tell us we can't take the threat away.”

That was the first time someone prompted him to answer a question, but instead of being laced with a threat, it was laced with a false promise.

Loki gritted his teeth, and as expected Thor said his name again in that pathetic tone that made him want snap. He could feel the flood of words forming in his mind and traveling to his mouth, yet he bit his tongue. If he started talking now there would be no end to it. Even worse, with that the tears would come, the trembling, the feeling of powerlessness, of being used while he was nothing.

Still the urge to talk was bigger. Maybe it was the nagging voice in the back of his head. Maybe he was just tired. Maybe he did it because it didn't matter anymore or maybe it was because he believed them and  _ wanted _ to believe them even though he couldn’t.

They had come to retrieve him from wherever he had ended up earlier. Had they wanted rid of him, they would have left him there. Had they wanted to kill him, they had had every opportunity to do so. Had they wanted to harm him, they would have. Yet, none of that had happened.

Well, the latter had happened, but that had only been because he had lashed out in fear, otherwise they had done nothing to him. They even seemed concerned for his well-being! They had asked him for consent to see how he was recovering. They had given him space when he had demanded it. They talked to him and genuinely seemed to want to help him.

They had even managed to contact and bring in Thor, just like they had promised.

Still, even if they were not HYDRA they had let in a snake among their ranks.

And for once  _ he _ wasn’t the snake in their garden of Eden.

When Loki spoke it was barely a whisper. “You brought him here.” His stomach churning at the thought of the man with the metal arm. “He is one of them. Of  _ you _ .”

“Loki, are you talking about Bucky?” the woman asked softly, drawing the right conclusion.

Without looking up his blind eyes sought her form, the sound of her voice his only guidance. The tears were already biting at the back of his eyes, again, to his utter shame.

“This is ridiculous. Bucky is not one of them. We saved him! Just like you!”

“Steve, let it go,” someone else said and it was only now that Loki learned that the very man he referred to was also standing in the room and he was talking to him!

“What happened, Loki?” the woman asked on that kind tone, drawing his attention. “What has he done to you?”

“Brother this is ridiculous,” Thor said, claiming the attention as he always did.

Yet the woman was fast to stop him before the Thunderer could squeeze in any more empty words. “Thor, please!”

Loki didn't answer, casting his blind eyes back to a floor he couldn't see. Flashes of the man beating him to death danced in front of his mind's eye and his fidgeting hands were trembling again.

He didn’t understand why it affected him so much. He had fought enemies against small odds. He had been mortally wounded before, but never had he feared death. Never before had he been afraid after death had spit him in the eyes and he had stuck out his tongue as he had walked away from it. Then why was he so afraid of it now?

“Loki?” the man with the metal arm, suddenly drawn near, said. “What did I do?”

Loki went rigid. His muscles pulled even more tight, he was shivering from head to toe and tears stung in the back of his eyes. A wave of emotions washed over him and he felt as if he was drowning and suffocating.

One emotion took up forefront. One emotion HYDRA had taken from him, an emotion they had tried to douse and kill. One emotion he had used earlier today though it had been short-lived. One emotion he had denied himself for so long and now, for once, he was tired of holding it back.

“What did I do?”

The white hot rage seared Loki’s veins and this time he didn't suppress it. Instead he let it consume him and he shouted out all his rage. The consequences be damned!

“YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!” His loud and harsh words rang painfully in his ears and a tear rolled freely down his cheek. He had expected that, but suddenly he didn't care about that anymore. If he was crying, so it be. The anger he felt easily overshadowed his sense of shame. “YOU CRACKED MY SKULL ON THE WALL! THAT IS WHAT YOU DID!”

Loki took a shuddering breath before he continued on a more calm tone, but no less angry. “I do not know how I survived it because I was sure you had beaten the life out of me, but I did. You almost accomplished what Thor tried to accomplish so many years ago and yet you failed!” Some of the residents of the room sputtered at that statement, but Loki didn’t pay them any mind and just continued. “I still do not know if I need to thank you for it, or hate you for it.” Then he let out a low growl. “Probably both,” and then with a voice dripping with venom he added, “I am sure Thor would have been grateful!”

“I would have not. I am not. Loki…” Thor sputtered, but he seemed to choke on the words.

The silence that followed was deafening and the man in front of him seemed to have taken a step back. “I- I don’t remember,” came the confession softly.

Loki huffed, his tears already evaporated again. “Good to know you are sorry,” he bit sarcastically. The man seemed to take a breath to say something, but Loki didn’t give him a change. He spoke viciously, his intend to hurt the other with words as he had hurt him physically. “Truth to be told, so am I. Had I not been in that weakened state I would have smeared your brain all over the walls.”

The silence that remained was no less deafening than it had been before, and of course it was his boasting, adoptive brother who broke the silence with that sickening endearment of sentiment Loki didn’t share. “Brother…”

“No!” Loki all but shouted. “I am impressed by your cunning plan to trick the great Trickster, but…” The words he wanted to say next died on his tongue. The anger was suddenly drained from his bones and a slow, pounding ache was throbbing behind his eyes, not to mention the pain that flared in his left shoulder.

He brought his right hand up to push his thumb and index finger in his blind eyes as a countermeasure to the throbbing pain. It briefly worked and his hand fell limply back to his side, the nail of his index finger running over the pad of his thumb.

“Now, if you would all be so kind to leave my cell,” Loki hissed even though he was fully aware his request was in vain. They were his captors and if they wanted to stay, they would do so. Why would a prisoner be worthy of a moment of respite from their interrogation?

As expected someone said the dreaded words he didn’t want to hear. “Loki. We need to talk about this.”

“I have said enough!” he bit harshly, the pounding in his skull intensifying. He wasn’t going to relent. He was tired and this interrogation was at end. If they wanted to drag him off and torture him for answers, so be it - all the more it would prove his case!

Still, nobody made an indication that they were going to leave. Apparently they had reached a stalemate, but Loki could easily break it.

Brusquely he turned on his heel, yanked open the door and walked into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Once on the other side he leaned against the door and slumped down until he was sitting on the floor. His mind was spinning and tears that wouldn’t quite form were biting at the back of his eyes.

How could this have happened? How could he have fallen so low? How could he have walked into Thor’s trap so blindly?

Oh, the irony of that statement!

How could he have been so stupid?  _ Again! _ Hadn’t he been a mastermind? Someone who was able to think ten steps ahead? He had failed so miserably at that, it was just laughable and pathetic.  _ More _ than pathetic, and Thor had been right to wanting to be rid of him. He was worthless, no more than a parasite, and he would never rise above himself. Try as he might, he was doomed to fail until the end of his time.

Loki took in a shuddering breath, recognizing the dark spiral his thoughts were plunging him in, but the air wouldn’t fill his lungs because of the lump blocking his throat.

And now he was trembling again.

Was this ever going to end?

* * *

“Well, that didn’t go as well as we wanted,” Steve sighed, scratching the fabric of the sofa.

“What had you fucking expected?” Clint asked a little nasty and Steve gave him a look. Quickly the archer mumbled an apology.

Natasha was still staring at the bedroom door through which Loki had disappeared with narrowed eyes. “Thor, what did he say to you?”

“He thinks we’re all HYDRA and that I have… set him up to fall all those years ago.” Thor sighed. “Loki is convinced that when I was banished to Midgard I set up a plan to get him off the throne of Asgard and to deliver him to HYDRA.”

That drew some confused looks from the residents in the room and everyone startled when a door slammed shut. Nobody had even noticed that Bucky had gotten to his feet - the man was still a shadow if he wanted to be.

Steve shook his head, got up and made for the door to go after his friend.

Bruce got up as well, but instead of leaving he walked to the window, staring at the world outside, addressing Thor with his back still to him. “Can you help him?”

Thor shrugged. “I do not know. His mind is farther adrift than I thought.”

“Well, that sucks because we kinda did put all our money on you!” Clint growled.

Natasha nodded. “Is there anything you can think of you can do to help him? Or to convince him to let us help him?”

Thor looked out of the window as well, taking in the blue sky of the freezing day. Yet, his sight was aimed not at that sky, but rather at something that lay beyond the radiant blue. “Maybe I should bring him back to Asgard.”

* * *

From the other side of the door Loki had heard the entire conversation the HYDRA-Avengers had had after his departure. He briefly wondered if they had forgotten that all his other senses were honed due to his blindness, or if they simply hadn’t cared to go to another room to discuss his fate.

Whatever the reason had been, it didn’t matter. Thor had said he wanted to bring him back to Asgard and Loki didn’t know how to feel about that.

On the one side he didn’t want to go back to Asgard - the realm wasn’t his home. He also didn’t know if he could bear any more scorn from its denizens both because he was a monster (which they surely knew by now) and because he was disabled. Nobody would want to look at him or help him. In the eyes of the warriors he had always been weak, a Seidrbendr, and now even more so. They would mock him, laugh at him and make his life a living hell. Helheim sounded like a sweeter option than the Realm Eternal.

Then there was, of course, the Allfather. The man would probably hate him even more than he had done before, and Odin wouldn’t doubt to banish the runt that he once called son.

Yet, there was a tiny spark of hope from the thought of going back to Asgard. At least the Aesir had a Soul-forge and maybe they would be able to heal his sight and replenish his magic. Frigga would also be there and if only he could talk to her one more time before he would get banished… If only he could hold her one more time and at least get a chance to-

Loki choked on the thought and forcefully pushed the Queen from his mind. It wouldn’t do him well do dwell on such matters. They were all illusions and lies anyway. Nobody loved him, nobody wanted him, and if he was lucky his trial would be swift and merciful.

However, even  _ that  _ was nothing more than vain hope.

The scuffling on the other side of the door indicated that the HYDRA-Avengers had finally left the living area of his cell. Loki pushed himself up from his perch on the floor and sat down on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees and his chin resting in his hands, staring at something he couldn’t see.

A mirthless laugh from which he didn’t know it came from escaped him. The HYDRA-Avengers had brought him back, patched him up, interrogated him and had dumped him back in his cell. His clothing was still sticking to his skin, and even though they had taken him to their clinical room where they had dressed the gunshot wound in his shoulder, they only had cut away the necessary fabric to gain access to the wound, nothing more. Blood was still crusted in the fabric and the shirt he was wearing was damp from sweat. 

He had already forfeited his wish to clean himself before he had escaped from his captors, now the feeling of disgust was even worse.

At least there was one gain from his cell with these captors; it came with a bathing area with a bath.

He pushed himself to his feet to make to said bathing area and felt around until he had found the right knobs to run water to fill the bath.

Careful to not hurt his shoulder more than necessary, Loki stripped himself from the layers of clothing and sat down on the edge of the tub.

“Mr. Loki,” the ceiling-voice suddenly said. “Please be careful not to get those bandages wet.”

Loki arched an eyebrow, but didn’t respond and just tore the bandages of his skin. That way they at least wouldn’t get wet.

J.A.R.V.I.S. seemed to sputter before it said, “That was not what I meant. Now they need to redress your shoulder again.”

“Your masters don’t need to do anything. They need to leave me alone,” Loki growled, lowering himself into the tub.

“If we don’t keep the wound clean it might get infected and-”

“I am not prone to your Midgardian diseases,” Loki hissed. “How many more times do I have to explain that?”

Whatever reservations the creature had, at least it was silent now and Loki could finally focus on his bath.

The warm water was lapping at his skin and at least his headache seemed to lessen a little. He felt around for some soap to pour into the water, smelling the contents of the bottles before he shrugged one shoulder (the not wounded one) and just dumped the contents of the bottle in the water. He had no clue what he had gotten a hold of, but at least it smelled nice. The scent quickly filled the room and combined with the warm water it seemed to relax his aching muscles somewhat.

Loki performed a minor check on his state of being. His Seidr still wasn’t what it had been before he had fled his captors, but it had gotten a little better. It would take another day before he was back to the previous shallow pool it had been.

His energy reading was also still not what it had been - rough outlines of the world, filled in with the most basic colors. Not that he could see the lines or colors, but that was how it felt.

Next he checked his body. His shoulder throbbed and his head was pounding, but those were just minor physical nauseances. Still no change in his blindness. Everything was still dark. Well, a little lighter dark than it had been before as it was currently day, but dark nonetheless.

And his mind…

The memories that played in front of his blind eyes had become less, and the events that triggered them didn’t seem so frequent anymore either. Still he could feel them prowling the borders of his mind. All that was needed was one little push and his mind would spiral into the void again.

Loki stayed in the bath until the water had lost its warmth and then proceeded to wrap himself in as many towels as he could find - the soft fabric that felt like clouds giving him a scarce feeling of comfort.

The bath had relaxed him enough that his mind had finally stopped spinning, the ever turning cogs slowed down and he settled on the bed, wrapping himself in the blankets.

If he couldn’t escape his captors he might as well bathe in all the luxury that was available to him before it would get torn from his grasp.

Time ticked by as Loki drifted in and out of sleep. Whenever sleep got hold of him after a lot of tossing and turning, he was plagued by nightmares. As often as he dreamed of his tortures at HYDRA, just as often he dreamed about the Realm Eternal and his past that lay there. Yet, it seemed as if the good times that he had experienced on Asgard had been stripped from him and only the bad things that had happened played in front of his mind’s eye.

After a couple of hours in this vague awake yet dream-like state Loki gave up on sleep all together, just lying on his bed with his hands behind his head, staring at the darkness in front of his eyes.

A knock sounded on his door - as if he had a privilege of privacy with these captors - and Loki immediately recognized the person setting foot in his room. “What do you want, Thor?”

“To talk,” Thor answered as Loki felt the bed dip as the man sat down.

Loki had to resist the urge to turn his back to the Thunderer and pull the blankets over his head. Whatever he had in mind for him, talking or not, he wasn’t going to turn his back to someone who could crush him like the parasite he was.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Loki said with a dull voice.

“In that case you can listen.”

Loki raised an eyebrow at the sudden sass his brother displayed, but once again Thor seemed oblivious to how he felt and just fired off the words.

“After you had fallen we thought you dead. Mother and I mourned you for weeks. I pleaded with father to search for you, but he didn’t allow for it. He said that even if we found you the Bifrost was still destroyed and we were locked in Asgard.” Thor sighed. “And that was atop the fact if you were even still alive.

“It didn’t matter what I said to father, he didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to talk about you and I didn’t understand why.” Thor let out a wry laugh. “I didn’t understand a lot of things. I didn’t understand why you wanted to fight me back then or why you wanted to destroy the Jotunar. Mother told me. She told me why.”

Again Loki’s heart clenched at the mention of Frigga. He gritted his teeth, chasing the feeling of sadness away once again. Would he ever stop doing that? Would there ever be a time where he could think about Frigga without having the feeling of falling into a void?

Thor kept on talking, his voice a drumming sound at the edges of Loki’s hearing. He found that he only listened half to what the man said. Partly because he was processing all the words, and partly because he still didn’t care what Thor’s motivations had been.

“I was so young when father brought you home, I even forgot it had happened at all. It never once crossed my mind that you weren’t my blood. You are my brother, Loki.”

The amount of feeling Thor put in that statement made Loki wistful. He wished it could be true, wished he felt the same. The fact was, he didn’t.

“I never questioned why you were different.” Thor’s tone seemed to be a little more lighthearted now, but it still bore the solemness with which he had been speaking earlier. “You seemed to want to be different. You reveled in it. So much so that I never once questioned it. It never once crossed my mind that you felt left out.”

Something nudged at the back of Loki’s mind, a will to speak, to lace words and break Thor down with them. There weren’t any ties left, and he didn’t want to renew them either. The man had been the reason he had fallen, the reason for his suffering. Now Loki wanted to make him suffer for it.

“I blamed myself-”

And there it was. The opening he needed and the will to tear Thor to little pieces with words.

“As you should,” Loki bit.

Thor just continued as if Loki hadn’t spoken. Of course he would be ignored. Yet, Thor kept feeding him the openings he needed. “-I blamed father-”

“Rightly so. He lied to me my entire life.”

“-But most of all I blamed you,” Thor finished.

Loki halted for a brief second before he snidely replied, “That is ironic seeing it was your fault.”

“I don’t understand why you blame me, Loki!” Thor said frustrated. “It wasn’t my fault!”

A mocking laugh welled from deep from Loki’s chest. “Have you not been listening to what I said earlier,  _ brother _ ?” Loki spat the endearment. “ _ You _ were the one to make me fall.  _ You _ set this up.  _ You _ handed me over to HYDRA.  _ You _ preyed on a shortcoming  _ I _ didn’t even know I had. And you all did it because  _ you _ , just like Odin, could not handle having  _ me _ sitting on the throne!”

Tears were stinging Loki’s eyes and he had bolted up right in the middle of his rant, the pent up resentment finding its way out after all these years. “ _ You _ made me a shadow.  _ You  _ never once listened to a word I said.  _ You _ cast me aside and told me to know my place.  _ You _ attacked me, and above all-” Loki’s voice had risen so that he was practically shouting, “- _ you _ wanted to go to Jotunheim!”

The mattress shifted as Thor left his perch next to him and Loki pulled up the blankets to cover his naked form - after taking the bath he hadn’t even considered putting on clothing. He felt vulnerable like this, the blankets no guarantee for safety and his nakedness didn’t help either, but then again he wouldn’t be safe from Thor’s wrath if he chose to unleash it.

Thor’s silence aggravated Loki. “Do you have nothing to say?” he snidely asked. “No more boasts? No more denying?”

“What do you wish me to say, Loki?” Thor asked, the restrained anger apparent in his voice.

At the same time Loki choked on the audacity of that statement and wanted to sputter, he also found that his tongue was glued to his palate as he didn’t know what he wanted to hear.

An apology, maybe, but it was too late for that. Acknowledgement? A rebuke or maybe just some words of disagreement? Anything but the silence because even though Loki was well apt at filling a room full of silent attendants with words, he also needed words from others to manipulate them into doing his bidding. That was how it once had been.

At least Thor had stopped calling him brother…

The brief bout of anger he had felt before had depleted and the tears in his eyes had dried up. In its place came uncertainty, and Loki deflated, fumbling with his hands under the covers. “I do not know,” he admitted.

“Last time you made me fight you,” Thor mumbled, obviously with his back to Loki. “I’m not going to do that now.”

“Why not?” Loki spat. “Oh! It is because I am too weak. Because you would not attack a blind man. You have never had trouble before with fighting those who-”

“It is because I’m done fighting with you!” Thor interrupted harshly. Loki could hear him take a breath before he continued. “I don’t want to fight you anymore. I’ve been fighting you my entire life. No more, Loki. If you wish to stay here… If you wish to drive me away at every turn even when I want to help you, than so shall it be. I came here because my friends asked me to help you. If you cannot trust anymore on your own sense of right and wrong, cannot differ anymore between truth and lie…” Thor took in another deep breath that made Loki wonder if he was crying. “No more.”

“Great son of Odin who is giving up on fighting,” Loki bit sarcastically. “Here to retrieve his lost not-brother to take him home. What do you expect, Thor? That I would just readily accept and come along to the next prison? That you showing up here would just mend everything so you can reunite me with our fake family?” He scoffed. “You betrayed me and Odin cast me out. The only reason I would remotely consider going back to Asgard is for mother, and even that is questionable.”

“Mother always kept hope that you were still alive,” Thor muttered under his breath.

Another flare of anger coursed through his veins as Thor didn’t even acknowledge anything he had said. In fact, he had gone completely silent, even his breathing that was always noisy had gone still.

An eerie feeling crept over Loki’s spine. “Thor. What are you not telling me?”

“Mother passed away three years ago.”

That bombshell knocked the air from Loki’s lungs and it took him a split-second to recover from the news; if he had recovered from it at all…

“You are lying,” Loki breathed, denying it while he knew very well Thor was telling the truth. He felt it in his heart.

Thor’s answer was barely a whisper. “No.”

Violently the world got swept out from underneath Loki while at the same time it crumbled to bits around him.

He remembered every encounter he had had with Frigga while at the hands of HYDRA. Those encounters made sense now and one of them stood out more than the others. It was only logical, and though Loki wasn’t able to tell the passing of time, he now understood what had happened three years ago. He had spoken to his mother, her voice so very clear, the feeling so very real at the time.

_ “Loki.” _

_ The soft voice calling for him woke him from his nightmarish sleep. _

_ “Dry your tears, my son. It will not bode you well to cry over things that are lost,” Frigga said softly though he could hear her very clearly. _

_ He sat up from his curled up position on the cold, hard floor, his limbs stiff and painful. With the back of his hand he wiped over his face - wet from tears he didn’t know he had been shedding. _

_ “I dreamed you died,” he said with a broken voice. “The dark elf. He- I don’t understand.” _

_ “With time you will,” Frigga answered reassuringly, but underneath he could hear the sadness and sorrow in her voice. “This is farewell, my Lokasenna. Never forget that your family loves you.” _

After that, every time he had spoken to her it felt as if he had been talking through her while she was behind thick glass - her voice muffled in a way it hadn’t been before. The feeling of her had also been different, as if she had been farther away, out of his reach, and now he understood that those muffled encounters had been nothing more than figments of his own mind.

Loki’s throat constricted and the tears were already running silently down his face.

A warm hand landed on his shoulder and Loki lashed out as if he had been burned by that touch. It might very well have been the case because once Thor’s hand was gone his skin prickled painfully.

He wondered if it ever would change - if he ever could be touched again without experiencing pain of some sorts. Probably not, it had always been this way.

“Brother, I-”

“Don’t!” Loki cut him off gruffly. Quickly he dried his tears and put on a braver face because the more vulnerable he displayed himself, the more people would hurt him. They always did.

Thor made a broken noise in the back of his throat. “I only want to help you.”

Loki gritted his teeth. He didn’t need, didn’t  _ want _ , Thor’s help. Everything had been a lie. His entire life had been a lie, a joke, something to entertain and make the Norns laugh while they wove their fates for others.

Apparently he wasn’t the only one living the lie because Thor still held the illusion that he meant something to Loki. He did not. Not anymore. There might once have been a time when he did, when Loki had been blindly living the lie in some shrewd form of happiness, but it was gone now.

That same need to shred Thor to bits with words he had felt in their previous conversation washed over him again. Snidely he said, “You are not my family, Thor. You never were. Even if I had any family…” Loki trailed, letting the unspoken words and implication hang in the air.

“Return with me to Asgard. We-”

Loki interrupted Thor harshly. “I don’t see any reason to return with you to Asgard. There is nothing for me there.”

“There is nothing for you here, either,” Thor countered dryly.

Loki scoffed. “That might be true, but as you can see your ‘friends’ are keeping me captive. If I have the choice between staying here and going with you to Asgard, I rather opt for the first.”

“Are you so blinded by your hate for me that you can’t see I only want to help you?” Thor bellowed, his voice ricocheting of the walls.

“You do not want to help me!” Loki shouted back. “You are here only for yourself, so you can mend something that is broken beyond repair.” Then Loki deflated and he continued in a flat tone, exasperated and tired from this entire ordeal. “If you want to help me like you say you do; if you still hold any shred of love for me like you claim, then set me free. Otherwise, Thor, we are done and I do not want to see you ever again.”

“Loki…”

“No, Thor! There is no bargain here.” Loki crossed his arms in front of his chest, showing that he was very much done with this conversation and that he had made up his mind. “I have nothing more to say.”

Thor let out a sigh that sounded a lot like a sob, but Loki didn’t care. Even more so, Loki felt a slight pang of satisfaction at Thor’s turmoil. It served him right after he had betrayed and hurt Loki as he had done. For all his intentions in the world Thor might mean to do right, but he always did his adoptive brother wrong.

Loki had let people into his life and heart, and they had all hurt him. They had lied to him and betrayed him.

If he lashed out vicious and long enough Thor would get the message and leave him. It was better to sever the ties.

Safer!

Whatever ties there were left…

“You’re not beyond saving, brother. I shall not give up on you. Not this time,” Thor said as if he was swearing an oath.

Maybe he was.

“Do not make promises you cannot keep,” Loki murmured under his breath, but Thor probably never heard the words as the door fell shut with a click.

Loki was alone again. His muscles seemed to relax a fraction, but he still felt shaken.

He was shaking!

And now that Thor was gone the realization of all that he had said finally seemed to sink in. He should feel something over those facts, but instead he felt nothing. He was numb, the tears completely dried up, and that resulted in staring at something he couldn’t see like he so often did, his mind far away.

* * *

With a forlorn expression Thor entered the common room where the Avengers were waiting for him and he flopped down on the couch with a sigh.

“I take it that didn’t went well,” Tony said dryly.

Thor shook his head. “He doesn’t believe me. He thinks you’re holding him captive and I can’t convince him that you’re not HYDRA. He doesn’t want to go back to Asgard.” Thor sighed again, the weariness evident. “I don’t know how to reach him, how to change his mind.” Then he barked a dry laugh. “Loki has always been stubborn. I just… He is… I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, in a way Loki’s right, you know,” Tony said casually, drawing confused looks from the Avengers. With his arms crossed in front of his chest Tony walked to the window, speaking halfly over his shoulder. “Think about it; he ran away and we simply brought him back. Granted, he was in danger, but still. He’s been captive of HYDRA for five years and now we’re locking him up, thinking it’s for his own good. Can’t blame the guy for thinking like he does.”

Natasha and Steve nodded, agreeing with that statement.

“What do you want to do? Give him a bag and a fucking credit card and send him on his merry way?” Clint spat.

Tony swiveled on his heel and pointed a finger at Clint who startled. “ _ That _ is exactly what we’re going to do!”

“So we’re going to kick him out?” Clint asked incredulous. “I don’t see how that’s gonna be of any help.”

“No, we’re not ‘gonna kick him out’,” Tony mimicked the archer, “we’re going to give him the option to leave if he wants to.”

Thor pushed himself to his feet, a determined expression on his face. “I shall go with him.”

“Thor,” Natasha said softly. “If he wants you to come then by all means, but if he refuses, you shouldn’t.”

“But he is my brother!” Thor protested.

Natasha nodded. “Yes. But as we told you we’ve tried everything. I think he needs some time for himself and the freedom to make his own decisions. Think about it, he hasn’t been able to make choices for himself in five years.”

“But I can help him. I want to be with him. He needs me!”

“Thor,” she said carefully, making certain she had his attention. “Loki is not you. He handles things differently. You have to accept that. Don’t get me wrong, we’re all very glad you’re here, and we frankly thought you’d be able to help him, but maybe he needs to help himself first.”

Thor sank down to the couch and made a strangled noise in the back of his throat that could have been a sob. “Then what use am I here?”

“Help me,” Bucky suddenly said, drawing looks from the others. It wasn’t often that he spoke and when he did everyone always seemed startled by his rough voice. “We track down a couple of HYDRA-cells. See if there’s more information.”

“About you or him?” Tony pointed out with an arched eyebrow.

Bucky shrugged. “Both.”

Steve nodded. “Could be worth it.”

“And what if Loki doesn’t come back?” Clint asked, playing the devil’s advocate.

This time it was Natasha who shrugged. “We’ll deal with that when that happens.”

“I don’t like this. I would much rather bring him back to Asgard,” Thor huffed agitated.

“There’re a lot of things we’d rather see different, but these are the cards we’ve been dealt,” said Tony.

With a sigh that was pure frustration because of the helplessness, Thor nodded his agreement.

* * *

“Sir,” J.A.R.V.I.S. piped up, startling Loki, “Mr. Stark is asking if you would be so kind to join him in the common room.”

Loki rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. After Thor had left he hadn’t been sleeping, but he hadn’t been awake exactly either; just drifting somewhere in the inbetween. 

“I would rather not,” Loki admitted.

There was a brief moment of silence before the ceiling-voice answered again. “Mr. Stark says he could come to you, but that means everyone else will be coming too and that might be crowded.”

“And if I still refuse?”

Suddenly Stark’s voice blared through one of the devices that allowed him to speak to everyone in the building. “Damnit Loki. Don’t be so stubborn and get your ass down here!”

Loki’s brows furrowed before one arched upward. Apparently the man was slightly agitated and on some level it amused Loki, a little smile playing on his lips as he left his bed to put on some clothing.

Fine! He would comply to his captors wishes, if only it was because he didn’t want to get dragged out of his bed or his cell getting too crowded.

With a little help of J.A.R.V.I.S. he made his way to the common room, taking a deep breath before he entered. He didn’t go farther into the room than necessary and he resulted in leaning against the wall with his right shoulder (the left one still hurt), the door to his back for quick escape and his arms crossed in front of his chest.

Most of the HYDRA-Avengers were positioned on the couch or chairs except for the HYDRA-man, he was somewhere in a far corner on the other side of the room, his energy pattern unreadable, but not threatening.

The man Loki recognized as Stark approached him and something that landed with a thud at his feet made him flinch.

“Okay, big shot. You want to leave? Here you go.”

Confusion briefly spread through him. Loki didn’t have the vaguest clue what had landed at his feet or what the man meant with that statement. “What?”

Tony explained in rapid succession, some things not making quite a lot of sense. “You don’t want to be here and we’re no longer going to keep you here. Here’s a bag filled with clothing, food and water. There’s also a credit card in there so you can buy anything you need. Please don’t buy anything stupid. There’s a phone in there too to help you with whatever you need or to call us when something goes wrong. I don’t have a passport for you seeing you’re not from this planet, so don’t hop on a plane. Otherwise you’re free to go.”

It took Loki a moment to digest everything the man had said and his confusion had become apparent on his face as his brows were furrowed. Then everything clicked into place and he felt anger wash over him.

They had constantly said they couldn’t let him go, that they weren’t going to kill him or hand him over to HYDRA, and now they had found a way to rid themselves of him, just like they had said they  _ wouldn’t _ do!

“So you have finally found a way to rid yourself of me?” Loki bit snidely. “Are you sure this is what you want? You would not rather hand me back to him-” Loki jerked his chin to the man standing in the far corner, “-and receive payment for that bargain?”

“We don’t want any of this, Loki.” Tony’s voice was raising with every word in what Loki took for frustration. “But you can’t accept the help we want to give you so we’re with our backs against the wall! And again, we’re not HYDRA, Bucky is not, and we’re not going to hand you over to them!”

“I’m coming with you brother,” Thor said proudly,  _ forcingly _ , his voice booming through the room and making Loki flinch again.

“Thor, we talked about this,” Natasha said. “It’s Loki’s choice if he wants you to come with him or not.”

Again Loki felt that viciousness to hurt Thor, to push him away and to keep him at bay by any means possible, and he snidely said, “If I get the freedom to go anywhere I please, none of you is coming with me. And that includes you, Thor!”

As expected Thor wailed that sickening endearment, but the woman cut him short. Loki couldn’t help but smirk inwardly at that.

Still he felt the suspicion creep up on him. It wouldn’t be the first time that his captors had lied to him and this promise of freedom was probably no more than that. They talked about letting him go, but undoubtedly one of those things in the bag was perfectly able to keep track of his whereabouts.

“You are setting me free while handing me over a device that is well able to track me down and register my every movement,” Loki said warily.

Of course it was Stark who answered. “No. Normally I would have given you a phone connected to J.A.R.V.I.S., but I knew you wouldn’t trust that so I set up Jocasta on it. In case of emergency she can contact us or J.A.R.V.I.S. and Jocasta can answer all your questions if need be.”

“I do not see the difference,” Loki bit sharply.

“Well, there is a difference. You can leave the phone if you like, but I’m sure you wouldn’t find your way without it,” the man answered dismissive.

“You seem to forget that I am over a thousand years old. That I walked this realm long before your grandparent’s grandparents were even born. I-”

“Because it worked out so well last time,” Clint interrupted him snidely. “You don’t even know what a hotel is, do you?”

Loki’s head whipped into the direction of the archer, a scowl on his face before he reluctantly admitted, “No.”

“Point made,” Clint said casually. “Take the phone. The thing knows.”

Loki narrowed his blind eyes at the man, but let that specific subject go and went on to the next one. “And you are sending me away with no weapons? With no means for defence?”

“We’re not sending you away,” the captain suddenly spoke up. “We’re giving you the freedom to leave if you want to.”

Loki shrugged, not even caring to point out that there was, again, no difference.

Of course it was Stark again who spoke up, apparently he was the maker of the package still sitting at Loki’s feet. “It didn’t seem to deter and stop you the last time. You killed two. But there is a set of knives in there. Don’t cut yourself.”

At least they seemed to have thought about a thing or two before sending him away, though not everything.

“You could at least grace me with a decent pair of boots instead of these…  _ things _ ,” Loki said, having no clue what he was actually wearing for feeble footwear.

Tony sighed, the barely restrained frustration very apparent.

“I’ll get him a pair,” Clint said and left the room.

Loki briefly looked down at the item on the floor he couldn’t possibly see, more a gesture that he was thinking about the offer for a moment, and his fingers of his left hand found each other to fidget. It sent dull throbs of pain to his still injured shoulder, but the little jolts enabled him to keep a clear mind on the matter.

Still he sounded small when he spoke. “When do I have to leave?”

“Whenever you want,” the Captain replied. “Or not, whatever you want. Just let us know when you do leave.”

“Please don’t go, brother,” Thor suddenly pleaded. He must have been biting his tongue for quite some time.

Every snide and normal response Loki could think of died on his tongue. He wondered how they were manipulating him, how  _ he _ could manipulate  _ them _ , but there was no answer to that. They offered him what he had asked for days on end, what he had tried to achieve earlier, but now he was within reach of that freedom he felt a spark of fright.

However, the freedom he longed for was bigger than his fright. Even if that freedom was an illusion with the device in the bag. He would rather take his changes with trying to get away from them again only to be hunted down, instead of staying hauled up in this place. There might be nothing for him out there, but there  _ certainly  _ was nothing for him in here.

“Brother, please. Consider this well. I can still come with you if you’d like.” Thor didn’t sound convinced by his own words, yet he tried.

Loki wouldn’t have it; he had his mind made up and when he spoke he voice didn’t waver and he sounded determined and certain. “I shall take my leave.” Then he added, “Immediately, and alone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter it will be time for a road trip! As you could read in the A/N on the top it will take awhile before the next chapter will get published. In the meantime I’m asking you, my sweet readers, what would you like to see Loki do on his trip? Anywhere he should go? Anyone he should meet?  
> I thrive on comments <3  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After some time (Yes, it definitely took too long, but things happened.) this fic is back! I’m so happy writing this again. A big thank you to everyone who put ideas in my askbox and thank you all for your patience and support.  
> Since it has been some time since I updated this story, let me give you a little memory refresher.
> 
> **Recap** : Loki has been with the Avengers for a couple of weeks who have tried their best to help and heal him. To no avail; Loki is still blind as a bat. Bucky showed up at the tower and now Loki thinks the Avengers are HYDRA and that they wanted to hand him back to the cruel organization.  
> Unexpectedly Thor arrived, which only made matters worse. Loki thinks that Thor was the reason he fell from the Bifrost, that he had set this up with the Avengers and handed him to HYDRA.  
> The Avengers were sorely at a loss what to do with Loki, and since he had tried to flee earlier, they have given him a bag with supplies and told him he could leave if he wanted to. Loki, who had the choice between staying with the HYDRA-Avengers or going with Thor back to Asgard, took the opportunity to leave immediately.

Without much further ado Loki had gotten a pair of decent boots, and without reconsidering his decision to leave, he had picked up the bag and all but marched to the front door. Well, march… It had been more of a careful stride in which he had tried to keep his head high and not bump into anything with some help of J.A.R.V.I.S. and almost all of the HYDRA-Avengers in his wake, trailing after him like bees caught in his backsweep.

It annoyed him, not to mention that it made him anxious. What if this was another false promise? What if they stopped him at the front door? Before he had even reached the outside world? But none of that had happened and they had reached the ground floor without any of them stopping him.

Thor had been complaining and wailing the entire time, begging him not to go, or not to leave without him. After what must have been the tenth time Thor had asked him not to leave, and Loki denying him, Loki had forfeited answering him at all. Eventually Thor had given up.

Finally!

Tony - at least, he thought it was Tony - had given him an explanation about the credit card and now the man was informing him about hotels. Loki was only half paying attention.

Contrary to the last time, the foyer of the tower was empty now. Loki could almost taste the freedom and longed to just dash to the door and make a run for it.

Not a wise decision because he was still blind and thus he refrained from it.

“Do you understand?” the man asked him, pulling Loki from his reverie.

“Yes,” he lied and already turned to walk away when someone stopped him.

“Loki, wait.” It was the eye-prier with the raging beast lingering beneath his skin.

And there it was. Somebody wasn’t willing to let him walk out of here and of course it was the eye-prier. He seemed to be the one the most keen on experiments, so why would he let his prize walk away? Immediately Loki’s hackles raised while simultaneously his anxiety reared its ugly head as well. He tried not to show.

The man stepped forward and pushed something plastic and cylindrical that made a strange sound in his hands. “These are painkillers. For your shoulder,” he explained. “Take one a day.”

With an arched eyebrow Loki briefly gave a nod before shoving the bottle into the pocket of the weird Midgardian breeches he was wearing. He already considered ridding himself of the bottle at the first possible opportunity - everything these HYDRA-Avengers gave him were possible ways to track him or harm him. He wouldn’t put it past them that they would let him walk out here and just slowly poison him to retrieve him at a later point. Possibly to sell him to HYDRA or whoever paid the most for such a broken thing as him.

“Please, Loki. Don’t go,” Thor tried again.

Loki let out a weary sigh, partly because of Thor, and partly to find his composure again. He shook his head and turned to make for the door without saying another word.

Only time would tell how close he would come to his freedom and how long that would remain.

Behind him they bade him farewell, as if they didn’t expect to see him again and at the same time they  _ did _ expect to see him again. It made for a weird combination of tangled feelings.

If he needed anything he could call, or come back; that is what they told him. And of course Thor made a promise to find him again. Loki had to bite his tongue in order not to snap at him and tell him for the umpteenth time he didn’t want to see Thor ever again. It was an empty promise anyway - Thor hadn’t found him before, hadn’t cared, so why should he now?

With renewed confidence he stepped outside, breathing in the foul air of the city that tasted strangely fresher than he had anticipated. Last time he had left this place it had smelled less fresh, but maybe that had to do with the circumstances on how he had departed.

Loki didn’t know where to go or what he wanted, but it truly did not matter to him. He would gladly be anywhere except here. Well, almost anywhere. He was sure as Helheim not going back to the place of the group of vile men he had been last time, and he was also going to make sure he wouldn’t end up in such a place again.

Maybe one day he would go back to those men, but only to tear their entire place down and kill them all, just to get the sweet taste of revenge. If any of them were still alive, that was. The HYDRA-Avengers had probably done the job for him already.

Luckily for them they were third on the list. The moment he would have a shred of his power back, he would track Hydra first to take his sweet revenge, then these HYDRA-Avengers, and then them.

But for now, the world lay at his feet. With the bag dangling from his fingers and a lightness in his step he only had experienced when he had been at the park with two of those HYDRA-Avengers some time ago, Loki went on his way.

Alone.

* * *

The Avengers watched as Loki strode away, some of them with a heavy heart, others more happy to be rid of him.

“You sure he’s gonna make it?” Tony asked to nobody in particular.

“I can still go with him,” Thor offered eagerly, but Natasha shook her head, denying him once again.

Steve turned on his heel, ready to head back inside. “Going to make a call,” he mumbled.

“Ah, good for you!” Tony exclaimed. “Using technology like a proper human.”

Nobody responded to the quip and they went back inside, each with their own reservations.

* * *

Without knowing or caring where he was going, Loki wandered the streets of the Human city.

The sun was shining - he felt the warmth on his face - and yet there was a cold bite to the air. It was strangely pleasant and apparently he wasn’t the only one who shared that sentiment.

Humans were milling about on the busy street, going about their daily routines and what not. He could feel them quickly get out of his way as he made his leisurely stroll - only once in a while he collided with someone, yet, he was never the one to apologize for that inconvenience. Though it had him cursing under his breath as the unexpected impact hurt his shoulder; especially when they banged with their shoulder against his wounded shoulder.

Eventually the press of bodies began to take its toll. Sound was one of the few means he had to navigate, and thus he followed his hearing, searching for those crowded places to see what he would find. He found nothing, of course, and now the many voices around him were rising in a crescendo that made him anxious.

Stubbornly he kept on walking to whichever direction he felt, his index finger rubbing over the pad of his thumb - which annoyed his injured shoulder, but his other hand was occupied with the bag - his jaws clamped tight on each other. Yet, his stubbornness on the matter didn’t seem like a solution.

All of a sudden hollow pangs of pain wrecked his stomach.

Marvelous. Now he was hungry as well.

Loki halted in the middle of the street without regard for others. Nobody seemed to pay him any mind as he just stood there, people passing him left and right while his knuckles ached from the tight grip on his bag.

He finally had gotten what he had wished for; being free and alone, but now he was utterly lost.

He was alone in a big, Human city, nobody to help him except for a damned device he didn’t trust. He was hungry, getting tired, and he didn’t know what to do. Once he had understood this realm, or at least enough of it to make his way, but with his sight gone he now understood how little he actually knew.

Loki knew there must be a place where he could get food, yet he didn’t know how to attain it. He couldn’t read the signs as they were nothing more than slabs of wood or metal - if they were wood or metal at all and not those screens the Humans used. He could feel their electricity, but that was it.

Somebody bumped against his shoulder and Loki cringed, the other shouting that he should better watch where he was going.

As if he could!

Still he made way for the busy residents of the city, stepping to the side and sagging down against a wall on the street. He put his bag between his drawn up legs and with his hands he rubbed his face.

His stomach growled and yet with all his knowledge he didn’t know how to solve that problem. It was pathetic how a once God couldn’t even solve something as simple as his own hunger.

Loki contemplated to ask the device in his pocket for help, but he quickly discarded the idea as he was sure it was what the HYDRA-Avengers used to keep track of him. He could ask someone on the street, but the mediocre shred of pride he still had prevented him from doing that.

He was a God - once - he should be able to figure it out on himself, shouldn’t he?

It would be convenient if the HYDRA-Avengers were here now to explain it to him. Was this the moment they would pluck him from the street? Or were they just waiting for him to come to his own conclusion, going back to them on his own volition with his tail between his legs and having to take the brunt of their mockery? Maybe he should just go back? Take up on Thor’s invitation to go back to Asgard and just see what fate would await him there, whether it was good or bad.

Or maybe he should just beg them to put him out of his misery. Maybe this entire idea had just been stupid and wistful thinking. Maybe he was better off locked up in that place instead of out here. Without wolves napping at his ankles while insects wormed their way inside of his head to eat on the fraying threads of his unraveling mind.

“Hey man, you need help?” someone suddenly asked.

Loki’s head whipped up and he realised that tears had snuck up on him, again. His nails were digging in his palms and, of course, he was trembling which wasn’t exactly a feast for his injured shoulder. “I- I…” he stuttered, a believable lie eluding him. “I want something to eat, but I…” he faltered and the shred of pride he had a moment ago was gone. Grudgingly he admitted, “I do not know where to get it.”

“There’s a coffeehouse around the corner,” the unknown man said. “Their coffee is mediocre, but their sweet delights are a delight for your tongue.”

Loki nodded, but didn’t make an attempt to get up. It was some useful information, but he was so utterly helpless, he  _ felt _ so utterly helpless, that he didn’t know how to proceed with the information.

“Come on man, let’s get you off the street,” the stranger said a little compelling. “I’ll help you get something to eat. Just, grab my hand and I’ll haul you to your feet. Right in front of your face.”

Without even questioning the man’s motivations Loki grabbed the offered hand and, true to his word, the man pulled him up. When he was on his feet, Loki immediately let go of the man’s hand, not wanting to touch someone any longer than necessary.

“Now, grab your gear and let’s get something to eat. No offense, but you look like you need it,” the stranger joked.

A timid nod was all Loki had to offer and he grabbed his bag, following the man as he moved. After a few steps his trembling had stopped and minutely he began to relax a little more, happy to have someone to guide him. It evoked some vague memories of his previous life in Asgard where maids or guards escorted him around castles and palaces.

_ To command you _ , said a little, vicious voice in the back of his head, but Loki quickly shoved it away.

“You’re new to the city?” his new companion asked.

“Yes,” Loki replied curtly, wanting to rub his fingers, but found that he couldn’t. In one hand he was holding his bag, and his left arm was still painful to use due to the healing shot-wound in his shoulder.

Suddenly the man grabbed his upper right arm and pulled him a step to the side. Loki had to clamp his jaws together in order not to make a pathetic sound of pain. He was quite sure the agony and dismay of that action was etched on his face for a moment. Though the contact hadn’t been direct, the sudden change of direction had jostled his body and that was enough to hurt him.

“Sorry for that. Some people just don’t watch where they’re going. Always busy on their phones,” the man sighed as he let go. “Where’s your dog? Your cane?”

Loki’s brows furrowed at the odd question, already forgotten that the other had touched him, the throbbing pain in his shoulder enough occupation for his mind.

“I do not have them,” Loki answered flatly, but it sounded more like a question.

The man hummed and then said, “Here, on your right.”

Loki could feel the man veer away from him and noticed the vague outlines of a building and an entrance in which the man was standing.

Once he had followed suit, Loki was overwhelmed with the many people buzzing around at the place and the different - some assaulting - smells. Immediately he felt a spark of anxiety and a slight tremor wrecked his system. Of course the tiny movement hurt his shoulder.

“I’m Sam, by the way,” the man said to him as a matter of conversation. “We’ve already given each other a hand so I’ll save you the hassle.”

“Loki,” he introduced himself curtly.

“What can I help you with, sir?” a woman asked.

“Go ahead. You order first,” Sam encouraged.

Once again it made Loki feel as if he was being treated like a child, but he couldn’t deny that he didn’t  _ feel _ like a child. A small child lost in a big world in which he was helpless. It was maddening and pathetic. He was older than all the Humans combined in this room and yet he seemed to know the least.

“I like chocolate paste,” Loki murmured under his breath, not knowing what to ask for nor what the woman behind the counter could do with that information.

Apparently it had been loud enough for her to hear him, and it was something she could work with, as she said, “We have donuts filled with chocolate and croissants. Whichever you like.”

Loki never had either one of those and he couldn’t deny that he was curious. “I shall have both,” he sternly said, trying to rid himself of the helpless feeling and trying to dig up something of the Prince he once had been. Maybe if he could satisfy some outrageous wishes only a Prince could make - and would get - he would feel a little better. Something he didn’t have the luxury of when captured by HYDRA or their special branch of Avengers.

“Anything else?” the woman asked politely.

Loki deflated and shook his head. Thus far outrageous demands…

“I’ve placed the bags on the counter before you,” she said helpful. “That’ll be ten dollar and fifty five cents.”

Hungrily Loki grabbed the bags, walking away to-

“Sir! You have to pay for that.”

“Sorry for that,” Sam intervened, sounding as if he jumped in to save something. Lightly he grabbed Loki’s wrist to stop him from walking away. Just as quickly he let go while maintaining the conversation with the woman. “My friend here is new. I’ll pay for him and can you add two jelly-donuts to the order? Thank you.”

Loki’s fist clenched around the paper bag, wanting to open it, but not having a free hand to do so. He hated this human life-style. As soon as he had a shred of his Seidr back he would make sure he would have a dimensional pocket again to store that annoying bag.

“Come,” Sam bode him, leading them to a table so they could sit down and eat.

Hungrily, and a little impatient, Loki tore open the bag, digging out the first item his fingers found and taking a large bite. As always he got overwhelmed by the strong taste - something that hadn’t changed either - but stubbornly he chewed on the bite.

Come to think of it, very little had changed. Yes, he may have his freedom now, but he was still blind, he had trouble with eating and sleeping, and even though he wasn’t at the wicked hands of HYDRA or their Avengers anymore, his body still ached.

Sam’s laughter brought a halt to his thoughts that threatened to plummet him into a dark spiral. “You weren’t joking about being hungry,” the other pointed out.

Loki didn’t share the mirth and lowered his food, feeling chastised and quickly swallowing the bite as if the food would get torn from his grasp any moment. Yet, he couldn’t help but being curious. “Why are you helping me?” he asked with a voice that sounded as small as he felt.

“Cause you need it,” Sam clarified. “Eat.”

He took another bite of whatever food item he was holding to please Sam - a tiny glitch in his mind that still celebrated and functioned very well on orders as HYDRA had instilled in him. Frankly, he wasn’t hungry anymore, but he also knew he should eat.

After a couple of moments of silence, and chewing, Loki carefully said, “You surely have better things to do than help…  _ me _ .”

“Nope, it’s my day off.”

With a gesture of his left hand to accentuate his point - which sent a jolt of pain through his shoulder - Loki said sourly, “My point exactly.”

“Nah, I’m happy to help,” Sam replied sounding relaxed. “What happened to your shoulder? You look like you’re in a lot of pain. You didn’t get any pain-killers for that?”

Loki stopped chewing as he got reminded of the bottle the eye-prier had given him, still stuffed in his pocket. He dug out the plastic container and put it on the table in front of him.

Sam hummed. “You should take one of those. They help. Had them once when I got wounded.” Then he laughed. “Took too many on the first day and I was high as a kite for hours.”

Wondering if he even could get high from Human medication, Loki cracked open the bottle and took one out. He would be pleasantly surprised if the painkillers worked at all. HYDRA had tested every type of toxin and Norns-know-what available to mankind on him and only a few of those had had an affect.

The pill lay heavy in the palm of his hand and had he been able to see, he would have been staring at it. He  _ was _ staring at it! When he had received the bottle he had stuffed it away quickly and he had wanted to rid himself of the thing as soon as possible due to possible tracking devices from the HYDRA-Avengers it could contain. But now someone was encouraging him to take a pill and it left him in dubio.

On the other hand, he still had the device from whom he had forgotten the name in his bag, and the last time he had tried to slip away from the HYDRA-Avengers they had found him even  _ without  _ tracking devices. They were watching anyway, trackable pain-killers or not.

They would come for him, eventually…

Loki popped the pill in his mouth and chewed on it.

“Whoa!” Sam exclaimed baffled. “You don’t want water with that?”

Quickly, a bitter taste coated Loki’s tongue as he chewed the medicine and a look of horrid disgust he couldn’t control formed on his face.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. You need to swallow them hole with some water, not chew on them. You really aren’t from around here, are you?”

Loki shook his head, his tongue literally glued to his palette as the awful taste filled every inch of his mouth. It made him nauseous.

“Hang on,” the other said and then the press of Sam’s aura across from him was gone.

With a wrinkled nose Loki tried to rid himself of the taste, rubbing his tongue over his palette, but it wouldn’t go away.

“Here,” Sam said once he had returned, placing something next to Loki’s right hand. “Drink that, it’ll rid of the nasty taste.”

Grudgingly Loki obliged, his brain both celebrating and hating the command, and sipped whatever contents there were in the glass. The sweet taste of the liquid mixed with the bitter taste of the medicine and it made him even more nauseous. This was horrendous! Luckily, the disgusting taste washed out of his mouth quickly.

Feeling testy, he took another sip of the drink. He didn’t know what it was, but Loki found that he quite liked it, and the look of utter disgust replaced itself with a meager smile.

“Yeah. Thought you’d like that. It’s a cold chocolate coffee. Good thing they sell them here.”

Carefully Loki put the glass down and nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered.

“Hey, no problem.”

In silence they ate their meal. Loki didn’t know what to say and suddenly he found himself engrossed again by his food. He really liked these chocolate stuffed pastries and he would make sure to remember them so he could have them more often. The chocolate coffee wasn’t bad either and it was a pleasant mix of sweet and bitter.

When they were done eating, they left the coffeehouse.

Standing on the curb Loki made no move to go anywhere. He wanted to go somewhere, yet he didn’t know what or where.

Sam seemed to notice. “Anything else you need help with? You have any money or something else to pay stuff with?”

“No. I shall manage,” Loki lied. “I have a card of some sorts with which I can pay.”

“Then why did you have me paying?” Sam asked jokingly. “Next time make sure to use it before walking away and the next round is on you.”

Loki nodded meekly.

“If you’re good, I’m gonna go.”

That comment grated on Loki’s nerves. He wasn’t ‘good’. Far from it, in every meaning of the word, but he wasn’t going to bother this stranger with it.

“Don’t forget to take those pills. One a day. Till we meet again, Loki.”

“Until we meet again,” he parroted and then the man was gone, leaving him alone on the streets of the big, busy, unknown city.

* * *

Loki had wandered through the city until he had found a bench that was surrounded by a small patch of greenery. The numbness in his limbs indicated that he had been sitting there for quite some time, but he liked the tranquility of the place. It wasn’t completely devoid of sounds of the city; the road not far behind him noisy and the vehicles the Humans used still leaving their foul mark in the air, but it was better than nothing.

The little patch of greenery reminded him of Frigga’s garden. How the flowers unfolded their petals on a warm day, small bird chirping and hopping about near the fountain and the butterflies dancing around in the sky.

There she had taught him a lot about Seidr when he was younger and, at a later age, he had often found himself in the garden to read or to calm down after someone had ruffled his feathers.

Pangs of sadness, regret and loss filled his heart and soul as he thought of the place.

_ “Mother passed away three years ago.” _

Thor’s words hovered around in his mind, trapped within the confines of his skull with no way out, hurting him,  _ tormenting _ him. He didn’t think he would ever be able to think of her again without his stomach clenching painfully.

Slowly fatigue settled in his bones, the events of the day having worn him down more than he liked to admit. It was pathetic. Once he had been able to go days without sleep, traveling the Nine chasing a magical object without rest. Now he couldn’t even last for half a day without feeling drained.

Of course, things weren’t so simple now. Back when he had been a prisoner he had a place to sleep. Now, on the other hand he had nothing but his freedom. Briefly he considered curling up underneath the bench, but that would just be an open invitation for those who meant harm. Or an easy target for the HYDRA to retrieve him.

He raked his brain, trying to find a solution when he remembered someone telling him something about a hotel. Loki had already concluded it was the same as an inn, just like they had on Asgard. He had never been in one, seeing it was completely below his stature, but now it might prove a solution.

However, where does one find such a place?

He could ask someone, but the street and greenery was currently less busy than it previously had been. Maybe it was already night? Or dusk? He didn’t know.

Loki opened his bag, feeling around between the clothes until his fingers curled around the device he was looking for.

Carefully he plucked it out of the bag, staring at it out of habit, not knowing what to do with it. The device was cool and smooth to the touch; no weird nubs or anything else that indicated that it was useful. How did this thing work?

He gave it a little shake. Apparently that was enough to make it flare to life. “Hello Loki,” a pleasant female voice said. “I’m Jacosta. How may I help you?”

“I…” he began, but the courage he had felt moments before sunk into his boots. He had made the stupid mistake of comunicating with the thing and now the HYDRA-Avengers were aware of his whereabouts.

Anxiety riddled his system. Without the possibility to fidget - his left arm did hurt a little less, but every movement was still painful, his right hand holding the device - he resulted in rubbing the smooth surface of the device instead.

“Loki. I’m noticing it’s dark outside. Would you like me to find you a place to sleep?”

With a sigh, his head dropped a little. This device seemed to know everything about him as well. He was never going to be free of HYDRA’s grip. Maybe it was better to accept it now than fight it constantly. It was a lost battle anyway.

He should enjoy his freedom while he still had it. One way or another, he would end up as their pet again, and right now there was very little he could do about it.

“Yes,” he whispered.

* * *

An intense conversation with Jacosta later, Loki was on his way to a Hotel called Roosenvelt.

The device had suggested some hotels that didn’t sound alluring. If he was going to stay on the radar of those HYDRA-Avengers, he might as well bath in all the luxury he could still get.

Helpfully the device told him when to go left or right and quickly he found himself standing in front of what must be the hotel.

Loki was feeling anxious again, his fingers rubbing over the smooth surface of the device. Even though it was late at night, people had still been up and about - more than he had initially thought there were.

Carefully, he made his way up the steps until he had reached the front door. “Good evening, Sir,” someone said and then the person moved in front of him. “Please, come in.”

Loki concluded that the man was holding the door for him and he couldn’t help but smile a little at that. At least it was a familiar feeling and it briefly worked as a countermeasure to his anxiety.

His footsteps echoed off the floor as he walked to the counter, voices of guests drifting around in the foyer and giving him a slight sense of the size of the space.

“Good evening, Sir,” the man behind the counter greeted. “My name is Jonathan. How may I help you?”

“I would like a room,” Loki answered a little timid.

“And for how many nights?”

Loki was silent for a moment, his brows furrowing. How many nights? How would he know? Maybe he wanted to leave tomorrow, or maybe he would end up with another panic attack and wouldn’t come out of his bed for three weeks straight. Maybe HYDRA came to collect him tomorrow, or in five years. He didn’t know. How did one anticipate on that?

Apparently Loki’s silence and doubt was enough answer for the man. “Your stay isn’t limited to days or weeks, is it?”

“No,” he answered, shaking his head.

“That is not a problem at all, Sir,” the man answered, tapping noises coming from behind the counter. “What type of room would you like? We have-”

“The biggest and most luxurious you have available,” Loki interrupted him, putting his chin up. Hopefully the feeling of bravado would linger a little longer to get him through this conversation.

“That would be the King Suite for five hundred dollars per night.”

Well, that seemed like an adequate accommodation. A suite for a King fit for God like him. Then why did it feel like he was overstepping? He was a nobody, a nothing, a parasite. King of nothing, God of even less.

His bravado slipped back into his boots.

He also had no idea if five hundred dollars was a lot of money or not. If he placed it in the perspective of the meal he had shared earlier with Sam, it was expensive, but seeing as he had been given a card from the HYDRA-Avengers, it didn’t truly matter. Would there be a limit on the card? It hadn’t been mentioned.

Once again his silence was taken as an answer. “We have a less luxurious room for half of that price,” the man offered.

“No!” Loki all but barked, suddenly having found his voice and courage again. If he could get the best, he was going to take the best! He had had nothing for years and now it was being offered to him he wasn’t going to let it slip through his fingers. “I shall have the King Suite,” he said haughty.

“Very well, Sir.”

A little smirk formed on his lips, glad with the accomplishment.

“Sir, you need to fill out a form before I can check you in, but ah…” the man trailed.

“Yes, I am blind,” Loki huffed irritated, “therefore, no, that is not a possibility.”

“I’d be more than happy to fill it in for you. If you don’t mind?”

Well, that was helpful. Why should he fill in a form when he had someone to do it  _ for  _ him? On Asgard he had had many servants and the like for such tasks. It made him feel a little bit more in control and a little bit more like his former self. Ironically, because he still had and was nothing.

Loki nodded.

“What is your date of birth?”

An eyebrow shot to Loki’s hairline. “I fail to see why that is of importance,” he grated. Not to mention that if he truly gave his date of birth the man wouldn’t believe him.

“It’s just common procedure,” the man answered politely, but Loki caught the slight hint of irritation in the man’s voice - a sentiment he began to share.

“What more information do you require?” he required slightly irked.

The man thumped up a long list of information he needed, most of which Loki didn’t know, didn’t want to share, or simply didn’t have.

It irritated him and he didn’t understand why the Humans needed all that information. But underneath that irritation lurked his anxiety like a dark beast prowling the borders of its confinement. Half a shudder which he caught just in time ran over his spine as he minutely came close to the beast. Quickly he retreated, pushing it away with haughtiness.

With a roll of his blind eyes he plucked the card he had been given from his bag, sliding it towards the man. “This is all I have. My name is Loki, and that is all the information you need.”

He made sure to make it sound definitive, as if he didn’t broker any argument, which he didn’t. The anxiety still scratched his insides and he was glad his voice hadn’t wavered.

“Sir. I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a chamber without some vital information.”

The man seemed unmovable, and an odd sense of offense mixed with his building panic. “You are turning away a guest because one does not wish to provide such information? This is unacceptable.”

“Sir, please. Could you at least give me your surname?”

The question seemed to put a halt on Loki’s growing irritation. Surname? He didn’t have a surname. He had denounced the house of Odin to which he belonged once long ago and that had left him with his first name only. He had killed his biological father and he also didn’t want to have any affiliation with the monster he was. Right now he was Loki, child of nobody, a God of nothing, no more than a parasite. Just Loki.

He clenched his teeth on each other hissed, “I do not have a surname.”

Apparently his displeasure about the subject had fallen on deaf ears and the man behind the counter airily said, “Sure you do. Everyone does.”

“I do not!” His sudden outburst came as a surprise to him as well and immediately he went down the path his mind always went; reel in that anger or you will get punished. A slight tremor went through his body, the anxiety of pending punishment combined with his anger and tiredness. And pain he got, his shoulder immediately taking retaliation for the uncontrolled movement he had just made.

Suddenly someone was standing next to him and briefly Loki’s fingers curled at his side at the threat. He had been so engaged with the man behind the counter that he had failed to notice someone had been standing behind him. How long had the person been standing there?

“Jonathan,” the person - a woman - next to him said. “You know what this is right? This is a credit card on the name of Stark Industries,  _ the _ Stark Industries. Even you must understand that not everyone gets one of those provided. And this one even is platinum.”

“Yes, but-” the man behind the counter tried, only to be cut off by the woman again.

“You also  _ know _ who live with Mr. Stark. I truly see no need as to why this man needs to reveal his identity. You have an address and name from the card, I am sure this would suffice. If this man is suddenly gone, you know to whom to address the bill.”

There was a moment of silence and then the man receded with a small voice, “Yes, ma’am.”

“Good,” she said stern, but happy. “And while you’re at it I would like-”

Loki tuned out of whatever the woman was demanding. Slowly he took a couple of breaths to calm his anger and nerves, but the anxiety kept nipping at the fraying edges of his mind.

He was grateful that the woman had stepped in to help him; he wouldn’t have known what to do otherwise. He also made sure to remember what she had said in case he needed it another time.

“Sir?”

The voice breaking his contemplation sounded irritated and forceful, clearly wanting something from him, and his calm demeanor disappeared like snow before the sun. Back was his panicking mind.

“Yes?” Loki’s voice sounded tired and hollow even to his own ears.

Apparently it had been the man who had pulled him from his reverie. “Can we get your bag upstairs for you?”

He shook his head, not wanting to answer due to fear of a wobble in his voice. It was but a single bag. He could hold it and an unexplainable part of him didn’t want to part with his meager possessions.

“We’ll have someone guide you to your room,” the man said.

“Oh, that won’t be necessary, Jonathan,” the woman still beside him interrupted. “I’ll show him. We’re on the same floor and I think you’ve done enough.”

Loki could feel the man’s aura shift to sourness and he had to refrain himself from smirking. Whoever this woman was, she knew how to play her game and the man knew he was being dismissed. The encounter reminded Loki of himself, back when he still had been a Prince.

When he had been someone…

“Please, Mister Loki, follow me,” she said, not laying a hand on him and fully confident that he could make his own way - which he could.

With his bag between curled fingers, he followed her and he almost jumped out of his boots when someone else joined them. The anxiety that was rocking to and fro in his body washed over him again like a tidal wave, and just as quickly did it retreat when nothing nefarious seemed to happen.

The fear must have shown on his face as she clarified, “My husband. He’s coming too.”

“Naturally,” Loki mumbled, gripping his bag a little tighter.

The three of them got into the elevator. Once the doors were fully shut, he could feel the woman’s demeanor change from regal to warm and caring. “Don’t mind Jonathan,” she said. “He has a lot on his mind lately. He means well.”

“I am grateful for your help,” Loki mumbled, looking down at a floor he couldn’t see, the beast of panic still testing the fences of its cage.

“No problem, Loki. I know who you are. You have a Stark card, make good use of that name. It’ll get you places.”

“K-know who I am?” he stuttered, a little taken aback. As far as he knew he was a nobody on this planet, his name not known to the public. How would she know?

Fear clawed at his insides. Maybe she was HYDRA? Then she would indeed know who he was. She would inform them and soon he would be back in-

Her soft chuckle halted his thoughts. “I know my Norse Mythology,” she explained, his fear diminishing a bit. “Thor has been on earth six years ago, you have a Stark card, you do not wish to tell your last name. The math isn’t that difficult.”

A little numb and dumbfounded Loki nodded, his chest constricting weirdly at the name of his not-brother.

“Might I also suggest that next time someone wants your surname to try ‘Friggason’?”

Loki’s head whipped up, his blind eyes scanning the metal box for her form and his breathing coming shallow. “Friggason,” he parrotted breathless, testing the name on his tongue.

Why hadn’t he thought of that? It made so much sense and the name didn’t feel as if it was stabbing him with mockery from every angle. A testimony to his beloved mother. It gave him a sense of something safe and secure.

Before Loki could say another word, he discovered that it was the custom for every elevator on this planet to make a happy ‘ding’ sound when one arrived on their designated floor. With a soft woosh the doors parted.

“Come,” she bade, the woman and her husband stepping out of the elevator.

Silently, Loki followed.

“This is your room,” she explained, stopping short in front of a slab of wood between the concrete that must be the door. “I’m going to touch your right hand, okay?”

A shuddering breath found its way to his lungs and Loki was glad that she explained and asked for his consent before touching him. Unlike so many others.

He gave a small nod.

Warm fingers curled around his, something cold, sturdy and flat being placed in his hand. She didn’t let him go.

“This is your card to get into your room.” She guided his hand towards the door and he felt something else made of metal and what he presumed was plastic as well. “This is the card reader. You have to stick the card in there and then-” a sharp tone resonated through the hallway, “-the door will open with a beep.”

Still holding his hand she took a step forward, slightly pulling him with her and placing his hand on another device that felt the same as the previous one. “Stick the card in here to turn the lights on, though I suppose you don’t need it.”

Her words weren’t mocking or condescending, but warm and gentle. It made Loki feel a little better, but the moment was short-lived.

She let go of his hand and took a step backwards, out of his chambers. “If you need anything, I’m two doors down the hall. Number five. The numbers on the door are made of metal, so you should be able to feel them in order to read them.”

“Thank you,” Loki said, trying to replicate her warm and gentle tone. He truly meant his gratitude and he wasn’t one to say such words quickly or without reason.

“Any time,” she said warmly and then seemed to retreat. “Enjoy your evening.”

Her last words were replicated by her spouse who Loki had almost forgotten was there as well. Then she was gone, leaving him alone in the hallway of his chambers.

His fingers uncurled from his bag and it dropped to the floor with a thud.

He had just half a mind to close the door while he quickly scanned the room with his energy reading. The information that nobody was there came back just in time.

No longer was he able to stave off the beast of anxiety, and viciously it clawed its way to the surface, wreaking havoc in his mind.

His body didn’t want to support him any longer and he dropped to the floor, his knees colliding with the surface hard. Bending in over himself, he slumped forward, his back arched as he pushed his forehead against the floor. Clawing fingers found purchase on the back of his head and in his hair while bitter tears spilled down his cheeks as tremor after tremor wrecked his body.

A tornado of feelings mixed with numbness was going around in circles in his body and mind. His head throbbed, his shoulder even more so, and the harder he fought against it, the worse it got.

There was nothing he could do and thus Loki surrendered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are curious: Google where the Stark tower is and where the Roosenvelt hotel is ;-) I also thrive on comments <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it wasn’t meant to happen that the update on this fic would take so long, but chapter twelve is of such importance to the story that I truly had to take my time with it (and this one as well to create a proper build up). Alas, here we are, finally! I’m not sure when chapter twelve will be up, I’m also trying to work through my writer’s block. This chapter is slightly shorter than usual, but I’ll make it up to you!

Eventually Loki had gotten off the floor and had made his way to the bed. He vaguely had sensed the size of his chambers; a living room with a couch and low table, a bathing area to his left, and across from it, the bedroom.

Without taking his clothing or boots off, he had slumped down on the soft mattress, pulling the covers over his head to block out the world. Sadly, he couldn’t block out his mind, something he furiously wished.

Luckily he wasn’t tormented by his whirling mind very long and the nothingness of sleep took him away from the exhausting events of the day.

* * *

A knock on the outer door of his chambers woke him from his fitful sleep.

“Housekeeping!”

The muffled voice reached his ears and fuzzy brain slowly. Now people were going to set foot in his chambers, but he lacked the energy to get up, let alone to tell them to remove themselves from his chambers. All he wanted was to block out the world, not face another day of his miserable life.

With only half a mind, he kicked off his boots, pulling the covers over his head and burying his face in the pillow. He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to get out. He didn’t want to do anything. Just lying there and waiting for the world to swallow him whole.

It didn’t matter anyway. HYDRA would soon be on his doorstep to retrieve him. Why would he even bother to enjoy his freedom?

As expected the outer door of his chambers opened, someone entering.

Sounds of machines which he had started to associate with Midgardian cleaning devices came from the other side of his bedroom door. It was too loud, too painful, but his annoyance of the situation was not enough to get him to solve the problem.

Inevitably, the door to his bedroom was pushed open, the person halting one step into the room. “Oh shit,” someone mumbled softly and then louder, “I’m terribly sorry, Sir. I didn’t know you were still here. I shall leave at once.”

Just as quick as the person had entered his bedroom, just as quickly they left his chambers all together.

Loki breathed a sigh of relief, the beast of anxiety already clawing at its confines, his body slightly trembling underneath the false safety of the covers.

He wanted to go back to sleep. Not only because he was tired, but also because he didn’t want to be awake. The waking world brought him nothing, his new gained freedom was just a lie. When he had been with the HYDRA-Avengers at least that woman had been around to pull him from his bed, but now nothing or nobody stopped him from staying there.

Deep sleep seemed to elude him for some time, his mind playing tricks on him.

Sometimes he thought he was in his prison with the HYDRA-Avengers. Other moments he jolted awake, thinking he was in his cold cell with HYDRA. And once he got the feeling as if he were still on Asgard.

Each and every one of those moments was highly unpleasant, making him feel anxious and lost.

Loki tumbled between sleep, a shallow reverie and flashes from the past in which he got trapped while the hours ticked away without the knowledge of time.

* * *

“Housekeeping!” The words drifted to his ears as he was lying on his back, staring at nothing.

Loki was already awake, a vicious nightmare the evil-doer. The beast of anxiety had escaped its cage and had been tormenting him for some time now. He just let it. There was no use in fighting it. The uncontrollable shivering was hurting his shoulder and head, but he didn’t want to solve that problem either.

It was of no use.

Why should he?

The door to his bedroom opened quicker than the previous time - the Human hadn’t started cleaning the living area of his chambers yet.

“Oh, I’m sorry Sir. I thought I could clean your chambers since there was no sign on the doorknob,” said a woman pleasantly.

Confusion swept over him, and with a withering glare that barely kept his panic at bay, he turned his head to the person still standing in the door opening.

The audible gulp from the woman gave him some shred of satisfaction.

“I see,” she mumbled and then she swore under her breath at the mistake in wording she had made. “My apologies. I’ll leave.”

With a soft click the door fell shut, the satisfaction Loki had felt at her discomfort making way once more for trembling and anxiety.

All of a sudden he was irritated by the itchy fabric of the human garb he was still wearing. As quick as his throbbing shoulder allowed, he took them off, discarding the clothing somewhere on the floor.

Briefly he wondered why he hadn’t done that before. Immediately he felt less overheated and, in contrary to what his captors had given him, the fabric of these blankets didn’t itch or irritate his skin. It was a close resemblance to the Vanir silk he used to wear.

Still, it did nothing to take away how utterly hopeless and desperate he felt, nor did it tame the beast. Tears which had no cause at all began to form in his eyes and thus he pulled the covers over his head again - as he had constantly done since he had arrived here - burying his face in the soft pillow and tried to block out the world.

* * *

Apparently housekeeping had given up. Loki hadn’t heard of them anymore. If they did their job on a daily basis they should have been around, because even though he had no real sense of time, his biological clock told him that days must have passed.

Now he was facing that dreadful problem of hunger again and if he wanted to solve it, he would have to leave the safety and softness of the bed. And, even worse, he had to face the world.

And Humans…

Loki lay there for a long time, debating his options - which were none - and postponing the inevitable.

Reluctantly he dragged himself out of bed, nearly tripping over his discarded clothes which had ended up on the floor, and made his way to the bathing area.

It took him some time to figure out how to turn on the shower and not burn alive underneath the spray - where elevators all had the same, cheerful dings, showers apparently differed from place to place.

_ At least it wasn’t a hose-down _ . The thought made him shudder.

Loki found little bottles of what must be liquid soap and shampoo, and without knowing which was which, he just picked one to rinse his hair and entire body with.

His fingers skimmed over his naked body and it startled him. He had become so thin that his ribs and other bones were protruding! And where once had been honed muscles there was now only soft flesh.

It made him feel weak and fragile.

Loki hadn’t been the most fierce warrior of Asgard as he relied on his Seidr, but with even that gone and no more physical strength at all, he might as well be Human.

A little petrified he turned off the shower after he had rinsed off the soap and he stepped onto the soft cloth that was a barricade between his feet and the cold tiles on the floor. Absentmindedly he felt around for a towel to dry himself.

How  _ did  _ he even look like at the moment? He knew his once fair skin was riddled with scars, small and big ones. The HYDRA-Avengers had once mentioned that his eyes were milky, now with the barest hint of green in his irises, but otherwise he had no clue.

Carefully his fingers came up to explore his face. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary except that the skin around his eyes felt a little dryer. Was that scarred as well? What color was the skin around his eyes? Red? Black? Normal? He truly didn’t know and it distressed him.

Knowledge had always been important to him, whether it be about the world around him, or about himself. Now he had neither and it struck fear into his heart.

It wasn’t that he feared he couldn’t woo someone over anymore - that was something that was at the bottom of his non-existing priority list - but it was the fact that he didn’t have the knowledge. Not anymore. It was something he had always held onto, which had given him his strength and prowess aside from his Seidr, and now it was gone.

Loki felt a strange sense of loss.

A trembling hand came up to push fingers through his hair, only to get tangled within the knots of the long strands.

Suddenly he doubted everything. Was his hair still raven black or had that changed color as well? Was he still tall? It didn’t feel like it; he constantly felt small. And then his heart began to hammer so hard in his chest that it was almost painful.

_ Was his skin still Aesir or had it turned Jotun without his knowledge? _

The severe panic had him riveted on the spot. He couldn’t move, couldn’t even walk to the bed to block out the world and thus, instead, he slumped to the floor.

_ He was cold. So, so cold. _

_ The restraints placed around his being disabled him from moving a limb. The space was cramped and he could feel the glass and plastic walls of his confines close to his being. _

_ Cold. So cold. _

_ And it got colder with every passing second. _

_ He couldn’t escape. He couldn’t break his bonds. Locked up in a small box, half upright, the hissing sounds around him a deafening cacophony. _

_ The cold sank deeper and deeper into his skin. He wasn’t one to be bothered by cold, but this was too cold. It  _ did _ bother him. It was colder than Jotunheim. _

_ Still the temperature dropped and dropped. _

_ It stung his lungs and bones. His teeth were chattering and his mind was deafened by an endless scream that couldn’t pass his lips. _

_ So cold… _

_ He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t bear this. It was too cold, even for him! _

_ Then it began. Slowly at first, a tingle underneath his skin, and slowly it spread throughout his being. The feeling was familiar, but he had only felt it twice. _

_ Once on Jotunheim. _

_ Once in the vault of Asgard. _

_ Panic made his heart hammer in his chest, his throat restricted and he trashed wildly in his restraints. Of course, to no avail, and he couldn’t escape the change that happened to him. He couldn’t fight who he truly was. _

_ The monster. _

_ It was still cold, but he wasn’t too cold anymore. His teeth were no longer rattling in his skull, but the scream in his mind had intensified. _

_ Cold, but bearable. _

_ His body had pushed itself in survival mode to cope, but he would rather be dead. There would be no end to the oncoming experiments for a long time. _

_ He knew. _

_ The hissing stopped. _

_ The temperature raised again. _

_ He didn’t shift back. _

_ Then the confines of whatever he was in opened, his heart hammering in his chest. _

Tears of frustration, anger and fear ran over his cheeks, wetting his face and the salty drops mixing with his wet hair that was plastered to his face.

He remembered. He remembered so well the many times after the first time his true self had shown. The many times of cold. The many and endless experiments. HYDRA’s goal to dissect the monster in every possible way until there was no more information to be extracted.

Had his form never changed back after that?

That couldn’t be! He would have felt the ridges of his heritage on his skin if that had been the case.

Maybe that was the only bright spot in the endless darkness he faced now.

His sight gone, his Seidr gone, his  _ knowledge _ not sufficient. He was truly a nobody and a nothing!

Another parasite in a world full of parasites…

Ironically that made him fit perfectly among the inhabitants of this realm.

Loki’s stomach was still demanding attention, but it took him a long time before that problem weighed up against his inner turmoil. Once he finally unfurled himself from the floor, he was feeling exhausted and wrecked.

He considered going back to bed. If he just lay there long enough, even  _ his  _ body would shut down due to a lack of food eventually. But even though the desire to wilt away and die was strong, his will to live was - strangely - stronger.

He had survived a fall through the void. He had survived at the hands of HYDRA. He had survived the false intentions of the HYDRA-Avengers. How pathetic would it be if he gave up now?

Also, he had tried to give up on each and every one of those moments, and yet the cruel Norns had hauled him to his feet, not willing to let him die and have his rest. The threads of his fate weren’t at an end yet and the Norns were probably not yet done with toying with him. No rest for someone like him - being alive was the worst that could happen to him, his personal torture, not death.

It was a cruel sense of reasoning, but right now it was the best he had.

With a deep sigh to instill some courage into himself, Loki stood and made his way to the bedroom, searching around in the bag for some itchy clothing to wear.

Sitting on the edge of the bed after he had put on his boots, he once again attempted to push a hand through his hair, but it was to no avail. It was tangled and knotted, probably sticking out on every end.

Loki moved to the bathroom to search for a brush or comb; anything that could untangle the birds nest on his head.

HYDRA had never once worried about his hair and therefore it hadn’t had a cut since before he had fallen from the Bifrost. He also hadn’t had enough Seidr to tame it during his captivity - he had needed his energy to attend his wounds. Now, it was so long that the fraying ends touched his upper arms.

His search came up fruitless and he knew there wasn’t such an item in his bag either.

Carefully he checked his reserves of Seidr and he discovered that though it was marginal, it was more than it had been for days. He could groom his hair and still be able to use his energy reading to the fullest of its ability.

Briefly Loki contemplated if he should do it, if it was worth it to waste the energy. What if he needed it for something far more important or precious? However, he couldn’t think of anything else to use it for. If HYDRA came to collect him, this shallow pool of Seidr wasn’t enough to aid him whatsoever.

Maybe if his hair wasn’t plastered to his face anymore it would make him feel a little better as well.

With a minor spell Loki groomed his hair. Seidr ran pleasantly through his body, the familiar feeling under his skin and in his bones painful, but yet so euphoric.

It had been so long…

The last time he had used his Seidr was with the HYDRA-Avengers to send a telekinetic blast, but that had been wrought from self-defense. A quick repel to keep himself from getting hurt. In that moment there had nothing joyous about it, nor had he had the time to enjoy and revel in the feeling.

Contrary to now.

Tears formed in his eyes even though the spell was already at an end, his Seidr ebbing away underneath his skin, but it had felt so good. It gave him a shred of confidence - a taste of what he could regain.

A sense of purpose…

That thought halted him for a moment. For weeks on end Loki had lost his purpose to live, not knowing what to do and not willing to do anything, but now that he had had a shallow taste of his magic, he regained something that he had lost.

He had constantly been waiting for his body to heal, for his sight to come back, but maybe that wasn’t of importance. His sight had never defined him who he was. The many, many times he had fought in places so dark he might as well have been blind, had been numerous. Why would it change anything now? Maybe he did he have it all backwards. Maybe his goal wasn’t to be able to see again, maybe it was to get his Seidr back.

_ No! _

Not ‘maybe’. His goal  _ should  _ be to get his Seidr back. His goal  _ is _ to get his Seidr back!

That only left him with a single question: how?

How was he going to get back his Seidr? There was a shallow pool of energy that formed every day, and now that his Seidr wasn’t needed to heal his body anymore he could preserve it. Yet, he had done that for a couple of days and the amount of his energy hadn’t become more. It had stopped at the shallow pool on the bottom of the well, not filling to the brim as it once had been. As it should.

Did that mean that his entire pool had just become less? That the well wasn’t so deep anymore? Or was the well still able to hold all that energy, but was something blocking it from filling it to the brim?

It were some interesting questions to which he currently didn’t have the answer. The growl and clenching of his stomach also told him that this was not the time to get answers to those questions. He should get some sustenance first.

With a renewed sense of purpose he walked to the door. At the last moment he remembered and retrieved the card he needed for entry to his chambers that was still sticking in the device that turned on the lights. Then he stepped into the hallway.

The door fell shut behind him and it sounded less ominous than it had done in days.

He walked to the elevator and waited for it to arrive. Yet, it never came. A little irritated he cast his blind eyes towards the ceiling. J.A.R.V.I.S. should have sent the damned metal box by now, but there was a serious lack of a cheerful ding. All these things were the same, were they not?

After what felt enough waste of his time (vexing Midgardian devices!), Loki made for the stairs he  _ could _ find, and began to descend them.

* * *

“Mr. Loki!” someone called before he could make it to the front door.

Inwardly Loki flinched, already fearing that someone was going to stop him from walking away and intercepting his freedom once again. It would be terribly ironic if his new jail and cell would be this hotel.

“You forgot your credit card the other day,” the same someone said, drawing near to him.

Loki recognized the person’s aura as the man from behind the counter. Quickly he pulled on his regalness, lifting his chin a little higher and holding up his hand so he could receive the slab of plastic.

“I’m truly sorry about the inconvenience the other day,” the man apologized while he placed the card in Loki’s palm.

“Naturally,” Loki said coldly.

An awkward silence fell then between them, but Loki didn’t even  _ consider  _ forgiving the man, let alone accept his apology. Let him stew in his own mistake for a while.

“If you need anything, please let me know,” the man said as a matter of ending the conversation.

The snappy words were lying on the tip of Loki’s tongue;  _ I think you have done enough _ , but he swallowed them. Once, when he had been a Prince he wouldn’t have doubted to speak them, but now he wasn’t so sure. Why? He didn’t know. Maybe it was because he had been treated so bad for years by HYDRA that he now harbored a shred of compassion. Which was, of course, preposterous seeing he had only suffered at the hands of humans for the last decade.

“I shall,” Loki lied instead with a nod, and made for the door.

* * *

Loki had retraced his steps from a couple of days ago through the city. It was one of the advantages of his energy reading; he could see where he had been if he focused on that. Every being left behind small residues of energy, he as well, making someone traceable. Thus - with a detour probably - he had made his way back to the coffee house.

“Goodday, Sir. How may I help you?” asked the woman behind the counter.

“I would like something to eat,” Loki answered.

“Ah… Yes. Do you-” He could hear the woman gulp, “-are you able to pay?” she whispered.

The insult he felt at that question was enough to pull his face into a grimace, but underneath that feeling of offense lingered the beast of anxiety. With his teeth slightly bared, Loki pulled two plastic cards from his pocket, holding them up for her to take. “One of these should suffice,” he all but growled.

Of course he had put the card with which he could pay in the same pocket as the card that gave him entrance to his chambers at the hotel. One of the cards had some ridges on it and was different from the other, smooth card, but Loki didn’t know which one was used for what.

“Ah. O-okay Sir. My… My apologies,” the woman stuttered and Loki could feel the fluster in her aura. “What would you like to have?”

Still a little irked he answered, “The other day I had pastries filled with chocolate. I would like those.”

“The donut and the croissant?” she asked uncertain, but apparently remembering his order from the previous time.

“Yes. And my… companion from that day had also arranged for a drink. It was cold and had chocolate in it, as well as something else. I cannot remember what it was.”

“You mean a Melted Chocolate Frappachino?”

Loki went silent and stared at her as if he could still see and witnessed water burning. “It was cold and had chocolate and something else in it,” he iterated slightly annoyed.

The woman sighed in defeat, not saying anything and loudly tapping away on something on the counter.

Loki was sure he wasn’t making her day any better, but vice versa it was the same.

“That’ll be fifteen dollars and ninety cents,” she said and Loki lifted his hand with the cards he was still holding. “I’m gonna grab the correct one,” she said carefully and one of the cards got plucked from his fingers.

Immediately he took the opportunity to investigate the card he still had left to know which one belonged to his chambers. It was the completely smooth card and he made sure to put it in his left pocket. When he received the card for his payments he consciously put it in his right.

“Do you want to take your order to go or have a seat?”

“I do not think I should be walking and eating and drinking at the same time,” he said, the words carefully picked to tease her a bit. He could feel her aura buzz with discomfort and he grinned amused.

“I’ll bring your order to your table,” she said nonplussed and Loki turned away to take a seat.

He couldn’t help but feel satisfied about his little tease. That was the second time today that he had done something that made him feel like who he once had been. As if he regained something he had lost, and it made him feel  _ good _ .

Quickly his order arrived and carefully he took a sip of the drink from which he knew was an assault to his sensitive taste buds, but which he liked so much. Briefly he felt nauseated as the first sip landed in his empty stomach, but it quickly resided and his stomach seemed to growl gratefully.

Loki ate the first item on his tray his fingers found, taking small bites and chewing slowly to give his taste buds and stomach time to adjust. If he gobbled it all down in one go he would be sick again, just like last time he had eaten the contents of an entire fruit bowl.

A person suddenly appeared next to his table and a familiar voice said, “And so we meet again.”

A small smile formed on Loki’s lips. “One might say you are following me,” he retorted, but the other was quick to his wits as well.

“Or you’re always under my foot.”

Loki caught the quip within those words, but it still made him feel as if he had done something wrong.

“May I sit?” Sam asked.

“May you?” he inquired with an innocent smile and then took another sip of his drink.

“Fun! I like your snark,” the other laughed as he sat down on the chair opposite of Loki. “How’s your shoulder?”

“Alright,” he mumbled, taking another bite of his food. The fact was, his shoulder had almost entirely healed. He hadn’t used his arm in the last couple of days and that had sped up the healing process. Had he not forgotten about his medications, he wouldn’t have taken them anyway.

“Good, good,” Sam said happily, but then his tone changed to a more serious note. “Not to be mean, but you look like shit, you know.”

Loki’s blind eyes wandered to the other. “No,” he grated. “I would not know.”

He could feel the slight discomfort in the other’s aura, but quickly the man composed himself. “Have you been eating?” he asked carefully. The silence that fell between them answered the question. “Dude, what the hell? You’re in a hotel. You could’ve just called room service!”

Loki’s brows furrowed as three questions came to mind. One; what was room service? Two; why did this stranger care about his well-being? And, more important and also number three; how did Sam knew about his whereabouts?

Out of habit he narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

Sam’s aura flustered. “Do you even come outside?” he mumbled under his breath.

“Why are you here?” Loki countered peeved.

“I spotted you through the window, thought it might be nice to talk to you.”

Well, at least Sam had a plausible reason for coming to him, but Loki still couldn’t shake the feeling that it felt as if the other was keeping an eye on him. But maybe that was just his paranoia. Between HYDRA and their Avengers and the constant hunted feeling he had, it wasn’t strange that he felt that way.

An awkward silence fell between them as Loki finished the remainder of his food. Then he got up.

“Where are you going?” Sam asked, replicating Loki’s action.

The beast of anxiety began to gnaw at his fraying edges again. Why did he have to justify to this stranger what he was going to do? Not that he was going to do anything special, he just wanted to go back to his hotel, but the question amplified that feeling of being watched.

“Back to the hotel,” Loki half said, half asked, his thumb running over the pad of his index finger.

“That must be boring. Why don’t you come with me?”

The look of utter puzzlement mixed with horror from Loki’s side was enough to make the other scramble for an answers.

“Shit. That didn’t sound… Yeah, I get why you’re giving me that look. Didn’t mean it like that. I was planning to go for a run in the park and I thought maybe you’d wanted to come too.”

Slowly Loki exhaled through his nose, trying to stay calm. For a moment he had thought that Sam didn’t want him to go anywhere and was going to force him to come with him. The beast of anxiety was already happily chewing on his mind.

“Oh,” he breathed. Briefly Loki contemplated if he should take up on the invitation, but he was already tired from this little trip to the coffee house, and going to the park was probably too much. “I would rather not,” he replied curtly.

“Okay. How about tomorrow?”

Damn, this human was persistent!

One part of him didn’t want to go. He had no clue how he would be feeling tomorrow, and this man wasn’t the woman from the HYDRA-Avengers to drag him out of his bed if he didn’t want to get up. But that was exactly what ran through his mind; the other part. Loki still remembered how he had sparred with the woman whose name he had already forgotten, and even though this wasn’t a sparring session, some fresh air might do him well. He had also spent a fair amount of time on a bench in a patch of greenery the other day, and even though it hadn’t made feel better, it hadn’t made him feel worse either.

Even he couldn’t deny that he should get outside sometimes. It was almost ironic; he finally had his freedom and still he locked himself up in a room at a hotel. If that was how he was going to spend the rest of his life, he might as well go back to those HYDRA-Avengers. At least then he wouldn’t have to hunt down his own meals.

With that track of thoughts, Loki decided he would go and nodded. “Alright.”

“Good. I’ll pick you up at the hotel,” Sam said cheerfully.

“How do you know about my whereabouts?” Loki suddenly blurted and he clamped his jaws down on each other. That was reckless and stupid.

“I, ah… I might have followed you the other day,” Sam admitted stuttering and then quickly added, “but I only because was worried about you man! I mean, no cane, no dog and you looked pretty messed up the other day. I just wanted to make sure you’d get home safely.”

So he had been right! He had been followed. Yet, Loki could sense the sincerity in the man’s energy and he wasn’t lying. Sam had genuinely been worried, and though Loki couldn’t phantom why someone would be worried about  _ him _ , it also wasn’t a misstep that couldn’t be forgiven.

“I’m sorry,” the other mumbled. “I might’ve overstepped.”

“You have,” Loki stated plainly.

“Again, sorry man. I don’t want to get in your hair or anything. I… Let’s just meet here tomorrow. Say, around nine?”

Just to make the man antsy, Loki did as if he was reconsidering the invitation. Which he was.

He still didn’t know how he felt about the fact that some stranger had followed him. He kept circling back to the same, conflicting conclusions; Sam was HYDRA and was following him; Sam genuinely cared. It was impossible that both conclusions were true, it had to be one or the other.

By now Loki had been silent long enough, and he could feel the man’s tense aura press against him, prompting him to answer. Loki decided to take a leap of faith. It didn’t matter anyway. If the man proved to be HYDRA it wouldn’t surprise him and the HYDRA-Avengers were already keeping an eye on him. “Alright,” he finally answered.

Loki could feel the happy surprise from the other, and almost greedily Sam said. “Okay. Yes. It’s a date.” Then he chuckled. “Well, not a date like  _ that _ , but, you know…”

All Loki did was raise an eyebrow. He didn’t know.

“Right,” Sam said awkwardly. “Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow. Take care. And don’t forget that room service.”

Then he was gone, leaving Loki by himself in the coffee house.

* * *

The next day Loki woke and he felt well enough for his appointment with Sam.

After he had made it back to the hotel yesterday, he had just collapsed onto his bed - which had no longer been a tangled mess of blankets, but nicely made and smelling fresh - and had he had fallen into a dreamless sleep. It had been a blessing to not wake up screaming due to nightmares.

Loki got out of bed, took a shower, dressed and made to the foyer of the hotel.

Just as he was about to head out of the front door, someone called his name. Was this going to be routine? People stopping him before he could leave any place?

“You’re late,” someone accused him and it took Loki a couple of seconds to recognize Sam’s aura.

Why was the man here and not at the coffee house? “Why are you here?” Loki echoed his thoughts, already agitated that the other had decided to meet him here.

“Thought something had happened or that you were lost. When I asked the receptionist she told me you hadn’t left yet. You were late so I figured I’d wait a bit to see if you’d come.”

Blankly Loki stared at the man he couldn’t see. “We made an appointment,” Loki grated. “Of course I would show. No need to come here because I am running a little late.”

Sam laughed, but it wasn’t mocking. “A ‘little late’? Man, it’s almost eleven!”

The agitated feeling made place for a small sense of shame and he breathed deflated, “Oh.”

“Can you-” the other seemed to search for the words. “Are you able to tell time? An alarm clock or something that tells you?”

Loki shook his head, feeling a little small. Hour glasses didn’t make any sound, and even if he had possession of one, he wouldn’t have been able to see it.

“You know that phones can tell time if you ask them, right?”

Now Loki was truly confused and he remembered the talking device that was still sitting in his bag upstairs in his chambers. Briefly he wondered why he still hadn’t destroyed the thing, but then he concluded once more that it would be if no use. If HYDRA wanted to capture him again, it wouldn’t matter if that device was near him or not. They would find him anyway.

“Well, at least you’re here now,” Sam said, seemingly not bothered by the lack of response to his previous question. “Shall we go?”

Loki nodded meekly, his mind still occupied with the information he had just gotten.

Sam guided him to the exit and chattered about what they were going to do. They would take a cab - some kind of car - and then they would go to the forest. The man was going to have a run and Loki would have the freedom to do whatever he wanted.

Once they had entered the car, Sam strapped Loki’s seat belt as if he was a child. Loki didn’t like closeness of the other. It also vividly reminded him of the last time he had been in a Midgardian vehicle. Then he hadn’t known where he was being taken. He had even feared that the HYDRA-Avengers were moving him to some place where they could put him to death. He didn’t have an  _ exact  _ clue either now, but at least he knew he and Sam were going to a forest.

Quickly, the nervousness he had felt on that fateful day was back and his mind spun down a dark spiral, the beast of anxiety happily chewing on the fraying edges.

What if this had all been a set up? What if Sam was part of HYDRA and had just ushered him into the car to bring him back? What if he was lying? Or had those HYDRA-Avengers just postponed the inevitable that day and was it now this man who was going to dispose of him?

Shudders ran over Loki’s spine at the thoughts. He had just regained his freedom, had just found a new purpose and had just found someone who had a shred of his trust, and now that trust would be broken.

And what was he going to do if this proved to be true? He had no clue of Sam’s abilities. Would he be able to fight him? Running seemed a bad option; he would probably run into a tree while he was too busy with his pursuer. His energy reading wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t  _ that  _ good either. Would he have enough Seidr to stave the man off?

Anxious Loki fumbled with his hands, the nail of his thumb running over the palm of his hand, and a tremor he couldn’t control had settled in his limbs.

Apparently his distress got noticed as the other asked, “Hey, you okay?”

Loki’s head snapped in the direction of the other, his blind eyes wide like he was a deer at the tip of an arrow.

“Hey man, calm down. You’re fine.” Loki could sense Sam’s uneasiness, but underneath that lingered some form of confidence. “Can you tell me why you’re panicking?”

Loki shook his head vigorously, almost aggressively. Not only was his tongue stuck to his palette, but he also didn’t want to let the other know that he  _ knew _ .

“Okay. Can you tell me what you need?”

It was a strange question, but Loki didn’t know the answer to that either and again he shook his head.

“Would it help if I just did some talking? You know, to get your mind off it?” he offered.

Loki’s brows furrowed. Would anything the other did help him? After all, Sam probably had some nefarious intend, but then why did he sound like he cared? Like he truly wanted to help? It didn’t make any sense.

“Let me do the talking. You just listen to me, okay? Have I ever told you about the time I got attacked by a pigeon? No, I suppose I don’t have,” he chuckled. “Well, it was on a sunny Monday afternoon. I was running in the forest and…”

Sam’s soothing voice filled the air and curled around Loki’s ears as he told his tale. Loki wasn’t particularly paying attention to what the man said, but he could feel some calmness return to him as the words lazily took hold of his brain; the odd tale a counter attack to the panicking beast that was roaring inside of him.

The car just kept driving to its destination - wherever that may be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thrive on comments <3  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised, a longer chapter to make up for the previous one that was a little bit shorter. Let me know if enjoyed this chapter.

When Loki opened the door of the car he was immediately met with the smell of fresh pines and rotten leaves. The air was crisp, but not too cold, and above all, it was fresh - no foul smells from the human city.

“Come,” the man bode him, leading him somewhere. 

Loki meekly followed, his mind still chewing on the possible idea that something was going to happen.

It occurred to him that he was very pliant, but he didn't know why. Certainly when he had been a Prince he hadn't been like this, nor had he been at the hands of HYDRA. Well, in the first year, maybe. After that he had done whatever they had told him to do, mostly.

Why was he following so easily?

_ Because you need the orders to function _ , offered the voice in his head savagely.

“I’m going for a run,” Sam said, keeping Loki away from the spiral of his thoughts. “I don’t suppose you’re going to run with me so just ah… do whatever you want. Just don’t stray too far. My laps won’t be too big so I’ll check up on you once in a while. Okay?”

Loki nodded. “Alright.”

Then, he sensed the other trot down the track, leaving him.

With a sigh of relief, Loki tried to take in his surroundings. He wasn’t being grabbed and pushed into another vehicle. He wasn’t made to walk down a trail with a sword at his throat. No chains, no shocking collars, no other weird devices. Nothing. He was alone and standing in the middle of a forest.

Uncertain he took a step, not quite knowing where he should go and thus he walked where his feet carried him and his energy reading told him he where he could go.

It was peaceful, but at the same time Loki felt anxious. He had been hauled up in cramped spaces for so long that the big outside seemed to press down on him. He didn’t remember having trouble with such things, but now it was trying to smother him.

Already fidgeting with his hands, Loki made himself halt to take a moment to regulate his breathing.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

I-

The sound of water running nearby disturbed his concentration. Yet, it also gave him a purpose and he curiously followed the sound, veering from the path.

Eventually he found what must be a small creek. He could hear insects play on the water and burrowing in the nearby trees. The soft breeze still carried the smell of pines, and the crunch of dry leaves and dead branches underneath his boots made way for soft, soppy sounds as he neared the water. He could sense the slabs of rock that separated him from the stream, and carefully, feeling as he went, he picked his way to one rock that was big enough to sit on.

He took a deep breath to let the air fill his lungs, giving him a small sense of peace.

Unnecessarily he closed his blind eyes, his thoughts bounding through his skull without any of them forming a usable thread to follow. Even though he felt more relaxed right now, his thoughts were still all over the place, not to mention the beast of anxiety that always lurked near and the endless scream in his mind that was always there, but not always heard.

There was so much to sort out, so much that had happened and so many decisions he had to make, he hardly knew where to start.

The peacefulness of the place made Loki decide to meditate. If he could clear his mind, it would be a lot easier to find the answers he needed. Thus he closed himself off from the world, let it all glide from his conscious and turned inward.

It took him a while to still his mind, chasing all thoughts and the endless scream from his mind, putting the beast of anxiety in its cage until only silence remained.

When he opened his eyes Loki was no longer on Midgard and instead he found himself in a very familiar place.

Loki’s heart made a joyful leap as he recognized his personal library he had had when he still had been living on Asgard.

Of course The Realm Eternal had its own great library, but with his love for books Loki had created a room adjacent to his chambers to use as his personal library. Through the centuries he had collected many books and next to Asgard’s library or Frigga’s garden, this had become his safe haven. A place to where he could run if needed and find peace. The one place he might call home as he had spent so many hours between the books he cherished so much.

He had never thought he would be here again.

Yet, the place wasn’t real. He knew that. It was nothing more than a room built in his ‘mind-palace’, but that didn’t taint the feeling of joy he felt right now.

Then it dawned on him that he could  _ see _ !

In this place in his mind, he was no longer blind. He could feel the bite of tears wrought from joy.

Slowly he turned on his axis, taking in the sight of shelf upon shelf stacked with books. The smell of leather and parchment tickled his nostrils and he could feel his heart hammer with happiness and anticipation.

With trembling fingers he plucked a book from the shelf and opened it, longing for the content on the pages he could read no more in reality. Yet, the word written on the first page was not what he had expected.

**LIAR.**

Quickly Loki flipped a couple of pages, but each of them held only a couple of words, written in thick, black ink and screaming at him.

**USELESS.**

**WORTHLESS.**

**NOT GOOD ENOUGH.**

**ALWAYS THE LIAR.**

**LIAR.**

**LIAR.**

Agitated, he snapped the book shut, taking a deep breath and put it back in its place. Still, he longed for what he hadn’t had for so long and Loki pulled out the next book, hungrily opening it to devour the letters.

Again, he was met by a written assault.

**GOD OF NOTHING.**

**FALLEN PRINCE.**

**CHILD OF NOBODY.**

With a snarl Loki dropped the book to the floor, his frustration building. The next book he opened wasn’t different from the predecessors.

**MONSTER.**

**RUNT.**

**PATHETIC.**

Fright slowly weaseled its way into his system and frantically he pulled out book after book, opening them and throwing them just as quickly to the floor when he read the words.

**WEASEL.**

**PARASITE.**

Anger pushed away his fear. This was his place! His domain and safe haven, but now it was tainted.

No longer able to control the rage he had suppressed for so long, Loki pulled the shelves from the wall, plaster and wood splinters flying through the air. Books tumbled to the floor and whenever one fell open, they all showed the words he had seen before.

When he was done and the place was thoroughly wrecked, his anger finally ebbing away, his eyes fell on the page of an open book lying at his feet.

**HYDRA’S SLAVE.**

As if he had been hit physically, Loki recoiled, tears forming in his eyes.

_ HYDRA’s slave. HYDRA’s slave. HYDRA’s slave. HYDRA’s slave. _

The words ran circles in his mind, mocking him, laughing at him.

_ Did you truly think you could escape them? That you would be free? _ The vicious voice in his head snarled.  _ Think again. You should know better. Pathetic! The books are right, they know what they are showing. You still feel so important, yet, you are not! HYDRA will come for you. You think you are worthy? They have tossed you aside only to give you a taste of what you could have. You will never be free! _

_ Run, God of Nothing. Run! RUN! _

And that is exactly what Loki did.

In a blind panic he janked the door open to get away from his tainted safe haven and he stumbled into the hallway. As quick as his feet could carry him he ran. He knew where he was going because it was pure muscle memory, yet the place seemed warped and he didn’t reach the destination he had aimed for.

Instead of Frigga’s garden, he now stood on the colorful Rainbow Bridge.

Loki took a moment to catch his breath, pushing the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. He sorely hoped that nobody had seen him; it wouldn’t do well for a Prince like him to display such behavior.

_ You are not a Prince. Not anymore! _ The vicious voice reminded him. Loki pushed it away.

But now that he thought of it, he hadn’t seen anyone at all. No Einherjar that should be guarding the halls of the palace. No servants scurrying about.

Nobody.

Small mercies.

Loki took another deep breath and his vision finally cleared.

His brows furrowed at the sight before him. The bridge was shattered, the ends jaggedly sticking out - just as it had been after Thor had destroyed it to save that race of monsters Loki stemmed from.

He swallowed thickly, already knowing the voice would have something nasty to say about that, but Loki didn’t give it a change, shifting his focus towards the end of the bridge. There stood a lonely figure. His posture regal, his golden armour gleaming in the light of the stars, glancing at something only he could see.

Heimdall…

While the nail of his index finger ran over the pad of his thumb, Loki contemplated to go the man or not. The last time he had seen the Gatekeeper he had betrayed Loki and had even tried to kill him. But, before he could make the decision for himself, someone passed him unexpectedly. He didn’t startle, because Loki was trained not to, but still his heart made a small leap in his chest as he recognized the person.

The red cape fluttering behind the big, blond man was a beacon one couldn’t miss.

Thor!

Now Loki truly felt anxious, his heart hammering in his chest and his nails were digging in his palms instead of softly rubbing the pad of his thumb.

Yet, Thor had passed him as if he had never seen him. Was Thor just ignoring him, or could he truly not see Loki?

_ You are not important. You are a cast out, shunned. Why would he deign you worthy of attention? You are better off ignored, alone, forgo- _

Loki shook his head to silence the voice in his mind. Cautious he walked towards the two men standing near the jagged end of the bridge. He needed to know! He needed to know if he was just being ignored and shunned, or if they truly could not see him. No matter how much it would pain him if he  _ was _ being ignored.

“What is on your mind, my Prince?” Loki heard Heimdall ask Thor.

Thor’s always low voice rumbled even more grave than normal. “How is she doing?”

“Thor!” Loki hissed once he was near, but he didn’t get an answer. “Thor,” he tried again, but to no avail. It frustrated him and he turned to the Gatekeeper. “Heimdall?”

“She’s doing well. Your mortal is quite clever,” Heimdall said to the Thunderer, not even acknowledging Loki. “She doesn’t know it yet, but he’s making a lot of progress regarding her studies about recreating the Bifrost for her kind.” 

Thor nodded and stared at the star-littered darkness before them.

“Do not ignore me!” Loki growled, but he could hear the underlying desperation in his voice. It loathed him, yet it was a perfect reflection of how he felt.

“What more is weighing your mind down?” Heimdall asked.

“Loki,” Thor mumbled, looking to the side and away from Heimdall. He didn’t want to admit that he still was worried about the renounced Trickster.

“Ah, are you finally going to talk to me?” Loki snidely spat. “I can-”

Heimdall let out a soft hum as he turned to Thor, not even looking at Loki who was standing next to the blonde man. “I am unable to tell you if he still lives or not.”

Thor shook his head. “I don’t think he still lives, but, but…” he seemed to trip over the words.

For the second time in a short time-span Loki felt as if he had been hit physically and staggered half a step backward, quickly trying to regain his composure as tears were already forming in his eyes. “Thor, you cannot believe that,” he said and reached out with his hand. “I am right here.”

Loki’s hand phased through Thor’s arm and for a moment it felt as if time stood still. 

He hadn’t felt anything at all - not even the tingle from a ghostly presence. He wasn’t being ignored, they simply could not see him! Loki didn’t know if that frightened him more or made him feel relieved, and the beast of anxiety rattled its cage.

Then time began to tick again.

Thor heaved a sigh and continued with a small voice. “Saying our farewells to an empty boat…” He seemed unable to finish the sentence, but Heimdall nodded understandingly.

“Loki has often been shrouded from my view. He even does so in death.”

The feeling of loneliness settled in. Panic made Loki tremble and the unjust of everything that had happened to him created a new spark of anger. “I AM RIGHT HERE!” he screamed, but neither of the men made any indication that they had heard him.

Loki deflated and looked down at his hands where his nails were digging so deep in his flesh that little beads of blood were forming. Unbidden a tear rolled over his cheek.

Thor seemed to say something to Heimdall, but Loki didn’t hear it. It didn’t matter either.

Slowly, willing himself to place one foot in front of the other, Loki walked back to the palace.

* * *

He needed to get out! This wasn’t real and he needed to get out of his mind.

_ Now! _

Yet, Loki was unable to. No matter how hard he pulled or pushed, he couldn’t find his way back to reality - back to Midgard where his body was.

He was trapped in his own mind.

As if his boots were made from the heaviest dwarven metal and with his head hanging low while tears stained his cheeks, Loki trudged back to his chambers, glad that the hallways were devoid of people.

With a soft click the door closed behind him and he leaned against the slab of wood he had warded himself. He felt numb, empty and lonely. Not even the beast of anxiety that constantly held him company could get a foothold.

Was this it then? Was he forever to be ignored, caught between numbness, panic and rage? An endless scream without anybody hearing him?

_ A true slave of HYDRA! _ The voice reminded him, and this time Loki could only agree. 

Was this what HYDRA had envisioned for him? Breaking him down so properly that he would comply to their wishes because he didn’t have anything else? A living and breathing vessel with nothing to live for? A slave who only sought after the approval of their master?

_ Slave, slave, SLAVE! _

_ HYDRA’s slave! _

Loki sighed, the only feeling he was still capable off; the feeling of ‘sigh’. Whatever that may be.

He looked up from his stare at the black marble floor of his chambers, wanting to go to his bed. If he couldn’t leave this place and he couldn’t gain anything either, then why would he even bother? But his bed was gone, and so was all the other furniture of his chambers. Instead, there were standing two mirrors in the middle of the room, one with a golden frame, one with a black one.

Confused he furrowed his brows.

What kind of small Helheim had he landed in now? What vicious demons would be jumping from those smooth, shiny surfaces? Was this something he wanted to see? To know?

Already his hands had found each other, the nail of his thumb running over a groove in the still bloodied palm of his hand, stinging him.

No!

He didn’t want to know!

Resolutely he turned on his heel, his hand on the doorknob to yank the door open, but it wouldn’t budge. As if the wood was melted into the frame, the door didn’t move a hair’s breadth.

Frustrated he pulled at the door with all his might (at least he was feeling something again), but still it wouldn’t give.

Loki sighed again. There was no other option than to resign to his fate. Just like he had done some many times before.

Slowly he turned back, looking at the mirrors and his heart hammering in his chest. He feared his demons would jump out at any given second, but nothing happened as he slowly approached the objects.

Not knowing which one to pick - and it would hardly matter - Loki walked to the mirror with the black frame. He looked at it from the side, not putting himself in front of the reflective surface just yet in favor of investigating the object, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Nervously he moved until he was standing in front of it, his reflection staring back at him. He didn’t have much time to take in what he saw there - just a brief glimpse of sadness, weariness and dismay on his face before it changed.

Where he had briefly caught a glimpse of what he was wearing currently - black leather pants and a simple green tunic - his reflection was now showing an attire that was as dark as the void that had once swallowed him.

A cloak darker than night was draped around his shoulders; his coat black and menacing, hardly any traces of the green and gold he favored so much; and his once golden helmet was black as oil, the horns twisted and curled like the horns of a demon.

His face had changed as well. His thin lips were scarred with deep ridges; the skin around his eyes blistered an angry red; and where once had been vivid green eyes, they were now milky-white irises with dull-grey pupils.

It was eerie, horrid and morbid, and unwillingly Loki staggered a step back, the image not fading.

Yet, that appearance hadn’t been what had scared him so much. No; it was the maniacal look in his destroyed eyes and the heinous grin on his scarred lips. A face that showed bitterness, loneliness,  _ hatred _ . This person didn’t care for anyone, was willing to burn every bridge in his ambitious chasings, and too proud and jealous to give up even if the noose was so tight around his neck he couldn’t breathe.

Was this his future? Who he would become if he, if he… If he  _ what _ ? What did he need to do or not do to become like this?

Then a thought occurred.  _ What if this was the presence? _

A wave of nausea rolled through him at the thought and quickly he averted his eyes to the floor.

What would the other mirror show him? Would he want to see or could he leave this place without knowing?

Loki decided he couldn’t. As he had concluded yesterday, knowledge was one of his greatest assets - his power. If he walked away now, he would never know, no matter how dismayed he would be by what he saw.

Reluctantly he moved to the other mirror, purposely not looking at the one with the black frame, until he was in front of the golden rimmed one.

Just like the other mirror, he briefly caught a glimpse of himself of how he currently must look before it melted away. His reaction to this reflection was no less surprised than previously.

A red cape with white fur lining adorned his shoulders; his black leathers that normally held touches of green were replaced by reds; and his horned, golden helmet gleamed with a light he didn’t remember ever being present. No scarred lips, no red skin and just his normal, vibrant green eyes.

But again, it was the look in those eyes.

He looked grief-stricken - a sadness on his face that was obvious to him, but to an outsider it was covered with haughtiness and pride. The small smile on his lips was playful and full of mischief, but he resonated a charm many had found hard to resist even though they knew they were walking into the lion’s den.

His lips pressed into a thin line as his heart constricted with the longing he felt. His reflection showed him the God as he once had been. A powerful sorcerer who wasn’t frightened. A person who knew his strengths and had the knowledge and made use of it. A regal creature that wasn’t beaten down and who had the world lying at his feet.

A true  _ King _ .

_ A lie… _

A lump formed in Loki’is throat. It was all a beautiful lie. Something that once might have been, but never would be again. He wasn’t this person staring back at him. If anything, he could better walk back to stand in front of the other mirror.

Yet, Loki couldn’t tear himself away from the image the golden framed mirror showed. He was riveted to the floor, just staring at the reflection as time ticked away.

* * *

Loki didn’t know how long he had been standing there, but the numbness in his legs and the dryness of his eyes indicated it must have been a long time. He would have been standing there much longer, staring at the golden rimmed mirror, if the door behind him suddenly hadn’t busted open and had made him swivel on his heel.

With a bang the door was closed and against it was leaning a young man, his face obscured by long, raven black hair that curtained his features as he was looking down. The young man’s shoulders shook with what Loki recognized as silent sobs, tears staining the floor and black boots where they landed.

A knot formed in Loki’s gut and he was paralyzed, staring at the spitting image of himself, but only a few years younger.

The Prince he had once been.

Suddenly the young man realized that he wasn’t alone in the room and his head jerked up violently. The sadness got replaced by rage as vibrant green eyes set in red-rimmed and tear-stricken eyelids spat liquid fire.

“You!” Loki’s younger self exclaimed hotly. “You locked me up in here!”

Loki was taken aback by the accusation. “I did not,” he replied peeved.

Prince Loki continued as if he hadn’t heard him. “How could you have done this? This cruelty! How could you have left me?” he spat.

Confused, Loki’s brows knitted together, the knot in his stomach tightening. His hackles began to rise, warring with the feeling of guilt, though he had no idea why he should feel guilty. He hadn’t done anything wrong, but he often hadn’t done things wrong and that hadn’t mattered either. He got blamed and punished anyway.

“You do not even remember, do you?” Prince Loki growled dismayed.

Stunned, Loki shook his head.

Prince Loki made a disgruntled noise in the back of his throat, but didn’t elaborate.

For a moment silence stretched between them, both not knowing what to say. Loki tried to reel in his anger while Prince Loki tried to compose himself from the weakness of showing sadness.

Loki broke the silence. “What has gotten you so troubled?”

“As if you care. You locked me up in here,” the other hissed.

“Then I should also have the potential to set you free, should I not?” Loki asked irked. Before his younger self could reply he added, “In that case you should stop treating me like you do and show some reverence. I might be willing to help you, but not if you treat me like the enemy.”

Prince Loki barked a laugh. “Amusing,” he replied curtly, but Loki could see the struggle in his posture - the will to scream, to cry, to beg and trying to maintain an aura of pride and regalness. Not willing to show weakness so plainly any longer. A slipping mask which he tried to keep in place even though he knew he was failing.

Loki was all too familiar with that.

He was also sick of the stalemate. He needed answers. “Spit it!” he demanded.

Apparently that was enough for Prince Loki to break. With bared teeth and tears forming in his eyes he harshly spoke. “You have locked me up in here! This is all your fault. I have nothing but this room with a bed and a door leading to a library with books I cannot pick up.”

Loki’s brows knitted together in confusion. All he saw were two mirrors. Had there been a bed, he would have been lying on it.

Prince Loki rolled his eyes, his anger not halted, but slightly diminished as he explained irritated. “What you see is what you want to see. This is a product of your mind, but the reality is different for the both of us.”

Subdued Loki nodded and his younger self continued on the angry tone from before. “And that damned door to the hallway which only leads to more doors that bring me nothing. This is not even a maze, because a maze would be interesting. This is just an empty trap. _ And you do not even remember _ ,” he hissed.

Loki was still at a loss for words, not knowing what to do with the information or the accusations. The knot in his stomach didn’t untie either. But he was also very much done with the constant blame he received for something he knew nothing about and therefore didn’t understand.

Prince Loki made a frustrated noise, turned on his heel and janked open the door to walk away.

Loki was quite irked with the other’s behavior, but something in the back of his mind nudged him to give pursuit, even though another part of him did not want to. Maybe it was stubbornness, maybe it was pride. It was probably just his younger self’s behavior.

Reluctantly he followed a couple of steps behind, not making an effort to catch up.

Prince Loki pulled up short in front of a black door, the edges and the frame coated with white frost. He turned the doorknob and pushed it open as Loki caught up to him. Immediately they were met by an almost unbearable cold and behind him Loki could see a frozen wasteland.

“You know what is behind this,” Prince Loki said dismayed. “I cannot even pass the threshold.”

He made a gesture with his hand as if he invited Loki to enter, but Loki shared his dismay and pulled a face. “I would rather not.”

With a scowl Prince Loki turned away, not bothering to close the door and walked further down the corridor.

They stopped short in front of a pair of double, golden doors. Intricate patterns adorned the metal, making it look beautiful and eerie at the same time.

His younger self didn’t make a motion and just seemed to wait for Loki to do or say something. He was staring at the door with utter loathing - as if it had personally offended him.

“You cannot open them?” Loki asked.

“I can,” he stated, not elaborating.

Loki growled in the back of his throat. He felt apprehensive to open the door, but if he wasn’t going to do it, nobody would and he would never know what lay behind it. He wouldn’t understand what Prince Loki was talking about, and he probably wouldn’t get out of here either. His other self was right: this was a trap. And now they were both caught in it.

His slender fingers curled around the golden door handle and he opened the doors. From the corner of his eye he could see the chest of his younger self rising and falling rapidly, his posture more taut than it had been before and something akin to fear on his face.

Once the doors had fully swung open, they revealed nothing but darkness. Not understanding why the other was afraid, Loki took a step forward to have a closer look. By now he was used by the endless darkness that HYDRA had forced upon him.

He wasn’t afraid of the darkness.

Not anymore.

Suddenly a pair of red eyes penetrated the blackness and the giant creature that belonged with it slithered forward, stopping before the threshold to be scarcely bathed in the light of the hallway. It hissed and sputtered, a maw spreading wide to show a pair of long, sharp fangs.

Loki’s eyebrows furrowed. “A basilisk,” he mumbled.

He turned to Prince Loki who stood riveted to the floor, staring at the beast. “I can enter,” he declared monotone, his eyes never leaving the giant serpent. “But when I do, it attacks me. I cannot tame nor kill it. This is the life  _ you _ have put me in. All I can do is wander around this palace of yours, open a door to a frozen wasteland I cannot enter.” He laughed mockingly. “Believe me, I have tried.” The smile fell from his face. “I can go outside, but the air is just as foul as inside. And then there is  _ this _ . A place I can enter, but guarded by a creature that wounds me every time I try. I cannot surpass it and all I can do is go back to my chambers to lie there in agony as this creature’s poison runs through my veins and I slowly heal.”

Tears of frustration had filled his eyes and ran down his cheeks to stain the floor. “Nobody to talk to. Solitude, loneliness…  _ Nothing _ . Just an endless circle in this trap,” he spat. “I cannot even die.  _ You  _ made this.  _ You _ left me here!”

“If I have made this, then what  _ are _ you?” Loki demanded.

Prince Loki answered, his mouth moving to form words, but Loki couldn’t hear them. It was as if he was suddenly deaf, yet he wasn’t. He could still clearly hear the basilisk hiss and sputter in the shadows behind him, but the sounds that should pass Young Loki’s lips were absent.

Blankly Loki stared at his younger self who shook his head with a sigh. Then he stepped forward towards the creature and Loki could only watch in horror as he saw Prince Loki attempt to pass the basilisk.

Loki was frozen in place, his limbs not obeying him and his throat constricting as he watched with eyes wide. 

Enormous fangs sunk into Prince Loki’s torso whose scream went through marrow and bone. The beast had him pinned in its maw and shook his head left and right, as if it tried to rip its prey in half. Prince Loki had fallen silent and he didn’t attempt to stave the serpent off.

Suddenly he flew through the air, landing behind Loki with a smack.

After what seemed ages, Loki finally found the ability to move again, but once he had taken one step, Prince Loki got enveloped by a green shimmer and he was gone.

Breathing rapidly, adrenaline pumping through his veins and fear fluttering in his heart, Loki stared at the creature. He wondered where his younger self had gone and if he was alright. He should be disgusted by his own sorrow and sentiment, but he wasn’t.

He shouldn’t be worried. Prince Loki was probably hurt, but would heal, just as he had said. Of course he could go to him, see if he could heal him, but that would be a waste of energy he didn’t have.

No, he could better focus on what lay before him.

“Are you going to block my path or let me pass?” he asked the serpent, but as expected, it didn’t answer. It only raised its head to make himself longer and higher. “I take it as a no,” Loki mumbled.

Frightened, but curious what laid beyond that darkness, Loki stepped into the darkness.

The basilisk hissed loudly and attacked; maw wide and fangs leading. Its head made for Loki who shifted into a battle stance, ready to fight or leap away, but once the creature neared, its foul breath fanning over him, it suddenly stopped short inches from its prey.

Loki had already jumped to the side to dodge the attack, but the creature’s demeanor had changed. He didn’t know how he noticed, but he just did. He  _ knew _ . The serpent didn’t mean  _ him  _ any harm.

Its head turned, a long, split tongue flicking out to touch Loki’s form, and just as quick as it had attacked, just as quick it ceased its efforts. With a thud the giant head fell to the floor, lying there. Its eyes were still alert, watching Loki, but passive.

It was such a stark contrast to what he had witnessed earlier, that it made Loki shudder. It also confused him. The creature hadn’t thought twice to attack his younger self, had even indicated it would devour him as well, but now it was compliant and lay there as if it was resting.

_ As if its master had pulled the leash. _

Carefully, giving the creature a wide berth, Loki walked on through the darkness.

* * *

The blackness of the place seemed to stretch endlessly, but it got scarcely illuminated by green, shining stones that hailed down from below to form a path several inches in front of him. The path broke down again once he had made use of it, the stones silently falling away into the void that surrounded him.

Eventually the darkness gave way and in the light that slowly filtered in Loki could see a garden forming around him, the path that still hailed down from below solidifying.

The smell of greenery and flowers in bloom filled his nostrils and in the distance he could hear a fountain running. Birds chirped and insects buzzed.

It were the same sounds and smells he had sensed before he began to meditate, but it wasn’t Midgard. He knew this place by heart and the sudden urge of longing had him running towards a spot he was so familiar with.

Tears burned his eyes as he saw who was sitting on the wooden bench. “ _ Mother _ ,” he croaked hoarsely, standing amidst her beautiful, blooming garden.

She looked up at him, a warm smile forming on her face. “My Lokasenna.”

If Loki had ever felt heart-ache before, it was nothing compared to how violently his heart constricted now. Those two words knocked the air from his lungs and tears immediately ran down his cheeks.

Frigga stretched out her arm, holding up a hand for him to take; an invitation to sit next to her. It was a gesture she had made so many times when he had fled to her garden when he had felt troubled.

Loki didn’t need to be told twice.

Once he might have reluctantly shuffled to her, his feet dragging as he both wanted and didn’t want to share his troubles, but right now he almost took a leap, wanting to be in her embrace as soon as he could.

What was that saying again with only appreciating something once you had lost it?

It didn’t matter and he didn’t have the time to dwell on it either as he collided roughly with her. He wrapped his arms around her as she returned the favor, and he never wanted to let go of her again.

Frigga petted his hair, making shushing noises. “Oh, my Lokasenna. What has troubled you so much?”

During his time with HYDRA, the idea of being reunited with his mother was what had kept him going and had given him a shred of hope. Thor had thoroughly destroyed that hope when he had told she had died, but right now that empty spot in his soul got filled again.

Her familiar embrace, her soft words and her smell, her warmth. It comforted him and stole the words from his mouth and mind. Only a pathetic little squeal got passed the lump in his throat and all he could do was sob while he buried his tear-stricken face in her shoulder.

She let him.

She let him cry without asking any questions he wasn’t able to answer in that moment, just stroking the back of his head while she waited patiently, comforting him.

‘ _ As long as it takes _ ,’ she had once said.  _ ‘I do not care if the whole of Asgard is on fire and crumbling around me, if you need my shoulder, no matter how long it takes, I shall be here for you _ .’

When he had found a resemblance of his voice - which was hoarse and painful in his throat - he said, “I missed you.”

“Missing me would indicate that I wasn’t around. I never left,” she answered warmly.

Loki lifted his head a little to look at her, his mouth opening and closing wordless.

“Have you so easily forgotten?” She laid her hand on his chest, covering his heart. “I shall always be here. No matter where I go, I am with you.”

The words were familiar, so often spoken to him when he was a young boy and later when he had been a young Prince as well. She had always said those words to him. So, so many times. Yet, he had always found it hard to believe.

He still did.

Loki leaned back, breaking their embrace. “The last time we spoke you said farewell. How can you contradict yourself as such?”

“I have never left. Many things you think are that are lost are still with you. You just fail to see it,” she said, stroking his cheek and thumbing his tears away.

Confusion was plain on Loki’s face as his brows knitted together, but he also felt slightly irked. Somewhat due to the choice of words, but also because she was speaking in riddles. Frigga often did that, and he knew it was her way of making him understand things for himself, but right now all he wanted was clear directions.

He was done with being kept in the dark.

“Are you truly so unperceptive about this?” Frigga asked calmly. “What is your most important power? The one thing you can always count on and defines you as you?”

“My mind,” he half answered, half questioned with a voice smaller than he would have liked.

Frigga chuckled. “Yes, but what more?”

“My Seidr.”

“And what would you do to protect it?”

“Everything!” Loki snarled determined.

Frigga nodded. “Then all you need to do is remember.”

“Remember what?” He asked frustrated. “All I remember, willingly or not, is what HYDRA did. All I remember is the rejection, the secrets you kept from me, the person I once was, but never shall be again. I remember what the realms looked like, yet, those memories begin to fade. What should I possibly remember that is not fading or tainted?” Loki’s voice had risen with his frustration, but just as quickly it diminished and he was back to sounding small again. “I do not even know if half of what I remember is correct.”

The warm smile Frigga gave him told him enough. She wasn’t going to give him the answer, it was something he had to discover for himself. Such was her way of teaching.

Loki stared at her, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. He tried to remember, but without direction of knowing  _ what _ he should remember, he wasn’t going to either. He was sure the answer was within his reach; she would never let him figure it out for himself if he was unable and didn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle available. But it still felt like he was staring at an empty slate, not knowing where to start.

A little lost in his musings, Loki thought his mind was playing tricks on him as Frigga’s bright colors seemed to diminish.

“Mother?” he asked uncertain, his voice wobbling as he reached for her.

Frigga didn’t answer. She just kept that warm smile while her form slowly became more translucent.

Loki tried to grab her, but his fingers curled through nothing but air. Where her embrace had been real, where he had been able to touch her, it was now as if he was trying to touch an incorporeal form.

Slowly she faded from existence and then she was gone. And with her departure, Loki’s tear arrived, stinging the back of his eyes painfully.

Around him the flowers began to wilt, their petals falling to the ground, turning ashen. The plants and trees blackened, and the buzzing of small life was suddenly no more.

Loki jumped to his feet, the bench he had been sitting on fading just like Frigga had done, until he was surrounded by darkness. Then the ground beneath his feet disappeared as well and Loki tumbled into the nothingness.

He didn’t scream.

He wanted to, but his throat was too constricted with feelings of grief and remorse. And thus he remained silent, letting the darkness swallowing him while he fell.

Falling. Falling.

No up. No down.

Falling lower and higher.

No left. No right.

It felt like an eternity.

No light.

Darkness nipped at every inch of him. His hearing was lost. He didn’t feel anything. The smells were gone and all that was left was a void.

A void around him and a void within himself.

Finally Loki screamed, the memory of falling from the Bifrost still so vivid in his mind, yet no sound passed his lips.

There was nothing.

Fear rooted in his heart, his mind scrambling without getting a hold on anything.

It lasted.

And it lasted.

He kept falling.

Deeper, further, swallowed by the pit of darkness that penetrated his mind.

An endless scream fell silently from his lips as the sound of his scream resonated within his skull. He could feel his mind tether at the edges, fraying, unraveling, filling itself with darkness.

The beast of anxiety escaped its cage and fed on his turmoil, growing bigger and meaner. The beast laughed; an ugly sound like nails scraping over a chalkboard. It mocked him.

Finally it was truly free.

Fear made way for utter despair. Loki wanted to cry, kick and scream. He desperately clawed at his mind to stay together, for his soul not to shatter, but he knew it was in vain.

And just when he thought he could no more, just when Loki surrendered to despair and resigned to his fate, the maw of the beast spreading wide to devour him, he hit a surface.

_ Hard! _

* * *

“Still not here, huh? They had already warned me for that. I hope you don’t stay like this for days because I’m not gonna drag you all the way to the cab.” Sam sighed. “I hope you get back before I run out of energy,” he murmured and took off for another lap.

* * *

With a tremendous smack Loki collided with a hard floor, his bones and inside protesting at the impact, a soft whine escaping from the back of his throat.

Everything  _ hurt _ .

Every small inch of his body screamed in agony and his mind was spinning.

Slowly he opened his eyes, the blur of his vision fading slowly, the world around him taking shape.

Loki groaned as he recognized where he was.  _ His cell at HYDRA _ !

Quickly he squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to acknowledge the situation, not wanting to be here. But no matter how hard he willed it to go away, every time he peeked through his lashes he was still there while he was lying on the cold concrete.

_ He was back with HYDRA! _

_ They had gotten to him! _

With a groan he slowly pushed himself up to his hands and knees, breathing heavily as it felt as if his body got turned inside out. Spasm after spasm wrecked his body, the convulsions hurting him tremendously as he tried to regain control of himself.

_ HYDRA’s slave! _

It took some time before he reached a mediocre form of success - still sitting on his hands and knees, his body trembling uncontrollably.

Something was nudging inside of his mind, a persistent…  _ something _ that demanded attention. Still afraid, dismayed and not wanting to accept his current situation ( _ back with them. HYDRA’s slave! You thought you could escape? _ ), Loki tried to push it away. But the harder he pushed, the harder it fought back, his head throbbing and pangs of pain flashing through his skull.

He heaved a shuddering breath, his trembling not lessening.

The something nudged his mind again and even though he was scared and exhausted, Loki gave up on the fight, allowing it to take root. His mind spun viciously and reality seemed to shift. He barely felt the smack of his body colliding with the concrete floor again.

_ They had almost found it. They had been so close. He needed to act. _

Now!

_ If he didn’t, he would… they would… _

_ Well, he didn’t know what was going to happen, but the ominous feeling that nagged at his stomach and the hairs standing on end on his neck were enough forebode. And Loki knew better than to ignore those gut feelings. _

_ He was aching everywhere, his mind still spinning, just like his vision, but he needed to protect his Seidr. If HYDRA found a way to tap into it… _

_ With a sigh Loki closed his eyes, not even bothering to get up from the floor. He calmed his mind, pushed away the agony, the questions, the building fear, his desires, everything. He pushed it all aside to retreat deep into his mind. _

_ His palace was already there - he had built it long ago - and he was standing in the middle of his personal library. With longing he looked at the books, but he didn’t have the time. _

_ Not now! _

_ He janked open the door and with hasty steps he made his way through the halls of his palace. There was no time to waste. He needed to arrange for three things and he didn’t know how long he had before they would be back. Before HYDRA would drag him from his cell. It would be better if he wouldn’t be caught while retreated into his mind. Only the Norns know what kind of harm they would do to his body whilst he was unaware. _

_ The Bifrost lay before him in all its glory, its gatekeeper standing there solemnly at its shattered ends - an unmoving statue as Heimdall often was. _

_ This was the easiest step of the things he needed to do. Loki had done it many times before. _

_ With his head held high and his posture regal, he stepped to Heimdall, demanding his attention without a word. _

_ “My Prince,” the gatekeeper said, both an acknowledgement and a question. _

_ With a spell that didn’t need words and was pure magical memory, Loki called forth his Seidr, a golden glimmer enveloping his form. “You may see me no more,” he ordered and he waved a hand in front of Heimdall’s face. _

_ Loki could feel the spell take root and just like that he was shrouded from the man’s sight until he would elevate the spell. _

_ It would probably be a long time before he would… _

_ Brusquely he turned on his heel, his green cape fluttering behind him dramatically as he made his way to his second quest. _

_ He passed a black door with frosted edges he didn’t remember being there before. Loki slowed his step, curious, but he didn’t have time to dwell on it. Inwardly he chastised himself and regained his stride. _

_ He would go back to it later if he had time. _

_ Fear, grief and an odd sense of mourning filled his heart as he entered Frigga’s garden, but he also felt determined. The fragrances, sounds and sights rooted him somewhat, but it wasn’t enough to completely douse his anxiety. _

_ For a moment the doubt took hold anyway, wondering if he should do this, if he should take away this part of himself, but he knew there was no other option. It was too dangerous. He needed to protect. Not the Realm of Midgard - for all he cared it burned down to the ground and crumbled to lose remnants across the universe - but himself. _

_ Standing amidst Frigga’s garden, and with a million unidentified feelings eating him alive, he called forth his Seidr. The green threads sprouted from his hands and slowly they began to take shape in front of him. Building. _

_ Reaching deep within himself he pulled and pulled, his Seidr to manifesting into a mirror image of himself. He kept going until he felt drained and not a lot of his magic was left, but it was done. _

_ His younger self - a perfect resemblance of the Prince he once had been - blinked at him questioningly. _

_ Loki fumbled with his hands, the emptiness he experienced leaving him hollow and sad. “You are my warden,” he mumbled. _

_ Prince Loki,  _ his Seidr _ , nodded solemnly. _

_ “Go to my chambers,” Loki ordered. “Do not wait for me. I shall not join you.” _

_ Another nod and then Prince Loki was gone, leaving the gardens. _

_ Loki had to resist the urge to call him back. The hollowness making him long for his Seidr even though it had only been gone for a couple of minutes. _

_ With a sigh of grief and loss, and almost the last of his Seidr, he set himself to work; to execute the last task. _

_ Once more he reached deep within himself, but instead of pulling out his Seidr, he pulled out the memory of what he has just done - its progress painful and slow. But eventually Loki managed to create a warden for this memory. _

_ Frigga. _

_ She smiled at him. _

_ Loki could no longer bear the pain and quickly he walked away from her and the garden, passing the threshold from the gardens to the hallway. _

_ The Basilisk was there, waiting for him, just as he had created it long ago. It hissed and sputtered viciously, taking its residence behind the doors, darkness expanding around it. _

_ With one last push he fed the last of this memory to Frigga behind the darkness. It was messy, not clean, and so many things could have gone wrong, but he didn’t have the time. _

_ The serpent coiled and then sharp fangs snapped shut around him. _

_ Loki screamed. _

With the scream still tearing itself from his lungs, and agony rolling in waves through his body, Loki woke on the floor of his personal library which is no longer demolished.

Still in his palace, still in his mind, but now with the memory and exactly where he needs to be.

Quickly he scrambled to his feet, not even bothering to dust himself off and janking the door between his library and living quarters open. There, standing in front of a golden rimmed mirror staring at the reflection, stood his younger self.

_ His Seidr _ .

“You got passed the serpent,” his Seidr stated, not looking at him.

A wave of relief washed over him as the other seemed to draw the right conclusions quickly. “Yes,” Loki breathed.

There was a brief silence and then his Seidr asked, “No regrets?”

“No.”

His Seidr, which was still wearing the form of Prince Loki, turned on his heel, his eyes narrowed. “You locked me in here. You left me in this prison, just like you have been held prisoner.”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty? Because I am not,” Loki countered haughty. Of course that was a lie. He was feeling slightly guilty, but it wasn’t towards his Seidr. Well, maybe a little bit, but mostly he felt guilty towards himself for separating them.

It explained why he felt so hollow all the time and why he couldn’t accomplish anything.

“I did what I had to do to protect you,” Loki added with a voice that sounded smaller than he wanted.

“Protect me, you, or the realm of Midgard?”

Loki contemplated his answer for a second before he answered. “All of them.”

Prince Loki nodded and approached him. “Are you sure you want this?”

That was an odd question. Why wouldn’t he want his Seidr back? It had become his goal, so why not? He was so close now and he wasn’t going to let it slip from his grasp. “Yes.”

“Absolutely certain? Is this the right time?”

“I cannot imagine a time that would be better than any other.”

Prince Loki shrugged. “Point taken. But promise one thing,” he hissed. “Do not ever do this again!”

“If I need-”

A hand in the air silenced Loki. “If there shall ever be a time again where you need to protect me, you would do better to use me instead of pushing me away. We belong to one another and together we’re stronger than when you try to face the universe alone.”

“I-”

“Promise me!” his Seidr snapped.

Loki sighed and then yielded. “I promise.”

His younger self smiled at him and nodded, not saying another word. With stretched fingers and palms up, his Seidr held up his hands for Loki to take.

Loki searched Prince Loki’s face and then he smiled mischievous. “I promise,” he repeated more determined and he grabbed the other’s hands.

Slowly his younger self began to fade from existence, fading just like Frigga had done, while they stared at each other; an unspoken oath forming between them. But where Loki had felt sad about Frigga’s departure, he felt joyous about his Seidr trickling back into his being, settling beneath his skin and in his bones where it belonged. It made him feel whole again - a hollow feeling that filled with joy and something that  _ belonged _ there, chasing away the emptiness.

As his Seidr faded and took its rightful place, so too did the world around him fade.

Slowly Loki could feel himself returning to his body, no longer an empty soul. He had found his way back to his body and back to Midgard.

Slowly he began to open his eyes, and then the world around him exploded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thrive on comments <3  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> I thrive on comments <3  
> [Follow me on Tumblr](https://starscreamloki.tumblr.com/)


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